The show starts with a small Pay Per View warning, saying that while this show is Free For All to view, it is NOT free to be recorded, rebroadcast, redistributed in any way, without express written consent from WCWA, Half Life Media, and Extreme Entertainment Inc.
From here, a montage begins to play.
I hurt myself today [A still of Eddie Kingston, bloodied from the King of the Death Matches]
To see if I still feel [Cuts into a still of Chris Hero screaming in pain]
I focus on the pain [A brief black and white clip of the WCWA World Heavyweight title being raised up]
The only thing that's real [Fades to Eddie Kingston face to face with Chris Hero]
The needle tears a hole [A black and white Polaroid picture of CM Punk holding the WCWA International title appears on the screen]
The old familiar sting [Which fades into a quick clip of Chuck Taylor hitting the Sole Food]
Try to kill it all away [And splices into Delirious running around the ring in a panic]
But I remember everything [Another still, this time of the International title]
What have I become [A black and white clip of JC Bailey soaked in blood appears]
My sweetest friend [Which fades to Drake Younger dropping Arsenal on the ring steps with a Vertebreaker]
Everyone I know goes away [A still of “Sick” Nick Mondo holding the Death match title appears]
In the end [Which fades to JC Bailey and Drake Younger falling barefoot into thumbtacks]
And you could have it all [A still of the Backseat Boys posing with Allison Danger and the Tag Team titles]
My empire of dirt [Cuts to a still of Allison Danger with BLK Out]
I will let you down [And fades to Trent Acid and Ruckus coming off a cage with a Russian leg sweep]
I will make you hurt [A quick splice of everyone in all the championship matches, fades completely out as we cut..
LIVE! To the Hammerstein Ballroom in the heart of New York City! Fans are still filing into the building as the camera pans over the arena, WCWA banners with the HURT logo hanging from the ceiling and all the balconies. We cut to the announce table, where Kris Kloss sits in a blue suit, Shane Douglas in a black polo shirt.
KK: We’re less than an hour away from the biggest WCWA Pay Per View yet, HURT!
SD: Haha! All the PPVs are big Kloss, because I’m here!
KK: Kris Kloss alongside “The Franchise” Shane Douglas to bring you all the live action, as well as a run down for the paid portion of tonight’s event.. But now, let’s send it backstage.. Joel Gertner stands by with the World Junior Heavyweight champion.. Jack Evans..
Cut backstage to Joel Gertner. Joel is wearing a typical lounge jacket with a neck brace, a black bow tie strapped around the neck brace, because this is a special occasion. Near him stands the WCWA World Junior Heavyweight champion, Jack Evans, the title draped over his shoulder.
JG: Well, well, well, if it isn’t I, Joel “I’m not carrying a nine millimeter, but if you’d like, I will shoot you” Gertner.. Standing by with the WCWA World Junior Heavyweight champion..
JE: Yo homie don’t be trippin ova mah bling!
JG: Jack Evans.. Jack, tonight, you start the Ménage Et Trois tournament, with a defense of your World Junior Heavyweight title.. I ask you.. Are you afraid?
JE: Naw homie, balla not be trippin over dis shiznit, why Jack be tripping for?
JG: Was that a question? Or a statement? Was that even English?
JE: Yo, you be crampin’ my style yo.. Get to the puzzling!
JG: Tonight.. You face The Hardcore Evil Ninja #2.. The more Evil of the two Hardcore Ninjas. He’s so evil he may have possibly killed Hardcore Evil Ninja #1..
JE: Homie’s strapped with bullet proof swag yo.
JG: And Ricochet.. They say he’s flippy..
JE: Gravity forgot Jack Evans…
Evans starts to walk away, but turns and comes back into the camera view.
JE: And you know this… MAN!
Evans struts away as we cut back to the ringside area.
KK: Jack Evans seems confident.
SD: Perhaps a little too confident..
Cut to the ring, where new WCWA ring announcer Mel Phillips stands with a microphone in hand.
MP: The following match is scheduled for one fall, with a ten minute time limit, and it is a special attraction match!
“Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!” by Vengaboys and Ryan Cruz makes his way through the curtain, Joey Eastman following shortly behind.
MP: Making his way to the ring, being accompanied to the ring by “Absolutely Tan” Joey Eastman, from Anywhere but New York City, weighing in tonight at one hundred and seventy five pounds, he is “Ravishing” Ryan Cruz!
Ryan Cruz makes his way to the ring quickly, sliding in under the bottom rope. Joey Eastman snatches the microphone away from Mel Phillips.
JE: Camera man, ZOOM! Tonight, it’s the launch of the empire known as Joey Eastman Worldwide into the stratosphere. Darin Corbin advances to the second round of the Ménage Et Trois tournament.. Brain Damage destroys that shmuck Joker once and for all.. And listen to me, you blue haired butch bimbo.. Tonight, if you think you’re going to take liberties with Joey Eastman, you have another thing coming. I will beat the shit out of you! Tonight, it is Brain Damage massacring Joker.. Inside that steel cage..
The camera pans upwards to the steel cage that hangs dramatically above the ring.
SD: I sort of wondered why that was there, but I figured “hey, it’s wrestling”. I worked for WCW and learned not to ask any questions..
KK: WCW did it too? And here I thought it was only XPW that had random stuff hanging in buildings.. Either way, earlier this week, it was announced on WCWAOnline.com that the Brain Damage versus Joker match would be fought inside a steel cage, with Joey Eastman handcuffed to Allison Danger on the outside.
SD: You want to bet that as much as Allison hates being cuffed to a man, Eastman hates being cuffed to a woman more?
KK: You've heard those rumors too?
JE: And Ryan Cruz.. Right here tonight, you’re going to make a name for yourself! Right here on the pre-show!
Ryan Cruz nods in agreement.
JE: Now, I know we agreed that you needed a singles match. And Dave Lenker agreed as well.. Unfortunately, your opponent is Necro Butcher..
Cruz seems to lose his mind, grabbing his hair and pulling as the crowd cheers wildly.
JE: Fear not! You have the leadership of “Absolutely Tan” Joey Eastman..
“Freebird” by Lynard Skynard begins to play over the P/A system and Joey Eastman quickly bails out of the ring. Necro Butcher comes stomping through the curtain, barefoot as can be. Necro quickly down the ramp, stomping rather than walking.
MP: And his opponent, from West BAH GAWD Virginia, weighing in tonight at two hundred and seventy pounds.. He is the Necro BUTCHER!!
Necro comes to ringside and grabs a chair, tossing it into the ring. Necro slides in and Cruz immediately assaults him with the chair, jabbing him with the end of it. Mel Phillips scrambles out of the ring as Referee Bryce Remsburg slides in.
SD: I think Ryan Cruz dies.
KK: For once, we're in agreement.
Cruz swings the chair with all his force and nails Necro right between the eyes, but the shot doesn’t even seem to faze the Butcher, who simply shakes the chair shot off and swats the chair out of Cruz’s hands. Cruz looks down at the chair, then up at Necro, then back to the chair. He tries to run away but Necro grabs him by the hair and jerks him right to the mat.
KK: I don't think Cruz thought this through.
SD: I would guess you're correct.
KK: And he can blame Joey Eastman for it.
SD: Fucking JEW. Ruins everything for Cruz.
Cruz slowly gets back to his feet, Necro grabs the chair. He’s holding the chair in his hands as he grabs Ryan Cruz, putting the chair behind Cruz and lifting him, tossing him with a chair assisted scoop slam.
SD: Offense moves...Necro three, Cruz zero.
KK: He had the chair shot.
SD: On Necro?
KK: Good point.
Cruz slowly gets to his feet, his back hurting him greatly. Cruz slowly after the Butcher, Necro with a high swing and Cruz ducks. Basement dropkick from Ryan Cruz and Necro Butcher goes down. Cruz mounts the back of Necro, hooking the left arm between his legs and twisting the right arm with his own arms, spreading himself across the Butcher’s back.
SD: That may be the smartest thing Cruz has done yet.
KK: How do you figure?
SD: If he can't hit you, he can't hurt you!
KK: What is to say he can't hit Cruz from that position?
SD: Good point.
Necro works his way back to a vertical base and he falls back, dropping Cruz with a Samoan drop, causing the submission hold to be broken. Joey Eastman hops up onto the ring apron. Referee goes after him and so does Necro. Ryan Cruz from behind and he nails a low blow on the Butcher.
SD: Yeah, great idea. Piss him off!
KK: The guy has a death wish!
SD: I would say so.
KK: We're agreeing a lot today. I think I'm growing on you.
SD: I wouldn't be so sure. You're not as annoying as first thought, however.
Necro goes down center ring, Cruz points to the top rope. Slowly he climbs to the top. Perched up top, he looks down at Necro and jumps, nailing a huge top rope leg drop across Necro’s chest. Cruz goes for a cover, but it’s only enough for a count of two.
KK: And the Minnesota Jam gets two.
SD: Does he really call it that?
KK: No. But it's popular to take the state the wrestler is from and add jam to it for that more.
SD: I blame Chris Candido for this. Rest his soul.
KK: Indeed. And Sunny, call me.
SD: Classy, Kris.
Cruz up and he’s protesting to the referee. Necro gets up, but Darin Corbin has entered the ring. Corbin comes running in and nails a diving forearm on the Butcher, taking him right back down. Cruz with another cover, the referee confused, but counts anyways, 1.…2.… kick out from Necro at two.
KK: Going to take more then a forearm.
SD: Think he has a gun?
KK: That might work. Might.
SD: A shovel?
KK: Might.
SD: A can of beer?
KK: Who is he, Steve Austin?
Cruz up and he’s protesting a slow count. Cruz turns around and walks right into a straight jab from Necro and crumbles. Necro doesn’t pull his fist back to him, but rather just looks at it, amazed that it clobbered Cruz that hard.
SD: One H Q!
KK: What?
SD: One H Q! One Hitter Quitter!
KK: Huh?
SD: Oh, you're too out of touch, Kloss. A "One H Q" is a punch that instantly ends a fight.
KK: Oh. Well, yes.
SD: And you were starting not to annoy me. Sheesh.
Cruz is out cold on the mat. Necro tries to lift him back to his feet, but Cruz is dead weight. Necro with a cover, referee Remsburg slides into position, 1.…2...3!
SD: Like I said, One H Q.
KK: Indeed. Ryan Cruz is out. And Joey Eastman has no one to blame but himself.
SD: So, he's a stupid JEW as well?
KK: We're making friends with everyone, aren't we?
SD: You could say that.
“Freebird” begins to play over the P/A system, but Necro’s not quite done. He grabs Ryan Cruz and chucks him over the top rope. Joey Eastman looks on as one of his prize investments has just been mauled by Necro. Necro starts out of the ring after Eastman, but there’s no fear on Eastman’s face, as from behind Necro has come Brain Damage.
KK: What is Damage doing out here? Shouldn't he be getting ready for Joker in the cage later tonight?
SD: You would think so, but remember, Damage is in J.E.W. So I would guess Eastman has something to do with this.
KK: But why risk Damage getting hurt before Joker?
SD: Because Eastman's a dumb-ass. I thought you knew that. Like I said. Stupid JEW.
Brain Damage grabs Necro by the scraggly hair and slugs him in the back of the head, dazing the Butcher. Necro turns around and starts swinging wildly, but just gets met with a body shot from Brain Damage. Darin Corbin has made his way down the isle and slid into the ring, but is just cowering in the corner as Damage takes care of Necro.
KK: And Corbin just staying in the corner.
SD: Would you get in there with an angry Necro Butcher?
KK: No.
SD: Then, do you blame him?
KK: Well, no.
SD: Okay then.
Necro is trying to fight back but Damage is mangling him with rapid body shots. Necro starts to fight back, getting one good blow between the eyes of Damage, but Corbin comes in and clips the legs of Necro. Necro goes down and Damage mounts him, slugging him many times right in the face with both hands, actually splitting the Butcher open from the top of the head.
KK: The obvious question here is why would J.E.W. be antagonizing the Necro Butcher?
SD: One I can't answer. But I hope they are ready to deal with him.
KK: I don't think any living force is able to deal with a pissed off Necro Butcher.
Necro is now split wide open as referees and security slide into the ring to get Damage off of him. Corbin disposes of a referee or two over the top rope as Eastman stands around, shouting orders. Security finally is able to pull Damage off of Necro and gets him out of the ring, escorting Corbin and Eastman out as well.
KK: And finally, they are separated..
SD: But for how lo...
Shane is interrupted, as Necro Butcher comes DIVING over the top rope, taking out all of Joey Eastman Worldwide and several security guards with one giant dive.
SD: Get these guys out of here!
KK: They are RIGHT on top of us here!
Necro back to his feet and after Damage. Necro gets in a few body shots before security gets between them. Damage tosses the security out of the way and goes after Necro. Necro is backing up towards the security table. Damage comes running in and is going for a punch, but Necro ducks and Damage drills Kris Kloss right between the eyes.
SD: THANK YOU!!!!!
Kloss is down, security pulls the two apart, picking Necro up and carrying him away on their shoulders, pulling Damage away as well. Kloss is out of it on the floor, Shane Douglas stands up and spits on him. As fans cheer wildly, we cut backstage to Chris Hero. Hero is standing by a WCWA HURT back drop, a black wind breaker over his ring gear.
CH: Tonight.. Tonight it’s destiny.. Tonight is the night that Chris Hero captures the WCWA World Heavyweight title. That’s not a prediction.. A threat.. A promise.. It’s just what’s going to happen. To some people, professional wrestling is a job. A part time game, a weekend occupation.. To Chris Hero, professional wrestling is life. As far back as I can remember in my adult life, Professional wrestling has been all I know.. I would ride town to town to wrestle.. Between matches, in the car, I would watch matches.. Not because I’m just some big mark, but rather because with every match I watch.. I pick up something.. And it makes me the very best in the world.
Hero turns around slightly, stretching his wrists as he continues to talk.
CH: Tonight, Eddie Kingston and The Messiah.. Both men think they’ve come a long way and they have.. Unfortunately, the long road they have driven down is a dead end road, for Chris Hero’s championship destiny has cut them off dead in their trails. Mark my words.. In approximately four hours.. Chris Hero will be the WCWA World Heavyweight champion..
Hero walks away from the interview area. We cut to a separate interview area, where Joel Gertner stands with Robby Mireno, Eddie Kingston, Joker, Ruckus, and Sabian.
JG: Well.. Well.. Well..
Mireno snatches the microphone away.
RM: Cut the games, Gertner. BLK Out isn’t into the games tonight.. This isn’t a game of catch phrases and dick jokes.. This is the big night.. The gold is coming home to the BLK Out! The King is bringing home the World Heavyweight title.. Sabian and Ruckus are going to climb the ladder of success, both figuratively and literally, to bring home those World Tag straps.. And this man.. The Joker is going to show exactly why he is called “The Cambodian Axe Murderer”.
Mireno hands off the microphone to Joker.
Joker: Brain Damage. You punch hard.. You beat up women, announcers, referees.. I kill people.. You want to enter a cage with me.. Prepare to die.
Joker hands the microphone off to Ruckus, who seems quite amused by Joker’s short and sweet promo.
Ruckus: Yo, BLK Out 4:20 here, Pay Per View, this ain‘t a stable, this is a ma‘fuckin‘ empire. BLK Out 4:20 takin‘ this place over by force, climbin‘ the ladder of success.. We beat up those JEW punks.. And we got a shot. World Tag Team titles.. And a ladder match.. Let me tell you something.. No one gets higher than the BLK Out, especially on Pay Per View..
Ruckus hands the microphone off to Kingston, making a slight smoking motion with his fingers as he does so. The camera zooms in closely on Kingston.
EK: Sunday January seventh, two thousand and six.. Eddie Kingston.. This is my night.. This isn’t gimmicks.. This isn’t “test my gangsta”.. This is straight up fact.. I’ve lived in shit holes my entire life.. I’ve been stabbed.. I’ve been hit with bats.. I’ve been hit with cars.. Chris Hero.. Messiah.. NOTHING YOU CAN DO CAN HURT ME. I come from a long line of drug addicts, scum bags, and general shit heads.. I am the LAST OF A DYING FUCKING BREED! Chris Hero.. Messiah.. You’re going to take this away from me? You’re going to take away everything I’ve earned? Everything I’ve lived my whole life to get? Let me tell you mother fuckers.. You’re going to have to kill me if you want to walk out of this Pay Per View with the Heavyweight strap..
Kingston hands the mic back to Robby.
RM: Believe me mother fuckers.. YOU ALWAYS BET ON BLACK!
Evans comes from out of no where, tossing in his two cents.
JE: BEYYYOOOTCH!
Cut back to ringside, where just Shane Douglas now sits.
SD: Seems like I’m flying solo for this one..
A graphic for HURT appears on the screen, with Johnny Cash’s “Hurt” playing in the background.
SD: We are just moments away from the biggest WCWA Pay Per View of all time.. You got your order in? What are you waiting for! Don’t get shut out of this one! Click the little button on your remote and buy the damn Pay Per View!
A graphic flashes on the screen with Messiah, Eddie Kingston, and Chris Hero.
SD: Vacant WCWA World Heavyweight title on the line tonight as Chris Hero does battle with Eddie Kingston and The Messiah. As par the course for this tournament, this one will be no disqualifications, no count out, pin falls count anywhere.. Elimination rules, meaning there WILL be a clear winner..
A graphic appears on the screen, Chuck Taylor on one side of the screen, Delirious on the other, the words “WCWA International title match” below the two.
SD: Finals of the tournament to decide the new WCWA International champion here tonight, as Chuck Taylor does battle with Delirious. This one should be off the charts!
The International title graphic fades off the screen, replaced by one with JC Bailey and Drake Younger, the words “WCWA Death Match title match: Barbed Wire Nets match” below the two men.
SD: Barbed wire nets match live tonight for the WCWA Death Match title as champion Too Hardcore for a Gimmick” JC Bailey defends against “Psycho Shooter” Drake Younger. The amount of hate between these two men is indescribable. Have you ever hated someone so much you wanted to throw them barefoot in thumbtacks? They’ve done it. Tonight, it’s nets of barbed wire around the ring.. Gorefest 101.
A graphic with Beef Wellington and Marty Jannetty appears on the screen, the words “WCWA Television title match” floating below them.
SD: This is what we call the “popcorn” match of the Pay Per View, as WCWA Television Champion Beef Wellington retains the title against Marty Jannetty. Unless you’re into men touching each other inappropriately and other silly crap, go get a drink, use the bathroom.. This match will suck.
A graphic appears on the screen with The Backseat Boys and the BLK Out, the words WCWA World Tag Team titles below them, followed by the phrase “ladder match”.
SD: On the last episode of Synthetic, The BLK Out earned the right to a World Tag Team titles shot here tonight against champions The Backseat Boys.. And just last night on WCWAOnline.com, it was revealed that this World Tag Team titles match will be fought under ladder match rules. Meaning, those two belts will be high in the air tonight.
A graphic with LuFisto and Mickie Knuckles is the next thing up on the screen.
SD: If you’re expecting bra and panties and sex and shit, you’re looking at the WRONG match. Special women’s grudge match tonight, as Mickie Knuckles does battle with LuFisto. This is the definition of a blood feud.. These two girls are going to beat the hell out of each other!
This graphic fades out, replaced with one for Brain Damage versus Joker, with the words “Steel Cage Match” below.
SD: And we go from what should be a fight.. To a war. Brain Damage versus Joker.. Brain Damage is the unstoppable Terminator of WCWA.. He doesn’t feel pain.. Joker is not in the least bit intimidated by him, even going as far to call himself the Liquid Terminator.. I just pray we didn’t put a damage deposit down on the arena, because these two are gonna tear the place apart! Luckily, thanks to a ruling on WCWAOnline.com earlier this week, they won’t be taking out the commentation station, because they will be battling it out inside a steel cage.
Two graphics now appear on the screen, both for Ménage Et Trois first round matches..
SD: Ménage Et Trois starts tonight with two first round matches. In the first match, it will be Jack Evans defending the World Junior Heavyweight championship against The Hardcore Evil Ninja #2 and the debuting Ricochet.. In the second, it will be “Diehard” Dustin Lee battling it out with “Delicious” Darin Corbin and “Pure Dynamite” Billy Roc.
“El Phantasmo” by White Zombie begins to play, the live New York crowd going absolutely nuts as Lance Storm makes his way down the isle way. Lance is in his street gear, a pair of tight blue jeans and a tank top. He makes his way down to the ring, then gets the microphone from Mel Phillips.
LS: Please cut the music..
The music cuts off, as par request.
LS: If I could be serious for a moment..
The crowd pops at this, cheering wildly.
LS: Last week on Synthetic, I made my triumphant WCWA debut. And I lost. And now, I am without a Pay Per View match up. WCWA management has Lance Storm at their disposal, but have chosen to leave him off the Pay Per View. I am more talented than everyone in that locker room. I could wrestle circles around anyone back there. But instead of having a wrestling showcase, management has chosen for a comedy match between Beef and Jannetty, a girl’s match, and a death match.
The crowd is confused a bit at Lance’s sudden attitude.
LS: You see, I am born to wrestle. I come from the dungeons of Calgary, Alberta, Canada. I have come to the WCWA to make an impact. And if management doesn’t want to let me make an impact with a Pay Per View match.. Well then I’ll just have to find some other way..
Storm drops the microphone and exit’s the ring, raising his arms in the air as he exits up the ramp. With this we cut backstage to Billy Roc, standing by a WCWA HURT backdrop.
BR: YEAH DADDY! WCWA HURT! “Pure Dynamite” Billy Roc here to give you a few thoughts about my match tonight. Diehard Dustin, I’ve known you for many years and I respect you.. Darin Corbin, I don’t respect you or anything you and your band of thugs do. Tonight, Billy Roc is winning this match, and going all the way in the tournament!
Pan backwards to Smooth Pleasing and Chrisjen Hayme, standing on both sides of Billy Roc.
SP: You see, Billy Roc may have failed in his quest on Synthetic.. But now, he has the power of friendship.
Cut back to Shane Douglas at the announce table.
SD: We are just moments away from the biggest WCWA Pay Per View of all time, HURT. Don’t get shut out. Click the button, call your local cable or satellite provider, do whatever it takes.. You DON’T want to miss HURT!
Pan back away from the announce table slightly, as a rather chubby and bald man is walking up, wearing a nice suit. He casually sits down where Kris Kloss was sitting.
SD: Who the HELL are you?
Man: I’m Ben Jordan.. Mr. Lenker sent me out here, cause he said you needed a new play by play man?
SD: Need is the wrong choice of words there, greenhorn. So I go from Joey Styles, to Kris Kloss, to you? It’s bad when I actually want Kloss back
BJ: I’m just here to do my job.. I don’t want any trouble!
SD: There’ll be trouble….
Cut to the ring, where Mel Phillips stands with a microphone in hand.
MP: The following match is a special attraction tag team match!
“Tainted Love” by Soft Cell begins to play over the P/A system and Elsa Bangz makes her way through the curtain, followed shortly behind by SeXXXy Eddy. Next out is Michael Nakazawa, looking very oily, bent over towards Elsa’s bum as he walks.
MP: Being accompanied to the ring by “The Internet Sensation” Elsa Bangz, first, from Kyroe, Japan, weighing in tonight at two hundred and two pounds, he is “The Japanese Oil Man” Michael NAKAZAWA! And his tag team partner, from Very Long Beach, California, weighing in tonight at two hundred and twenty pounds, plus five pounds of COCKMEAT! This is SeXXXy EDDY!
Eddy and Nakazawa make their way to the ring, Nakazawa applying gracious amounts of oil to his chest and legs as they make their way down the isle way. Elsa is first into the ring, hoping up onto the ring apron and bending over between the top and middle ropes. SeXXXy Eddy starts up, but is stopped by Michael Nakazawa. Eddy seems a little confused as Nakazawa applies oil to his hands, slathering Elsa’s exposed butt cheeks in the baby oil. Nakazawa then enters the ring, flagging Eddy to do as he wishes.
BJ: Well, you gotta use proper lubricant..
SD: (mocking): Gotta use proper lubricant.. Shut the fuck up and call the matches!
Eddy hops up onto the ring apron and slides between the ropes, proceeding to hump her now oiled butt on the way into the ring. Eddy slides in, removing his vest, then whipping away his break away pants. “Tainted Love” cuts off as Nakazawa and Eddy exchange hand shakes.
SD: I fear the worst with these two..
BJ: Double penetration?
SD: You can’t say that! This ain’t the PPV yet, fucktard! Clean up the fucking language!
BJ: Sorry, I didn’t know!!
BJ: Sorry, I didn't...hey, wait...isn't the preshow on HBO?
SD: And the preview channel... Kids watching, fucking dumbass..
BJ: Then I can say whatever I want. We are a Rated R enter....
SD: We are NC-17. Rated R doesn't come for another six months.
“War” by System of a Down begins to play over the P/A system, the crowd booing in response to the formerly loved one Arsenal’s music. Through the curtain steps the massive “Masterpiece” Chris Mordetsky, his muscular body well oiled. Stepping behind him is the much skinnier Arsenal.
MP: And their opponents, first, from Los Angeles, California, weighing in tonight at two hundred and seventy pounds.. He is “The Masterpiece” Chris MORDETSKY!! And his tag team partner, from Cochrane, Ontario, Canada, weighing in tonight at one hundred and fifty five pounds this is “The Walking One Man War” ARSENAL!
Together, Arsenal and Mordetsky make their way to ringside, the crowd showering them in boos and disproving thumbs down. At ringside, Arsenal and Mordetsky are slow into the ring. Once they enter, referee PJ Drummond checks both men for weapons then calls for the bell. Bell sounds and this match is under way.
SD: Do you see the irony of Chris Mordetszky not making it to pay-per-view here either?
BJ: It’s going to be a long night.
SD: You have no idea
One in and one out, opens with SeXXXy Eddy and Chris Mordetsky. The crowd is really getting on Mordetsky with a chant of “He’s on Ster-Oids *clap, clap, clapclapclap*. Mordetsky is trying to ignore the people, but Eddy is encouraging them. A couple moments into the chant, Eddy decides that HE is on steroids, pointing to his genital area to the beat of the chant.
SD: If that chant is accurate, we have a definite contrast in the ring…
BJ: How do you figure?
SD: Eddy’s is about five pounds. Mordetsky’s are about five ounces. If he’s lucky.
BJ: I’m shocked Kloss didn’t quit.
SD: Oh, he definitely punched out. BWAHAHAHAHA! See what I did there?
BJ: You’re an idiot.
Eddy goes to the ropes to play to the crowd and it proves to be a mistake, as Mordetsky comes in for a Pearl Harbor job on the Triple X Sex Express. Mordetsky pounds on Eddy with some clubbing rights and lefts, taking the man with five pounds in his underpants down to his hands and knees. Mordetsky nails Eddy with a knee right to the chin and Eddy is reeling. Mordetsky is signaling for his full nelson.
BJ: Master lock.
SD: We can’t call it that. Nor would we want to.
BJ: It’s not a copy write. Not a wrestling one any way.
SD: Shades of Billy Jack Haynes would be the reference.
BJ: I was more of a Hercules fan.
Eddy slow back to his feet, unknowingly backing up towards Mordetsky. Mordetsky goes for the grip on Eddy, referee PJ Drummond in front of Eddy. With the blind spot, Eddy takes advantage, kicking Mordetsky right in the groin. Eddy makes the roll towards the corner and tags in Michael Nakazawa.
SD: And here comes the greasiest man in WCWA?
BJ: Where is Josh Abercrombie when you need him?
SD: Who?
BJ: Nevermind
Nakazawa in, graciously dumping baby oil all over himself. Nakazawa tells Mordetsky to put him in the Masterlock. Mordetsky seems a bit confused as Nakazawa turns his back to him. Mordetsky comes in and goes for the lock, but Nakazawa slides right out of the lock. Mordetsky is frustrated, trying to rub the baby oil off his arms as Nakazawa rubs more in.
SD: The last time I saw that much baby oil in a wrestling ring…
BJ: When you ordered that WEW ppv?
SD: No. Was the last time I saw Nakazawa wrestle. What is this WEW you speak of?
BJ: Think a real XWF.
SD: We don’t mention them anymore. Our bosses don’t like them.
Nakazawa turns his back to Mordetsky again, telling him to try it again in broken English. Mordetsky considers the “unbreakable” full nelson, but then reconsiders and simply short arm clotheslines Nakazawa to the back, taking him right down. Mordetsky jerks Nakazawa back to his feet and THROWS him across the ring, sending him flying across the ring and into the Mordetsky/Arsenal corner.
SD: Did Chris Mordetsky just show some brains?
BJ: I think so
SD: Man, this is going to be a long night!
Mordetsky after Nakazawa for an attack, Nakazawa trying to fire back on Mordetsky, but the muscular Mordetsky shrugs off the blows, shoving Nakazawa right back into the Mordetsky/Arsenal corner. Mordetsky with a couple of body shots on Nakazawa, then simply backs away, distracting referee PJ Drummond and facing him towards SeXXXy Eddy. Arsenal takes this distraction as an opportunity to wrap the tag rope around Nakazawa’s neck.
BJ: And a shortcut by the “Walking One Man War”.
SD: This is the first time I have ever heard him referred to as such.
BJ: Must not watch any IWS.
SD: You keep mentioning other promotions, and Mr. Lenker is going to replace you.
Eddy is furious and tries to run in to save his amigo, but Drummond stops Eddy and forces him back to the corner, giving Arsenal even more choking time and Mordetsky an opportunity for more kidney shots to the Japanese Oil Man.
SD: Have Eddy and Nakazawa thought of a team name?
BJ: Oh lord…
SD: Just saying the possibilities are endless.
BJ: Remember, there are fucking children watching
SD: Hey! You can’t say fuck! I say fuck! Fuck is my fucking gimmick!
Referee PJ Drummond turns around just in time to see Mordetsky tag out to the Arsenal. Arsenal in with kicks to the mid section of Nakazawa, finishing the brief combo with a spinning roundhouse kick. Arsenal grabs Nakazawa by the wrist and attempts to send him into the ropes with a whip, but simply slides off of Nakazawa’s well oiled wrist. Arsenal opts to instead just grab Nakazawa and deliver a snap suplex.
BJ: Despite the fact that he is out of his god-damn mind, the baby oil thing is pretty smart on Nakazawa’s part.
SD: Makes him slippery.
BJ: And thus able to escape certain moves.
SD: Except for snap suplexes. Those leave him leaving flater then Elsa on that one web-site.
Arsenal with a pin attempt on Nakazawa, but it’s only enough for two. Arsenal gets back to his feet, darting into the ropes. He goes for a back senton on Nakazawa, but Nakazawa rolls out of the way. Nakazawa is going towards the corner, his hand extended for SeXXXy Eddy. Eddy has his hand out as well, extended over the ropes as far as possible, Elsa Bangz cheering on at ringside, slapping the mat and getting the fans behind the Japanese oil man.
BJ: She is full of spunk over there.
SD: Fans, I’ll let you write your own joke there. Best submission get the AT&T ShoutOut on the next PPV. AT&T, the official phone company of the World Championship Wrestling Alliance.
BJ: And you’re a shill.
SD: Shut-up, and enjoy your cell phone.
BJ: I’m with Sprint.
SD: You blasphemous bastard
Nakazawa is nearly to the ropes, but Arsenal grabs his leg. Arsenal tries to pull Nakazawa back to the center of the ring, but slips right off of the well oiled leg and Nakazawa is able to make the tag to SeXXXy Eddy! Eddy comes in on fire, a right for Arsenal, Mordetsky comes in and he catches one to the chin as well. Arsenal back and Eddy catches him with a mule kick. Eddy into the ropes and he comes back, dropping Arsenal to the mat with a Fame Asser.
BJ: I believe Eddy calls that the Pound Asser.
SD: That would not surprise me, at all
BJ: Straight from the horses’ mouth.
SD: So, Elsa told you? (silence) Nothing?
BJ: I will let you hang yourself with that.
Eddy is on fire. He goes to the corner, preparing himself for the Total SeXXXtasy split legged moonsault. Mordetsky runs over and knocks him off the top rope and Eddy crotches himself on the turnbuckle. The crowd lets out a collective “OOHHHH” as Eddy’s face turns to one of sheer agony.
SD: If it is true, then the five pounds would give him cushion.
BJ: Or hurt even more.
SD: That could be possible.
Arsenal to the corner and he makes the tag to Mordetsky. Mordetsky comes in and from behind SeXXXy Eddy, who is still nutted on the top rope. He puts Eddy in his Masterlock and jerks him right off the top rope and to the center of the ring. Eddy has no choice but to submit.
SD: And Mordetsky gets the win, tapping Eddy with his MasterLock submission.
BJ: And I have my first WCWA match under my belt
SD: And under the new WCWA rule, that means Mordetsky and Arsenal need 2 more wins and they get to challenge our tag champions. Which will be either the Backseat Boys or the BLK Out team of Sabian and Ruckus.
The bell sounds as “War” by System of a Down begins to play over the P/A system. Mel Phillips comes on for the announcement.
MP: And your winners, Arsenal and “The Masterpiece” Chris Mordetsky!!
Mordetsky reluctantly releases the Masterlock as Nakazawa and Elsa Bangz enter the ring to assist Eddy. Triumphantly, Mordetsky and Arsenal raise their hands as we cut backstage, where JC Bailey stands by the already famed HURT backdrop, a light tube in his hands.
JC: Drake Younger, tonight, we do battle again. We’ve done battle a few times now and done a lot of stupid stuff, but tonight.. This is it.. You lose again, it’s over. No rematches after this match. This will be our final encounter..
JC drops the tube to the ground, where it explodes into a million pieces, the white dust from inside floating upwards, from here, we cut to Joel Gertner, standing at a doorway.
JG: Well, well, well, if it isn’t I, the Quintessential Stud Muffin, Joel “Eddy’s five pounds is my warm up act” Gertner and I am backstage with Chuck Taylor.
CT: “Sexy” Chuckie T to you, marshmallow neck.
JG: I’ll have you know that this neck brace is on the direct supervision of a panel of doctors!
CT: And I’m a former Women’s champion.. Get to the point, Gertner.
JG: Tonight, you compete for the WCWA International title, against the Lizard Man, Delirious.
CT: Yeah, Delirious is gonna go out there, talk some Ebonics jibberish, act weird, run around, and I’ll stab him right in the throat! And then, I’ll be champion! For the Kings of Wrestling! YEAH!
Taylor walks off the set triumphantly.
JG: Doesn’t the stabby stuff come later? Either way, I’m Joel Gertner, off to pump out a quickie with Elsa Bangz
Cut back to ringside with Ben Jordan and Shane Douglas.
BJ: Guys, HURT is just minutes away! Don’t miss out on your opportunity to see the biggest WCWA Pay Per View of all time. Make the call, call your local cable or satellite provider and order HURT by name.
SD: Or, if you’re in the 21st Century unlike Benji here, hit the order button on your remote.. It takes about ten seconds and your cable company won’t think you’re retarded.
BJ: Either way, get your order in.. For Shane Douglas…
SD: No! Fuck you, you’re the green horn, so I’m signing out! For the dill hole that reeks of cheap weed, I’m The Franchise, see you in about two minutes on HURT!
Cut away.. Dead air is all that is heard. A black screen is all that can be seen. Slowly, we fade into a shot from Synthetic. Chris Hero and Sabu stand over Necro Butcher’s broken corpse menacingly, Bill Alfonzo blowing a whistle wildly. Dave Prazak gets between the two men and raises both of their hands high into the air. Kris Kloss cuts in for a voice over.
KK: There you see the first man qualified for the three way World Heavyweight title match at Hurt.. But at what cost? Is winning really worth going these crooked roads?
The shot from Synthetic fades down, bringing up a black screen. A heavy voice over kicks in.
V/O: One man would do anything for the championship.. He would sell his soul to the devil himself.. Align himself with his enemies..
Cut to a clip of Chris Hero. His hair is down over his eyes, looking intimidating. He’s removed his Superman-esque logo shirt, standing only in a singlet and baggy pants. The camera pans out from Hero, showing CM Punk standing with an evil smile, but then the picture blacks out.
V/O: One man has fought his entire life for this moment.. Through blood, sweat, and tears.. He’s taken years off his life for this one moment..
Cut to a clip from Wargames. The Messiah is up on the top of the steel cage, Johnny Kashmire as well. Messiah bends down and hooks Kashmire on his shoulders. Messiah holds him there for a moment before jumping off, nailing a Samoan Drop to Johnny Kashmire through all three tables! Cue a voice over from Joey Styles.
JS: OH MY GAWD!!!!!
And we fade back to black..
V/O: And one man has abandoned everything he knew..
A photo of a very young Eddie Kingston, standing with Blackjack Marciano in front of Kevin Knight’s gym in New Jersey appears on screen.
V/O: To get to this point.
Kingston into the corner. He’s stomping his foot. Sabu up slowly. Kingston comes running in and goes for the Yakuza kick, but Sabu ducks. Kingston continues running, hitting the far ropes and coming back. Sabu turns around and catches a Yakuza kick from Kingston on the second attempt. This cuts quickly to Kingston pinning Sabu and getting his hand raised in victory, as a voice over from Kris Kloss cuts in.
KK: And he does it!
Tonight.. Two men will fall short of their dreams.. While one man.. Will forever seal his destiny as one of the greats in this sport. One man will etch his name into the record books alongside names such as Bret “the Hitman” Hart, Shawn Michaels, and AJ Styles as WCWA World Heavyweight champion.. A lifetime of build has led to this one moment..
Fade to black, only briefly does a WCWA logo flash on the screen before complete darkness covers the screen
© 2006/2008 WCWA & Half Life Media. All rights reserved.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
The Pay Per View portion of the show opens with a stern message, simply white text over a plain black screen.
WARNING: Unauthorized interception or receipt is prohibited!!
This Pay Per View Event is the exclusive property of Extreme Entertainment Inc. The World Championship Wrestling Alliance. Federal Law provides civil remedies and criminal penalties against any person divulging, publishing, intercepting, receiving, or assisting in intercepting or receiving this broadcast except as authorized by Extreme Entertainment Inc., by a cable operator authorized by Extreme Entertainment, or by others authorized by Extreme Entertainment.
Unauthorized viewers beware and be forewarned!!
As the Pay Per View portion of the show opens, a video begins to play with a deep voice giving voice overs (Fade from black into a shot of The Messiah taking Johnny Kashmire off the Wargames cage with the fireman's carry slam through tables) These men put their lives on the line. (Which fades into ) They break their bodies to entertain you all. (clipped into JC Bailey coming off a ladder barefoot into thumbtacks) Please don't take the money out of their pockets…(This clips into Beef Wellington diving off the top rope to Ass Punch Marty Jannetty) Respect the copyright laws associated with this product. (Which cuts into Jack Evans break dancing on the mat) This Pay Per View event is protected by local and national copy write laws. Any and all copying of this event is forbidden by federal laws, and if you found to be doing so, WCWA and Home Box Office Entertainment will prosecute to the fullest extent of the law. (This cuts into Allison Danger going through the table off the ring apron after the Yakuza Kick from Trent Acid before finally fading to black) Thank you.
This fades off into a music video, the slow guitar riffs of Johnny Cash’s “Hurt” starting, as the WCWA logo flashes on the screen, slowly switching out to the words “Est. 2004”
I hurt myself today.. (A black and white still of JC Bailey bloodied all over appears on the screen)
To see if I still feel.. (A similar still of Drake Younger appears on the screen as JC’s fades out)
I focus on the pain.. (Which fades back into JC Bailey, holding his feet in the air, covered in tacks)
The only thing that's real.. (This fades out to a stunning still of Drake Younger getting smashed with a light tube, as ends of the tube fly both directions)
The needle tears a hole.. (And fades back to another JC Bailey photo, this time with him getting stabbed with a needle on Synthetic)
The old familiar sting.. (And back to Drake, holding up his hand as blood pours from his arm pit)
Try to kill it all away.. (Cuts to a short clip of JC Bailey post match, dried blood everywhere as he tapes his wounds shut)
But I remember everything.. (Fades into a panning outwards clip of Drake Younger, focusing on the scars on his arm)
What have I become.. (This brings us to a black and white clip of LuFisto bloodied from the second King of the Death Matches)
My sweetest friend.. (Which fades to quick clip of Mickie Knuckles hugging xOMGx on Synthetic)
Everyone I know, goes away.. (This cuts to a clip of Mackie & LuFisto stumbling over the top rope)
In the end.. (And fades to SeXXXy Eddy letting off a mouse trap on LuFisto‘s butt)
And you could have it all.. (This fades into a still of Jack Evans holding the Junior Heavyweight title high over his head)
My empire of dirt (That cuts to Diehard Dustin posing, quickly cutting Hardcore Evil Ninja #2 looking hardcore and evil)
I will let you down.. (This cuts out to Darin Corbin sailing over the top rope and landing on his head on the floor on Synthetic)
I will make you hurt (And fades to black with Jack Evans break dancing..)
I wear this crown of thorns.. (A small clip of Joker, zooming in on a scar on his forehead)
Upon my liar's chair.. (Fades into Brain Damage getting tossed onto the time keeper’s table at A Fall From Grace)
Full of broken thoughts.. (Cuts to Joey Eastman and Brain Damage in the ring, with a small voice over from Eastman of “Camera Man.. ZOOM”
I cannot repair.. (This fades to Brain Damage throwing Robby Mireno up and over the top rope violently)
Beneath the stains of time.. (Which fades into Beef Wellington smiling and making a masturbation motion)
The feelings disappear.. (Splices into Marty Jannetty getting dropped on his head with an E.Coli Driver)
You are someone else.. (A quick clip of Marty Jannetty from the 90s transforms into modern Jannetty)
I am still right here.. (A quick turn of his hands and pose from Beef Wellington fades to black)
What have I become (A shot of BLK Out collectively, beating down the Backseat Boys, gang style appears on the screen)
My sweetest friend (and fades into the Backseat Boys celebrating a Tag team titles win)
Everyone I know goes away (A cut to Allison Danger with the Backseat Boys cuts in from here)
In the end (But splices into Trent Acid tackling Allison through a barbed wire board at KOTDM 2)
And you could have it all.. (A shot appears of Ruckus & Sabian with the Tag Team titles)
My empire of dirt.. (And fades out to The Backseat Boys and Jim Cornette with the same titles)
I will let you down.. (Which finally cuts into Johnny Kashmire falling off the Wargames cage)
I will make you hurt.. (And fades out with Trent Acid power bombing Allison Danger through a table on Breakdown)
If I could start again.. (A quick clip of Eddie Kingston, BLK Out standing behind him in arms)
A million miles away.. (This fades into Messiah standing center ring, his arms out stretched in a crucifix pose)
I would keep myself.. (Which fades into Chris Hero standing on the top rope, his arms high over his head)
I would find a way.. (The screen finally settles on a shot of the WCWA World Heavyweight title, sitting on a pedestal)
As the guitar riffs of Hurt end and Johnny Cash’s words trail off, the entire screen goes black, but brings up a talking head of Eddie Kingston.
EK: This is everything I ever wanted.. You will NOT take this from me..
Kingston fades away, being replaced by a talking head of Messiah.
Messiah: So it was written, so it shall be.. Tonight is destiny..
And Messiah fades into a talking head of Chris Hero.
CH: When I say I am the greatest wrestler ever.. It’s not a claim.. It’s the truth. Tonight, I prove it.
Hero fades off screen as we cut LIVE! To the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York City, as a small pyro display explodes on the stage, the camera panning over the crowd, ruckus and cheering wildly. “Hurt” By Johnny Cash plays as the camera soaks in the crowd, at a fever pitch.
BJ: From the Hammerstein Ballroom, live in the heart of New York City, WCWA and Half Life Media bring to you HURT!!
SD: We are packed to the raptors here for what should be one of the greatest WCWA Pay Per Views of all time..
“Hurt” cuts off as we slowly pan down to the announce table at ringside, where Ben Jordan sits in a nice suit next to Shane Douglas, a black polo shirt hanging off him loosely.
BJ: Tonight, we have nine big matches.. The biggest of all being the WCWA World Heavyweight title match.. Chris Hero, The Messiah, and Eddie Kingston.. Three men and only one title..
SD: These three have gone down some of the hardest paths in wrestling to get to this match.. And this one is going to be crazy.. Three men come into this match looking to claim the WCWA World Heavyweight title.. And only one is actually going to get it.. Should be off the charts!
BJ: WCWA International title up for grabs as Chuck Taylor battles it out with Delirious..
SD: A month ago, CM Punk was holding that title and neither Taylor or Delirious were even in this federation.. Now, they do battle for one of the riches prizes in the sport, the International championship!
BJ: WCWA Television title on the line tonight as once again champion Beef Wellington defends against Marty Jannetty!
SD: And once again, Beef’s going to kick Jannetty’s ass, he’s going to punch Jannetty’s ass, and according to what he said on Synthetic this past week.. He’s going to fuck Jannetty’s ass..
BJ: And make him humble?
SD: Quite possibly..
BJ: Moving along, WCWA World Tag Team titles on the line as champions the Backseat Boys defend against The BLK Out of Ruckus and Sabian.
SD: How long have the Backseat Boys held the World Tag Team championships?
BJ: Several months.. You’ve been around longer than I have, but I’d guess around six months, if not more..
SD: Exactly. They’ve held those titles for seven months. Almost to the day. They’ve held those titles for longer than the BLK Out have even been in this federation. I really don’t see tonight going any differently than any past nights..
BJ: Special grudge match tonight as Brain Damage does battle with Joker. This one should be a war.. And it’s in a cage!
SD: These two are going to kill themselves and kill each other, and I’m still not exactly sure why..
BJ: Well, Brain Damage violently pile drove Allison Danger on Synthetic, and roughed up the rest of BLK Out pretty badly..
SD: So Joker’s gonna come in here, play knight and shining armor and run right through Brain Damage? He’s called the Terminator for a reason and I expect to see Joker’s guts splattered all over New York City by the end of the night..
BJ: All this, plus so much more.. Let’s send it down to Mel Phillips for the opening introductions!
Cut to the ring where Mel Phillips stands in a nice suit holding a microphone.
MP: The following match is scheduled for one fall with a twenty five minute time limit and it is a first round match in the Ménage Et Trois trios tournament!
“Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!” by Vengaboys and Darin Corbin makes his way out onto the stage, Joey Eastman trailing shortly behind him, the crowd booing them both greatly. The camera zooms in on Darin Corbin’s electronic belt, which reads “Joey Eastman > Robby Mireno”.
JH: Making his way to the ring first, being accompanied to the ring by “Absolutely Tan” Joey Eastman, from “The Dude Ranch, because he’s Hung Like a Horse” weighing in tonight at one hundred and ninety three pounds, this is “Delicious” Darin Corbin!
Corbin and Eastman make their way to the ring quickly, Corbin sliding up the ring apron and into the ring, pelvic thrusting and dancing badly as his music continues to play.
BJ: What is that retard doing?
SD: Being Darin Corbin, Ben.
BJ: This is how he acts?
SD: All the time.
BJ: This is going to be a long night.
Corbin’s music cuts off and is replaced with “Heavy Metal Kings” by Jedi Mind Tricks. “Diehard” Dustin Lee makes his way out onto the stage to some cheers.
MP: Opponent number two, from Indianapolis, Indiana, weighing in tonight at one hundred and seventy one pounds, he is “Diehard” Dustin Lee!
Diehard makes his way down the ramp and slides into the ring, careful to keep to his corner, not bum rushing Eastman and Corbin.
BJ: And there you see RAAGE...
SD: (cutting Ben off) Do not mention that ass wipe's school.
BJ: What happened?
SD: He fucked with family. That's all you need to know.
BJ: The Dan Maff of WCWA?
SD: Well played.
Diehard’s music is quickly cut off, replaced by the opening cords of “Just Like You” by Three Days Grace. Billy Roc comes running out onto the stage, a red button up jacket replacing his usual black one. Shortly behind Billy Roc is Smooth Pleasing, finally by Chrisjen Hayme, wearing a red jacket identical to Roc‘s.
MP: Being accompanied to the ring by his new manager Smooth Pleasing and his new best friend forever, Chrisjen Hayme, from Lafayette, Indiana, weighing in tonight at one hundred and seventy five pounds, he is “Pure Dynamite” Billy Roc!
Roc down to the ringside area, sliding into the ring as he removes his jacket. All three men in and the bell sounds, setting this opening Pay Per View match in motion.
BJ: Ahh, so they are BFF’s..
SD: And you’re a ****!
Diehard calls for the lock up. Billy Roc obliges, grabbing the left hand with his right. Roc puts his left hand in the air, Diehard his right, both calling for Darin Corbin to lock into the triangle. Corbin comes forward and jabs both men with an eye poke.
SD: Well, give Corbin credit. He outsmarted both of them.
BJ: He poked them in the eyes!
SD: Tomato, tomahto.
BJ: I bet Kloss is glad Damage punched him.
Corbin points to his head. Roc and Diehard both grab Corbin, throwing him with a double hip toss up and over their Greco Roman knuckle lock. Roc and Diehard go for a double elbow, their fingers still laced together, but Corbin is able to roll out of the way. Corbin with a standing senton, but both men nip to their feet, the knuckle lock still locked on. Diehard with his free hand chops Billy Roc roughly across the chest, breaking the knuckle lock at last.
SD: That was floppidy.
BJ: You can expect a lot of that here. Roc has lucha influences, Corbin is a cruiserweight himself, and for a guy his size, Lee is incredibly light on his feet.
SD: More floppidy!
BJ: Give them a chance, will you.
Roc returns the favor with a chop of his own. Darin Corbin back to his feet and he comes running in, running right into a double chop from both men, sending Corbin down to the mat and Joey Eastman into a frenzy at ringside. Billy Roc tries to drop an elbow, but Corbin rolls out of the way. Diehard with an elbow, but Corbin out of the way again. Roc tries for an elbow on Diehard, but Diehard is able to get up to his feet in time, going for a standing senton on Corbin, but Corbin gets up. All three men to their feet for a three way stand off as the crowd claps politely.
SD: GOD DAMN IT!
BJ: Huh?
SD: That damn indy stand-off.
BJ: The what?
SD: You know. We're out of moves, so let's stand here like idiots and hope the crowd applauds!
Corbin comes running at both Roc and Diehard for an ax handle, but takes a double drop toe hold for his trouble. Roc in the face of Diehard now. Diehard with a high right hand, but Roc ducks under it and slides into a rear waist lock. Standing switch by Diehard into a rear waist lock of his own. Corbin back to his feet and comes running in, sunset flipping over both men, rolling up Diehard with a sunset flip and causing Diehard to German suplex Roc. Corbin holds Diehard in a pinning position, but it’s only enough for two says referee Bryce Remsburg.
SD: And now we go from floppidy to spotty.
BJ: In zero flat.
SD: Well, it happens around here.
BJ: I have noticed that. Too bad we have all that garbage stuff.
SD: I know, right? No actual wrestling allowed.
Corbin up and protesting a slow count. Billy Roc back to his feet. Roc comes at Corbin, Corbin ducks and Roc goes over with a leapfrog over the back. Corbin tries to get Roc up for an electric chair, but Roc flips backwards, throwing Corbin with a reverse hurricanrana, spiking the ginger superstar’s head into the mat.
BJ: Reverse 'rana!
SD: Some call it the poisoned 'rana.
BJ: Which may be apt, because I think Corbin is dead!
Billy Roc on his knees on the mat, Diehard comes from behind with a STIFF Dragon kick, snapping the kick pad covered foot off the bare back of Billy Roc. Corbin back to his feet and woozily. Diehard goes for a spinning roundhouse kick at Corbin’s head, but Corbin ducks and Diehard lands on his face. Corbin hooks the legs and puts a foot in Diehard’s back for a modified surfboard. Billy Roc comes running in and nails a double stomp right on Diehard’s head.
BJ: Double team curb stomp!
SD: Or, if you are Dustin Lee there, FUCK that hurt!
Diehard out of play momentarily, Corbin and Roc pair off with a lock up. Corbin over powers and sends Roc into the ropes. Roc puts on the breaks and stops with assistance from the top rope. Corbin comes running at him, but Roc gets underneath him, tossing Corbin high over the top rope and to the arena floor with a high back body drop.
BJ: And out of the ring goes Corbin.
SD: I am guessing since we had floppidy earlier, it's time for some flippidy here.
BJ: I think you may be right.
Joey Eastman is over to Corbin to check on him as the screen doubles up, a Quizno’s logo below the larger of the two screens.
BJ: What’s with the sandwich logo?
SD: It’s the Quizno’s slam of the night.. Quizno’s.. the..
BJ: Wait, how can it be the highspot of the night, when we’re only five minutes into the PPV?
SD: Shut up, Ben. We’ve got a lot of selling out to do, and you sure as hell aren’t making this easy! Now shut up and eat your sub! Quizno’s, the official sub sponsor of World Championship Wrestling Alliance!
Back to live action, Corbin is slowly getting back to his feet on the arena floor and Billy Roc is calling for a dive. He stomps his feet momentarily before turning around and running towards the far ropes, running right into a fatal Yakuza kick from Diehard Dustin.
SD: Hey! Asshole! That was to be the flippidy!
BJ: And Lee just murders Roc with that boot.
SD: He hit him harder that Ike hit Tina!
BJ: Oh, very relevant.
SD: It's a long show.
BJ: This is match one.
SD: Hence, my point.
Diehard immediately down for a cover, hooking the far leg. 1.…2.… kick out at two and a half from Billy Roc and Joey Eastman can’t believe it at ringside, rolling Corbin into the ring as he expresses his shock. Smooth Pleasing has begun to cheer on Roc for the near fall as well.
SD: Why is it that Lee doesn't have a manager?
BJ: I don't know.
SD: It's racism.
BJ: What?
SD: The fact that he has black hair.
BJ: Oh, you have to be kidding me.
Diehard gathers up the still groggy Corbin in a suplex position, pulling him to center ring. Corbin wiggles out of it and into a rear waist lock. Standing switch by Diehard as Billy Roc gets back to his feet. Corbin is fighting the German suplex, getting down to his knees and Diehard doesn’t have enough muscle mass to get him up.
SD: Comparably speaking, he should have chucked Corbin.
BJ: Corbin fighting it off.
SD: But he weighs like 90 pounds.
BJ: He does not.
SD: It's close. Eat a damn sandwich!
BJ: Make sure it's a go...
SD: Do not EVEN go there.
Billy Roc comes running in and nails a shining wizard, clobbering Corbin right in the face with the knee, which allows Diehard to easily take him over for the German, which he bridges into a pin attempt. 1.…2.… count broken up by Roc at the near fall.
BJ: Shinning Wizard into the German.
SD: A Japanese move, and a German move by a pair of Americans. Nice to see how cultural we've become.
Diehard up. Billy Roc comes after him with a push. Diehard backs up a bit, but comes right back in to DRILL Billy Roc with a European Uppercut and Roc goes down. Diehard takes a moment to taunt, so Darin Corbin takes advantage, tossing himself on Billy Roc for a pin attempt. 1.…2.. Diehard sees it and pulls Darin Corbin off.
BJ: I think Corbin just angered Diehard.
SD: May be Diehard smash time.
BJ: "Diehard smash"?
SD: Like "Hulk" smash. But less green. Okay, Dustin is nearly a rookie. About as green
Corbin and Roc to their feet woozily. Diehard goes after Corbin, tossing him right over the top rope. He tries to attack Roc quickly with an elbow, but Roc blocks it. Roc for a lung blower attempt, but Diehard sand bags him and Roc hits the mat. Corbin slides back into the ring and school boys Diehard, hooking a handful of tights, 1.…2.… count broken up at two and a half by Billy Roc.
SD: That little guy is sneaky.
BJ: You'd think he was a leprechaun or something.
SD: Please, don't give our bookers any ideas.
BJ: Leprechauns in wrestling? HA! That'd NEVER get over!
All three men up to their feet. Roc with a dive towards Corbin, but Corbin ducks and pulls down the top rope and Roc crashes to the arena floor. Corbin stumbles to center ring talking trash. He turns around, Diehard comes after him, but Corbin sees him coming and catches him with a kick to the gut. Corbin gets Diehard in a power bomb position, but pauses to say exactly what he‘s going to do.
SD: Yeah, my ass that is happening.
BJ: You don't think Corbin can powerbomb him?
SD: Well, no.
BJ: Smart answer.
Corbin takes too much time and Diehard reverses it into a back body drop, but holds onto Corbin’s legs. Diehard drops down, dropping Corbin right on his dome with a Jig & Tonic.
BJ: And Dustin calls that the "Hard Drive".
SD: That is a retarded name. Doesn't fit his gimmick.
BJ: Blame Dustin.
Diehard holds it to a pin attempt, referee slides into position, 1.…2...3!
BJ: And Dustin Lee has become the first person to advance in Ménage a Trios.
SD: Want to bet Gertner was pissed when he found this tournament had mostly dudes?
BJ: Speaking of, Joel's standing backstage...
SD: That was not meant to be a segue!
The bell sounds as Darin Corbin crumbles when being released. Diehard back to his feet as “Heavy Metal Kings” by Jedi Mind Tricks hits over the P/A system.
MP: Your winner of this match, and advancing in the Ménage Et Trois tournament.. “Diehard” Dustin LEE!
Referee raises Diehard’s hand and instead of opting for a pile on with managers and friends, Diehard opts to head out the ropes and up the ramp. On his way up the ramp, he catches a camera man.
DDL: Hide yourselves.. The government is out to get you!!
Diehard walks away from the camera man and up the ramp, cutting a quick pose as we cut backstage.
Cut away to the interview area, where Joel Gertner stands by with Beef Wellington.
JG: Well, well, well, if it isn’t I, the Quintessential Stud Muffin, Joel “A tisket, a tasket, I’ll stick my brisket in your basket” standing by with the reigning and defending WCWA World Television champion Beef Wellington. Beef, tonight, you defend against your smallest challenge yet. I’m not sure what makes Jannetty a credible contender for the Television title.. Hell, I’ve ever beat him..
Beef goes from being jovial, to looking upset.
BW: You wanna go? I’ll fuck you up man, seriously, I’ll fuck you up..
Beef raises his fists, but brings them down, along with his jaw, when a third man steps into the interview area. Carrying a belt, albeit one much larger than the WCWA Television title, a replica WCW World Heavyweight title to be specific, is the one and only Iron Sheik. Beef stares on with shock as the Sheik wobbles towards him.
IS: Beefie baybay.. Choo not want to fite zee Gurtner, you focust on dat Jeebroni Marty Zajetty. Dat Jeebroni wanstu take jew shampeonchip, zee shampeonchip jew werks so har for Beefie..
BW: I have no idea what you just said.. But it seems important.. Go on..
IS: Ahh, Beefie, you are good peeple.. Zee Sheikie needs some help..
BW: Oh?
IS: Zee Sheikie needs he’s medesin, you know, from the black folk.. Where are zee black peeple around here, Beefie baybay?
BW: Uhh, there’s Evans..
IS: And zhis Evans, he have zee medicine?
BW: Possibly.. Hey, you’re a former champion.. You have any advice for me, in my match tonight?
IS: Beefie, jew git dat Jeebroni in zee camel crutch wif a suprex, den jew break his fuckin back, and jew fuck his ass!
BW: I don’t usually fuck asses.. My thing is punching asses..
IS: Jew fuck his ass an make’em umble, zee ol coontray way..
Sheik wobbles away from the interview area, albeit very slowly.
BW: I’m kinda glad I wasn’t around in the old country, if they were fucking each other in the ass..
Cut to the announce table, where Ben Jordan looks shocked and Shane Douglas looks absolutely disgusted.
BJ: What the hell did we just see? Does that usually happen around here?
SD: No, and I thank God for that, because knowing Beef, he’s probably going to try to anally violate Jannetty tonight now..
BJ: *shudders*.. Moving to a much less gay topic..
“Hurt” by Johnny Cash begins to play, as a graphic appears on screen for the upcoming Mickie Knuckles versus LuFisto grudge match.
SD: These two women are seriously disturbed..
BJ: This one is an issue of respect, Mickie thinks LuFisto has disrespected her by calling herself the Queen of Hardcore.. And to get to this match, Mickie has jumped through hoops.
SD: And Conquistador outfits!
BJ: And broken bonds with long time friends.. Let’s send it up to Mel Phillips for the introductions..
Cut to the ring, where Mel Phillips stands with a microphone in hand.
MP: The following match is a special attraction women’s grudge match.. It is scheduled for one fall, with a thirty minute time limit.
“We Die Young” by Alice in Chains hits over the P/A system and LuFisto makes her way through the curtain in a stunning pink pleather mini skirt and matching top. LuFisto makes her way down the ramp quickly, passing by several fans who have their hands extended.
MP: Making her way to the ring, from Montreal, Quebec, Canada, weighing in tonight at one hundred and thirty seven pounds, she is “The Missionary of Violence” and the “Queen of Hardcore Wrestling”.. This is LUFISTO!
LuFisto slides into the ring, stretching out in the ropes momentarily as her music cuts off.
BJ: And true to her music, “We Die Young” may be appropriate.. Because these two young ladies are going to try to kill each other.
The camera pans up the entrance way as “******* Woman” by Gretchen Wilson begins to play over the P/A system. Mickie Knuckles wastes no time running down the ramp.
MP: And from Louisville, Kentucky, weighing in tonight at one hundred and eighty five pounds, she is Mickie KNUCKLES!
Mel barely finishes his abbreviated introduction before Mickie hits the ring. Mel bails out of the other side as Mickie gets up swinging. LuFisto with a hard chop, Mickie rubs it momentarily and comes back, striking LuFisto right above the ear. LuFisto comes back with a kick to the ribs, a punch, followed up by a Lou Thesz press and mounted punches.
BJ: And it hasn’t taken long for this to break down.
SD: Ben, you’ve not been here. These two have had some wars. And now, with a pay-per-view stage, I only expect the violence to get worse.
BJ: This match will determine who the true “First Lady of Hardcore” is.
SD: Um, it was Lizzy Borden, Ben.
BJ: Not that kind of hardcore, Shane.
SD: Oh
LuFisto off of Mickie and a house of fire as the crowd showers her in cheers, but from behind comes Mickie Knuckles, catching LuFisto with a chop block and taking out the knee.
BJ: You know, for wanting to prove how "hardcore" she is, that chop block seems like a shortcut.
SD: Call it what you want, it's still effective, Ben.
LuFisto slow back to her feet, crawling on her hands and knees. Mickie walks up to her and VIOLENTLY kicks her right in the forehead. LuFisto is rocked backwards from the vile kick, and lands on her rear end on the mat. Mickie into the far ropes, but LuFisto nips up. Mickie comes back at her, and LuFisto dives through the air and nails Mickie with a spinning heel kick.
BJ: Some striking early, but for now they seem content to wrestle.
SD: That won't last long. These two will be beating the shit out of each other in no time. That kick you saw is just the beginning
LuFisto grabs Mickie by her pony tail and jerks her back to her feet. Referee Derek Sabato tells LuFisto to get out of the hair, but LuFisto tells him to fuck off. Mickie with some shots to the mid section to escape the hair pulling. Mickie out of the grip and she grabs a handful of LuFisto’s hair, whipping her backwards to the mat by her pig tails.
SD: A hairmare? Really?
BJ: What's so wrong with a hairmare?
SD: These two can wrestle. That move is straight up diva bullshit.
Sabato warns Mickie of the hair pulling as well, but Mickie’s having none of it as she goes right after LuFisto. LuFisto is able to regain her composure though, and drills Mickie right between the legs. LuFisto pulls back, her hands still in knuckles, no pun intended, as Mickie crumbles to the mat.
SD: Did she just punch Mickie in the...?
BJ: We're in enough trouble with the censors. Yes, she punched her there.
SD: And somewhere in southern California, Chris Bosh is bitching.
LuFisto up to her feet, into the far ropes and she comes back, diving with a back senton, her legs extended upwards, squashing her full body weight down across the chest and mid section of Mickie. LuFisto back to her feet and she’s calling for the roaring elbow.
BJ: And talk about adding insult to injury.
SD: What are you talking about Ben?
BJ: LuFisto just used a kicking back senton. Another person that makes good use of that move is Chris Hero, who also happens to be one of Mickie Knuckles' trainers!
Mickie up to her feet slowly and LuFisto comes spinning in for the roaring elbow, but Mickie is able to duck. Mickie with a go behind into a full nelson. Mickie lifts LuFisto up, then drops her down with the full nelson across her knee.
BJ: Full nelson backbreaker!
SD: That looked like it hurt like a bitch! Beyond ridicious! Who keeps inventing new ways to back break people?
BJ: No clue, but they certainly have no remorse
SD: That, or they are from the next generation..
BJ: Trying too hard there, Shane.
Mickie backs up a bit as LuFisto slowly gets to her knees. Mickie comes running in, one leg out, going for the shining wizard, but LuFisto gets both arms up and blocks it. LuFisto up to a vertical base, she spins for a roaring elbow, but Mickie ducks it and LuFisto goes right over her head, but LuFisto spins back and NAILS Mickie with a back fist and Mickie goes DOWN!
SD: HOLEE SHIT! That back fist would make Kingston jealous!
BJ: So, we've had a Hero, and a Kingston reference in this match. Where's Messiah's plug?
SD: Didn't we mention Lizzy Borden earlier?
BJ: I said Messiah plug, not butt plug..
SD: Now who’s trying too hard, Ben?
LuFisto with a lateral press on Mickie, referee Derek Sabato into position for the pin, 1.…2... Kick out from Mickie and LuFisto can’t believe it! LuFisto back to her feet and she’s calling for another back fist. Mickie slow back up, using Sabato’s shirt for leverage. LuFisto spins, going for the back fist again, but this time, Mickie is able to duck it and LuFisto clobbers Sabato.
SD: I'd say I feel bad for Sabato, but that is the first time a woman has touched him since the first Bush administration!
BJ: Well, that's not true.
SD: Regan?
BJ: Yeah, election talk. Topical. It’s 2006 you numbskull. Wait until 2008 for those jokes.
LuFisto checks on the downed referee for a moment. Realizing he’s dead, LuFisto goes back after Mickie, but Mickie has recovered quite a bit and drills LuFisto with a heart punch. LuFisto stunned, Mickie grabs her in an arm bar and sends her sailing into the ropes with an Irish Whip. Mickie comes running in herself and hits an elbow. LuFisto starts to fall out of the corner, but Mickie pushes her right back.
SD: I think we’d be better off if we gave our refs more protection.
BJ: You mean those Trojans backstage weren’t for the wrestlers?
SD: I am not even going to go there.
Mickie to the second rope and she’s really laying into LuFisto with the punches as the crowd counts along. One, two, three.. Mickie pauses to tell the crowd to shut the hell up and flip them off, which proves to be a fatal mistake, as LuFisto gets underneath Mickie. With a handful of waist band for leverage, LuFisto comes out of the corner and brutally power bombs Mickie Knuckles center ring. LuFisto with a cover, but Sabato is still out of it.
BJ: Is there a doctor in the house?
SD: I do not think so.
BJ: How about a Dean?
SD: Didn’t take you long to go there, did it?
BJ: Well, when in Rome…
LuFisto’s had enough, rolling to the outside and grabbing a steel chair. She tosses the chair into the ring, but Mickie, slow to her feet, holding her lower back, is able to intercept the chair, simply tossing it out of LuFisto‘s reach. LuFisto back into the ring, sticking her head in first. Mickie is fast on the attack, drilling LuFisto right in the forehead with a sickening Kawada kick. LuFisto stumbles into the ring. Mickie with a cover, but Sabato is still down.
SD: God damn!
BJ: Sickening Kawada kick there from Mickie Knuckles!
Mickie goes after the chair now. A few taps on the mat with the chair and she’s prepared to take LuFisto’s head off with it. LuFisto slow to her feet. Mickie swings it sideways going for a full facial shot, but LuFisto ducks under the chair. Mickie thinks quick and tosses the chair to LuFisto. She’s going for the Van Daminator, but LuFisto is thinking on her feet, throwing the chair right back at Mickie, crowning the red head with the chair. Mickie goes down with the chair over her head like an excess necklace.
SD: Looks like Mickie just picked up some extra black bling.
BJ: You are way too white to be saying that!
SD: How dare you! My homies love me!
BJ: And that proves my theory
LuFisto is calling for another back fist. LuFisto spins in for the back fist, but Mickie ducks this time as well. Mickie firing back with chops and kicks, but LuFisto has gained fighting spirit and feels no damage, simply yelling off the pain. Mickie grabs LuFisto by the ears and begins to lay in the head butts. LuFisto takes two, then is able to return them, grabbing Mickie’s head the same way and bashing skulls together.
SD: You know, when I picture two chicks banging, this isn’t what I have in mind.
BJ: And that pretty much guarantees we lose one of our providers.
SD: Hey, I’d recommend the channel up two from us. They have the good stuff. After the PPV, of course.
BJ: Of course.
Both girls ram their heads together for sickening thuds. Mickie is now split wide open, either from the head butts, the chair shot, or a combination of the two. Mickie’s blood is flowing thick enough from the head butts that it leaves blood behind on LuFisto’s forehead and stains of crimson through LuFisto’s blonde locks. The crowd is shocked at what they are seeing. LuFisto is finally able to knock Mickie down, but is very woozily herself, eventually falling to her butt
BJ: And both girls go down!
SD: Speaking of…
BJ: Shut the hell up, Douglas. Show some respect.
SD: Is that a spine, Jordan? You may be okay after all.
Both girls are down, Sabato slowly back to his feet. He’s feeling woozily, but in the time he was down, has become the best conditioned person in the ring. Once he’s regained his bearings, he starts the standing ten count on both girls.
SD: And even after getting the absolute SHIT knocked out of him, Sabato is the only person standing.
BJ: That’s because Mickie and LuFisto have beaten the hell out of each other
LuFisto is the first to stir. Mickie back up, but very slowly. LuFisto from behind Mickie and she’s going for the torture rack. She gets Mickie up onto her shoulders, but Mickie’s able to slide down and back to her feet.
BJ: Looks like LuFisto was going for that Burning Hammer, but Mickie escaped.
SD: Good thing too, because if LuFisto hits that, it’s curtains for Mickie.
Mickie with a couple of elbows to the back of the head of LuFisto. LuFisto turns around and Mickie catches her in the gut with a kick. LuFisto doubles over and Mickie grabs her head, jumping high and nailing the double arm DDT, intentionally or otherwise dropping LuFisto’s dome on the steel chair.
BJ: Double-arm DDT!
SD: Bang, bang!
BJ: Groan.
Mickie down for a pin, quickly sliding the chair out from under LuFisto and out of the ring as Sabato slides into position. 1.….2.…3!
BJ: And the double-arm DDT on the steel spells the end for LuFisto here.
SD: Why do I get the feeling this isn't over, though?
BJ: Probably because it's not.
The bell sounds as Mel Phillips comes over the P/A system to make the announcement.
MP: Your winner of this match, “The Walking Episode of COPS” Mickie Knuckles!
“******* Woman” by Gretchen Wilson begins to play as Mickie slides out of the ring, heading up the ramp, raising her hands in victory. LuFisto has yet to move from the brutal Rotten Rush on the chair. Mickie through the curtain and LuFisto is finally stirring, making her way to the back with help from various referees and ring attendants.
Cut backstage to Joel Gertner, who is with Ruckus, Sabian, and Robby Mireno. They stand near a WCWA HURT backdrop, a solid aluminum ladder standing in front of them.
JG: Well, well, well, if it isn't I, The Quintessential Stud Muffin, Joel "Not the Jake the Snake of Getting Baked, but you should say your prayers, your psalms, and all that other jazz, because Gertner 4:69 says I just fucked your mom’s ass" Gertner.
Gertner pauses for a moment as the live audience has erupted into a deafening “Gert-Ner! Gert-Ner!” chant. Once the crowd calms down, Joel continues.
JG: And I am here with the BLK Out, Ruckus and Sabian, along with Robby Mireno, who are just moments away from their WCWA World Tag Team titles shot against The Backseat Boys, and tonight, it’s a ladder match. Your thoughts?
Gertner hands the microphone over to Ruckus.
Ruckus: Yo, listen to this shit, Gertner, no one get higher than the BLK Out. Tonight, we gonna smoke Acid and Kashqueer like high class weed.
Sabian (leaning in): Then we gonna fuck some white bitches.
Ruckus: And we gonna party all fuckin night long like only the BLK Out can.
Ruckus hands the microphone off to Mireno.
RM: Because believe me motha fuckas, you ALWAYS bet on black!
The camera pans backwards a bit, Mireno holding the microphone in awkward silence.
RM: Yo, where’s Evans for the “BIOTCH?”
The camera does a quick spin to Jack Evans, standing by with the Iron Sheik.
JE: Fo’rizzle? That’s how shiznit was dizone in da ol contray yo?
IS: For rizzeal. Now, jew know vat de Cheekie nee for ’es medesin?
JE: Yo, homeboy got you covered.
Pan back to the BLK Out, who all are staring at Evans.
JE: Oh shiznit, homie dropped da ball. Too late for mah pizart homies?
Fade out and back to ringside, where Shane Douglas looks more upset than usual.
SD: We brought in Sheik, for this?? Couldn’t we at least put him in a battle royal??
BJ: Jack Evans may be the whitest guy ever.
SD: I dunno, Bryan Danielson is damn white.
BJ: True dat, playa.
SD: I sit corrected.
BJ (Chuckling): All joking aside, this next match has all the makings for a high impact car wreck..
A graphic appears on the screen promoting the next match, The Backseat Boys on one side, Ruckus and Sabian on the other, a ladder between the two teams. “Hurt” by Johnny Cash plays as the graphic is displayed.
SD: These two teams are going to destroy each other and use ladders in ways that they obviously weren’t intended for. I’ve never been more excited with my pants on in my life!
BJ (sighs): Let’s send it up to Mel Phillips for the introductions!
Cut to Mel Phillips standing center ring, a microphone in hand.
MP: The following match is scheduled for one fall, it is for the WCWA World Tag Team championships, and it will be a LADDER MATCH!
Pan upwards to the title belts already hanging high above the ring as the crowd cheers wildly. Pull back from the titles and up the entrance way, where one ladder stands in the middle, and several more line the guardrails.
MP: First.. The challengers..
“I’m a Hustla” by Jay Z hits over the P/A system and Robby Mireno comes stomping out onto the stage and down the ramp. Following shortly behind Mireno is Sabian, dragging the ladder that they had previously had at the interview area, then Ruckus.
MP: Being accompanied to the ring by “The Frank Sinatra of Professional Wrestling, Primo” Robby Mireno.. First, from Chocolate City, weighing in at an estimated street value of $14 million dollars, he is the “Jake the Snake of Getting Baked, The Michael Hayes of Getting Blazed, and the Bruce Lee of OHHHHH WEEEEEE” this is RUCKUS! And his tag team partner, also from Chocolate City, weighing in tonight at an estimated street value of $12.5 million dollars, he is “The Floyd Mayweather of Fucking White Bitches because they pay better, The Barrack Obama of Smokin Marijuana, and Pistol Pez Whatley HIMSELF” He is “The Black Jesus” SABIAN! Together, they are the BLK OUT!
BJ: Can we say that about Barrack Obama?
SD: I can't see why not. We've done it before.
BJ: This will mean something by the time this airs.
SD: It airs in January 2006.
BJ: Oh, yee of little faith.
The BLK Out have hit the ring, Mireno simply staying on the outside for this one. Cut to a pre-taped promo, where the WCWA World Tag Team Champion Backseat Boys stand by a HURT backdrop, manager Jim Cornette standing with them with his trusty tennis racket in hand. In the upper right hand of the screen, it says “earlier tonight”
JC: Tonight, in that very ring, you will bare witness to stupidity and retardation behind comprehension. And then Jannetty and Beef will get out of the ring and let the wrestlers actually wrestle. Tonight, my Backseat Boys are being forced to defend their titles in a ladder match. What climbing a ladder and pulling down some belts has to do with rasslin, I’ll never know, but the geniuses that book this dog and pony show thought that there wasn’t enough plunder on the show, so my Backseat Boys get to do some stupid gimmick like this. BLK Out, you common criminals, you may think you’re “street” and that you “run with a big posse” but boys, that don’t have nothing to with rasslin. And believe me mother f’ers, when you always bet, you eventually lose your buck.
With a genital motion, Acid hops in.
TA: Biotches~!
Back to a live shot, the BLK Out’s music has long faded out. Ruckus and Sabian stand center ring, anxiously awaiting the champions. The lights come to a dim, a strobe focusing over the entrance way as “The Chase” by Giorgio Moroder begins to play over the P/A system. Acid and Kashmire make their way through the curtain, Jim Cornette following behind them, tennis racket in hand.
MP: And their opponents, being accompanied to the ring by “The Manager of Champions” James E. Cornette, first, from South Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, weighing in tonight at one hundred and eighty five pounds, he is “The International Superstar” Trent ACID! And his tag team partner, also from South Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, weighing in tonight at one hundred and ninety two pounds.. He is Johnny Kashmire, together, they are the reigning and defending World Championship Wrestling Alliance World Tag Team Champions.. The BACKSEAT BOYS!!
Acid and Kashmire to ringside, slowly removing their ring jackets and walking single file up the ring steps and into the ring. Ruckus and Sabian try to make the jump, but referee Bryce Remsburg gets between them, Acid and Kashmire only adding fuel to the fire by taunting the BLK Out.
BJ: Makes you wonder what Lane and Eaton think about Acid and Kashmire stealing their music.
SD: They did not steal it. They recycled it. It's green team to the rescue.
BJ: And to think, you used to be a 'dean'.
SD: Hey, it was a dumb gimmick.
Acid and Kashmire finally enter the ring and Bryce calls for the bell, officially starting this World Tag Team Titles ladder match.
BJ: And we’re under way.
The two teams circle around the ring. Double lock up, Acid with Ruckus, Sabian with Kashmire. Acid and Kashmire over power the much smaller BLK Out members and send them into the far ropes. BLK Out come back, Acid and Kashmire duck down for back body drops, but BLK Out nail them with double drop kicks right to the top of the head. The Backseats go down and slide out of the ring.
BJ: And young meets old, as a double dropkick takes the Backseats out of the ring.
SD: Ruckus and Sabian may goof around a lot, but they can both bust ass in the ring. Acid and Kashmere better not take them lightly or the WCWA tag straps won't be going back with the Backseats
The Backseats are trying to regain their composure on the floor. The BLK Out start clapping in the ring then dart into the ropes. Ruckus dives up and over the top rope with a tope suicidia, Sabian between the top and middle ropes and with a dive and both Backseats are effectively taken out with dives. BLK Out get back to their feet as the fans go crazy.
BJ: And the BLK Out are flying high.
SD: Well, no higher then usual.
BJ: It was a metaphor, Shane.
SD: Well, it was a bad one, Ben.
Once back to his feet, Ruckus wastes no time, grabbing a ladder from the guardrail and sliding it into the ring. Ruckus slides the ladder into the ring, then hops up to the guardrail. Kashmire is back to his feet. Ruckus backs up like he’s going to go for a dive, but Trent Acid comes in and clips the foot, causing Ruckus to trip right on the apron, smacking his face violently off the unpadded apron before crumbling to the floor.
SD: Smart move by Kashmire.
BJ: Ruckus face first into the ring apron, and it looks like the Backseats are back in control here.
Sabian comes diving in after Acid, clobbering him with a forearm. Meanwhile, Johnny Kashmire has slid into the ring and set the ladder up just underneath the tag team title belts. Kashmire starts up the ladder, climbing quickly, but Sabian spots him. Sabian slides back into the ring and pushes the ladder over, but Kashmire sees him coming and is able to land on his feet
BJ: Kashmire again thinking quick, able to land on his feet.
SD: And with Ruckus down, if Acid makes his way to his feet, Sabian could be in trouble here.
Kashmire comes running at Sabian, but Sabian catches him and drops him with a VICIOUS spine buster, right onto the ladder! Sabian hops up, victoriously taunting to the crowd, much to their approval.
SD: And now, even Kashmire's smartness has come to an end.
BJ: Evil spine buster by Sabian there, sending Kashmire back first into the ladder.
SD: Which I am going to guess doesn't feel good.
BJ: Seems like a safe bet to me there, Shane.
Back into the ring is Trent Acid, immediately going after Sabian. Acid grabs Sabian by the arm and attempts to whip him into the ropes, but Sabian reverses it and sends Acid sailing in. Sabian runs in for a splash attempt but Acid gets out of the way and Sabian ends up crotching himself, sitting on the middle turnbuckle and facing outwards.
SD: Well, we knew Sabian was nuts. And now, he just landed on them! HAHAHAHA!
BJ: Oh, that's real funny. Been reading Jerry Lawler's joke book?
SD: Do not compare me to that pompous ass, new guy. Or your stay here will be shorter then Kloss'.
Acid pulls Sabian’s head down and puts him in a modified tree of woe position, Sabian’s lack of height making up for the hook not being over the top rope. Acid grabs the ladder that was previously set up and lays it across the face of Sabian. Acid makes devil horns on his head as he backs up into the far corner, then runs in for a missile drop kick right into the corner into the ladder, into Sabian’s face.
SD: B-Boy in the house, yo.
BJ: As Acid has just put to use a move from a former stable mate of his from another promotion.
SD: A promotion all four have worked for.
Ruckus is back in play, but is met immediately with rabid forearms and kicks from Johnny Kashmire. Ruckus tries to fight back, but Acid gives him a Pearl Harbor job from behind and the Backseats have Ruckus down. Acid calls for a second ladder, which manager Jim Cornette gladly hands into the ring. Acid lays the ladder down in the center of the ring, positioning it for something.
BJ: For someone who didn't want his team in a ladder match, Cornette sure passed it in there quickly.
SD: Well, Ben, when in Rome...
BJ: It's okay to be a hypocrite?
SD: Apparently.
Acid goes back to work on Ruckus, he and Kashmire double teaming Ruckus and pulling him up to a vertical base. Double whip into the ropes from the Backseats, sending Ruckus as far as possible into the ropes without him having to pass over the ladder center ring. Ruckus rebounds back into them, where they both catch a leg and lift him high into the air, dropping him with a double gut buster right onto the ladder.
BJ: Double face first flapjack!
SD: Gut first into the ladder. He's not going to be able to process food correctly for a month!
BJ: About the time of Trial and Error.
SD: Nice segue.
BJ: Why thank you.
Acid back to the ladder that he previously dropkicked into Sabian. Acid starts the climb up, but Sabian is right back into action, walking right behind Acid, who was three rungs up the ladder by this point. Sabian hooks Acid by the belt loop and pulls him off the ladder for a SICKENING power bomb!
BJ: And Sabian power bombs Acid off the ladder!
SD: But you'll notice Ben, that he did not sit out with it. While sitting out would have generated more force, it would have also made it take longer for Sabian to be in the position to climb the ladder. Sometimes, you have to make those sacrifices in a match like this!
BJ: That is an excellent point, Shane.
SD: I wasn't a 'Dean' for nothing.
BJ: You aren't a 'Dean' either.
SD: They know what I meant.
Sabian and Kashmire are the last two standing at this point. Kashmire with a clothesline attempt on Sabian, but Sabian ducks right under him and Kashmire ends up clothes lining nothing but the previously climbed on ladder. The ladder lands on the top rope and stays laying diagonally partially standing.
BJ: Oh, I do not have a good feeling about that.
SD: I think Sabian's about to fuck Kashmire up!
BJ: Appears to be the case...
Ruckus back up and with the second ladder in his hands. He lifts it up and puts it over his head and arms. He begins to spin. Trent Acid gets up and walks right into a ladder shot to the chin. Johnny Kashmire back to his feet and Ruckus pops him right in the mouth with the steel ladder leg. Sabian is up and Ruckus nearly takes him out with the ladder, but Sabian is able to duck and avoid it. Ruckus stops with both Backseats down on the mat.
BJ: And Ruckus paying tribute to the "Living Legend" Terry Funk.
SD: That old, heat stealing fucker.
BJ: I don't even want to know.
SD: Trust me, you don't.
BJ: Drilling the Backseats with the ladder..
SD: Would that be gay bashing?
BJ: Would you stop??
Sabian goes to the ladder that’s leaning on the ropes and pulls it back to a standing position. Sabian starts the trek up the ladder, but Trent Acid quickly climbs the other side. They meet at the top. Switch to a camera angle from up top, showing the two men standing high in the air.
SD: QUICK! WIL-E-COYOTE CAM!
BJ: Will you calm down? I don't think we have one here. (As the angle switches)
SD: Oh, but we do! And apparently the view comes with peanuts.
BJ: Well, they fly high. No lie.
SD: Not funny.
BJ: Someone will get it.
A hard right ten feet in the air from Acid, Sabian returns the blow. Ruckus wants Acid off the ladder and he takes his ladder and nails Acid with it. Acid loses his balance and falls from the ladder, but in the process knocks the ladder over, taking Sabian off as well. Acid stumbles to the outside of the ring.
SD: Car crash!
BJ: Remember folks, they know how to land!
SD: Who are you, Jim Ross?
BJ: Well, it was supposed to be a parody.
SD: It was supposed to be funny, but it wasn't that either.
Ruckus stands the ladder back up and starts to climb it. Kashmire gets up enough to lift the ladder up from the side Ruckus wasn’t climbing, sending Ruckus sailing to the arena floor. A close up from the camera man on Kashmire’s face, his mouth now oozing blood, down his chin and dripping onto his chest.
SD: You bust my mouth, I bust your ass!
BJ: Payback for the ladder shot from earlier, as Kashmire sends Ruckus to the floor!
SD: Next thing you know, he's going to make him humble!
BJ: Well, we know Sheik is in the house. It's possible.
Kashmire starts climbing the ladder now, his blood dripping from the ladder and leaving a bloodstain on the mat far below. Sabian gets back to his feet and comes up from behind Kashmire, climbing the ladder just below Kashmire. Kashmire is now to the top of the ladder, his fingers just inches away from the World Tag Team title belts. Sabian comes from behind him and grabs him, bringing him off the ladder with a hellacious Russian leg sweep, both men violently crashing to the mat far below.
BJ: Russian leg sweep from the ladder!
SD: So impressive, I think I heard Nikita Kolov go "DAMN" from here.
BJ: If you are joining us, Nikita...we thank you. If you ordered it legally, of course.
Ruckus back up to his feet and he tries to scale the ring apron, yet another ladder in his hands, but Trent Acid meets him there and takes the ladder away. Ruckus with a standing drop kick on the ring apron into the ladder, sending Acid and the ladder sailing backwards off the ring apron, the ladder nearly flying over the guardrail.
SD: Jesus Christ, you fucking morons! We've been sued enough as it is!
BJ: Ruckus wiping out Acid, and nearly the front row too!
SD: That was not bright, guys!
Ruckus scrambles back to his feet and back into the ring where he starts the trek up the ladder center ring. He’s halfway there, but Johnny Kashmire stops him with a low blow and Ruckus falls backwards right off the ladder.
BJ: And Kashmire goes low, taking Ruckus off the ladder.
SD: I've heard stories of Kashmire going low on dudes, but I do not think that is what they meant...
BJ: Oh, will you stop it?
Kashmire makes a quick climb up the ladder. He’s going unopposed to the championship belts. He’s at the top of the ladder. The Backseat Boys have this match won.. But Robby Mireno darts into the ring and swoops the ladder right up from underneath Kashmire. Kashmire is now hanging from the belt loop high in the air. Mireno folds up the ladder and walks under Kashmire, casually jabbing him between the legs with the top of the ladder. Kashmire loses his grip and falls flat back all the way back to the mat.
BJ: Now, that is how you go low on someone!
SD: Do you have any idea how gay that sounded?
BJ: Sadly, yes I do.
Mireno sets the ladder back up and grabs Sabian, sending him to the top. Sabian is moving slowly, but moving with the encouragement of Mireno. Trent Acid back into the ring now, Sabian nearly to the top of the ladder. Acid runs in and nails Mireno with a super kick, and Mireno falls into the ladder, knocking it over and sending Sabian flying to the outside off the top of the ladder.
BJ: Oh, Mireno's going to hear about that one!
SD: Assuming Sabian gets up, you mean.
BJ: Well, yeah. Mireno better hope he doesn't.
Acid sets a ladder up across the top rope, grabbing up Ruckus and smashing his head against it, just for good measure, before climbing the ladder center ring. Acid starts his climb up the ladder, scaling the steel one hung at a time. He’s to the top and reaching for the titles. Ruckus regains his senses and goes after him. Acid has a hold of one of the Tag Team title belts, but he’s having issues keeping it steady enough on the belt hook to unbuckle it.
SD: Ruckus better hurry the fuck up.
BJ: Looks like Acid is about to retain the tag belts for the Backseats!
Ruckus comes up the ladder quickly. He nails Acid with a low blow and Acid loses his grip of the title belt that he had. Acid doubles over on the top of the ladder. Ruckus is standing just behind him, slowly working his way so he’s balancing on both sides of the ladder at once. Ruckus grabs Acid by the head and shoves him off the ladder. Acid does a flip as he falls before crashing into the ladder he had previously set up across the ropes. The ladder bounces as it crumbles, folding up slightly as Acid crumbles.
SD: And it's Acid going off the ladder.
BJ: I think we can assume that they are within moments of losing the belts now!
SD: Well, with Ruckus about to climb back up...
Ruckus slides back up to one side of the ladder the way a ladder is meant to be climbed and right to the top. Ruckus reaches up and unhooks one of the WCWA Tag Team title belts.
SD: Ruckus has the belt!
BJ: And we have new tag champions!
The bell sounds as Ruckus slips off the ladder, crashing to the mat, clinching one of the two WCWA World Tag Team titles as he lands to the mat. “I’m a Hustla” by Jay Z begins to play over the P/A system, Mel Phillips making the announcement official.
MP: And your winners of this match.. And the NEWWWWWW!!!!! WCWA WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLDDDD!!!!! The BLK Out.. Ruckus and SABIAN!!!
Robby Mireno immediately hits the ring, quickly climbing up the ladder to retrieve the other World Tag Team title. Ruckus has problems getting to his feet, but with help from Mireno, he does exactly that. As Sabian rolls back into the ring and accepts his Tag Team title belt, Allison Danger and Jack Evans make their way down the ramp, Evans with the WCWA Junior Heavyweight title draped over his shoulder. Mireno finds a near by camera man as BLK Out celebrate behind him.
RM: I TOLD YOU! I TOLD ALL YOUR MOTHER FUCKERS!! THE BLK OUT ALWAYS BRINGS HOME THE GOLD!! TAG TITLES, JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE.. KING IS BRINGING HOME THE WORLD TITLE.. BET ON BLACK BITCHES!!
Pan to the outside, where Jim Cornette has gathered his Backseat Boys, both looking worse for wear. Kashmire’s face is completely covered with blood spatterings from his busted lip, Acid clutching his ribs that are already externally bruised. The Backseats and Cornette retreat to the backstage area, their heads hung low, as the BLK Out continues to celebrate in the ring.
Cut backstage to Joel Gertner. Gertner is standing in front of a WCWA HURT backdrop. Standing next to him is Marty Jannetty.
JG: Well, well, well, if it isn’t I, the Quintessential Stud Muffin, Joel “I showed up at HURT, and wouldn‘t you know.. I found a pretty young thing and she swallowed me whole!” Gertner, standing by with Marty Jannetty. Jannetty, tonight you’re going to lose in another Television title match to Beef Wellington.. What are your plans afterwards? I hear Elsa Bangz will screw pretty much anyone.. You might have a chance..
Jannetty looks less than pleased, walking away from the interview area without saying a word.
JG: See, I knew he liked cock. Back to you, Shane.
Cut back to ringside, where Shane Douglas sits with a smirk on his face, Ben Jordan shuffling through notes.
BJ: What a title match that was that we have just seen!
SD: A competitive, high flying car wreck! And now.. We move on to something completely different.
A graphic comes up on the screen. On the left side is Beef Wellington, the right Marty Jannetty. Below both of them is the words “WCWA World Television Title Match” as “Hurt” by Johnny Cash plays in the background.
BJ: It’ll certainly be something..
SD: I’m saying Beef over Jannetty in around five minutes. Probably with ass-based offense..
BJ: Let’s send it to Mel Phillips!
Cut to the center of the ring, where Mel Phillips stands. Several ring crew attendants are still hauling away ladders.
MP: The following match is scheduled for one fall, with a thirty minute time limit, and it is for the WCWA World Television championship!
The crowd goes nuts, knowing that perpetual fan favorite Beef Wellington is about to grace the ring. Their cheers quickly turn to boos with a spattering of laughter as “Living After Midnight” by Judas Priest hits over the PA System. Marty Jannetty makes his way out onto the stage.
MP: First, the challenger, from Clearwater, Florida, weighing in tonight at two hundred and twenty six pounds and a kilo, he is the “Midnight Rocker” Marty Jannetty!
Jannetty makes his way down the ramp, quickly sliding into the ring and going to the corner for a quick pose.
BJ: What I want to know is how does he get into the building with the kilo?
SD: You'd have to ask Robby Mireno that.
BJ: And what does that mean?
SD: Where do you think he gets it from? And if you make a Tyrone Biggums joke here, I will personally pay Eastman to have Damage punch you hard. In the face.
The lights go dim.. On the big screen is nothing but black. However, we hear slams and a hot, fiery crowd cheering loudly. A new noise is heard, a grunted laugh familiar to everyone in the crowd and at home. Suddenly, over the big screen, come the men who revolutionized the 90s.. That inspired an entire generation and revolutionized the music industry as we know it. Sitting on a couch, side by side, are Beavis and Butthead.
Beavis: *grunting guitar*
Butthead: Shut up Beavis.. Wrestling’s on..
Beavis: Hey look.. LOOK! This guy is touching himself
Butthead: That is kick ass..
Beavis: Heehee.. He's touching himself.. On TV..
A quick ninety degree spin in Beavis & Butthead’s world goes to a TV screen, where Beef Wellington is simulating masturbation. This leads to the opening cords of "Medal", cutting off following the intro with a loud "MOOO", which leads into "Hangin Tough" by The New Kids on the Block. After five introductions to his song, Beef Wellington finally makes his way through the curtain, the WCWA Television championship in hand.
BJ: I can’t believe we aired that..
SD: I can’t believe we paid for that..
BJ: We didn’t..
Mel Phillips makes the introduction.
MP: And now, the WCWA World Television champion. From the Backstage Area, weighing in tonight at two hundred and nineteen and one quarter pound with cheese, light lettuce, and extra pickles, this is Beef WELLINGTON!
BJ: It tells you how over Beef is that a wrestling crowd is not booing him out of the building for using a New Kids on the Block song.
SD: I think it's more telling that you know who the New Kids on the Block were.
BJ: Oh, fuck off.
SD: Hence, the problem.
Beef makes his way down the ramp, slapping several hands, shaking his cow bell in a comical way. Beef slides into the ring and goes to the ropes for a pose, but Jannetty attacks him from behind, jerking him right off the top rope. Referee Ollie Tharp calls for the bell, retrieving the WCWA Television title from the mat and lifting it in the air, telling all that while this match will be shenanigans filled, it IS for the World Television title.
SD: How this chicanery is involved with the TV title, I'll never know.
BJ: Beef's over. He deserved a belt. And it's not like the TV title has done much before.
SD: I don't know. Shelley used it as a springboard.
BJ: Yeah. To be Kevin Nash's bitch. Real impressive.
SD: Yeah, because what an accomplishment it would have been to main event an Elite Pro show
Opening bell and this World Television title match is under way. Jannetty attacks the downed Beef with stomps and kicks, Beef actually cowering in pain from Jannetty’s attack. Jannetty grabs the cowbell that Beef brought to the ring with him and smacks Beef across the back. Referee Ollie Tharp warns Jannetty of a disqualification. Jannetty tosses the bell to the outside.
BJ: It saddens me that we lost out on a Heenan opportunity there.
SD: Agreed. Very sad indeed.
BJ: You even know what I am talking about?
SD: Yes. One of us has worked with Bobby Heenan before, and it's not you, pal.
BJ: So, you're acknowledging your time with WCW?
SD: Acknowledging, yes. Proud of? No.
Jannetty pulls Beef up to a vertical base. Clubbing rights from Jannetty, actually on the offense for once. Jannetty locks on an arm bar, twisting away. Beef seems to be thinking. He sticks his free arm underneath the arm barred arm, wiggling his fingers a bit. Jannetty grabs that hand with his free hand. Beef uses their newly formed under bond to break the arm bar, lifting up and busting through.
SD: Time out.
BJ: What?
SD: These two are wrestling?
BJ: That is what's on the marquee, right?
SD: Well, yes. But this is supposed to be the comedy relief/piss break match. What the fuck, guys?
Jannetty seems a bit frustrated that Beef has out smarted him. Jannetty comes running at Beef for a double axe handle smash, but Jannetty takes him down with a belly to belly suplex. Jannetty back up and tries the same, Beef throwing him with another belly to belly. Jannetty up again, running for ANOTHER double axe handle and once more, Beef catches him and throws him with a belly to belly suplex.
SD: It's an old truth. If you can't do a lot. At least do one thing well. And apparently, Beef is the WCWA equivalent of Scott Steiner with those belly to bellies.
BJ: That he does too many of them?
SD: Something like that, yes...
Jannetty rolls to the outside, seemingly trying to gather his thoughts momentarily. Beef begins to stomp his feet. He yells to the crowd, asking them if they want to see a dive. Jannetty seems to hear this as well, ducking down and preparing himself for Beef on the outside. The crowd responds unanimously that they do, in fact, want to see a dive. Beef motions to referee Ollie Tharp to do a dive. Ollie protests. During this brief argument, Jannetty slides back into the ring.
SD: See, there’s our chicanery.
BJ: Will you put the popcorn down?
SD: (crunching) What? I’m hungry. It’s a long show!
Beef tells Jannetty to do a dive, motioning with his arms for a flipping move. Jannetty won’t do it. Beef pokes Jannetty in the eyes. Beef points afar and the referee looks that direction and Beef kicks Jannetty between the legs. Jannetty crumbles to the mat, Ollie turning back and asking Beef what happened. Beef says that Jannetty fell.
SD: Now what I don’t get is here is how that moves affects him.
BJ: What do you mean?
SD: Well, it’s fairly apparently to pretty much everyone here that Jannetty has no nuts. How does that affect him?
BJ: I don’t know. Kick to the tailbone?
SD: Or the vagina.
BJ: Oh, lovely
Beef on the attack now, locking on a headlock on Jannetty. Jannetty bites Beef’s arm. Beef backs off to the corner. Ollie asks Beef what happened and Beef says that Jannetty bit him, giving a visual along with it, nearly biting the referee. Jannetty denies the bite. Ollie calls for them to start fighting again. Jannetty bum rushes Beef, and Beef tosses him right over the top rope.
SD: Is there a doctor in the house?
BJ: Why?
SD: He bit him. And I am pretty sure rabies is contagious.
BJ: I had to ask.
Ollie begins the count on Jannetty, Jannetty slow back to his feet on the outside. Beef climbs the ropes on the inside, climbing up and over the top rope, to the second rope facing outside. Jannetty is slow back to his feet, ass sticking out. Beef shrugs a bit then dives off, nailing Jannetty right in the ass off the second rope to the outside with a crazy ass punch. Jannetty goes down, holding his ass in agony. The crowd begins to chant unanimously “HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!!”
BJ: That move is over.
SD: (over the “Holy Shit” chant) All this for an ass punch?
BJ: It was a dive with ass punch. Big difference.
Beef scoops up Jannetty and rolls him back into the ring. Beef slides in himself and pulls Jannetty up to a vertical with a front face lock. Jannetty is fighting it, Beef switches to a waist lock, then lifts Jannetty up, throwing him to the mat with a side suplex.
BJ: And the Dino Bravo side suplex connect.
SD: Man, were you even around for Dino Bravo?
BJ: I have seen it.
SD: Still. That is a reference even our fan base won’t get.
BJ: What fan base?
SD: Beside the point
Beef goes after Jannetty, Jannetty rolling to his stomach. Beef steps over Jannetty, scooping Jannetty’s arms up. Beef takes a moment to announce exactly what he’s going to do.
BW: I’m going to break his fucking back, then fuck his ass!
SD: I told you that was going to happen.
BJ: All this and a Death Match. It is a night of the hardcore.
Beef is about to lock in the camel clutch, but has taken too much time for comedy relief, and Jannetty is able to flip him off, pinning Beef’s shoulders to the mat with a Gedo Clutch. Referee Ollie Tharp gets into position for an unexpected pin attempt, 1.… Beef kicks out.
SD: HOLY SHIT!
BJ: Why the yelling?
SD: JANNETTY GOT A NEARFALL! THAT NEVER HAPPENS!
BJ: But is it scream worthy?
SD: Well, maybe not. For him, it would be.
Jannetty back to his feet, Beef meets him there. Beef goes for a clothesline, but Jannetty ducks it. Jannetty goes for a basement drop kick, but Beef is able to side step, immediately going for an elbow drop, which Jannetty rolls out of the way from. Jannetty up to his feet and he goes for an elbow drop of his own, but Beef rolls slightly to the side and scoots up to his feet. Jannetty gets up as well and the crowd claps for the indy stand off.
SD: I think they agreed backstage to show Cornette they weren’t a joke.
BJ: But they are. And all the fans know it.
SD: Well, they aren’t wrestling like it.
Jannetty looks around for a moment as the crowd’s clapping subsides. Beef stomps on his foot. Jannetty lifts his stomped foot up and grabs it. Beef easily takes him down with a leg trip on the one grounded leg still. Beef goes after Jannetty, but catches a kick right to the face
SD: I can’t believe I am saying this, but I think this has had more actual wrestling then the ladder match did.
BJ: Well, that’s because that was a train wreck. These two are working an actual mat-based match.
SD: Which is going to piss off everyone who sees this expecting the funny business.
BJ: Tradition be damned, Shane.
SD: Don’t I know it..
Jannetty gets up. Beef is a bit woozily from the kick to the face. Jannetty runs from behind him. He’s going for a bulldog. Beef sees him and simply steps out of the way, Jannetty doing a giant sit down dive and hitting nothing. Beef steps in and kicks him violently to the spine with a Dragon kick.
SD: Spinal tap.
BJ: Dragon kick.
SD: Un-fucking necessary.
BJ: Call it what you want, it hurts.
Beef is seeming to get a bit frustrated. He grabs Jannetty up with a front face lock. Once Jannetty is back to his feet, Beef grabs Jannetty’s tights, flipping him up and over with a Fisherman’s suplex with a bridge, pinning Jannetty’s shoulders to the mat. Referee Ollie Tharp counts, 1.……2.……. Kick out at a long two from Jannetty.
BJ: Two guys, a girl, and a pizza plex. The extra cheesy remix.
SD: That is retarded.
BJ: It’s Beef.
SD: Point taken.
Beef back to his feet, claiming Jannetty pulled his hair. In the mean time, Jannetty has reached into his tights for something. Beef back to Jannetty with some stomps before pulling him up to his feet. Jannetty nails Beef right in the forehead with a sucker punch, quickly stuffing a chain back into his tights, right in front of the camera but in the blind spot of Referee Ollie.
BJ: Oh, how does Ollie not see that?
SD: Blind referee syndrome?
BJ: That’s real?
SD: Well, if it’s not, it should be.
Jannetty with a cover, hooking the leg deeply. So deeply, in fact, that he hooks the tights. Referee Ollie into position for the count 1... Jannetty puts his feet up on the second rope, 2...3!?!
BJ: That looked awfully fast from my angle.
SD: And Jannetty uses every dirty tactic in the book to win the TV title.
BJ: How much do you think he paid Ollie to quick count Beef?
SD: Maybe that’s why he weighed in at one kilo instead of two tonight…
BJ: I had to ask…
The crowd absolutely cannot believe it. Ollie’s hand struck the mat a third time. Ollie calls for the bell. The crowd in a stunned silence. Mel Phillips hands in the Television title, then with a bit of confusion makes the announcement.
MP: Your winner.. Of this match.. And new.. WCWA Television champion… Marty Jannetty…?
Ollie hands the title to Jannetty, who quickly scrambles out of the ring with the title in hand, the chain he cracked Beef with still dangling from the waistband of his tights.
BJ: What a bastard! What a damn bastard!
SD: Language! This is a god damn family fucking show!
BJ: And for irony sake.. We send it to Joel Gertner..
Beef is still out in the center of the ring, not moving at all. Ring attendants rush to the ring to assist the now former WCWA Television champion. Cut backstage to Joel Gertner. Joel is standing by a WCWA HURT back drop, a matching microphone in his hand. Standing next to him is the Hardcore Evil Ninja #2.
JG: Well, well, well, if it isn’t I, the Quintessential Stud Muffin, Joel “Ninjas are from Japan.. All their women are looking for a good man.. But when they find Joel, they scream “OI CHEE DANGAN!!” Gertner.. And I am here with the Hardcore Evil Ninja #2. Ninja #2.. Tonight, you’re in with two of the flippiest guys around.. The WCWA World Junior Heavyweight champion Jack Evans and the debuting Ricochet, both who break the gravity barrier.. How are you going to combat these two zero-g superstars?
Ninja looks at Joel, the only exposed part of his face, his eyes, looking more evil than normal. He then walks away from the interview area without saying a word.
Cut to a pre taped vignette. The screen fills with random digits between zero and nine. The numbers are falling from the top of the screen, but they slowly start to change, from random numbers to mostly ones and zeros. Through these numbers, an image can be seen. It’s Eddie Kingston from the second King of the Death Matches tournament and he’s bleeding badly, but this image quickly cuts to Kingston celebrating a win. This image cuts to The Messiah on the burning cross, but cuts quickly to him pinning Lance Storm on Synthetic, then splices to him getting his hand raised. Finally it comes to Chris Hero standing ominously. The words “Trial and Error” appear as the numbers disappear. A WCWA logo fades in above the words, then below the words “coming soon on Pay Per View” appear as we cut away.
Now, we cut backstage once more, to Jimmy Jacobs. Jacobs is standing in a darkened room, the only light in the room coming from a dimmed lamp in the corner, sitting on the only furniture in the room, a dusty table. Jacobs is wearing torn jeans and a leather trench coat, the lovely Lacey sitting at his feet in a leather skirt/top, with stockings over her entire legs and arms. Her mascara is extremely smeared, as well.
JJ: You said you wanted a revolution. You said you wanted something new, fresh.. Revolutionary. And when you got Jimmy Jacobs, you cried foul. You cried that it wasn’t what you expected, wasn’t what you bargained for. You expected the mundane and the average, but you ended up with the super human planted in your lap. You wanted hardcore violence, blood and guts.. Women being hung from buildings.. But when Jimmy Jacobs pulls a sword.. It’s too far.. This is exactly what I knew would happen. This socialist nation does not know what they want. They want everything.. And they want nothing. They want the world to be hardcore, brash, and uncensored, but in a way that their children can also watch. And they want change.. Jimmy Jacobs will bring change.. But once the change has occurred.. You may not like it.. And it’ll be too late to stop it.. Like what you see…? Stay tuned.. It’s about to get VERY interesting..
As the camera fades to black, an ear piercing scream is heard, suspect Lacey.
Cut to an unknown backstage area, where Chris Hero stands alone. He’s already in his ring gear, a track suit jacket over his upper body, the sleeves rolled up as he tapes up his hands.
CH: I’ve heard the claims.. That this is Eddie Kingston’s night.. That this is Messiah’s destiny.. The fact of the matter is, this is Chris Hero’s time. This has been Chris Hero’s time ever sense I entered this God forsaken company almost a year ago. In that time, I’ve seen one retarded thing after another.. I watched as Spanky made an absolute mockery of the World Heavyweight title.. Then left before he could be told to drop it cleanly.. I wish him the best in all his future endeavors.. Because you see, with that class clown freshman exiting.. It opened up the opportunity.. It opened up the gate.. For your hero, my hero.. Chris Hero.. To ascend to the throne of World Championship Wrestling Alliance.. When the Heavyweight title tournament was announced.. I knew this was my time to shine.. That’s why I VOLUNTEERED to face the Butcher in round one.. Because I knew, like all the others knew.. That this was Chris Hero’s tournament to win.. And now, as Chris Hero prepares for the World Heavyweight title match.. Where is the Necro Butcher? Not even on the PPV.. He’s in the pre-show.. That just goes to show you how Chris Hero compares to the Necro Butcher. Butcher, Sabu, Lance Storm.. None of them have spots on the PPV.. Because they all came up short.. And that’s one thing that tonight, Chris Hero will not be doing..
The camera cuts back to ringside, the fifteen foot high solid steel cage now in place, ring attendants putting the final touches on securing the enclosure. A graphic appears on the screen as “Hurt“ by Johnny Cash begins to play once more, Brain Damage on one side, Joker on the other. Below them are the words “Steel Cage Match”
BJ: Looks like we’re setting up for Delirious versus Chuck Taylor..
SD: Cage.. Cage match.. Damage-Joker..
BJ: Sorry.. Format sheets are impossible to read..
SD (ignoring) Here we go Benjo. Steel cage warfare. Brain Damage versus Joker.. Damage has went on a one man crime spree through all of WCWA, putting the hurt, pun intended, to Joker’s comrades in the BLK Out, even giving Allison Danger a vicious package pile driver through a table..
BJ: Benjo? Didn’t I tell you that wouldn’t stick?
SD: The hell you say.
Cut to Mel Phillips, standing outside of the steel cage with a microphone in hand.
MP: The following match is a special grudge match and it will be fought inside the fifteen foot high steel cage!!
The crowd cheers for the barbarianisms that are sure to follow.
MP: During this match, managers Joey Eastman and Allison Danger will be handcuffed together to prevent outside interference. The only way to win this match will be escape from the cage, either over the top of the cage with both feet touching the arena floor, or through the door.
“I’m a Hustla” by Cassidy feat. Jay-Z begins to play over the P/A system, but fades into “No Mas Control” by Roadrunner United following the introduction. With this, Allison Danger makes her way out onto the stage, shortly behind her, Joker, his face painted in possibly the most demonic clown make up imaginable, the color scheme being nothing but red and white..
BJ: Who do you think hates this more? Eastman or Allison.
SD: Definitely Allison.
BJ: How do you figure?
SD: Well, we know Allison likes girls. We assume Eastman does as well.
BJ: I wouldn't be so sure...
MP: First, making his way to the ring, being accompanied by “The Queen of Green” Allison Danger, from Chocolate City, weighing in at an even two hundred pounds, he is “The Cambodian Ax Murderer” this is JOKER!
Joker makes his way to the ring, sliding right up the steps and into the cage. He bounces off the ropes hard, seemingly ignoring that the cage is there and is raking his back every time he hits the ropes. Joker’s pre-match sprint comes to a close and the lights dim. "Bleed For Me" by Black Label Society hits over the P/A system and the crowd lets out a spattering of boos. This spattering of boos is turned to a SHOWER when Joey Eastman steps through the curtain, Brain Damage stomping behind him.
MP: And his opponent, being accompanied to the ring by “Absolutely Tan” Joey Eastman.. From Last Chance, Texas. Weighing in tonight at two hundred and fifty one pounds.. He is the “Hardcore Terminator” this is BRAIN DAMAGE!!
Damage down the ramp quickly and right into the cage, ambushing Joker before the lights even come back. The bell sounds and this match is under way. Two referees on the outside, senior referee Jason Verdoes for the action, referee PJ Drummond for Eastman and Danger. Drummond fiddles with the handcuffs provided for him by WCWA, struggling to get one cuff opened for Joey Eastman’s wrist.
BJ: Somehow, I doubt this is the first time PJ Drummond has put Joey Eastman in handcuffs..
SD: That’s so gay..
BJ: Glad you see the problem..
Eastman is cuffed to nothing on the outside as Damage and Joker slug away at each other on the inside. Eastman goes to the cage and begins to rattle it, trying to distract Joker. PJ pulls Eastman by the cuffs back to him, slapping the remaining cuff on the wrist of Allison Danger. Neither Eastman or Danger seem real happy about being cuffed together, as Damage and Joker continue to trade blows on the inside.
BJ: So, how long until either Eastman or Danger decks the other?
SD: Are we betting?
BJ: Well, closest to the pin. Or the time, in this case.
SD: I'll take six minutes.
BJ: Put me down for nine.
SD: Five?
BJ: You're on.
Damage grabs Joker by the head and forces his face right into the fencing of the cage. Joker’s face paint peels off on the cage, leaving bits of paint behind. Joker elbows Damage in the gut and forces his face into the cage. Damage is split wide open from his contact with the cage.
BJ: And three minutes into the match, Damage is busted wide open.
SD: I'd make a joke, but we aren't allowed to mention the guy.
BJ: Has that ever stopped you before?
SD: Well, no. But we have sponsors now, so I actually do get paid
Damage a bit weary, stumbling back to the center of the ring. Joker comes in for several punches to the open wound, staining his own knuckle tape with Damage’s blood. Joker grabs Damage by the head and tries to whip him into the cage, but Damage puts on the breaks. With a ton of force, Damage reverses the whip, sending Joker sailing face first into the cage. Joker goes right over the top rope, getting stuck between the ropes and the cage, sliding down the metal grating before sliding out under the bottom rope and back into the ring.
SD: FUCK! That must be the industrial strength fencing!
BJ: A 280 pound man just hit steel, and the cage went nowhere!
SD: Sucks to be Joker about now, eh Ben?
BJ: Eh? You're Canadian?
SD: I miss Styles.
BJ: He's Italian.
SD: Kloss?
BJ: Moron.
Joker stumbles back to his feet. Damage comes in and goes for the knockout punch, but Joker ducks it and showers Damage in blows to the body. Damage clubs down on Joker with a downward punch. Joker fires back on Damage, sending blood spatters from Damage everywhere with each shot.
SD: Ladies and gentleman, let the ass whopping commence.
BJ: I think it already has.
SD: Well, then we’re officially starting it.
BJ: Folks, this is going to get ugly in a hurry.
Damage stumbles backwards, going all the way into the corner. Joker puts the boots to Damage in the corner, getting him down to a seated position in the corner. Joker backs up a bit and comes diving into the corner with a cannonball senton, squishing Damage in the corner and grinding his face right into the side of the cage with disgusting force.
BJ: Squish!
SD: That shit ain’t right!
BJ: Cambodian cannonball, and the already bloodied face of Brain Damage meets the steel again!
Joker back to his feet, Damage’s blood all over his back. Joker starts out of the cage over the top, but Damage is right back up, grabbing Joker by the waist band of his shorts and jerking him right back down to the mat. Joker hits the mat hard, his head bouncing like a basketball upon impact.
SD: That may be the most disgusting twist on the flapjack I have ever seen
BJ: Not really a flapjack. More of a show of strength, as Damage just pulled Joker off the cage to the mat with sickening force.
SD: You see his head? It bounced! (Silence) Well?
BJ: Waiting for the joke.
SD: There is nothing funny about this, Ben.
Damage mounts Joker, going for the ground and pound, but Joker jabs him right in the eye with a thumb. Damage grabs his own eye, not pounding on Joker, but not getting off of him either. Joker reaches up and grabs at the bottom of Damage’s mouth. He pulls Damage’s mouth open, Damage trying his best to fight him off or bite him. With Damage’s mouth WIDE open, Joker socks Damage in the top of the right side of his face, shaking his jaw brutally.
SD: That was fucking depraved!
BJ: He just tried to break his goddamn jaw, Shane!
SD: Fans, you know I love to goof around here. There is nothing funny about this. There may be an actual murder in that ring tonight
BJ: I hope our medical expenses are caught up.
SD: Will you shut the hell up??
Damage slides off of Joker, his jaw out of whack. He’s bent over, holding his mouth in agony. Joker gets back to his feet and runs up, punting Damage right in the face like a football, kicking with such a high kick that he himself lands on his back flat on the mat, Damage going down from the force of the kick.
BJ: And the field goal kick by Joker lands both men on the mat.
SD: Think about this Ben. How hard do you have to kick someone to fall yourself?
BJ: I don’t want to know. Nor do I want to find out.
Joker gets to his feet and he calls for the door to be open. Referee Jason Verdoes down as asked and opens the door. Joker starts towards the door, but Damage catches him, stopping him from escaping through the door. Verdoes shuts the door as Damage throws Joker with a belly to back suplex.
BJ: If I kicked someone as hard as Joker kicked Damage, and that person got up that quickly, I will seriously reconsider my career choice.
SD: To be fair, you hit like a girl. They’d probably get right back up.
BJ: You get the point, Shane.
SD: Yes, I do. And I think Joker’s about to get a point made
Damage mounts Joker again, this time slugging him several times right to the face with the ground and pound. Damage goes to the door, Joey Eastman “assisting” referee Jason Verdoes in pulling the door wide open for Damage. PJ Drummond and Verdoes are both trying to get the door away from Eastman as Damage is exiting. Allison Danger does a straight back fall, pulling Joey Eastman down too and effectively slamming the cage door right in Damage’s bloodied face.
SD: Quick thinking by Allison!
BJ: And Damage eats steel thanks to Eastman!
SD: How thanks to Eastman?
BJ: Well, if Joey was in the way, Allison couldn’t have fallen and taken him out!
SD: Well, there is that. Yes.
Damage stumbles to the center of the ring, Joker gets under him, hooking him up in an electric chair position. He grabs Damage’s arm and brings him down to the mat, violently spiking his head into the mat with the Joker Driver!!
SD: WHAT THE SAM FUCKING HELL WAS THAT SHIT?!
BJ: Electric Chair Driver! In some circles, it’s known as the Rubix Cube, but Joker calls it the Joker Driver.
SD: I call it, lights out Brain Damage. You see the angle his neck hit at?
Joker holds it in a pin attempt, but realizes he cannot win the mat this way. Joker goes to the door and starts out, but Damage catches him. Damage rams Joker’s head right into the steel frame of the cage door, Joker crumbling over the middle rope. Damage grabs the top of the cage door, pulling it in to him enough that he can grip the steel mesh. From there, he pulls the door back as fast as he can, violently smashing Joker’s head and shoulders in the cage.
SD: And to think, this isn’t even the death match title match!
BJ: Which is next.
SD: No, it isn’t.
BJ: Son of a BITCH! Can I get a readable piece of paper here?
The side of Joker’s head is now split open from the slamming mesh. Damage on the attack on the wound, punching it several times to split it further than it already was open. Joker fights back with a slap. A second slap from Joker. He spins, going for the back fist, but Damage ducks it. Joker turns around and Damage slugs him right between the eyes.
BJ: Knockout punch!
SD: Also known as the “You Die Now!”
BJ: Huh?
SD: Nevermind.
Joker is down and out on the mat. Damage starts out the door. Allison Danger is doing her very best to get to the door to stop him, but Joey Eastman has her firmly trapped with the cuffs. Allison reaches into the pocket of her skirt, pulling out a can of mace and liberally coating Eastman’s face in the spray. Damage starts out the cage, but Danger gives him some spray too, before slamming the cage door in his face.
BJ: Well, combined we were right.
SD: Huh?
BJ: You said six. I said nine. It actually happened 15 in.
SD: Does no one win?
BJ: Oh, you owe me five dollars, Shane.
SD: Pay you when Heyman pays me.
BJ: (groan)
Damage is blinded, Joker slowly getting to his feet, still woozily. Eastman falls down, scrambling to find something to rinse the mace from his eyes. In falling down, he pulls Allison Danger’s head right into the cage, her forehead hitting the hardest right into a support pole on the cage. Both managers are effectively incapacitated at ringside.
BJ: I think Eastman just killed Danger.
SD: Allison head first into the pole.
BJ: Rimshot
SD: And to think, I wasn't going to go there
Joker is up, but still dazed. Damage is up, but blinded and in the wrong corner. Damage holding on to the cage for a guidance. Joker comes running at him, delivering a sick Liger drop kick, sandwiching Damage’s head between the force of his feet and the steel cage.
BJ: Joshi dropkick from Joker..
SD: I am so telling Joker you called him a Japanese girl..
BJ: Uhh, uhh.. Shades of Jushin “Thunder” Liger?
SD: Too late.
Joker up. He’s crawling towards the cage. Damage is out and would have no idea where he was even if he wasn’t. Eastman is down on the floor crying like a baby. Joker calls for the door to be opened. He’s halfway out the cage.. But the door slams shut hard on Joker’s head! Through the crowd has come Lance Storm, and he’s slammed the cage door right on Joker’s face.
BJ: Lance Storm!
SD: What the hell is Lance doing?
BJ: Well, remember Lance did say he was going to make an impact tonight.
SD: And me thinking that meant he was going to watch Justin Credible tapes. Silly me.
BJ: (groan)
Lance knocks referee Jason Verdoes out of the way and enters the cage. Immediately, he starts putting the boots to Joker, kicking him hard with his patented leather shoe. Damage is up to his feet, still blinded slightly. Storm grabs a hold of Damage and guides him to the door like a blind man, every few seconds taking time to kick Joker back down.
SD: Why is he doing this though?
BJ: Why are you asking me?
SD: I figured you might know.
BJ: Well, you figured wrong, pal.
Damage is about to escape the cage with the help of Lance Storm. Joker comes running at the pair, but Storm cuts him off with a decapitating super kick, Joker’s neck snapping violently backwards from the kick before he crumbles to the mat. Storm leads Damage out of the cage down and to the floor. Reluctantly, referee Jason Verdoes calls for the bell.
BJ: That is bull shit.
SD: Say what?
BJ: You heard me, Shane. A good hard hitting match ruined by that pompous Canadian ass.
SD: I think you need to look at the bigger picture. Is this a one time thing, or has Lance Storm joined Joey Eastman Worldwide?
Mel Phillips makes the announcement official as “Bleed for Me” by Black Label Society hits.
MP: Your winner of this match.. Brain DAMAGE!
Storm to the outside, quickly grabbing several bottles of water from the commentator’s table to rinse out Eastman and Damage’s eyes, PJ Drummond making quick work of the handcuffs to unhook Eastman from Danger..
BJ: Hey! They took my water!
SD: Shut up and eat your delicious Quizno’s sub. Quizno’s gave you the water for free anyways. Quizno’s, the official sub sponsor of WCWA.
BJ: That was the most shill-tastic thing I’ve ever heard..
SD: Quit your bitching, they took mine too. Quizno’s boy, more water!
Eastman liberally pours the water into his face, drowning himself in Ben’s refreshment. Damage applies a little bit and shakes off the pain. Standing between Eastman and Damage, Storm raises their hands in victory.
BJ: This cage match was supposed to prevent outside interference but dammit, that JEW rat Joey Eastman still pulled one over!
SD: That’s incredibly racist..
BJ: Joey Eastman Worldwide..
SD: Still racist.
Cut back to ringside. Joker lays in the center of the ring a bloodied mess, Danger on the outside leaking a bit of color as well. Cut back to the isle way, where Joey Eastman Worldwide and Lance Storm celebrate, Eastman and Damage being joined by Darin Corbin and Ryan Cruz.
BJ (sounding disgusted): Let’s send it backstage to Joel Gertner..
Cut backstage to Joel Gertner, standing near a WCWA HURT backdrop.
JG: Joel "When I was but a wee lad, my teacher asked me to write a haiku. I looked her in the eye and said "too bad", then whipped out my Meng" Gertner and I am here with the reigning and defending WCWA Death Match champion, JC Bailey. JC, in a few minutes, you will be defending the WCWA Death Match title in a barbed wire nets match.. Any thoughts?
JC: I’ve beat Drake Younger in a Barefoot Thumbtacks match, I’ve beat him every time we’ve faced.. Tonight, it’s the final match. Tonight, there will be no rematches. Win, lose, draw.. This is it Joel.
Cut away from the interview area to a pre taped vignette. It appears to be filmed in a corn field. In the deep background behind a field of corn is a silo, standing next to a barn. Onto the screen pops a goofy face, an afro looking very out of place on his white body, a flannel shirt completing the confusing look. The name badge attached to the shirt says “Danny Havoc”.
DH: Hi, I’m Danny Havoc. This is my home town, the unrecognized hardcore capital of the world, Cylinder, Iowa. I’m not entirely sure why it is unrecognized, or how I would go about getting the recognition it deserves, but I get the feeling it involves a lot of self mutilation and doing horrible things to my body in front of a national audience. So that’s exactly what I intend to do. WCWA, prepare yourselves, cause I’m bringing the havoc. No, crap, that’s terrible. Can we try that again? No? What do you mean no, this is my vignette! Live? Who does a live vignette? Crap..
The shot fades to black, white words of “Danny Havoc: Coming Soon” as “What a Waster” by the Libertines plays in the background.
Back in the arena, the cage has been lifted back high above the ring.
BJ: Up next, the WCWA World Heavyweight title match..
SD: Reading the format sheet wrong again, Ben..
BJ: Son of a bitch.. Need a rocket scientist to figure this thing out..
A graphic appears on the screen. Ricochet is on one side, the Hardcore Evil Ninja #2 on the other, Jack Evans in the center holding up the Junior Heavyweight title. Below the three men are the words “WCWA Junior Heavyweight title match” and “Ménage Et Trois First Round Match”. While this graphic is on the screen, “Hurt” by Johnny Cash plays over the P/A system and for the home audience.
BJ: Folks, prepare yourself.. Strap on your seat belts.. This one is going to be a high flying war for the Junior Heavyweight title.
SD: Are you just going by whatever the pictures say at this point?
BJ (seeming sad): Yeah.. It’s all I know!!
SD: *sighs*
Cut to Mel Phillips standing in the center of the ring, a microphone in hand.
MP: The following match is scheduled for one fall. It is a first round Ménage Et Trois tournament match.. And it IS for the WCWA World Junior Heavyweight title!
“Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince begins to play and WCWA audiences get their first look at Ricochet, a skinny black-ish kid with shoulder length poofy hair. Ricochet seems to be full of energy as he darts down the entrance ramp, giving anyone a high five who wants one.
MP: First, from St. Louis, Missouri, weighing in tonight at one hundred and seventy pounds.. This is RICOCHET!!
Ricochet slides into the ring as his music cuts off. He seems slightly disappointed.
SD: Can I ask who the queer in the back is that let Ricochet come out to Prince?
BJ: Are you calling Prince gay?
SD: No. Just people that like him.
Replacing his theme is “L’Age de la Biere” by Mon’onc Serge, the theme of the Hardcore Evil Ninja #2. Carrying a kendo stick with him, Ninja #2 makes his way through the curtain.
MP: From Fabertown, Japan, weighing in tonight at one hundred and seventy six pounds, he is the Hardcore Evil Ninja Number TWO!!
Ninja swings his stick around, nearly fumbling it as he walks down the entrance way.
SD: Not too ninja like there, nearly dropping the stick..
BJ: He can't have his focus on that. He's got a title match.
SD: Still. Most people who rather lose a toe then drop their stick.
Ninja to ringside, casually throwing the kendo stick into the ring over the top rope. He slides into the ring, going to the top rope and flipping off, landing on his feet after the flip.
BJ: Your Ninja has mad hops, Shane.
SD: Never say “mad hops” again. You’re white. Besides, he’s not my ninja.
BJ: You ever recall Ninja doing that before?
SD: He shows off new tricks for the big shows, Ben. You should do the same..
BJ: This is my first show!
SD: And you're already resting on your laurels.
Ninja’s music cuts off and is replaced by “Bully” by Eminem. Through the curtain comes “Primo” Robby Mireno, leading Jack Evans down. Evans dances down the isle way, wearing the WCWA World Junior Heavyweight title like a really exaggerate necklace.
MP: And finally, being accompanied to the ring by “The Frank Sinatra of Professional Wrestling, Primo” Robby Mireno, from P-Town, Washington, weighing in tonight at one hundred and sixty five pounds, he is “The B-Rabbit of Finding Weed and Grabbin It, the Tito Santana of Santeria, and the next Brian Pillman” he is “The Prince of Parkland” and the reigning and defending WCWA World Junior Heavyweight Champion.. Jack EVANS!
SD: I was really starting to wonder if Mel was gonna slip another nickname in there for Evans..
BJ: Don’t tempt him..
A microphone at ringside picks up Evans.
JE: And you know this, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!
Evans into the ring, handing the Junior Heavyweight title to referee Derek Sabato. Sabato raises the title high above his head for all to see as Evans hands off his jewelry to Robby Mireno. Mireno starts to walk away, but Evans stops him to hand off his cell phone as well.
BJ: Why does he have a cell phone?
SD: 'Cuz bitches get itches that they want daddy mac Jack to scratch?
BJ: Never do that again.
SD: Could be that's he's getting ready to give Harry in Ohio an AT&T shout-out.
BJ: It's like you two planned this...
SD: AT&T. The official phone company of WCWA.
Bell sounds and this World Junior Heavyweight title Ménage Et Trois match is under way. The youngest man in the match, Ricochet, calls for a lock up. Evans locks his left hand with Ricochet’s right. Ninja just stands back and watches them. The two get the hint that Ninja isn’t going to lock up, and lock their other hands together.
BJ: Not real Ninja like either.
SD: Yes it was. Stealth, my friend. Attack only when you have to. Why wear yourself down when it has no meaning?
BJ: But it's not elimination rules.
SD: And if he's not entangled, he can break falls up. Think, Ben.
Test of strength, Evans easily over powering the much smaller Ricochet and taking him to the mat. Referee Derek Sabato slides into position. Count of 1.…2.… The Hardcore Evil Ninja breaks it up at two with a standing shooting star press.
BJ: Ever see him do that before?
SD: Not that I can recall. But even if he did, it's not like The Guppy or that other retarded fuck from IWS would've called it properly anyway.
BJ: I've seen their shows. I know what you mean.
Evans up, wondering when exactly Ninja got all flippy. Evans pushes Ninja. Ninja pushes him back, pushing him right into a table topping from Ricochet, suspected or otherwise. Ricochet still on all fours. Ninja steps up onto his back and turns around, nailing a slightly elevated moonsault onto the Junior Heavyweight champion.
SD: All right. What gives?
BJ: How so?
SD: Now there is breaking out new moves, and there is breaking character. "The One Man War" Arsenal is going to pound people, JC Bailey brings the smashy, and Jack Evans the flippy. Not Ninja!
BJ: Did Arsenal pay you to name drop him here?
SD: So what if he did?
BJ: Sheesh.. Maybe he’s sharing that stuff in the gym bag too..
SD: No he’s not. If I was high, you’d know it.
Ninja with a pin attempt on Evans, but Ricochet breaks it up with a simple forearm. Hardcore Evil Ninja gets back to his feet and Ricochet nails him, doing a full moonsault in order to kick Ninja. Ninja stumbles backwards, walking right into a reverse hurricanrana from Jack Evans.
SD: And order is restored.
BJ: How? A guy just got dropped on his head!
SD: Yes, but by a flippy Jack Evans. Hence, normality.
Evans and Ricochet are left standing. Ricochet comes running at Evans, Evans catches him from the cross body. Ricochet spins it over, going for a tornado DDT, but Evans plants his feet back to the mat. Northern lights suplex attempt from Evans, but Ricochet lands it on his feet.
SD: Wait, did he just front flip out of a Northern Lights attempt?
BJ: It appears so.
SD: Man, that gravity forgot him!
Ricochet turns it back over with a hip roll, but Evans tries to suplex him again. This time, Evans is able to suplex Ricochet, but Ricochet scrambles right back to his feet. Ricochet comes running at Evans, Evans tosses Ricochet with a hip toss, but Ricochet grabs the arm on the way over, throwing Jack Evans with a Mexican arm drag.
SD: Drink!
BJ: This isn't lucha, Shane.
SD: Doesn't have to be. My Quizno's water ran out! Drink, water boy! Drink!
BJ: We have sold our sells.
SD: For delicious Quizno's subs...I know. Sad right?
BJ: Maybe. But delicious.
SD: Just be glad I haven't tried to get the Trojan's spot in there yet..
BJ: There’s a Trojan’s spot?
SD: Several, but we only use one.
Ninja is back to his feet. He goes after Ricochet, but Ricochet catches him in a side headlock. Ninja wiggles free from the headlock, but he leaves his cloth mask behind. Ricochet seems a bit confused, as select members of the crowd cheer. Standing now is an unmasked Hardcore Evil Ninja, not looking a bit Asian. The Ninja lets out a smile, his teeth covered with a black mouth piece that says “PAC”.
SD: I think we have an explaination for the flippdyness.
BJ: That can't be a word.
SD: It doesn't have to. That is the "Man that Gravity Forgot". You think Jack can fly. You haven't seen anything yet!
Pac makes quick work of the typical ninja gi, peeling the belt and top off and throwing it to the outside. Evans gets back to his feet and seems confused as to where Pac came from. As the two are bantering, Ricochet comes cart wheeling in. He goes for a handspring elbow, but both men move out of the way and Ricochet splats back down.
SD: Thus, too flippidy.
BJ: Enough of the flippidy!
SD: But it is. Very much so.
BJ: Still. We get they can flip, they can flop, they can flip-flop.
SD: You're the next contestant on...
BJ: Knock that shit off.
SD: Why?
BJ: Because HBO isn't involved with CBS.
Evans looks at back, then does a standing moonsault, dropkicking Pac and moonsaulting onto Ricochet. Pac, not one to be out staged, goes to the ropes and goes for a lion sault, nailing a double forearm smash onto Ricochet from the moonsault.
SD: Man, I hope we cleared this with air traffic control.
BJ: I think I heard King use that joke before.
SD: And like that, I hate you.
BJ: Sorry.
SD: Too late.
Evans does a simple elbow smash onto Pac, much to the crowd’s boos. Evans gets up, a bit confused about the boos. Pac gets up and tries to dropkick Evans, but Evans jumps up. Pac lands flat on his face, then Evans lands down from his dive up in a seated position, giving Pac modified butt bump.
SD: That may be the most perverted twist on the whoopie cushion I have ever seen.
BJ: Did you just reference Doink?
SD: And if I did?
BJ: I don't think Doink has cared about Doink recently.
SD: And like that, we've said his name three times in 30 seconds.
Ricochet is back to his feet, but he’s obviously hurting. Ricochet pulls Pac up and nails an Unprettier on him rather quickly, not necessarily focusing all the force needed on it. He gets up and is met with a kick to the mid section from Evans. Evans hooks Ricochet like he is going for a Vertebreaker, but Ricochet presses him up, over, and off. Ricochet nails a low blow, mule kick style, earning a warning from referee Derek Sabato.
BJ: Now, where have I seen that before?
SD: If you say his name, I will punch the dog shit out of you.
BJ: I can't say C.M. Punk?
SD: That's not who you were thinking, and you know it!
Ricochet points to the corner, saying he’s going up top. Pac up and he stops Ricochet at the corner, Ricochet facing out. Pac pulls Ricochet down, trapping him in a tree of woe. Pac goes to the opposite corner, then dives off, going for a coast to coast moonsault drop kick. He nearly hits it, but Ricochet is able to lift himself up and Pac takes the huge bump for nothing.
BJ: Moonsault van terminator MISSES.
SD: Man, is Nate Webb going to be pissed! That is his move.
BJ: And he didn't even make it onto the PPV. Not a good month for the "Spyder".
Evans gathers Pac up, dropping him with a reverse DDT. He follows up the reverse DDT with a double stomp, rolling right off of it into a senton. Ricochet is now back up top, Pac laying in the center of the ring. Ricochet looks around, then turns around up top. He does a moonsault, but gets a huge dive and rotation, doing TWO full flips in the air off the moonsault before crash landing on Pac.
BJ: DOUBLE GOD-DAMN MOONSAULT!
SD: Okay, even I have a flippidy limit. And that is past it.
BJ: How did he not land on his head?
SD: How would I know? I've never done one moonsault, let alone two at once.
The crowd is chanting in unison, “HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!!”. Very few fans are sitting following the huge double moonsault.
SD: That was the damnedest thing I have ever seen..
BJ: ……..
SD: Say something!
BJ: I’m speechless!
SD: Then say that! At least Kloss would scream for highspots..
Ricochet slowly back to his feet. Evans condescendingly applauds him, then kicks him in the already weakened gut. Evans grabs Ricochet in a pile driver like position, but dives all the way over him, putting his knees in the back of Ricochet, then flipping him over in a Canadian Destroyer like move, nailing him with a vicious lung blower off of the flip.
BJ: I don't know what he calls that, but damn!
SD: GOD DAMN SHIT AND TERRY FUNK!!!!
BJ: I don't think that's the official name, but I can ask.
SD: I believe that he calls that the Bling Breaker.
BJ: I think you heard wrong.
Pac is out of it, Ricochet’s entire torso is mutilated. Evans makes the cover on Ricochet. Referee Sabato into position, 1.…2.…3!
BJ: And Jack Evans has retained the belt.
SD: Somehow, someway...Evans' is the king of the flippidy's.
BJ: To Mel Phillips to make it official
The bell sounds, “Bully” by Eminem beginning to play over the loud speakers as Robby Mireno bum rushes into the ring with the Junior Heavyweight title in hand. Mel Phillips comes over the P/A system to make the announcement.
MP: Your winner of this match, advancing to the second round of the Ménage Et Trois tournament.. And STILL your WCWA World Junior Heavyweight champion.. “The Prince of Parkland” Jack EVANS!
Mireno hands Evans the World Junior Heavyweight title, the two celebrating their way out of the ring. The camera follows them out of the ring, before switching back to the ring, where Pac and Ricochet are both back to their feet, each hurting in their own ways. The crowd gives them both a standing ovation, before showering them in a multi-purpose “PLEASE COME BACK! PLEASE COME BACK!!” chant.
BJ: I think they want Ricochet and Pac to come back..
SD: Gee, what gave you THAT idea?? From now on, you’re the dean.
BJ: I think WCWA may have found two new junior heavyweights, Shane.
SD: And I am going to get a thesarus to find new ways to say "flippidy".
BJ: Be that as it is may, Chuckie T and Delirious is next.
SD: Look again.
BJ: What?
SD: JC-Drake.
BJ: Dammit!
Pac takes a bow before exiting out of the ring. Ricochet moves into the waiting arms of ring attendants as we cut backstage.
Cut to the interview area, where Arsenal and Chris Mordetsky stand alone, Arsenal holding the microphone.
Arsenal: Tonight, it was the first step to a championship conquest. Nous sommes fourni avec des forces, nous sommes fourni avec des esprits.
CM: And tonight, we scored our first of three points. You’re looking at the next WCWA World Tag Team champions.
Arsenal: Les garçons noirs, nous venons pour vous. L'or sera le nôtre. Aucun paris, c'est une promesse
As Arsenal finishes spitting this tirade in French, the Naptown Dragons, Diehard Dustin Lee and Scotty Vortekz approach the interview area. Diehard still has on his ring shorts, but a Naptown Dragons shirt on over his upper body. Scotty Vortekz is still covered in bandages from his war on Synthetic.
DDL: What makes you guys so sure you’re the dominant tag team in this federation? You’ve only got one point.. And just as easily as you earned that point, we can take it away..
Without saying a word, Chris Mordetsky bum rushes Diehard and clotheslines him to the ground. Vortekz tries to help him, but is easily taken down by Arsenal, who immediately peels off Vortekz’s shirt and then his bandages, ripping the wounds from Synthetic right back open. Arsenal gathers up Vortekz, then lifts him up, giving him a vicious suplex right onto the concrete. Security and arena workers rush in to separate the group, the damage already done from Mordetsky and Arsenal.
Arsenal: We are a peaceful group. We shall leave now. Il a fait des garçons d'ordures, vous avez scellé votre sort.
Before the camera fades out, Nate Webb can be seen in the background, waving to the camera. Then, we fade away from this scene.
Cut away to a pre-taped vignette. The entire screen is black and white, a grainy picture fading in and out. Finally, a long haired man appears on the picture, his entire body being the same black and white, except the logo on his shirt, a vivid red. The man looks to the sky and screams. The words “Tyler Black: Coming Soon” appear on the screen in bright red letters. Fade out.
Cut backstage to Joel Gertner, with Joey Eastman, surrounded by the Northstar Express, Brain Damage .
JG: Well, well..
JE: Well CAMERA MAN, ZOOOOOOOM! Gertner, I’ve got it from here. You see, Joey Eastman Worldwide did exactly what we said we were going to do. We took out the Cambodian Ax Murderer..
Eastman hands the microphone over to Lance Storm.
LS: And we made an impact.
Storm passes it to Darin Corbin.
DC: And we got eliminated from the Ménage Et Trois tournament! Wait..
Eastman casually takes the microphone back from Corbin.
JE: Remember these faces, WCWA dorks.. These men are your future of professional wrestling.. And by trial and error.. We will take over the world.. You are dismissed.
Cut back to ringside. The arena lights fall and a set of lights come on over the entrance way. Smoke begins to stem from the runway and up the ramp, leaving the entire arena in an eerie glow. “Black Republican” by Nas slowly leaks into the arena and Drake Younger starts out onto the ramp, Todd Gordon trailing shortly behind him. Drake and Gordon have a brief conference before making their way down the ramp.
MP: The following match is your LIGHT TUBES AND BARBED WIRE NETS DEATH MATCH for the WCWA DEATH MATCH CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!! Making his way to the ring now, being accompanied to the ring by his manager, Todd Gordon, representing the Kings of Wrestling, from Indianapolis, Indiana, weighing in tonight at one hundred and eighty pounds, he is the “Psycho Shooter” Drake YOUNGER!
Younger to ringside and he taps his hands with the hands of Todd Gordon before entering the ring, careful to avoid a light tube bundle as he slides into the ring. Younger makes a quick survey of the barbed wire net, held together by a metal rigging type contraption, similar to scaffolding without the stretch board.
BJ: Is that Todd Gordon?
SD: Yeah. He sleeps on Hero's sofa, and we were nice enough to give him a job.
BJ: Somehow, I doubt that's true.
SD: Maybe not, but it is funny.
The lights come to a quick dim. “Living Dead Girl” by Rob Zombie begins to play over the loud speakers and JC Bailey makes his way through the curtain, the WCWA Death Match championship draped over his shoulder carelessly, the once tightly wrapped barbed wire now dangling loosely from the championship medallion
MP: And his opponent, from Bardstown, Kentucky, weighing in tonight at one hundred and eighty nine pounds, he is the WCWA King of the Death Matches and the reigning WCWA Death Match champion.. He is “Too hardcore for a Gimmick” this is JC BAILEY!
For this brutal match, JC Bailey has for some odd reason neglected to tape his hands or wrists at all and enters the war shirtless. Bailey makes his way down the ramp and stops at ringside. Slowly JC rolls in under the bottom rope, handing the WCWA Death Match championship off to referee Bryce Remsburg, followed by his ear rings.
BJ: Fans, we’re approaching one of the biggest matches of JC’s career here. He is defending the belt against a man who wants to destroy the division.
SD: Tad hypocritical on Drake’s part, isn’t it?
BJ: As we’ve said before Shane, when in Rome…
SD: Try the pizza?
BJ: (sighs)
JC out of the ring, going over to the barbed wire net and grasping at a single strand of barbed wire, pulling back and seeing that the wire is in fact secure. JC Bailey into the ring and he climbs to the top rope, posing for the crowd for a moment as “Living Dead Girl” cuts off. JC Bailey off the top rope and a stare down with Drake Younger.
BJ: And it appears we’re ready for the bell.
SD: Wonder what gave you that idea?
BJ: Oh, call the match
Opening bell and a lock up. JC Bailey tries to take Drake down, but the taller, stronger, and heavier Younger over powers and sends JC Bailey into the corner. JC lands in the steel buckles hard and comes back out, holding his back in agony. Younger bends down and catches Bailey, scooping him up and snapping him down hard to the mat with a vicious spine buster. Drake on top of Bailey quickly for a pin attempt, hooking the far leg, but it’s only enough for one and a half says referee Bryce Remsburg.
SD: See, Drake planned this well. Stay on the attack, and get the win before any of the crap comes into play.
BJ: JC’s not someone you’re going to defeat within two minutes, though.
SD: Can you blame a guy for trying?
BJ: Well, maybe if he’d hooked the leg, man.
SD: Huh?
BJ: Never mind.
Drake lifts Bailey back to a vertical base. Rear waist lock from Younger on Bailey, Bailey counters out of it with the old Russian how-do-you-do kick to the lower nut sack region and Drake crumbles. Bailey right on top of Younger, sticking a thumb in the left eye and gouging away deeply. Remsburg tries to protest but is powerless.
BJ: Is Bryce really protesting an eye gouge?
SD: In a match with barbed wire, and light tubes...
BJ: Un-advertised light tubes. Thanks for purchasing the show, folks.
SD: Shill…he’s protesting an eye gouge
Younger fights Bailey off with punches to the mid section, working his way back to a vertical base. Bailey grabs Younger and whips him into the far ropes. Younger back towards Bailey and Bailey leapfrogs over him. Younger puts on the breaks and stops, grabbing Bailey with a rear waist lock. Standing switch from Bailey and he takes it right into a Russian leg sweep.
SD: These two are wrestling?
BJ: Well, we are the World Championship WRESTLING Alliance.
SD: But this is the match for the smashy.
BJ: I'm sure we'll get there, Shane.
Both men work their way back to a vertical base. Younger holds his arms up, calling for a test of strength. JC teases that he’s going to lock up, but instead kicks Younger right in the stomach. JC Bailey against the ropes. High drop kick attempt from Bailey, but Younger sidesteps and Bailey lands flat on his stomach.
SD: So far, Younger is out thinking Bailey. That could prove fatal for the Death Match champ.
BJ: No pun intended?
SD: What? Oh...you're an idiot.
Younger down to his stomach for a half nelson, but Bailey rolls out of it with a standing switch, locking Younger in a half nelson of his own. Younger works his way back to his feet and elbows Bailey, elbowing out of the half nelson. Both men into the ropes and they come back, meeting center ring and colliding with a double clothesline. Both back up for a stand off as the crowd claps politely.
BJ: Show of respect from the crowd.
SD: Surprised these animals aren't booing the hell out of these two.
BJ: So am I, but this is the pace that Drake wants this match. If JC gets in control, there will be smashy.
Bailey into the ropes again, but Drake meets him this time and goes for a clothesline, but Bailey dodges and Younger just hits the ropes. Bailey into the far ropes and he comes back for a Yakuza kick attempt, but Younger catches him and throws him up and over the top rope to the measly padded concrete arena floor.
BJ: Well, that could have been worse.
SD: How do you figure?
BJ: If we'd been anywhere but New York, JC would've landed on the concrete.
SD: So, basically, the NYSAC are a bunch of pussies?
BJ: More or less.
JC Bailey slow back to his feet and starts into the ring, but thinks twice about it. He walks around the ring and slides underneath the net of barbed wire. Drake Younger blindly reaches his hand outside and Bailey grabs his arm, pulling him right into the net of barbed wire. Several light tubes break upon Younger hitting the net.
SD: SMASHY!
BJ: I told you it was a matter of time.
SD: And somewhere, Tomoaki Honma is smiling.
BJ: Yeah, our fans will get that reference.
Younger is trapped in the net of barbed wire as Bailey slides back into the ring. Younger struggles to get loose as Bailey scales the top rope. Quickly, Bailey dives off, nailing a double stomp right to the stomach of Drake Younger and driving the net of barbed wire deeper into the back of Drake Younger. Bailey grabs one of the broken light tubes and begins to carve into the forehead of Younger, drawing a crimson mask rather quickly.
SD: Now that we've pissed off the Red Cross...
BJ: Have you not seen the rats that Chris Hero hangs out with?
SD: I have.
BJ: Then do you think the Red Cross would want Drake's blood?
SD: I suppose you have a point there.
Drake Younger fights off the broken glass and slowly works his way off of the barbed wire net and back to his feet, but this proves to be a mistake because JC jerks the barbed wire strand upwards and into Drake Younger’s lower nutsack region. Bailey grabs Younger by the head and tosses him hard into the solid steel frame of the barbed wire net.
BJ: This may be the literal version of busting someone's balls.
SD: I get the feeling it can get worse.
BJ: I'd hate to see that...
Younger tries to fight back but ends up tangled in the barbed wire again. JC climbs out of the barbed wire and to the top rope. Drake slowly pulls himself out of the barbed wire and goes after JC. Drake gets to the ring apron, where JC meets him with a kick right in the face.
BJ: I am willing to bet this ends badly for someone.
SD: I think you may be correct here.
BJ: Oh, I know I'm correct here.
Drake slides into the ring and climbs the inside of the turnbuckle. Drake is now face to back with JC, JC is trying to fight him off with elbows, but Drake grabs him a choke. Both men standing on the ropes, JC slowly turning around. Drake dives and tackles JC and both men go sailing downwards into the barbed wire net.
SD: I think you're right.
BJ: I'm not worried about that. Medic!
SD: Both men go crashing into that barbed wire monstrosity.
Todd Gordon into panic mode as Drake slowly pulls himself out of the barbed wire. JC is doing the same, albeit much slower than Younger. Younger slides into the ring with the assistance of Todd Gordon, but Gordon takes too much time in the ring and ends up trapped in the hands a stunned JC Bailey.
BJ: And this would be were Todd Gordon dies.
SD: Not nice knowing you, Todd!
Drake with a bundle of light tubes. He comes at JC from behind, but JC sees him coming and turns, kicking the light tubes right back into Drake’s face! The crowd goes crazy as Younger stumbles to the outside, JC quickly getting a gasp on Todd Gordon’s collar once more.
SD: There was hope for Todd with Drake, but with Drake otherwise disposed, JC may kill the guy now.
BJ: You sound almost remorseful.
SD: I am. I wish Paul E. was here to see this. Kill the leech, JC!
JC is asking the fans if they want him to murder Gordon, the fans going nuts. Drake has slid under the ring and comes back in quickly, a second light tube bundle in his hand. JC begins to choke Gordon as Drake lines up with the tubes, ready to maim Bailey. Bailey frees Gordon and turns around, and walks right into a brutal stomach shot from the tubes, shrapnel flying everywhere.
SD: Oh, for the love of Beulah naked, pull the damn trigger JC!
BJ: Beulah naked?
SD: You've not seen it? It is as close to God as man can get here.
Drake drops the remains of the tubes to the mat and goes after Bailey. He hooks him for a Drake‘s Landing, but Bailey is able to get away, sliding out of the ring as blood pours from the wound on his stomach.
SD: Can we seriously get a medic? I don't need to be seeing what JC had for lunch three days ago.
BJ: Huh?
SD: I'm afraid his stomach is going to come flying out.
BJ: (voice lowers, as he restrains the urge to hurl) That's a pleasant visual, Shane.
JC grabs a roll of tape from a ring attendant and begins to tape his mid section, slight assistance from the ring attendant brings it around his back and back around his stomach, taping the wound shut. Bailey up to the ring apron, but Drake pushes him off and he crashes into the untouched barbed wire net, light tubes exploding everywhere as he hits.
BJ: Well, Shane...you asked for the smashy.
SD: And we're fucking get it now.
BJ: But soon you have to wonder how much blood can JC lose?
SD: I'm hoping we don't find out.
JC is stuck in the barbed wire net. Drake climbs the ropes on the inside of the ring, looking down at JC Bailey. Drake lifts his arm up and dives, hitting an elbow on JC Bailey in the barbed wire net. Several cords of barbed wire snap under the two men’s weight, the steel frame bending under the impact.
BJ: How much gauze do we keep backstage?
SD: Not enough, if you're implying what I think you are.
BJ: Probably not. Meanwhile, they bent the metal frame!
SD: Well, that is a decent sized guy landed on a miniture decent sized guy. It shouldn't be surprising.
BJ: So, you're calling JC a midget?
SD: No, a miniture. You called him a midget. And I have it on record!
Drake is briefly stuck in the net until Todd Gordon gives him a hand out. Drake is now standing on the slightly bent frame, JC still stuck in the barbed wire net. Drake nearly loses his balance, but instead of stepping down, opts to do a standing moonsault right back into the barbed wire net and JC Bailey, the barbed wire completely snapping. Both men spill through the wire and to the arena floor.
SD: That moonsault was not pretty.
BJ: May not have been pretty, but it was definitely effective.
SD: And both men go crashing to the arena floor.
BJ: You have to believe that the barbed wire got stuck there too.
SD: I'd hope not for their sake.
Drake is up first, pulling a few barbs out of his legs and slides into the ring. JC, however, is much more mutilated, vertical and horizontal strands of barbed wire locked into his back, almost making a mesh t-shirt of barbed wire. Bailey slowly pulls away, each individual barb popping out of his flesh, leaving behind a horrifying crimson blanket on the barbed wire and a disgusting stain on the arena floor.
BJ: Folks, we truly hope you are not eating while your watching.
SD: And if you are, please send your carpet cleaning bills to Dave Lenk...
BJ: You want to keep your job?
SD: Well, for the food, I suppose.
BJ: Then can it.
JC slides into the ring slowly and walks right into a light tube shot to the face from Drake Younger. Blood is pouring from the back of JC Bailey, his pants torn and more blood pouring from his legs. Drake grabs a hold of him and tosses him over the top rope, to the arena floor in an area where there is not a barbed wire net.
SD: Drake showing some compassion there.
BJ: How?
SD: He didn't throw him into a net there.
BJ: That's because they've basically destroyed them.
SD: Besides the fact.
Drake goes to the outside, where JC meets him with several rights and lefts to the mid section. Drake stops this come back with a kick right between the legs. Drake Younger grabs JC by the head in a front face lock, then lifts him into the air, dropping him with a vertical suplex onto the steel ramp. JC leaves a bloody outline of his body on the ramp as Drake immediately pulls him back to his feet.
SD: There is a chalk line joke to be made here...
BJ: The guy is bleeding from pretty much everywhere possible and you're making jokes.
SD: No, I said there was one there. I didn't take it.
Drake goes for an Irish whip on Bailey, but Bailey reverses it and Drake goes sailing face first into the ring post. JC immediately crumbles to the ground, unable to follow up his attack. Drake recovers before JC does. He scoops him up in a slam position and brings him to the unbroken barbed wire net, tossing him with a slam right back into the wire.
BJ: Okay, I sit corrected.
SD: How do you figure?
BJ: Now, they attacked all the barbed wire nets...
Drake slides into the ring under the bottom rope then makes his way across the ring, reaching under the bottom rope to grab JC Bailey, rolling him out of the net and into the ring. Drake grabs Bailey by the neck and begins to choke him, referee Bryce Remsburg simply requesting that he stop.
SD: Yeah, good luck with that Bryce.
BJ: I don't think Bryce is going to get through.
SD: Not now. After all that's happened in this match.
BJ: It's like complaining about rain during a tornado. Yeah, you can, but what point does it serve?
Drake lets Bailey up eventually, Bailey rolling away and leaving a bloodstain on the mat where he laid. Bailey weakly fighting back with punches as Drake swarms him. Drake lifts him up, getting under him and putting him onto his own back.
BJ: Looks like Drake is looking for the end.
SD: I would hope so.
BJ: Drake appears to be trying to hook JC for that devastating Drake's Landing, known by most fans as either the Kudo Driver or the Vertebreaker.
SD: A move invented by a female, if I recall correctly.
BJ: Hence the name Kudo Driver. Megumi Kudo.
Bailey in place and Drake falls back, crushing the vertebrae with a devastating Drake’s Landing. Drake with a cover and referee Remsburg into position, 1.….2.… and the bell sounds!
SD: What the hell?
BJ: I think he waited too long. Drake was too focused on punishing JC, and the time limit has expired! To Mel Phillips to let us know for sure...
Drake hops to his feet, raising his hands in the air, but referee Remsburg is having none of it. He goes to the ring apron, meeting ring announcer Mel Phillips and special guest time keeper Phil Margera there.
SD: Who the fuck is that?
BJ: That is Bam Margera's dad.
SD: And again, who the fuck is that?
After a brief meeting and two penis references from Margera, Mel Phillips is able to come over the P/A system with a decision.
MP: The result of this match at thirty minutes even, is a TIME LIMIT DRAW! THERE IS NO WINNER!
Drake can’t believe it. JC seems relieved that he’s retaining his title, but Mel continues.
MP: Furthermore, due to a clause in the Death Match contract, on a draw, the title becomes vacant.
The crowd boos and begins to throw garbage towards the ring. Drake makes a quick exit up the ramp. JC moves much slower and needs assistance from the ringside area.
Cut away to an unknown area, where Delirious sits on a stairwell, perched over. Delirious says nothing, nor does he even look up. Finally, the camera man has to say “we’re on” for Delirious to look up.
Delirious: Sexyxis Chuckies Taylorssshs Tonightthe Delirious hascometowin the Internationalchampionship! Delirious gonna chopchopchip kickkickkick BURNING HAMMAHHHHH!! German suplexyouknowhowitgoeswith the crazyshenigans. Delirious knows InternationalwrestlinglikeElGenerico and Sexyxis Chuckies Taylorssshsh knowsnothing. Tonightssshemd, Deliriouschampion, Deliriousnostabby, BOP! BOP! BOP!
Delirious walks away from where ever he was as we cut away.
Cut back to the ringside area, where Shane Douglas looks absolutely disgusted.
SD: What the FUCK was that?
BJ: I think it was Delirish..
SD: So you understood what he was saying?
BJ: I’m quite fluent in idiot.
SD: Yeah, being around Brandon Thomaselli will do that to you..
BJ (ignoring): Let’s send it to Joel Gertner.. Standing by with the former Television champion, Beef Wellington.
Cut backstage to Joel Gertner, standing outside of a room labeled “Beef Wellington” but underneath a small scribbled in crayon sign says “Leave Cake”. Gertner knocks on the door before opening it. Beef sits without a shirt on a bucket in the middle of the room, despite several nice chairs lining the walls empty. Gertner approaches Beef.
BW: Why? How? How did he beat me? I lost over a pound, dropping myself to a slim, trim, two hundred and nineteen pounds, so I could be in the Ménage Et Trois tournament.. That’s French for “Flippy Retards”, you know.. I’m the number one contender for the World Heavyweight title.. How did JANNETTY beat me??
JG: It may have had something to do with the brass knuckles, the hooked tights, and the feet on the ropes..
BW: Or I’ve lost my smile..
JG: Probably the former..
BW: Probably..
Cut back to ringside, where the sweeping and clean up from the Death Match title match has finished. Mel Phillips stands center ring.
MP: The following match is scheduled for one fall, with a forty five minute time limit.. And it will be the finals of the WCWA International title tournament!
“Hey Sandy” by Polaris hits over the PA system and the crowd immediately goes sour, nearly drowning out the music with boos.
MP: First, representing the Kings of Wrestling, from Raccoon City, weighing in tonight at one hundred and eighty five pounds.. “Sexy” Chuck Taylor!
Taylor makes his way to the ring, sliding in under the bottom rope and immediately going to the top rope and raising his arm with a “BEEYEAAHHH!”
SD: Neither one of the guys in this match is what you could term stable.
BJ: Agreed. One speaks jibberish, and the other is Delirious
Taylor goes to the far corner, referee Bryce Remsburg starts to check him for weapons. Taylor turns it around, checking Remsburg. Flustered, Remsburg abandons his search mid way through.
BJ: Now, if you believe the rumors...that's just because Chuck likes touching other guys.
SD: I would love to see you say that to his face. He'll punch you like you were a grandma.
BJ: Or a little child.
SD: Equal-opportunity. I think it's admirable.
The lights dim. The vocals hit over the loud speakers.. “Gentlemen.. DESTROY!” “Unorthodox Manifesto” by Dimmu Borgir comes in from there and Delirious comes running out of the curtain and down the entrance way, flailing his arms and running wildly.
MP: And his opponent, from the Edge of Insanity, weighing in tonight at one hundred and ninety six pounds, this is DELIRIOUS!!
Delirious runs around the ringside area, slapping hands wildly. He grabs a man’s hat and sends it flying into the ring. Chuck Taylor goes after the hat, dropping an elbow on it before kicking it out of the ring.
BJ: Folks, I hope you aren't expecting us to take this match seriously.
SD: Yeah...why should we when the wrestlers won't? This is like Jannetty-Wellington II tonight.
BJ: Which one would be Jannetty?
SD: Good point...
Delirious slides into the ring and immediately calms down, going down to a squatted perch in the corner, his knuckles to the mat. Referee Remsburg tries to check him for weapons, but Delirious isn’t moving. Bryce abandons his quest, simply calling for the bell. With the ringing of the bell, Delirious goes CRAZY! He runs around the ring on the inside, then runs out, grunting and screaming incoherently.
SD: Longest un-intellectual sentence ever.
BJ: This coming from a 'Dean' folks. He would know.
SD: That joke is beyond old, Jordan.
Delirious back into the ring, still going crazy, he runs right into an arm drag from Chuck Taylor, which Chuck holds in an arm bar. Chuck yells out that he’s done with the craziness, and now it’s time for wrestling. Delirious puts his fingers in his mouth.
BJ: Chuck must not see a lot of Delirious...
SD: Well, this is a title match. Maybe Chuck wants to be serious.
BJ: I do not think either guy is physically capable of such.
Chuck protests to referee Bryce Remsburg about the finger lubrication, telling him to “make Delirious stop being weird”. Remsburg pulls Delirious’ hand out of his mouth and Delirious runs it down the arm of Chuck Taylor, soaking the two’s arm bar connection in ample saliva. Chuck breaks the arm bar quickly, going to Remsburg’s shirt to remove the spit
BJ: One way to get out of a armbar.
SD: A disgusting way.
BJ: We just saw to guys bleeding all over the place, and THAT is disgusting?
SD: Well, yes.
BJ: You have some serious issues..
Chuck seems to be out of his game a little bit. He tells Delirious to run into the far ropes. Delirious does as instructed and Taylor brings him down to the mat with a drop toe hold and a float over. Taylor back to his feet and Delirious is angry. Delirious makes a motion into the ropes, then slaps his shoulder. He then makes a running motion to the ropes closest to the hard camera, then slaps his shoulder again a moment later.
SD: What the hell is he doing?
BJ: How am I supposed to know? No-one ever does.
SD: There are rumors about Dai...
BJ: Sorry. Can't let you finish that. Not a contracted employee.
SD: Asshole.
Chuck seems confused. Delirious runs into the ropes and Chuck hits him with a shoulder block take down. Delirious up, clapping his hands as he runs into the nearest ropes. He comes running back at Chuck Taylor, Chuck jumps out of the way, Delirious still takes a shoulder block from thin air and both men are down.
SD: All this makes me wonder what Punk must be thinking. Since his reign established the belt.
BJ: I am afraid to ask...
SD: I am going to say. Punk strikes me as the type to sue.
Chuck up to his feet first, the air shoulder block seeming to take a lot out of Delirious. Taylor pulls Delirious up with a rear waist lock. Delirious tries, in vain, to counter, before putting his right hand in his mouth again.
SD: What the hell is that nut doing now?
BJ: I'll tell you when I figure it out.
Delirious uses his lubricated figures to slide out of the grip, before doing the same with his left hand. Delirious slides his left hand out as well, and reverses the waist lock, before taking Taylor up and over with a German suplex.
BJ: Ah. Lubrication, it always makes things easier.
SD: You've been speaking to Lizzy Borden, haven't you?
BJ: And Delirious tosses Taylor with the Germ...wait, how does Lizzy tie into this?
SD: She's used a lot of lubrication with Germans?
BJ: I had to ask.
Delirious holds onto the suplex on the mat, rolling his hips and getting right back to his feet. Taylor seems a bit confused as to how the waist lock is still locked. Delirious takes him up and over for another spine bending German suplex. He holds on again, rolling his hips and getting back to his feet again.
SD: Is Delirious going to for the "Three German Amigos"?
BJ: Actually, I believe the official name is "BOPBOPDABADABAROLLINGGERMANSDADABOP".
SD: Good thing there is no spell check on speech.
BJ: Agreed.
Taylor has been sincerely knocked loopy at this point, Delirious loopy since before the match started. Delirious takes Taylor over with a third German suplex, this time releasing as he dumps Taylor onto his spine. Delirious up, slapping his chest and pointing to the corner. Delirious yells out, calling for the “FROGGYWOGGY SPLASHYWASHY”.
SD: Did he just call for a Frog Splash?
BJ: Did you just understand Delirious?
SD: I got hit in the head way too often in ECW.
BJ: And in the other head way too often in XPW.
SD: You had to go there.
BJ: When in Rome, Shane...
Delirious climbs the corner, briefly pointing to the Heaven’s before diving off for a frog splash, nailing a picture perfect frog splash on Chuck Taylor. Delirious stays on him and hooks the leg, 1.…2.… kick out at two and a half by Chuck Taylor.
SD: Delirious ever wrestle Eddie?
BJ: Not that I am aware of?
SD: Then why is he stealing his gimmick?
BJ: It's called paying tribute.
SD: No. It's called oweing royalties!
Delirious up and he goes to the corner again, calling for another splash. He doesn’t immediately splash onto the downed Taylor, but instead waits for Taylor to get to his feet. Taylor is still doubled over in pain when Delirious dives, going for his signature back splash, but Taylor sees it coming and moves. Delirious hits nothing and crash and burns on the mat.
BJ: And Shadows Over Hell misses.
SD: Why even bother letting him back up? Why not another Froggy Woggy?
BJ: You sound like a member of the Wiggles.
SD: Fuck you, Jordan.
BJ: Okay. The pissed off Wiggles.
Delirious down on the mat, rolling over to his back to hold his stomach. Taylor reaches into his tights. Remsburg in to inspect, but he just sees Taylor has a handful of nothing. Taylor announces to the world what he has.
CT: This is a GRENADE! And when I pull the pin, BLAMO!
SD: Oh shit, he has a grenade!
BJ: He does not.
SD: You're going to deny it? Fine, get yourself blown up.
BJ: Idiot.
SD: Yes, you are. I've noticed.
Remsburg looks shocked that Taylor has brought imaginary explosives into play. Taylor takes too much time announcing his plans for an imaginary mass destruction though and Delirious is able to recover. Delirious with a kick to the mid section of Taylor and he sends him into the far ropes. Delirious catches Taylor as he comes running back in, driving him into the mat with a vicious spine buster, right onto the imaginary grenade!!
SD: Man, Chuck better move before that thing blows.
BJ: Surely, you can not be serious.
SD: But I am serious.
BJ: If you add "don't call me Shirley", I'll call Leslie Nielson myself.
SD: Spoilsport.
Taylor jumps up high off the impact, selling the shot like he has just been blown to bits, Remsburg dives up high as well, landing flat on his butt from the impact. The crowd begins to chant in unison “HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!!”
BJ: And referee Remsburg will be out for two weeks, recovering from a broken tailbone from an invisible grenade.
SD: Man, where is your sense of humor?
BJ: What do you mean?
SD: The guy is busting his ass, and you're as dry as regular toast up here.
BJ: Busted his ass. Har har.
SD: See, it's not funny when you explain the joke, Jordan.
Delirious with a cover, but Remsburg is still down from the grenade explosion. Delirious smacks his own hand to the mat three times, then gets up. Remsburg slow to his feet, Delirious protesting the shenanigans.
SD: Now, I know Delirious isn't getting mad about other people's chicanery.
BJ: Well, when it costs him a title, he should. He had Chuck beat.
SD: Because Remsburg got blown by a grenade. Biggest ref bump in history.
BJ: You're as deluded as Chuck is.
Taylor from behind Delirious with a school boy, hooking an ample amount of the waistband of Delirious in doing so. Remsburg into position for the count, 1.…2.… kick out at two by Delirious. Delirious back to his feet and he claims Taylor had the tights.
BJ: Okay, if we believe that Tracy Smothers is Chuck Taylor's dad, does that mean a hairpull is next?
SD: But he didn't hook the leg, man!
BJ: That's because he had the tights!
Taylor argues that he didn’t. Remsburg not sure who to believe, the insane lizard man speaking gibberish or the sneaky Chuck Taylor. Delirious grows bored with the argument and comes in, grabbing a hand full of Taylor’s hair and pulling. Remsburg starts a count for the illegal hair pulling. 1.…2.…3.…4.… Delirious breaks the hair pulling at four, only to grab another handful.
BJ: Delirious watching Sumie Sakai lately.
SD: Who?
BJ: Hopefully someone else gets that.
Delirious pulls back hard on the hair, Remsburg restarting the count, 1.…2.…3.…4.… Delirious breaks the hair pulling again, only to restart with the other hand. The crowd chuckles, but this time Delirious isn’t able to get a long count, as Taylor catches Delirious with a kick to the stones, undetected by referee Remsburg.
BJ: So, now it's who can out-cheat the other.
SD: Yeah, this match has broken down.
BJ: It never had any sembelence of order in the first place!
SD: Still. It has broken down further.
Delirious doubles over. Remsburg asks him what happened and Delirious clearly yells “HE KICKED ME IN THE FUCKING DING DONG!” sprinkled in with some gibberish. Cut to a split screen with a Trojan logo, a slow motion replay of Chuck Taylor indeed kicking Delirious in the fucking ding dong.
SD: The Trojan Splat of the night. Brought to you by Trojan. For her pleasure. And yours.
BJ: Time out...
SD: It's irony, Ben. Seeing as Delirious won't be needing them tonight.
BJ: So, he had big plans before that?
SD: You never know with some of these rats.
Remsburg questions the low blow, Taylor denies it and goes right back on the attack on Delirious. He straightens Delirious up, Delirious still holding his junk in pain. Taylor puts a boot to the face of Delirious and falls back, nailing a picture perfect Sole Food on Delirious.
BJ: (chuckling) And there's Sole Food.
SD: What's so funny?
BJ: That is the clearest I have ever heard Delirious, and it is because someone kicked him in the junk.
SD: You are a mean, mean man.
Taylor goes for a pin attempt, Remsburg is reluctant to count, 1.…2.… kick out at two and Taylor can’t believe it. Delirious slow to his feet, shaking his arms. Taylor pounds away at him with forearms. Rights, lefts, stomps, but none of it’s registering with Delirious, he’s just shaking off all the blows, pulling himself to his feet with the ropes. Taylor with a clubbing right on Delirious and Delirious turns around, pointing and yelling “YOU!!!!!”, most of the people in the arena catching on to what he was doing and yelling the “you” along with him.
SD: Oh, for Christ sake.
BJ: Delirious is not Jesus.
SD: The man he is pretending to be thinks he is.
BJ: Shane Douglas' comments do not reflect those of the WCWA. Therefore, Mr. Hogan, should you feel the need to sue...sue him.
SD: Way to show a spine there, Ben.
Taylor falls into his part and backs off as Delirious stalks after him, rejuvenated. Taylor tries to fight back with a punch, but Delirious isn’t feeling it. Another and nothing. Taylor goes for one more and Delirious catches the fist. With his spare hand, Delirious clobbers Chuck, sending him sailing across the ring.
SD: And queue the overselling.
BJ: I have seen this before. A pay-per-view from August last year...
SD: If you say his name, you will do the rest of this show with a broken jaw.
BJ: Sheesh. Someone's bitter. Besides, I wouldn't want my jaw broken, because up next is Mickie Knuckles versus LuFisto!
SD: Dude, that was like two hours ago..
BJ: Fuck! Damn format sheet! *sound of papers flying through the air*
Delirious cups his hand to his ear, calling for the support of the rabid New York City crowd, who are eating up Delirious’ comeback. Delirious into the far ropes and he comes back, nailing a leg drop on Taylor and the crowd goes insane. Delirious with a cover, 1.… kick out from Taylor.
SD: There’s no way he was going to pin him there. All he did was a leg drop..
BJ: And that is a shoot, BROTHER!
Delirious is up and seemingly confused. Taylor from behind with a clubbing forearm to the neck of Delirious. Delirious goes down a little bit and Taylor casual face washes him. Taylor backs up a little bit, Delirious slow to his feet. Taylor comes running in and nails a lariat on Delirious, taking Delirious down. Taylor with a cover on Delirious, 1.…2.… kick out at two from Delirious.
SD: And the lariato gets dos.
BJ: Lariato?
SD: Japanese announcer way of saying it.
BJ: And dos is Hispanic.
SD: I bring diversity to the commentary position, Ben.
Taylor up and he pulls his elbow pad off. He’s calling for another lariat. Delirious slow to his feet, Taylor comes running in, Delirious ducks it and grabs Taylor in a rear waist lock on the way around. Taylor with an elbow and a standing switch into a rear waist lock of his own. He grabs Delirious’ arm and pulls it upwards in a chicken wing type position, lifting him in the process, then sits down, dropping the Lizard man right on his head with a sickening impact, sitting down with it for the Awful Waffle.
BJ: OMEGA DRIVER!
SD: We call it the Awful Waffle.
BJ: Either way, Delirious right on the top of his damn head.
SD: This one is academic, folks.
Delirious is out of it. Taylor with a cover, 1.…2.…3!
BJ: And sure enough, Chuck Taylor is the International champion.
SD: And Delirious is in need of a medic. Right on his head. And not the one Taylor kicked earlier either.
BJ: Stop it!
The bell sounds. “Hey Sandy” by Polaris hits over the P/A system and Mel Phillips makes the announcement official.
MP: Your winner of this match and NEW WCWA International champion.. “Sexy” Chuck TAYLOR!
Taylor is handed in the International championship by Mel Phillips. He lifts it high over his head, then goes to Delirious to taunt with his new title. Taylor exits out of the ring, holding the title over head most of the way. Spotting a youngster in the front row, Taylor opts to take a swipe at him with the title, causing the youngster to cower in fear, Taylor stopping before striking him.
BJ: This man does NOT like children..
SD: Who does, really? Sniveling brats.
One last pose from Taylor before he exits through the curtain and we cut backstage to Joel Gertner, standing by with the Messiah.
JG: Well, well, well, it is I.. fuck it, it’s been a long night.. I’m with Messiah.. Messiah, this is the final hour.. We’re just moments away from the match that could make or break your career.. The three way dance for the vacated WCWA World Heavyweight title.. Your thoughts..
Messiah: Ignoring the ignorance of the man standing beside me, it has been a long night. It's about to get longer for two other people however. Chris Hero. Eddie Kingston. Tonight, destiny finds its' way home. And the gold goes where it belongs.
Messiah looks at Gertner for a moment, a determined fiery look in his eyes, then looks away and steps out of the interview area. The camera follows him briefly, to a hallway labeled “entrance” before cutting away.
Cut away.. Dead air is all that is heard. A black screen is all that can be seen. Slowly, we fade into a shot from Synthetic. Chris Hero and Sabu stand over Necro Butcher’s broken corpse menacingly, Bill Alfonzo blowing a whistle wildly. Dave Prazak gets between the two men and raises both of their hands high into the air. Kris Kloss cuts in for a voice over.
KK: There you see the first man qualified for the three way World Heavyweight title match at Hurt.. But at what cost? Is winning really worth going these crooked roads?
The shot from Synthetic fades down, bringing up a black screen. A heavy voice over kicks in.
V/O: One man would do anything for the championship.. He would sell his soul to the devil himself.. Align himself with his enemies..
Cut to a clip of Chris Hero. His hair is down over his eyes, looking intimidating. He’s removed his Superman-esque logo shirt, standing only in a singlet and baggy pants. The camera pans out from Hero, showing CM Punk standing with an evil smile, but then the picture blacks out.
V/O: One man has fought his entire life for this moment.. Through blood, sweat, and tears.. He’s taken years off his life for this one moment..
Cut to a clip from Wargames. The Messiah is up on the top of the steel cage, Johnny Kashmire as well. Messiah bends down and hooks Kashmire on his shoulders. Messiah holds him there for a moment before jumping off, nailing a Samoan Drop to Johnny Kashmire through all three tables! Cue a voice over from Joey Styles.
JS: OH MY GAWD!!!!!
And we fade back to black..
V/O: And one man has abandoned everything he knew..
A photo of a very young Eddie Kingston, standing with Blackjack Marciano in front of Kevin Knight’s gym in New Jersey appears on screen.
V/O: To get to this point.
Kingston into the corner. He’s stomping his foot. Sabu up slowly. Kingston comes running in and goes for the Yakuza kick, but Sabu ducks. Kingston continues running, hitting the far ropes and coming back. Sabu turns around and catches a Yakuza kick from Kingston on the second attempt. This cuts quickly to Kingston pinning Sabu and getting his hand raised in victory, as a voice over from Kris Kloss cuts in.
KK: And he does it!
Tonight.. Two men will fall short of their dreams.. While one man.. Will forever seal his destiny as one of the greats in this sport. One man will etch his name into the record books alongside names such as Bret “the Hitman” Hart, Shawn Michaels, and AJ Styles as WCWA World Heavyweight champion.. A lifetime of build has led to this one moment..
Cut back to the arena and a live shot. The lights have been dimmed. All that can be seen is Mel Phillips standing in the center of the ring with a microphone in hand.
MP: The following match is scheduled for one fall.. This match will be fought under elimination rules. It will have no time limit, no disqualifications, no count out and it is for the World Championship Wrestling Alliance Heavyweight Championship of the WORLD!
Mel Phillips steps back a bit as the lights dim. The camera shoots from the ring to the entrance way. Suddenly, “Prayer” by Disturbed hits over the P/A system and the crowd erupts.
MP: First, from Detroit, Michigan, weighing in tonight at two hundred and ten pounds.. He was a finalist in the first King of the Death Match tournament.. He is THE MESSIAH!!
The Messiah finally makes his way through the curtain. Messiah has a determined look on his face as he makes his way down the isle, sliding in under the bottom rope and going to the corner. Messiah outstretches his arms at the top rope and the crowd showers him in cheers.
SD: Here’s a fun fact for you, Ben.. While the Messiah has been in WCWA for SEVERAL years.. This is his very first WCWA World Heavyweight title shot..
BJ: Not sure how fun he thinks that is.
SD: Well, look at it this way. It's his best chance to make a first impression.
BJ: And a shot to walk out WCWA Heavyweight champion.
The Messiah off of the ropes as his music finally cuts off. Messiah stands eagerly center ring. The crowd starts up a “Mess-Eye-Ah! Mess-Eye-Ah” chant, which brings Messiah out of his focus momentarily to soak in the admiration from the crowd. The lights dim once more. “Diamonds Over Sierra Leone” by Kanye West hits over the P/A system and the crowd goes crazy once more.
MP: Opponent number two.. Representing the BLK Out.. From the Home of the Brave, Yonkers, New York.. Weighing in tonight at two hundred and forty eight pounds.. He is “The Last of a Dying Breed”.. “The King of Diamonds” Eddie KINGSTON!
SD: Another man getting his first shot at the belt.
BJ: True, but there are outside factors in the favors of both Kingston and Hero, despite the fact that they hate each other. That being, Kingston and Hero both have backup in the building. Hero has the Kings of Wrestling, and Kingston has the BLK Out.
SD: Well, that is a graphic illustration of one thing.
BJ: And that would be?
SD: Messiah has no friends.
BJ: I should’ve seen that coming.
As Mel is making this introduction, Kingston makes his way through the curtain, his singlet straps down. As he makes his way down the isle way, he pulls his singlet straps up and rubs his index finger across his cheek, applying black war paint to each cheek. Kingston to ringside, slow to walk up the steps, waiting a moment for The Messiah to back off to a corner.
BJ: Mind games there, as Kingston waited for Messiah to move.
SD: But does that affect Messiah? I dare say not.
Kingston slides into the ring and goes to a perch in a corner as his music cuts off. The camera slides out of the ring and back up the entrance way. “Kryptonite” by Three Doors Down hits over the P/A system. Quick switch back to the ring, where Eddie Kingston looks absolutely disgusted. Chris Hero makes his way out into the entrance way.
MP: And finally.. Representing the Kings of Wrestling.. From Metropolis.. Weighing in tonight at two hundred and thirty pounds.. He is “Your Hero” Chris HERO!
Chris Hero makes his way down the isle way, a confident grin on his face, one that not even the heckling from the rabid New York City fans can take away. Hero slides into the ring and Kingston tries to immediately attack, but senior referee Jason Verdoes gets between the two and sends Kingston back to his respective corner.
BJ: You can tell Hero is taking this match seriously.
SD: How so?
BJ: His entrance didn’t take an hour tonight.
SD: And with no Nate Webb on the card tonight, we’re suffering from a lack of extraordinarily long entrances.
BJ: I think we’ll live.
Mel Phillips to the outside grabs the WCWA World Heavyweight title and hands it in to Verdoes, who stands in the middle of a triangle of the three participants and holds the title high in the air. Verdoes hands the title back outside to Mel Phillips and calls for the bell. Phil Margera does as instructed for once and the bell sounds, officially beginning this WCWA World Heavyweight title match.
BJ: Fans, Shane and I have been goofing around up here most of the night, but the time for that has come to an end. We are at the main event.
SD: For the WCWA Heavyweight title.
BJ: This is as serious as it gets. Bell rings, and we’re underway
Kingston immediately after Hero, backing him into the corner and showering him with rights, lefts, and forearms, nearly sending Hero down. Hero is finally able to mount a comeback with a poke to the eyes. As Kingston stumbles to the center of the ring, Hero comes in for a HARD European uppercut, stunning the King of Diamonds. Messiah simply stands back and watches.
SD: See, this is where Kingston and Hero could end up hurting each other more then they think.
BJ: How do you figure?
SD: Well, as much as they hate each other, if one takes the other out, then how much will that person have left for the battle with Messiah?
Kingston shakes off the blow and goes after Hero. Leg sweep take down and he mounts Hero for rabid punches to the face. Hero is able to roll Kingston off and get back to his feet. Hero is calling for a Yakuza kick early. Kingston slow to his feet. Hero is ready to take King’s head off. Messiah sneaks up behind Hero and grabs a handful of hair as Hero takes off running for the Yakuza, bringing a sudden stop to Hero’s momentum and sending him to the mat.
SD: Bad idea by Messiah. Why inject yourself in that when you had smooth sailing to a one on one title match?
BJ: Pride. He wants to be able to say that he eliminated both of his opponents.
SD: Well, pride goeth before the fall. He may want to heed those words.
Kingston on top of Hero for a ground and pound. Messiah exits the ring and grabs a chair from ringside. He sits down and simply watches the melee between his two opponents.
BJ: I think he heard you, Shane.
SD: No. He just got his head out of his ass.
Hero rolls Kingston off of him and goes to the corner for a brief breather. Kingston comes running in for an avalanche style splash, but Hero sidesteps out of the corner and Kingston hits nothing but turnbuckles. Hero with a dropkick to the back of Kingston, sending him back into the corner. Hero gets behind Kingston and waits for him to back out of the corner, catching him with a school boy. Referee Jason Verdoes into position for the count, 1.…2... Kick out at two from Kingston.
BJ: And the first two count to Hero.
SD: Off a roll-up. A quick roll-up at that.
BJ: Flash pin, Shane. Catch your opponent off-guard and put him down for a three count.
SD: On a guy like Kingston? Unlikely.
BJ: Agreed. But worth a shot in a situation like this.
Hero up to his feet, Kingston still stunned a bit. Hero on the attack, grabbing Kingston’s head in his patented Cravate and pulling him back to the center of the ring. Kingston is able to elbow his way out of the Cravate and sends Hero into the far ropes. Hero back in, Kingston ducks down for a back body drop, but Hero’s able to put on the breaks and lock in another Cravate.
BJ: Trademark hold there with the Cravate from Hero.
SD: Wear down.
BJ: I don’t know. We’ve seen Hero use some big moves from this. The plex, the cutter, and the blockbuster.
SD: And given the chance, I’m sure he’ll create a couple here tonight.
Kingston seems more frustrated at the Cravates than actually in pain. At this point, The Messiah has decided to re-enter the ring, bringing his chair with him but leaving it sitting in the corner. Hero is turning with Kingston in the Cravate, and turns right into a palm strike from The Messiah, dazing Hero but not forcing him to relinquish the three fourths chancery.
SD: I thought you learned, Messiah! Let them fight!
BJ: Again, it’s pride, Shane.
SD: Well, he needs to get the fuck over that. What’s more important? Your pride or the Heavyweight title?
BJ: To a guy like Messiah, it’s possible that there may not be a correct answer.
Kingston, still in the Cravate, hooks a leg of Hero and lifts him in the air, dropping him with a modified side slam and escaping the Cravate once more. Kingston back to his feet and he walks right into a side headlock from The Messiah. Kingston whips Messiah off into the far ropes. Messiah back and he leapfrogs over Kingston. Messiah into the near ropes, Kingston dives out of the way as Hero enters the picture, drilling Messiah on the rebound with a vicious diving forearm.
BJ: And to your point, Messiah get hit for the first time in this match.
SD: He should have bided his time. For a guy who cut such a powerful speech before this show, he sure isn’t wrestling like he wants it.
Hero goes down for a cover, but Kingston is right on top of him, pulling him off with a handful of hair. Kingston pulls Hero up to his feet and slaps him hard across the face. Hero with a slap right back. Kingston backs off a bit, then spins back, DRILLING Hero with a back fist and Hero goes down.
BJ: BACKFIST TO THE FUTURE!
SD: And down goes Hero.
BJ: One of King’s patented moves, and he hit it early in this match!
Messiah down for a cover on Hero, 1... Broken up at one by Kingston. Messiah is up to a vertical base and he shoves Kingston. Kingston comes back and drills Messiah and Messiah goes flying backwards. Kingston goes back after Hero, giving Messiah the time needed to recover, and grab the chair he brought in previously. Kingston and Hero battling it out, Messiah from behind Kingston. He taps him on the shoulder with the chair. Kingston turns around ready to fight but ends up catching a chair right between the eyes for his trouble.
SD: Ah yes. What fun is a WCWA title match without the sound of steel cracking someone in the head?
BJ: And down goes Eddie Kingston.
SD: Sheesh, you sound like Howard Cossell. (Mocking Jordan) Down goes Frazier.
BJ: Back to the match…
Hero backs off a bit as Messiah still has the chair in his hands. While Messiah is distracted with Hero, Kingston is able to get his senses from the chair shot and drills Messiah with a low blow. Messiah crumbles, dropping the chair in the process.
SD: And Messiah gets hit in the….
BJ: If you make a penis euphemism, you’re doing the rest of this show on your own.
SD: Gee, not even a slight sense of humor.
Kingston is back to his feet, but woozily. Like a vulture, Hero swarms in and locks on another Cravate. Instead of the typical submission Cravate, Hero pulls Kingston up and flips him over with a Cravate suplex. Kingston down and Hero goes for a cover and Verdoes slides into the count, 1.….2.… Kingston gets his right shoulder up at two.
BJ: And there is that aforementioned Cravate-Plex.
SD: Wow, you called Hero using a move based on a Cravate. What genius revelation do you have for us next? The sky is blue? The sun is hot?
BJ: Shane Douglas was a ‘Dean’.
SD: Fuck you, Jordan.
Messiah has grabbed the chair once more. He meets Hero at his feet with a jab to the mid section and Hero doubles over. Messiah winds the chair back and swings, but Hero gets out of the way, running into the far ropes. Messiah turns towards Hero, who comes back and kicks the chair hard with a Yakuza kick, sending the chair sailing back into Messiah’s head, the lip of the chair ricocheting off of Messiah’s temple.
BJ: Yakuza into the chair!
SD: And the kick is good!
BJ: Oh, real funny.
Messiah is down on the mat. From the lip of the chair, he now has a thin crimson mask running down his forehead. Hero leans over Messiah to trash talk, but Eddie Kingston sneaks up from behind and KILLS Hero, dropping him right on his head with a vicious Back Drop Driver. Kingston is the last man standing. He looks at Hero, then at Messiah, and opts to go for the pin on Messiah. Verdoes down for the pin, 1.…2.… Messiah kicks out and the fans cannot believe it!
SD: What the HELL was King thinking?
BJ: How do you figure?
SD: He hit one of his finishers on Hero, and tries to pin Messiah. Who had time to recover from the chair shot, while King was hitting Hero with that Backdrop Driver.
BJ: Maybe he wants to beat Hero for the belt.
SD: And technically, the belt is on the line, so he could have done that right now.
Kingston off of Messiah and Hero traps him with forearms to the back of the head. Kingston turns around, Hero with another forearm attempt, but Kingston traps him and throws him with a belly to belly suplex Hero stumbles back to his feet and Kingston dives at him, nailing him with a shoulder block and sending Hero between the top and middle ropes, a hard fall to the outside.
BJ: And Kingston takes Hero to the floor.
SD: Now, does King do the smart thing, and try to wear down Messiah in the ring, or act like an idiot by going to the floor and going after Hero?
Kingston at the ropes, about to go to the outside after Hero, but The Messiah catches him. Messiah with a whip to Kingston into the far ropes. Kingston comes back, Messiah goes for a clothesline, but Kingston ducks under it, scooping the chair up. Messiah now has a full fledged crimson mask, which is splattered right from his face from a chair throw from Eddie Kingston.
BJ: Messiah makes the choice for him.
SD: What kind of moron is Messiah? He had a chance to lay back and recover while King went after Hero on the floor. Instead, in his weakened state, he picks a fight with the man in the best shape in the match. Well, at the moment.
BJ: I was about to say.
SD: You know what I mean, Ben.
Hero, on the outside, has pulled a table from underneath the ring, slowly pulling the legs out and setting it up on the arena floor. Kingston back after Messiah, but Messiah is able to fight him off with a couple of potato shots, a vile thump off the head of Eddie Kingston. This just seems to fire up The King, who comes back at Messiah with punches of his own. Messiah tries to get away, but King traps him with a handful of shirt for more shots.
BJ: What a bunch of hypocrites the Kings of Wrestling are!
SD: How do you get that?
BJ: “No hardcore. No place for that in wrestling”, and yet here is Hero pulling out a table.
SD: It’s irony, Ben.
BJ: No, it’s hypocrisy.
SD: Well, yeah, but you expect anything else from Chris Hero?
BJ: Touché.
Messiah is now bleeding everywhere after Kingston’s facial shots, opening the wound on his head WIDE open. Hero back into the ring, Kingston goes after him, but Hero meets him with a European Uppercut. Hero after Messiah with a Cravate, but Kingston comes diving at the pair, clipping Hero’s legs from underneath him, which causes Hero to spike Messiah right into the mat with a modified neck breaker.
SD: See. Told you he’d come up with some wacky variation we hadn’t seen before.
BJ: I think that was more Kingston’s doing then Hero’s.
SD: Either way, I called.
BJ: So, from a ‘Dean’ to Carnac in a decade. Not bad work, actually.
SD: Bite me, Jordan.
Messiah is almost out of it, Hero wobbles back to his feet, his knee obviously bothering him. Kingston grabs Hero and tosses him over the top rope, but Hero lands on the ring apron. Hero lands in such a way though, that his knee takes a great deal of force, and his legs simply buckle under him, but he holds himself up with the ropes.
SD: And to the surprise of many, it has been Eddie Kingston with the best strategy here.
BJ: Weren’t you just bashing him like 5 minutes ago?
SD: Well, now his strategy has taken effect. With that one chop block, he has rendered both Hero and Messiah at a disadvantage. With Hero’s knee, and Messiah’s head.
Messiah goes to the ring apron, going after Hero. Hero meets Messiah on the apron with some punches, both men battling just above the table that Hero set up earlier in the match. Messiah with a hard right hand and Hero goes toppling off the ring apron, but clears the table entirely for a hard back splat on the arena floor.
BJ: I think going through the table would’ve helped Hero there.
SD: I think I’m with you there. Would beat that sickening splat he just made on the concrete down there. Having cleared the NYAC mandated pads.
Messiah thinks he’s come out victoriously in the duel, but has forgotten about Kingston. Kingston comes from behind Messiah. A hard chop from Kingston and he scoops Messiah up. Kingston dives off the ring apron and PLANTS Messiah right through the table with a Michinoku driver. The table explodes under the weight of the two men. Referee Jason Verdoes scrambles to the outside as Kingston has hooked Messiah’s leg following the driver. Finally in place, Verdoes counts on the arena floor, 1.…2...3!!
BJ: And there’s our first elimination!
SD: And one destroyed table.
BJ: As Messiah falls victim to the Michinoku Driver, leaving us with Hero and Kingston for the belt.
SD: Guess Messiah was over-stepping his destiny there.
BJ: Oh, give it a rest.
The fans are shocked.. The Messiah has been eliminated. Over the public address system, Mel Phillips makes the announcement official.
MP: The Messiah has been ELIMINATED!
Messiah still down in the wreckage of the table, Kingston slowly pulling himself out of the debris. The screen splits in two, one showing the live shot, the other showing the replay of the Michinoku driver. Below the replay screen is a logo for Orkin. The replay plays through with Messiah’s head spiking through the table and to the arena floor.
SD: Messiah’s elimination brought to you by Orkin. That pest has been exterminated!
BJ: Oh, give it a rest.
SD: Hey, blame our producers for selling the elimination to them in the first place.
BJ: Who is our producer?
SD: Hell if I know. We never mention the little guys
Back to live action, The Messiah is being helped to the back by several referees around. Hero, wobbling, has gone back on the attack on Kingston, smashing half of the table right into Kingston’s face. Hero pulls Kingston back to a vertical base and rolls him into the ring.
BJ: And as Messiah leaves, the battle for the title rages on.
SD: Down to the two men with the biggest backing foundations in the WCWA.
BJ: Makes you wonder if the BLK Out or the Kings are going to get involved.
SD: You almost expect it.
Hero after Kingston, Kingston’s trying to shove him off. Hero with a palm strike to Kingston’s forehead. Kingston up to his knees. He’s firing back, but Hero puts a stop to it with a brutal knee to the face. Kingston down momentarily and Hero goes for the cover, 1.…2.… kick out at two from Kingston.
BJ: Fans, the good wrestling part of this match has ended. With these two, it’s a brawl.
SD: Which is to say, these guys are going to knock the SHIT out of each other.
Hero up and he’s beginning to get frustrated. Hero goes to the top rope nearest to Kingston. Hero dives off with a senton bomb, but Kingston gets his knees up and Hero splats over the knees. Hero bounces from the knees and springs into the ropes. Kingston to his feet, Hero bounces back with a spin. He’s going for a roaring elbow, but Kingston gets his arms up for a block. Hero spins around and nails a back fist right to the mouth of Kingston.
SD: And let the move stealing begin!
BJ: Backfist to the Future by Hero!
SD: Like I just said…
Kingston wobbles, but he doesn’t fall. Hero spins for another back fist, but Kingston is able to duck it. Kingston grabs Hero and pulls him backwards, dropping him right on his head out of no where with a back drop driver. The crowd explodes into cheers, but Kingston’s too winded to immediately make the cover.
BJ: Backdrop driver again to Hero!
SD: That’s the second one this match.
BJ: Thanks for that insight.
SD: Anytime.
BJ: This time, Kingston is too worn out to make the cover, though.
SD: Which goes back to my point earlier about how he should have covered Hero with it the first time.
Kingston slowly crawls over to Hero and drapes one arm across the chest of Chris Hero. Referee Jason Verdoes slides into position and starts the count, 1.…2.… kick out before three by Hero and the fans cannot believe it!!
BJ: And a kickout by Hero!
SD: It was that delay to catch his breath. King allowed Hero a few seconds there, and it was all the time Hero needed to recover.
Kingston up to his knees and he’s shocked. Kingston slaps the mat a few times before pulling down his singlet straps. Kingston pulls Hero up with a handful of hair. Hero is trying to fight him off, but Kingston backs him up into the corner. Kingston with a stiff chop, but the shirt on Hero deflects some of the sting. Kingston is unimpressed, grabbing the collar of the shirt and ripping it right down the center of the Chris Hero logo.
SD: Oooh. You ripped Hero’s t-shirt! That is gimmick money out his pocket!
BJ: Will you stop?
SD: It’s the truth. You think these shirts are free?
BJ: Well, no. But Hero could just ask the boys in the store for one.
SD: When’s our online store opening, anyway?
BJ: About the time we announcers get paid.
SD: We get delicious Quizno’s subs, don’t we?
BJ: (Groan)
Kingston opens up on Hero, one chop, another, another, Hero’s chest is lighting up an awkward shade of red as Kingston demolishes him with brutal chops. Kingston with more chops out of the right hand, Hero’s chest becoming very discolored. Hero is finally able to block one of the right hand shots, but Kingston drills him with a left that echoes through the arena.
BJ: Jesus Christ, that’s a lot of chops.
SD: How many chops was it?
BJ: Huh?
SD: I thought that was a set-up line.
BJ: Well, it wasn’t. Quit screwing around.
Hero with a thumb to the eyes of Kingston and he comes back with chops of his own, backing himself out of the corner. Hero is firing back on Kingston, he flips Kingston into the corner and is opening up with chops, discoloring Kingston’s chest in the same way Kingston just did his. Without missing a beat, Kingston throws a wild head butt, not using his hands to steady Hero and simply drilling him right between the eyes. Both men wobble, Kingston falling back into the corner, Hero to his butt on the mat.
BJ: (shrieks)
SD: Normally, I would take offense to that, but man, that was shriek worthy.
BJ: And both men are out of it thanks to that.
Hero is still dazed in his seated position. Kingston has regained composure enough to dash out of the corner and drill Hero in the chin with a running knee. Kingston makes a cover on Hero, Verdoes down for the count, 1.…2.… kick out from Hero and the crowd can’t believe it.
SD: Okay, a bit liberal with the kickouts there, Chris.
BJ: WCWA title is on the line, Shane. Hero is going to do anything he has to, in order to win it.
SD: True. But still.
Kingston pulls Hero back to his feet. Hero tries to fight off Kingston with some elbows, but Kingston has a strong grip. Kingston attempts a whip, but Hero uses Kingston’s momentum to spin and clobber Kingston right in the ear. Kingston stumbles downwards, losing his balance from the shot.
SD: Hero messing with the equilibrium.
BJ: Must have been watching Homicide and Steve Corino.
SD: Yeah, people will get that one, I guess.
Hero in on the attack, grabbing Kingston with a Cravate, interlacing his fingers and locking in the three fourths chancery tightly. Kingston tries to bust the Cravate with a small ax handle, but Hero has it locked in tightly. Hero pulls Kingston up and over and Cravate suplexes him, tossing him right into the bottom turnbuckle. Kingston is folded up awkwardly from his landing.
BJ: And a second Cravate-plex by Hero puts King down.
SD: Not just a Cravate-plex. A Cravate-plex into the buckle. For that extra added asshole touch!
Hero on the attack, pulling Kingston by one leg out of the corner. He thinks about going for the pin, but instead opts to lock on a leg lock of sorts, putting his leg between the two legs of Kingston in an STF position, then locks in a Cravate in combination with the hold.
BJ: Hangman’s Clutch!
SD: The fans know what that move is.
BJ: Hey, I’m the play by play. It’s my job to call them rather the fans know them or not.
SD: Does that mean it’s my job to have faux heart attacks and shill baseball cards?
BJ: You shill everything else. Why the hell not?
Kingston squeals in pain, his neck worn down through the match from various Cravates and head drops. Kingston is struggling to get to the ropes, pulling all his body weight, as well as dragging Hero on his back. The crowd shows their support for Kingston, chanting his name loudly as his valiantly struggles to get to the ropes. Kingston is just inches away from the ropes, but Hero breaks the hold.
SD: Now, why would Hero let go?
BJ: Thinking that he is clean enough to the ropes to get the break, this way he could drag him back to the center of the ring.
Hero pulls Kingston up to his feet and locks him in a rear waist lock. Hero lifts Kingston up into the air and drops him across his own knee with an atomic drop, but Hero doesn’t release, whipping Kingston right backwards for his own variation of Kingston’s backdrop driver.
SD: And a back-drop driver from Hero!
BJ: For a guy that knows as many moves as Hero does, you’d think he wouldn’t have to steal any from Kingston.
SD: It’s not stealing. It’s liberal borrowing.
BJ: Right. And I’m a prince in England.
SD: Nice to meet you, Prince. And here I thought you were from Chicago.
Kingston’s knees and neck are hurt, and Hero goes right back after the submission hold. He gets the leg lock halfway locked in, but Kingston is able to roll himself over. Hero modifies his own positioning and mounts Kingston, pounding away at the face of the King of Diamonds with a brutal ground and pound.
SD: MMA Hero?
BJ: Hey, if they can call what they do wrestling, we can call ours MMA.
SD: Ground and pound from Hero here.
BJ: Probably not something Kingston was expecting.
SD: Which makes it that much smarter to do.
Kingston is trying to cover himself up, but Hero is brutally bashing him with severe strikes to the face. Kingston opts to quit protecting himself, instead nailing Hero right in the throat with a palm strike. Hero climbs off of Kingston, gagging and coughing for air. Referee Jason Verdoes reprimands Kingston for the somewhat illegal strike, Kingston loudly tells him to fuck off.
SD: Isn’t this No DQ?
BJ: Yes. As has been the entire tournament.
SD: Then why is Verdoes yelling about that throat strike?
BJ: Course of habit, I’d imagine.
Hero has bowed his head on the top rope, trying simply to regain his air and be able to breath again. Kingston comes running in and nails a Yakuza kick to Hero’s head, sandwiching Hero’s head between the top rope and the turnbuckle, but Kingston falls backwards in agony from the knee abuse as well.
BJ: And both men down again.
SD: About how far into this match are we?
BJ: Close to, if not a little over 30 minutes.
SD: See, that is a lot of wear and tear on these guys. Add in that King has had his knee worked over, and Hero is having trouble breathing, makes sense that both would try to catch their breath here.
Kingston down on the mat now from his own offense. Hero falls backwards and drapes an arm across Kingston’s chest. Referee Verdoes goes for the count, the crowd counting along in dismay as the referee’s hand hits the mat, 1.….2.….. KICK OUT BY EDDIE KINGSTON AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!
SD: Man, these fans would have rioted if that was the finish.
BJ: Do we have a riot squad here?
SD: I do not think so. Though we should!
Hero up to his feet. He pulls off his elbow pad and goes to the legs of Kingston. Several exposed elbow smashes to the injured knee of Kingston, Kingston screaming in pain with each one. Hero jumps in the air and drops a knee drop right onto Kingston’s knee. Hero grabs one of Kingston’s legs. Slowly and methodically, Hero grapevines Kingston’s two legs around one of his own and then drops down center ring, locking in a figure four leg lock.
BJ: Figure four leg lock locked in, shades of the legendary “Nature Boy”..
SD: Don’t even say. I swear to God and my father..
BJ: Buddy Rogers?
SD: Oh.. Well played..
Kingston screams in misery immediately, the submission hold ripping and pulling away at the injured knee. Hero props himself up with his own hands for leverage, Kingston screaming in pain. Kingston tries to sit up, possibly to reverse the hold.
BJ: Going for the reversal here..
SD: I somewhat question if Hero has the leg strength left at this point for a full fledged figure four.. And if Kingston gets it reversed.. How long will Hero be able to take the pressure?
BJ: Good point..
Both men now holding themselves up, Hero still applying massive amounts of pressure with the figure four leg lock. Hero screams at Kingston to tap out. Kingston replies with an affirmative fuck you. Hero pulls one of his arms off the mat to slap Kingston. The shot resounds through the arena as Hero falls to the mat. Referee Jason Verdoes quick to see the shoulders on the mat starts a count on Hero, 1... Hero gets the right shoulder up.
BJ: Hero almost pinned himself..
SD: Hero’s gotta watch those slaps.. And putting his own shoulders to the mat. At this point in the match, Hero could believably pin himself from exhaustion.
BJ: Good point..
SD: What’s with the repetitive lines?
BJ: It’s been a long night.. It feels like we’ve been here for a week!
SD: Get used to it..
Hero back up to his hands and he’s trash talking Kingston. Kingston spits right in Hero’s face. Hero pulls a hand from underneath his balance to slug Kingston again, this time popping him right in the eye. Blood begins to ooze from the eyebrow of Kingston as he crashes to the mat. Verdoes makes a count as both of Kingston’s shoulders are down, 1.….2.…. Kingston gets the left arm up.
SD: SUCKER PUNCH!
BJ: I don’t know how much damage that did to the King, but I’m sure it’s going to fire him up, which could be VERY dangerous for Hero..
SD: And he’s still locked in that figure four.. If Kingston’s knee wasn’t hurt before.. It almost surely is now..
Kingston leans up, screaming in pain as the figure four tears at his knee. He’s trying to turn the figure four over, to reverse the pressure back to Chris Hero. Hero is fighting it, leaning all his weight to the left while Kingston goes to the right. Kingston makes a quick switch and rolls to the left, rolling the figure four right over and reversing the hold.
BJ: HE REVERSED IT!
SD: Hero’s gotta get out of there quickly.. He can’t take that pressure turned back on him.. That knee’s taken a lot of abuse..
BJ: And even applying the figure four for this long likely did damage on it, not to mention the reversal..
Hero is now the one in agony, but quickly breaks the hold. Kingston is down on the mat, his knee in a bad way. Hero grabs the leg of Kingston and tries to lock in the figure four again, but Kingston is able to kick Hero’s legs from underneath him.
BJ: Kingston’s a scrapper.. You’re not just going to lock him in the same hold again..
SD: And a shout out goes to Zack Gowen.. At this point, he’s like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest..
Kingston crawls to the ropes, using the ropes to pull himself up. Hero goes after Kingston and grabs him up in another Cravate. Once more, Hero tosses Kingston to the center of the ring with a Cravate suplex. Kingston’s head bounces off the mat with a great deal of impact before he lands flat on the mat.
BJ: CRAVATE SUPLEX!!
SD: HE DROPPED HIM RIGHT ON HIM DOME!!
Hero goes back after the legs, locking in a figure four leg lock again, but Kingston isn’t moving. Referee Jason Verdoes counts the shoulders down to the mat, 1.…2.…3!
BJ: Did he tap??
SD: I think he got knocked out!
The bell sounds, referee Verdoes forces Hero to break the hold. With a bit of a limp himself, Chris Hero gets to his feet. Mel Phillips comes over the public address system with the announcement.
MP: The winner of this match.. And the NEW World Championship Wrestling Alliance UNDISPUTED World Heavyweight champion.. “Your Hero” Chris HERO!
“Kryptonite” by Three Doors Down hits over the P/A system as the crowd rains Hero in boos, as well as a spattering of paper cups and other garbage. Mel Phillips hands in the WCWA World Heavyweight title into Chris Hero, narrowly avoiding a low flying plastic cup in doing so. Hero gasps the title and holds it close to him, almost like a baby would his blanket.
BJ: Hero fought for that title.. He gave it everything he had..
SD: All three men laid their balls on the line here..
BJ: But in the end, it was Chris Hero that came out on top..
Hero turns back to Kingston, who is being helped out of the ring by referees and Robby Mireno. Hero goes over to Kingston, but Mireno leaves Kingston’s side and gets right in the face of Hero. Hero pie faces Mireno to the ground and steps over Kingston, talking trash to the unconscious King of Diamonds.
BJ: Oh, he’s a brave man, talking trash to a knocked out Kingston and beating up on Mireno..
SD: Mireno’s a grown man.. He can take care of himself..
Hero holds the championship belt high over his head over the prone body of Eddie Kingston, striking a symbolic pose as the crowd continues to bombard the ring with garbage.
BJ: There you have it.. Once more, the WCWA has a definitive “top man” and that man is Chris Hero.
SD: But what permanent damage was done to Eddie Kingston here tonight.. And more importantly, what damage was done to Hero?
BJ: Only time will tell.. For “The Franchise” Shane Douglas, Joel Gertner, Chuck Taylor, and everyone here in WCWA, I am “The Mouth of the Mid South” Ben Jordan..
SD: You haven’t earned a nickname yet.
BJ: Signing out.. We’ll see you on Synthetic from Germany!
Hero stands over Kingston with the title in hand victoriously as the Pay Per View fades to black.
BJ: (hardly audible): I think I got this format thing figured out finally..
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