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Why did Adele cross the road? To say Hello from the other side.

I bought some shoes from a dealer last night idk what he laced them with but I was tripping all night...

What was Whitney Houston's favourite type of co-ordination? HAAAAANNNNNNDDDD EEEEEYYYEEEEE

A kid buys 3 Fish and puts them in his tank, after 5 minutes of swimming around inside it the 1 fish says to the other 2 'okay I give up, how do you drive this tank?'

2 cannibals are eating a clown when one of them takes a bite the cannibal spits it out saying 'does this taste funny to you?'

Been told my singing is that bad that I was told never to do Oasis on karaoke again. I thought about it and... I said 'Maybe'

My wife said I never buy her flowers then slapped me when I said I didn't know she sold any...
 
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Premium Member
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I have a couple

What do you cal an an alligator with a vest on ? An investigator


And


A boy is visiting his grandparents and comes running in from outside and says "grandma a snake bit me on the penis , you're gonna have to suck the poison out", and the grandma replies "well then why are you putting it in my ass"


lol so silly
 

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Manic Pixie Dream Girl
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4,777 Posts
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Notre Dame cathedral sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
 

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Manic Pixie Dream Girl
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But wait! There's more!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
 
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