[SheamusO'Shaunessy]

It's just like Rate the song above thread. Only with jokes.


I'll start:
*This guy, Tom, was in debt to a bartender. So he went to him:
"Hey man, is there anything I can do so I don't owe you anymore?"
The bartender thinks.
"Ok, here is what you do:
1.You drink 20 beers, WITHOUT PASSING OUT

2.You fight the rabid dog outside

3.You f**k my 98 year old Mother"

Tom thinks a little.
"Ok, I'll do it"
He starts with the beers. One by one, he drinks em all, without passing out.
"Ok, good, Tom, now the dog."
Tom goes outside.
Vicious screams and howls are heard, but then, Tom returns.
"Ok, I'm done, now where's this old lady I have to fight?"*

 

[nevereveragainu]

 

[That Guy]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest tits.

 

[SheamusO'Shaunessy]

9/10 :lmao :lmao

A a couple (old man, young woman) go to a doctor.
"Doctor, my husband doesn't satisfy me any more."
The doctor thinks a bit:
"Ok, this is what you will do: Next time you have sex, get a young, handsome man, strip him of his clothes, and have him wave a towel at you while you are doing it."

The couple do that, but to no avail.
"Doctor, it didn't work, my husband still didn't satisfy me"
"Ok, this is what you do. Have your husband wave the towel, and let the young man have sex with you"

The couple do that, and the woman was completely satisfied.
After the job was done, the husband says to the young man:
"See? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

 

[That Guy]

I surveyed 100 women about what shampoo they prefered in the shower


the most common answer I recieved was... HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?!

 

[CMWit]

Two men having drinks at a penthouse bar, it is them and the bartender. First guy gets up and walks to a window "man it is a looong way down,[email protected] guy looks out and agrees.
First guy says "$100 that I can climb out step off the ledge and float there cuz it is so windy" 2d guy looks at the bartender who just shrugs his shoulders 2nd guy looks abcks and says "I'll take that bet"
1st guy opens the window, the wind comes blasting through and he proceeds to climb up and out, steps off and does float there.
2nd guy in amazment says "double or nothing I can do it too!" he slaps down another $100 and climbs out ond off the ledge and falls to his death.
1st guy puts the money in his pocket and orders another drink
Bartender says "Man Superman, you're an asshole when you drink"

 

[punx06]

Someone stole my newspaper this morning, so I quickly sneaked next door and took my neighbours.

Now I've calmed down, kidnap may have been excessive.

 

[That Guy]

I was in a pub on saturday night
I had a few to drink
I noticed two large women by the bar
They both had strong accents so I asked - "Are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them replied - "It's Wales you Friken Idiot!"
So I immediately apologized and said...
"Sorry are you two Wales from Scotland?"
That was the last I remember...

 

[Honey Bucket]

What does an angry Mexican do?

He gets jalapeño face.

 

[sesel]

I'll always tell this to my friends.

There's a nun coming down the street and a drunk guy spots her. He runs to her and lands a punch to her face, and another and keeps hitting the poor nun until she's down on the floor. So he looks at her and says:

"I expected more from you,Batman!"

 

[sesel]

Another drunk guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a genius appear. He then ask for a good bottle of whisky that never ends. The genius gives him the bottle and he starts to drink.

"Oh, man that's good"

"You still have two wishes"

"Well, give me two more of this!"

 

[Chi Town Punk]

Another drunk guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a genius appear. He then ask for a good bottle of whisky that never ends. The genius gives him the bottle and he starts to drink.

"Oh, man that's good"

"You still have two wishes"

"Well, give me two more of this!"

Genius lol. Not trying to be mean or anything, but I think u meant "Genie" or "Geanie" as in like the one from Aladin, Genuis is a really smart person.

 

[NoyK]

@ sesel 9/10 :lmao


Hmm speaking of wishes.


Three men travel to a mystical place where there's three magical pools that you can fill up with anything you want, by shouting the wish while you go down a slide.

The three men smile at eachother, and part ways, each one to a pool.

The first guy goes down the slide and shouts "NAKED WOMEN!" - And so the pool gets filled with naked women, making the guy extremelly happy.

The second guy goes down the slide and shouts "BEER!" - And so the pool gets filled with beer, for his joy.

The third guy goes down the slide, but hits and hurts his elbow on the way down, and shouts "SHIT!.." ...

 

[SheamusO'Shaunessy]

*DON'T FORGET TO RATE THE JOKE ABOVE*

10/10 NoyK :lmao :lmao :lmao

A guy goes to his wife and says:
"I have the most beautiful flowers for the most beautiful woman!"
His wife comes rushing to him:
"Wait, where are the most beautiful flowers?"
"Where is the most beautiful woman?"

 

[That Guy]

I paid a fortune teller to read my future, suddenly she got up and ran out of the room... I chased the bitch down ready to hit her with the crystal ball, wanting my money back... I wonder what the fuck she saw in that thing.

 

[sesel]

Genius lol. Not trying to be mean or anything, but I think u meant "Genie" or "Geanie" as in like the one from Aladin, Genuis is a really smart person.

Thanks! I made a mistake maybe because in portuguese the same word can be used for a smart person or the magic one....

 

[sesel]

So there are three guys lost and far away from home and they find a magic lamp and a genie pops out of it

And they have I wish for each one.

The first says: "Send me home! and he appears at home

The second one says: "Send me home too" and he appears at home

The last one says: " I feel so lonely without them! Bring my friends back!"

 

[sesel]

Two friends are drinking at the bar and one says: " Let's go out and bang some prostitutes"

They leave and one them pass out, so the other guy decide to take him home instead of going to the prostitutes.

The guy rings the door bell and the other one return to consciousness, when the door opens, he says:


"Man, what a disgusting whore!"

So ashamed, the other one replies:
"Dude, it's not a whore, it's my mother!"

"Oh sorry, dude, I'll bang her in name of our friendship!"

 

[That Guy]

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind girl get for Christmas?

Cancer


When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth... the Fourth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

 

[ThePeoplezStunner3]

Why did The chicken cross the road ? To get to the other side :lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol