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Trump and Macron will Rule the World
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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Ok so the idea behind this thread is that Vince McMahon is found dead and Paul Levesque had to immediately takeover the company. Rosters are the same (for now) so I don't need to do too much of an introduction. I finished the first show so here it is. I wrote it as if I myself am the show's recapper for a website like the Wrestling Observer or w/e.

WWE Raw is WAR - January 1st, 2018 - I Love You, Pop
Recap by GOON

The Big News: Vince McMahon is dead lmao. Also Hulk Hogan returned and attacked IWGP Heavyweight Champion Kazuchika Okada

The first Raw is War of 2018 opens up with THE GAME~! Triple H and Stephanie McMahon standing in the ring. Commentators Michael Cole, Corey Graves, and Booker T make no mention of the show’s name change. In fact they don’t talk at all, obviously distraught at the passing of Vince McMahon at the stroke of midnight. It takes Triple H a few moments to pull himself together before beginning his eulogy.

The crowd pops upon Triple H announcing that Vince McMahon was found dead in his bed by gay lover Sin Cara. Triple H tries to continue his promo but the crowd breaks out in a “Fuck you Roman!” chant before devolving into singing “Na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye!” Truly a rebellious sign of disrespect from the WWE Universe. Triple H flies into a rage and says that he’s sick of British wrestling fans polluting the minds of American wrestling crowds and that he’s banning British fans from attending WWE shows until “we can figure out what the hell is going on!” Amazingly, the crowd cheers this.

“However, we must move on,” Triple H continued. “Pop would want the show to go on. But first I must divorce my wife.” A trapdoor opens and Stephanie plummets to her death. “Ok, now we can move on. As the new owner of WWE, I am closing down NXT and buying New Japan Pro Wrestling and there is nothing you fat fucks can do about it. Wrestle Kingdom is cancelled btw.”

Triple H drinks in the crowd’s boos. He’s clearly become drunk with power. I guess Lord Acton had a point. Triple H then reveals that he was the one who killed Vince McMahon and that President Trump has already granted him a Presidential pardon. Whoever wrote this clearly blew his load in the first segment.

Triple H’s final remark is that all women are fired outside of Paige “for obvious reasons.” Locker room morale, Triple H asserted, is very important in such a trying time.

Before Triple H can leave the ring, Booker T appears behind him and knocks him down. He calls for a referee to run down to the ring. World-class sprinter Charles Robinson did what he does best and the first match of the NEW ERA~! begins.

Match#1: Triple H vs. Booker T
This match went on for a long while, especially when one considers that both men were wrestling in suits, with Triple H dressed to play the role of Chairman and Booker T dressed to do commentary. David Otunga replaced Booker T on commentary but thankfully they were having an audio problem on the truck so all we heard was Corey Graves making snide remarks every few seconds. Amazingly, it seemed that the announcers were not made aware of said problem, so Grave’s snide remarks were heard without any context. What a fucking train wreck this show has been so far.
The match lasted through two commercial breaks and even though it was horrendous, the WWE crowd still chanted “THIS IS AWESOME~!” towards the end because that’s what they do in a match with more than two kick-outs during the final stretch. Booker T went for the Harlem Hangover but missed and probably tore his quad like an idiot. Triple H then grabbed a sledgehammer and whacked Booker T in the head with it. This was not a disqualification because there are no fucking rules in this post-Vince anarchic environment. Triple H then placed his foot on Booker T’s chest as Charles Robinson counted the pinfall. Alas, ole’ Booker could not avenge his defeat at Wrestlemania XIX.
Winner: Triple H via pinfall in 24:52 (*3/4)
II: The Bucks of Youth and Tokens
WOAH! After the match THE YOUNG BUCKS hit the ring and gave Booker T the Meltzer Driver. Matt Jackson grabbed a microphone and challenged Brock Lesnar for the WWE Universal Championship. However, Matt made it clear that he himself was not challenging Brock…it was the YOUNG BUCKS who would be challenging Brock Lesnar!
In the midst of this truly historic challenge, Byron Saxton attacked David Otunga at the announce desk. I guess that the producers got their signals crossed or whatever. Byron Saxton declared that he was the “true black ring announcer! Chaos aside, it looks like we’re getting Saxton vs. Otunga at the Royal Rumble to decide who the true token commentator is once and for all.

III: Love and War
ALBERTO DEL RIO makes his return and the crowd doesn’t react at all. The crowd was so silent, in fact, that the viewer could hear Del Rio turning his car off and removing his key from the ignition before entering the ring. He says that he’s back for one reason: Paige. Del Rio wants Paige back in his life and he will beat up one British wrestler a week until she takes him back. This week, Del Rio calls out Finn Balor. Finn Balor obliges and tells Del Rio that he is, in fact, Irish, not British. Del Rio reminds Balor that Ireland was once part of the British Empire, thus making him British. Balor acknowledges this but informs Del Rio that he’s from the Republic of Ireland and not Northern Ireland. Del Rio gets in a ZINGER~! when he tells Balor that the “British still own your soul.” The crowd goes “ohhhhhh,” knowing that Finn Balor was just totally owned. Alberto Del Rio continues the Great American Tradition of insulting the Irish. Balor turns red and the match begins.

Match#2: Alberto Del Rio vs. Finn Balor
This match was fine. In the words of Bryan Alvarez, it was “a match.” They fought, nobody cared, and the crowd turned their attention to a beach ball to entertain themselves. However, a rude fan (probably British himself) popped the beach ball. However, the arena was so silent that it sounded like a gun shot (and being in America you can never be too sure) and panic broke out. Del Rio, Balor, and the referee ducked for cover. This was only a momentary distraction, as Del Rio super kicked Balor in the face, knocking the Irishman out for the three count.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio via pinfall in 09:30 (**1/2)
IV: Random Backstage Incidents

Recapper’s Note: In the interest of conciseness, I will list all isolated backstage segments here that took place throughout the show and didn’t lead to anything for the rest of the show.

The TRUTH about R-Truth (and Goldust Starts a Podcast): R-Truth is hanging out backstage when Goldust approaches him. Goldust hands R-Truth an envelope and tells him that next week, LIVE~! on Raw is War, he is invited to be the first guest on Goldust’s new podcast that will take place in THIS VERY RING~! R-Truth accepts. Goldust proceeds to tell R-Truth that take a paternity test live on the podcast. Goldust then kicks him in the balls and walks off. Who is R-Truth’s child?!

The Young Lion: A vignette is shown promoting the debut of a man by the name of “Young Boy Phil.” Much like R-Truth’s love child, Young Boy Phil, too, will be making his debut NEXT WEEK~!

Triple H displays CTE symptoms: Triple H tells us that he forgot to mention that Smackdown Live is cancelled. Get fucked Jinder lmao.

V: Wrestle Kingdom but in America
CHRIS JERICHO comes out. “Kenny, you son of a bitch, I know you’re back there!” he yells. Wait, how would he know that if he didn’t already see him? If Jericho already saw him, why is he cutting this promo? This show sucks. Anyway, Jericho goes on to demand that his IWGP United States Championship match takes place “right here, right now!” Sure enough, KENNY OMEGA comes out to accept Jericho’s challenge. Omega is dressed as Master Chief like a fucking GEEK~!

NO DQ Match for the IWGP United States Championship: (C) Kenny Omega vs. Chris Jericho
This was a fight to say the very least. Omega took off his Master Chief helmet and tossed it at Chris Jericho for a near fall as soon as the bell rang. Jericho rolls out of the ring and Kenny once again throws the Master Chief helmet at a retreating Jericho. Jericho was pelted right in the skull with the helmet and he was concussed for the rest of the match. Jericho was also bleeding as a result of Omega’s weaponized usage of the Master Chief helmet. The typical “ECW” chant breaks out but is soon replaced by plebs chanting “This is Awesome~!” for a match that isn’t more than a minute old.
Omega and Jericho brawl on the outside of the ring for a few minutes and nothing really happens until Jericho kicks Omega in the balls. Jericho then looks underneath the ring and grabs a Barbed Wire 2x4. He rakes it across Omega’s face, busting him open hardway. Both men are bleeding and the Internet geeks are finally satisfied.
They go through a series of crowd pleasing spots before reaching the climax. Jericho lights a table on fire but Omega stops Jericho before he can be tossed through it. Like a complete idiot, Omega tries to give Jericho the One-Winged Angel through the flaming table. Jericho fights out of it and shoves Omega off of the top rope, who does a flip before CRASHING THROUGH THE FLAMING TABLE~! Are you not entertained?! After all of this, the match ends when Jericho rolls Omega up in a small package and holds the ropes for leverage. Yes, a match that included barbed wire and a flaming table ends with a small package. GREAT~!
Winner and NEW IWGP United States Champion: Chris Jericho via pinball in 32:34 (****3/4)​

After the match, Chris Jericho tells Kenny that he must now go by the ring name of “Kenny Beta.” Sick own.

VI: The Rainmaker, The Big Dawg, the Bad News, and the Real American
KAZUCHIKA OKADA’S music hits when we return from the final commercial break and the IWGP Heavyweight Champion comes out with GEDO by his side. Okada cuts a basic promo in broken English about how he wants to “make it rain around the world” yada yada yada. But then ROMAN REIGNS’ music hits and THE BIG DAWG~! comes out. Trash is thrown at the polarizing superstar. A can hits Roman in the head, causing him to bleed. But this does not deter Roman and he enters the ring while busted open. Roman points to the heavens before cutting his promo, as if to thank Vince McMahon for his entire career.

Roman Reigns cuts to the chase and tells Okada that he is challenging him for the IWGP Heavyweight Championship at the Royal Rumble. Okada seems ready to accept but is interrupted by the declaration from an unseen man that he has some “BAD NEWS~!”

HOLY SHIT, IT’S BAD NEWS BARRETT~! Barrett ascends to the rafters in a scaffold and informs Roman Reigns that he’s been suspended forever for testing positive for steroids. Bad News Barrett loudly cackles as he pounds his gavel, declaring Roman Reigns to be guilty. The Big Dawg returned to his home planet, never to be seen again.

The show seems to be over but HULK HOGAN attacks Kazuchika Okada from behind! The HULKSTER~! is in the building! Gedo tries to intervene but Hogan throws the little man over the top rope. Hogan then teases a leg drop on Okada but stops, working the marks. Hogan instead holds up the IWGP Heavyweight Championship before saying these words to close the show: “See you at the Rumble, brother!”

Confirmed for NEXT WEEK
~ The debut of Goldust’s podcast and the results of R-Truth’s paternity test.
~ ”Young Lion Phil” makes his WWE debut.
~ The second week of Alberto Del Rio harassing British people.
~ Brock Lesnar confronts the Young Bucks

WWE Royal Rumble - January 28th, 2018

30 Man Royal Rumble (obviously)

IWGP World Heavyweight Championship
© Kazuchika Okada vs. Hulk Hogan

Handicap Match for the WWE Universal Championship
© Brock Lesnar vs. The Young Bucks

Raw Announcer Spot on the Line
Byron Saxton vs. David Otunga
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