Mistakes made and SJW shaming me - story inside

I am going to post more but I just wanna say I have been a victim of what has been going on in the media the last two years.


It all stated five years ago. I was not the same person back then. I had dealt a lot with emotional and personal issues in my life. In short I was not a good or decent person at times. I hit on every woman I could find (sadly even some I shouldn't have). I wouldn't FORCE myself on them (as they claimed) but I was flirting hard. I will admit I had a GF/Fiance at the time (who at that point I would tell each time I did it cause of shame). For me it was a dark few years in my life.

To be frank I knew why I did those things. I didn't want sex or another person on the side. It was about the attention. I realize that due to being abandoned by my father, mother, etc., that I craved attention and that was how I dealt with it as an adult.

During that time I was building a gaming event (saying the name is rough but it dealt with Smash Bros...you can look it up). It had become, until last year, the largest smash centric event in gaming history. During the past two years I had decided that I needed to get my life together and begin pushing myself to get medical and mental help. I had apologized to all the women I could and turned my life around at that point. If they wouldn't talk to me I accepted that the potential friendship was ruined. Even then I still had issues with my gf at the time and sometimes when we argued and broke up I went astray but I always tried to keep myself together.

To go into what happened I have to give some additional context. During that year a lot of issues happened in game selection. There was a modded game known as Project M. The previous year (2014) we made a cap of entrants to make sure things would be ok. when the cap was hit we were then pressured by the community to add more. This was, in-part, due to the death threats and harassment that I received. Harassment being text bombs (1000+ texts a day) to a point I would shut off my phone at times.

The current year that made things worse was in 2015 when we decided to NOT have Project M. This eventually was due to a partnership with Nintendo (Project M is a MODDED version of Super Smash Bros. Brawl). This partnership was supported by then sponsor Twitch.TV. During the shit storm, Twitch did NOT support us in anyway and let me and my staff essentially bare the cross. We got a LARGE amount of death threats, the person in charge of Super Smash Bros. Brawl (a female) received rape threats on her Ask.FM and a lot worse things I cannot mention on my phone. So from there I just was hated on many levels. Twitch NEVER did give us the public support but told us to stay the course. Nintendo didn't even give us the help we thought they would and just stayed in the shadows.

I put that into context cause in Jan I was accused of sexual harassment. Instead of allowing me to talk about what happened I was told by Twitch and various others to not talk. I wanted to explain that I did make mistakes years ago but I had changed. I did not BRAG about my changes. I talked to people face to face ( a concept unknown to gamers I suppose) and said I was going to change and I just did it. There were some who posted half filled conversations where I made mistakes (again most of these were at the time at least 2-4 years old). I was told multiple times not to say anything and that it will be handled.

It wasn't. I woke up the next day to find out I had "stepped down" from my position and lost everything I had worked years for. Now what is upsetting about this? My friend went to those who accused me and shamed me and said "why do this now 2 weeks before the event?" their answer was "it was the right time." He pressured them to find out why it was the right time and got no where. Here is what made it interesting. He asked them if I had apologized and changed and they said "yes". So it makes me wonder if I changed and got my shit together and I HUNG OUT WITH MANY OF YOU AT PRIOR EVENTS WITHOUT INCIDENT why make this public. I will go into theories but let me explain how much I lost.
Lost my event I spent 10 + Years of my life making
Lost my sanity and entered into a mental hospital
Became Sucidal because all my friends either blocked me or stop talking to me.
Lost THOUSANDS of dollars to the point I am in depth
Lost all my self respect and mental stablity.

The list goes on and on. So now I am on a see-saw debating whether or not I continue to cut my legs and choke myself or just say fuck it and finish it.

I begged people to help me and twitch did not. I begged for the truth to be let out. That this was done to ruin the event...no one wanted to help...I was abandoned by everyone I love. My gf who I stayed true and close to through her bout with cancer just up and left and decided she would rather not deal with my depression and my darkest hour and live in her own little fucking world. Now all I have is posting on this damn forum from time to time.

You don't understand how these people can ruin your lives. How they essentially used my past (which btw not many knew about but the people who started this magically knew who to talk to) which I made a goal to fix and ammend for to destroy my event and me.

Now I have nothing. Maybe it's my fault, maybe I should suffer, but I don't know anymore. I go to the police and BEG for help and get laughed at...let me say that I know for a FACT it was a plan to ruin us cause of jealousy (from various people cause I did not think they were up to par with what my vision was) to people upset over a fucking game. At this point I do not know.

I am sorry I brought this upon your group. I have still be told not to talk about it. Twitch has not given most of the money owed to players that won and to companies that the EVENT/ME paid for and expected a reimbursement from them. They would rather me go to hell than do what they promised.

Even my so called best friend, who is a famous commentator named D1, who crashed my mothers fucking car cause he wanted to see his mom and gave me whiplash cause he fell asleep at the wheel...the person who my mom wanted to pay for the damages and never did cause I convinced my mom to just let it go and which set my mother back a fuck load, he turned his back and just doesn't talk to me.

There are people I can go on and on about. People that I had arguments with and said sorry that posted HALF of the convo just to ruin me further. There is so much pain I have...so many urges to hang myself and die.

I've lost all track of my sanity. Sometimes the walls change color, sometimes my mind remembers things differently...sometimes I deserve to go through more pain...I can't get back what I love...everyone sees me as this demon for hitting on women...I never forced anyone over the fucking internet.

So ya that is what SJW did to me...like I said...I just don't know anymore about my own life.