UWU Velocity
Date: January 6th, 2006
Commentator(s): Joey Styles
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Venue: United Center
UWU Velocity’s theme song, “We Still Kill The Old Way” by the lostprophets is blasting through loud and clear on the PA system in Chicago, Illinois at the Union Center.
Styles: “Hello everyone and welcome, to United Wrestling Union Velocity. I am your host Joey Styles here to bring you the best of wrestling on Friday Night’s. UWU has come HERE, to Chicago, Illinois and to the United Center, home to the Chicago Bulls! I don’t have much time to talk for Velocity’s general manager is scheduled to come out and make an announcement!”
”This Is Extreme” hits on the PA and the crowd goes bananas!
Styles: “Well it came sooner then expected! Here is Velocity’s general manager Paul Heyman!”
Paul Heyman walks out of the smoked stage with a microphone in hand and smiles to the crowd. He starts walking to the ring, in a suit and tie, and his New York Yankees baseball hat. Heyman makes it to the ring and climbs the steel steps, and enters the ring. The general manager walks around as the fans cheer. He stops in the middle of the ring facing the camera.
Heyman: “Welcome to UWU Friday Night Velocity!”
Crowd gives a nice pop.
Heyman: “In case you didn’t know already, I am your general manager, Paul Heyman. And just to let you know, and keep you satisfied, I will do what I have been doing for all my life. In my time in ECW, I made a revolution. In my time in OVW, I made sell-out shows. And now, I have come to UWU. And I promise you, in my time at UWU, I will make you say, I will make you wear, I will make you believe, I LOVE WRESTLING!”
Crowd gives a giant pop this time.
Heyman: “But enough of trying to put myself over. (Laughes) The real reason I came out here is to tell all your fans what is happening tonight. First we will start off with one hell of a debut match. A triple threat stand off between Colt Cabana, Jack Union, and Matt Striker!”
Pop for Cabana and Striker mainly. Not many people have heard of Union.
Heyman: “Also after that, another triple threat match will take place, but in ECW style. It will be another classic stand off between Super Crazy, Tajiri, and Little Guido!”
Big pop from ECW fans.
Heyman: “And then after that, you know, I’m thinking of holding a tournament. Maybe for the, uhhhh, UWU Pure Wrestling Championship?”
Big pop for the championship tournament
Heyman: “As I can see, you guys are sure ready to see that. So lets go with, a 16 man tournament, two matches for the round each show, and then the winners will face off on the 27th of this month, what do you guys think about THAT!?”
Even bigger pop now that it is official.
Heyman: “Well good, now that that is settled lets get on with the show shall we!?”
Big pop from the crowd as the ECW theme music hits once again and Heyman leaves the ring, He walks up the ramp, but stops suddenly in the middle. He stands there speaking to himself and turns around.
Heyman: “Oh god, oh god Paul, you are getting so old forgetting things like this. I almost forgot, TONIGHT IN THE MAIN EVENT WILL BE THE UWU HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP ON THE LINE IN A 10 MAN KNOCK OUT MATCH! HAVE A GOOD DAY EVERYONE!”
This pop right after Heyman said that was unbelievable. The fans were estatic, nuts, crazy waiting for this first ever 10-man knock out hardcore match for the UWU Hardcore championship to begin. But with all good things, there is a price. The fans had to wait for all the other great matches to finish in order to get to the hardcore match!
Styles: “What!? A 10 man hardcore knock out match! This is unbelievable! Heyman! Heyman what a genius. Man, if I were in your shoes fans, I would stick around for the rest of the show, because it’s going to be a dozy! Stay tuned!”
*Commercial Break telling the viewers at home the next three week schedule. Velocity is to be in Springfield, Illinois next week. After that UWU Velocity heads off to St. Louis, Missouri. After that the show will be LIVE from Springfield, Missouri!*
Styles: “Hello everyone and welcome back to UWU Velocity coming to you LIVE from the United Center in Chicago, Illinois! If you missed it before, General Manager of Velocity, Mr. Paul Heyman just made one hell of an announcement, wait, make that two! First off there is to be a 16 man tournament for the UWU Pure Wrestling Championship! But even better for you hardcore wrestling fans, TONIGHT the main event is to be the first ever 10-man knock out hardcore match! I can’t wait! But to get the wrestling part of the show on the road, the first match of the night is a triple threat match between Colt Cabana, Jack Union, and Matt Striker!”
Colt Cabana’s independent music starts on the PA and the smarks that were fans of RoH cheer loudly as Colt Cabana walks out to the stage. He continues to walk while he raises his arms and goes to the ring giving fans high fives down the ramp. He slides in the ring and walks to the far turnbuckle, climbs it, and raises his arms once again. After he steps down, William Regal’s music starts on the PA system. Most of the fans jeer as the partly unknown Jack Union comes out to the ring accompanied by William Regal. Jack Union, dressed in a British flag wrestling attire, stops on stage, and salutes the fans with Regal laughing behind him. They slowly make their way to the ring, and Union slides in while Regal walks around the outside of the ring. Union salutes the fans once again getting mixed reactions from the UWU fans. Lastly, Matt Striker’s music starts on the PA and gets once again a mixed reaction. He comes to the ring with Christopher Nowinski behind him. Matt Striker walks to the ring with Christopher, both telling the fans that they are just dumbasses and they don’t know who they are booing at or cheering for. Nowinski also stays out of the ring, and Striker enters it with Cabana in one of the corners keeping an eye on Nowinski and Regal. All men start circling each other and the ring while the bell is rung.
Singles Match
Colt Cabana vs. Jack Union w/William Regal vs. Matt Striker w/Christopher Nowinski
It was a fantastic technical match with all the smarks standing to their feet clapping for the performers. But thusly it had to come to an end. The ending started with Union and Cabana fighting on the outside, while Striker was standing with Nowinski regaining stamina. Regal seemed to look like he was trying to get a few cheap shots in on Cabana, but the UWU referee kept a close eye on him. Striker though, was not being watched by anyone it seemed, and Nowinski silently and swiftly slipped him some brass knuckles. Cabana kneed Union in the stomach, hooked both his arms, and double underhook arm DDTed him into the floor! Cabana got a nice pop, turned around, and BAM! Colt went flying back to the barricades after Striker nailed him with the knucks straight to the his face! Regal, being the cheating master that he is, noticed the brass knuckles, and was beginning to point them out of the referee, but BAM! Once again Striker nailed him with the brass knuckles with Nowinski laughing behind Striker. All that was left was Union who was just lieing on the floor. Jack was dragged up by his short hair, and BAM! Striker nailed him also, cleaning up the house. Jack was dragged into the ring, bleeding from the face, likewise were Regal and Cabana. Striker dropped the brass knuckles while pushing Union in the ring, and Nowinski quickly picked them up with the fans booing. Matt pinned Union right away, and with a simple 1, 2 and 3, Striker had picked up the victory!
Winner: Matt Striker
Styles:”Damnit! Damn that Matt Striker! Damn that Christopher Nowinski! Damn those brass knuckles. Matt Striker just stooped to the lowest level and cheated his way to victory, ruining what was to be one of the best matches I have ever seen!”
Christopher Nowinski slide into the ring and pushed the referee away from Striker. Christopher raised Matt’s left hand, and after about 5 seconds hugged him with both of them laughing, and then told the referee to get him the microphone. Both men smiled for a moment, until a microphone was slide in the ring. Nowinski picked it up and then spoke.
Nowinski: “(Laughing) As you can see right there, we have out smarted you idiot fans, that idiot ref, and this whole dumbass company! Regal, you dumbass, you had the chance to tell the referee, but your dumb British ass was just too slow to figure out what to say. “Er derrrr, I’m William Regal. Did you see that-“ and BAM! Right in the face! Hahaha, that’s right Matt, that’s right. We ARE, THE SMARTEST WRESTLERS IN THE WORLD!”
Styles: “Damn him! Hell, if he didn’t have those brass knuckles locked and loaded, I would walk down to the ring myself and beat the crap out of that cheater.”
Nowinski dropped the microphone, still laughing with Matt, and both of them left the ring. The referee was still checking on the other three men as the titantron goes backstage where Maria is standing backstage with Little Guido. He is checking his hair as Maria starts to speak.
Maria: “So, Little Guido, now that my job doesn’t depend on me being a dumbass, I’m here to ask you the tough questions. So to get started, are you ready for your triple threat match with Super Crazy and Tajiri?”
Little Guido: “Am I ready? Am I ready Maria? Hell, every time I have this same damn match, I am ready! This is going to be the third time that I have this match, and you don’t think that I am ready!?”
Maria: “Well, considering that the other two times you have had this match, you lost every time, even with the F.B.I. in your corner, how do you expect to win?”
Little Guido: “The past? Forget about the past. In the past, I was part of a stable called the Full Blooded Italians, or the F.B.I. as you just mentioned. In the past, the F.B.I. would always, ALWAYS cost me the match. This time, I am preparing with myself, and I am preparing right. Italians never walk away from a fight losing. But the F.B.I. would always walk away. You wanna know why? None of those damn guys were Italian. So tonight, I plan to restore my heritage, not embarrass it, and win.”
Little Guido then walks of shaking up and down, stretching his body. Maria looks at him walk off, and then back at the camera.
Maria: “Well as you can see Joey, Little Guido is as fired up as ever, and I can imagine Super Crazy and Tajiri are fired up as well. It’s sure to be one hell of a showdown, Joey?”
Styles: “Thanks Maria and I am going to be a lot of money it is. So stay tuned, because right after this commercial break, it’s going to be another classic match between Super Crazy, Tajiri, and Little Guido!”
*Commercial Break promoting UWU and other companies*
Triple Threat Match
Super Crazy vs. Tajiri vs. Little Guido
As always, all three men’s chemistry starts working fantastically instantly and the match has been a sure crowd pleaser. Sadly, there had to be an end, and it happened as follows. Little Guido and Tajiri were going at it on the outside. And out of no where, Super Crazy is running along side the apron, stops in front of both men, jumps on the second rope, and flies backwards into a moonsault onto both men! The crowd goes nuts as all three men remain down. The referee is looking onward as Super Crazy starts pulling himself up with the help of the steel barricades. Crazy finally gets to his feet, suddenly feels an adrenaline rush, and slides right into the ring. He runs to the other side and grabs his lower right arm with his left hand and the crowd gives a great pop for the Mexican high-flyer. Super Crazy waits for the men to get up, bending down his hands on his knees. Both Tajiri and Little Guido slowly make their way up, appearing as they don’t seem to know where they are, and then Super Crazy pounces! Crazy runs to the other side and dives in between the top and middle rope to the outside nailing both men! The crowd is ecstatic as all men are just lying on the outside. The crowd begins to chant, “Holy shit, holy shit!” as still none of the men are moving. But then, there is an inch of movement. Little Guido pulls himself from under Super Crazy, and seems to be talking to himself. He makes his way slowly to his feet, and pulls up Super Crazy. He pushes him into the ring, and beginning to pin him! 1…2…3! Super Crazy is eliminated! Super Crazy pretty much sacrificed his own body in order to get both men injured, but appeared to injure himself more in the process, and Little Guido took advantage! The fans jeer loudly at Guido who drags himself up with the help of the ropes and raises his arm. Tajiri finally makes his way up, stumbles around to see what is going on, and then is hit on the back! Little Guido body pressed him from the inside of the ring to the outside, landing on Tajiri! The fans cheer for the effort of Little Guido this time. Tajiri just seems to be knocked out, as Little Guido makes his way up. Guido drags Tajiri into the ring, and picks him up slowly. The true Italian ten climbs the turnbuckle, and jumps off, leg dropping Tajiri’s head, thusly hitting his finisher, the Sicilian Slice! Tajiri is pushed over on his back and Little Guido pins him, getting the 1, 2, 3!
Winner: Little Guido
Styles: “Who would have suspected it? Who would have though that Little Guido could get himself a win without the Full Blooded Italians? All he had to do was take advantage whenever the opportunity came, and by god, he did it.”
The referee raises little Guido’s arm and he raises his other arm by himself. He points to himself after the referee let’s go, and he shouts out, “You see here, all by myself, all by myself.”
Styles: “Ladies and gentlemen, you have seen two fantastic matches so far, who says the other three later tonight are going to get worse. They only get better folks, so stick around!”
*Commercial promoting UWU Monday Night Madness and other companies*
Styles: “Welcome back everyone to UWU Velocity. As you just saw before, it was a phenomenal match between Little Guido, Super Crazy, and Tajiri. Guido had finally come out with a victory, getting the record in that classic series to 1-1-1, one win apiece.”
The screen cuts backstage to The Boogeyman sitting in a dark room with candles lit around him. Doink the Clown is sitting next to him.
Boogeyman: “Now Doink, you can be accepted into the darkness.”
Doink just smiles at The Boogeyman, as he starts to chant. Suddenly, there is a large bang and a giant light that seems to be coming from the outside appears on them. The Boogeyman’s eyes just light up in fear, and he stands up and runs off to the other side! Doink looks back at the light, in confusion, and on screen walk Sean O’Haire and Tyson Tomko.
O’Haire: “Tomko, what the hell is this?”
Tomko: “I don’t know man.”
O’Haire: “Well obviously it looks like some Satan worshiping sanctorum.”
Tomko: “Oh, I thought it was a gangbang.”
O’Haire: “Shut it. What the hell are you doing here Doink?”
Doink just looks at him and shrugs.
O’Haire: “Oh, you know what you are doing here. You think you can just worship Satan huh? You think that The Boogeyman wants to be your friend or something?”
Doink starts to frantically shaking his head from side to side signaling ‘no’.
O’Haire: “Well if you want to do that so bad, why don’t you come with me?”
O’Haire laughs, and Tomko picks up the panicking clown. They drag him out of the room. The camera zooms to the black of the room where two eyes and a bright smile are seen.
Styles: “Worshiping Satan? What the hell is going on here?”
Low Ki’s music starts on the PA and the smarks in the crowd cheer for the martial arts master. Low Ki walks out to the stage and just walks towards the ring, and enters it. He runs around the squared circle, bouncing off the ropes, and stretching his muscles. Next Sexxxy Eddy’s music starts on the PA and the smarks once again cheer. Sexxxy Eddy walks out on the stage, does a little dance, and the lady fans cheer for him. He struts to the ring, and climbs on the apron. He does a little dance once again, and enters the ring. Low Ki stares at him, almost laughing.
Singles Match – UWU Pure Wrestling Championship Tournament Qualifying Match
Low Ki vs. Sexxxy Eddy
Low Ki pretty much dominated the match the whole time. Being the martial arts master that he is, he countered most of Sexxxy Eddy’s moves, and got a lot of swift kicks and punches in. The finale of the match came down to Eddy being totally defenseless. He is stubling around the ring, and Low Ki walks up, and just starts delivering quick kicks to the legs and lower torso of Sexxxy Eddy. But suddeny, Eddy just stumbles, and drops down to the mat. He is holding tightly to his legs, and Low Ki just picks him up. Once again Low Ki delivers more kicks, and Sexxxy Eddy falls. Low Ki drags him up again, and the sequence repeats. Low Ki picks him up for a final time, looks at Sexxxy Eddy, laughs, grabs him, and hits the Ki Krusher ’99! 1..2..3! Low Ki grabs the easy victory.
Winner and advances to the quarter finals: Low Ki
Low Ki’s arm is raised, and after the referee puts it down, he looks on at the exhausted Sexxxy Eddy, but just leaves the ring.
Styles: “Well as you can see, Low Ki pretty much just dominated Sexxxy Eddy. Will the next match in the tournament be just like that, stick around to find out!”
*Commercial Break promoting the UWU Pure Wrestling Championship Tournament and other companies*
We come back to the show with the camera backstage. Sexxxy Eddy is sitting in a medical room with he medic checking on his legs. Val Venis is seen passing by the room while Sexxxy Eddy is in agony. Val’s head is then seen peaking into the room, and he enters now with a big smile on his face.
Venis: “Hey Eddy!”
He slaps Eddy’s left leg really hard and Eddy screams.
Venis: “I saw you match earlier. Very, very well done out there. I liked your quick defense moves. ANYWAYS… I have to go to my match. I just thought I would congratulate you on your excellent wrestling skills. But you know, I guess you aren’t so sexy anymore huh?”
Val just walks out of the room laughing at him while Sexxxy Eddy is still sitting there with a pissed look on his face.
Paul London’s theme music starts on the PA as his titantron movie starts. The fans cheer for the charismatic young wrestler as he runs from behind the curtains to the ring. He slides in and jumps up screaming. The fans clap for him, and then…. “Hello ladies…”. Val Venis’ music starts on the PA and the fans, especially the lady fans cheer. He comes to the ring, with his usual white towel wrapped around his waste. He does a sensual taunt to the crowd, and walks to the ring. He slides in, climbs the turnbuckle, takes the towel off sensually, and then throws it in the crowd to a lucky female fan as the match starts.
Singles Match – UWU Pure Wrestling Championship Tournament Qualifying Match
Paul London vs. Val Venis
Just like the last match, one person dominated it. And that person before talked the talk, and he proved it by walking the walk. If you don’t know already, it was Val Venis. He pretty much dominated Paul London the whole match. While Paul had his spots, Venis had more. The match was pretty short actually, and ended with Venis suplexing London by the turnbuckle, and then climbing the top rope, flying off it, and landing on London successfully connecting with the Money Shot. Venis then pulled his leg up for the 1, 2, 3.
Winner and advances to the quarter finals: Val Venis
Styles: “Well as you can see so far these matches in the UWU Pure Wrestling Championship Tournament have been nothing but domination matches. Hopefully next week we can see some real intense action in the tournament.”
The referee raises Venis’ arm, and then he climbs the turnbuckle, and does his taunt again. He jumps off as we go to another commercial break.
*Commercial Break promoting Monday Night Madness once again and some other companies.*
Styles: “Welcome back to UWU Velocity. I am Joey Styles commentating as always on Velocity, but I must say that now the time has come. The main events of the night, the 10 man hardcore knock out match for the UWU Hardcore Championship!”
10-Man Hardcore Knock Out Match For The UWU Hardcore Championship
Chris Masters vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Sandman vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. New Jack vs. Masato Tanaka vs. Mike Awesome vs. Doug Basham vs. The Boogeyman vs. Sean O’Haire
This match was brutal. Fucking brutal I must say. Any weapon you can think of was used. Chairs, tables, fire extinguishers, cheese graters, barbed wire, ANYTHING! The first eight eliminated were…
Doug Basham
The Boogeyman
Chris Masters
Masato Tanaka
Mike Awesome
Sandman
Rob Van Dam
Sean O’Haire
All that was left was Tommy Dreamer and New Jack. They were both bleeding abruptly and profusely. The fans were already into the match more then any match anyone had ever seen. Even some of the fans were telling them to stop it or someone will get hurt. The wrestlers just ignored them, and both Dreamer and Jack went face to face. They started to talk smack, and then Tommy Dreamer slapped New Jack. Blood went flying, and New Jack turned his head to Tommy Dreamer, and then pushes his 2x4 piece of wood with barbed wire on it into his stomach. Dreamer took a fall to the canvas, and then New Jack picked up a chair. BOOM! Right to the head! BOOM! Right to the torso! BOOM! Right to the legs! The fans were now going wild as New Jack then climbed the turnbuckle, and raised the chair high and screamed. He was up there for about 20 seconds, taunting the crowd and regaining breath and energy. But in the time, Dreamer had pulled himself together quicker then anyone had ever seen after being hit by chair shots, and stood up behind New Jack. He then tapped New Jack on the back, and New Jack turned around in amazement. BOOM! New Jack fell straight to the canvas on his back after Tommy Dreamer low blowed him! Dreamer then stood in the middle of the ring laughing as the fans went nuts for the hardcore legend. Dreamer hit himself in the head, and dropped down to pin New Jack. He then stood up after the referee did nothing. He seemed to have forgotten that this was a knock out match. Dreamer laughed, and then picked up New Jack. He got the chair New Jack had dropped looked at it, and then BLAM! RIGHT IN THE FACE! He told the referee to check if he was knocked out. The referee dropped down, and raised his arm once. It fell. Twice, if fell again. And then the last time, and fell! Tommy Dreamer had successfully knocked out New Jack!
Winner and NEW UWU Hardcore Champion: Tommy Dreamer
Styles: “OH MY GAHD! Tommy Dreamer IS your NEW UWU Hardcore Champion! What an unbelievable hardcore match. Someone get medics down there right away! WOW. I am still utterly shocked! The chair shot was brutal! Well I am sorry to say that we have no more time left. Thanks for joining us tonight and please don’t forget to watch UWU Velocity next week! Goodnight!”
The screen the fades out on Tommy Dreamer staring at New Jack, bloody as hell, smiling.
Quick Results
Matt Striker def. Jack Union, Colt Cabana
Little Guido def. Super Crazy, Tajiri
Low Ki def. Sexxxy Eddy
Val Venis def. Paul London
Tommy Dreamer def. 10 Other Men
amn right king
