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What would the card look like? I'd say
* Jon Stewart (c) vs Brock Lesnar vs Dean Ambrose vs Heel Roman Reigns w/Paul Heyman - WWE Title: Just as it appears Roman Reigns is going to become champion, DEAN AMBROSE AND PAUL HEYMAN COST HIM THE MATCH!! Ambrose then lays down and allows Jon Stewart to pin him, as Heyman, Stewart and Ambrose celebrate triumphantly. But wait! Lesnar goes on a rampage, putting Ambrose through the Spanish announce table, breaking Paul Heymans arm before F5'ING JON STEWART THROUGH THE RING!! Lesnar then delivers a scathing shoot promo, saying keeping the belt on a celebrity is harming the credibility of the business. Lesnar is then ATTACKED FROM BEHIND BY STING AND JOHN CENA!! Russo then comes out and FIRES BROCK LENSAR!!! Just when you think it's all over CENA DOUBLE CROSSES STING AND HUGS VINCE RUSSO!!! AN INTERIM MATCH IS DECLARED WITH RUSSO AS REFEREE AND CENA PINS JON STEWART TO BECOME A 16 TIME CHAMPION!!! MY GOD WHAT HAVE WE WITNESSED!?!?!
* Undertaker vs Vince Russo w/The Miz - Buried Alive Career vs Career match: It appears Undertaker is about to win when STING INTERFERES AND COSTS HIM THE MATCH!! As Sting beats down Taker and throws him into the grave, Russo turns on his protege the Miz and throws him into the grave with the Undertaker! Both men are buried alive as a legendary career comes to an end.
* Muhammad Hassan (rehired) vs John Cena - Explosive vest on a pole match: Cena is so close to winning, but a new faction, ISIS INTERFERES! Cena gets a major beat down yet incredibly fights back and gives AA's to all 8 of the masked members,he again comes close to winning but THE NATION OF DOMINATION INTERFERE AND COST CENA THE MATCH. It appears Hassan is about to detonate the vest over Cena but wait! That's Hulk Hogan! And the NWO! Hogan has reformed the NWO!! Cena and the NWO fight off ISIS and the NOD to stand tall. BUT CENA AA'S HOGAN!!! Cena has double crossed Hogan and hugs Nash and Hall triumphantly as the fans throw garbage into the ring.
* Divas Bra and Panties Battle Royal: It appears Charlotte has won, but wait, OKLAHOMA was in the match all along. He eliminates Charlotte, and then reveals his new character, Carolina! A Ric Flair impersonator who always cries about his dead son. Charlotte looks pissed!
* Rusev vs Jack Swagger v Del Rio v Barrett - 4 Way Flag Match for the US and IC titles: Rusev wins with help from Jack Swagger after a huge swerve from the American patriot, they then proceed to burn the America, Mexican and British flags. Swagger grabs a microphone and calls Bush, Tony Blair and Obama war criminals and has his microphone cut off when he talks about "unanswered questions" over 9/11.
* Hulk Hogan vs Mark Henry - I Quit Match: As Hogan repeatedly shouts racial slurs over the microphone to Henry, he comes close to quitting, but THE NEW NATION OF DOMINATION interferes to fore Hogan into quitting. After the match Hogan delivers a shoot promo saying this booking sucks and he should have been jobbed out to a younger talent instead of a bloated ******. Hogan ends the promo with "hey Russo, I quit!"
* The New Day vs Sheamus and Hornswoggle - Tag titles: Sheamus and Hornswoggle, the Tater Tots, are just about to win the tag titles when HORNSWOGGLE DOUBLE CROSSES SHEAMUS with a stiff kick in the balls, becoming a new member of New Day and giving them the win.
* Kane vs Bray Wyatt - Inferno Match: When the Wyatt family interfereds, Kane sets all three other members on fire, but wait! Wyatt has got a flamethrower, that's not legal! While the ref's back is turned Wyatt sets Kane ablaze and wins, major heat!
* Big Show vs Kevin Owens - Cheeseburger on a pole match: When Owens superplexes Big Show the ring collapses, leading to a thrilling finish where both men crawl across the fallen ring to try to grab the cheeseburger, but Owens gets his hand on it first!
Would you pay 9.99 for that?
* Jon Stewart (c) vs Brock Lesnar vs Dean Ambrose vs Heel Roman Reigns w/Paul Heyman - WWE Title: Just as it appears Roman Reigns is going to become champion, DEAN AMBROSE AND PAUL HEYMAN COST HIM THE MATCH!! Ambrose then lays down and allows Jon Stewart to pin him, as Heyman, Stewart and Ambrose celebrate triumphantly. But wait! Lesnar goes on a rampage, putting Ambrose through the Spanish announce table, breaking Paul Heymans arm before F5'ING JON STEWART THROUGH THE RING!! Lesnar then delivers a scathing shoot promo, saying keeping the belt on a celebrity is harming the credibility of the business. Lesnar is then ATTACKED FROM BEHIND BY STING AND JOHN CENA!! Russo then comes out and FIRES BROCK LENSAR!!! Just when you think it's all over CENA DOUBLE CROSSES STING AND HUGS VINCE RUSSO!!! AN INTERIM MATCH IS DECLARED WITH RUSSO AS REFEREE AND CENA PINS JON STEWART TO BECOME A 16 TIME CHAMPION!!! MY GOD WHAT HAVE WE WITNESSED!?!?!
* Undertaker vs Vince Russo w/The Miz - Buried Alive Career vs Career match: It appears Undertaker is about to win when STING INTERFERES AND COSTS HIM THE MATCH!! As Sting beats down Taker and throws him into the grave, Russo turns on his protege the Miz and throws him into the grave with the Undertaker! Both men are buried alive as a legendary career comes to an end.
* Muhammad Hassan (rehired) vs John Cena - Explosive vest on a pole match: Cena is so close to winning, but a new faction, ISIS INTERFERES! Cena gets a major beat down yet incredibly fights back and gives AA's to all 8 of the masked members,he again comes close to winning but THE NATION OF DOMINATION INTERFERE AND COST CENA THE MATCH. It appears Hassan is about to detonate the vest over Cena but wait! That's Hulk Hogan! And the NWO! Hogan has reformed the NWO!! Cena and the NWO fight off ISIS and the NOD to stand tall. BUT CENA AA'S HOGAN!!! Cena has double crossed Hogan and hugs Nash and Hall triumphantly as the fans throw garbage into the ring.
* Divas Bra and Panties Battle Royal: It appears Charlotte has won, but wait, OKLAHOMA was in the match all along. He eliminates Charlotte, and then reveals his new character, Carolina! A Ric Flair impersonator who always cries about his dead son. Charlotte looks pissed!
* Rusev vs Jack Swagger v Del Rio v Barrett - 4 Way Flag Match for the US and IC titles: Rusev wins with help from Jack Swagger after a huge swerve from the American patriot, they then proceed to burn the America, Mexican and British flags. Swagger grabs a microphone and calls Bush, Tony Blair and Obama war criminals and has his microphone cut off when he talks about "unanswered questions" over 9/11.
* Hulk Hogan vs Mark Henry - I Quit Match: As Hogan repeatedly shouts racial slurs over the microphone to Henry, he comes close to quitting, but THE NEW NATION OF DOMINATION interferes to fore Hogan into quitting. After the match Hogan delivers a shoot promo saying this booking sucks and he should have been jobbed out to a younger talent instead of a bloated ******. Hogan ends the promo with "hey Russo, I quit!"
* The New Day vs Sheamus and Hornswoggle - Tag titles: Sheamus and Hornswoggle, the Tater Tots, are just about to win the tag titles when HORNSWOGGLE DOUBLE CROSSES SHEAMUS with a stiff kick in the balls, becoming a new member of New Day and giving them the win.
* Kane vs Bray Wyatt - Inferno Match: When the Wyatt family interfereds, Kane sets all three other members on fire, but wait! Wyatt has got a flamethrower, that's not legal! While the ref's back is turned Wyatt sets Kane ablaze and wins, major heat!
* Big Show vs Kevin Owens - Cheeseburger on a pole match: When Owens superplexes Big Show the ring collapses, leading to a thrilling finish where both men crawl across the fallen ring to try to grab the cheeseburger, but Owens gets his hand on it first!
Would you pay 9.99 for that?
