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So we learn yesterday that the kickoff match between Big E and Curtis Axel was postponed due to Curtis suffering from an ankle injury. It’s a shame but these things happen, and I hope Curtis has a swift recovery.

Before the PPV starts, we are greeted with ghostly whispers and other sinister sounds, similar to a beginning of a horror movie. The cell is introduced in various angles, looming hauntingly above the ring. When this introduction occurs, we have Mick Foley, Shawn Michaels and other wrestlers briefly talk about the pain and suffering they went through in the cell. Wrestlers are then seen being hurled off the top and onto tables, had their faces pressed against the steel, and so on and so forth. This surprised me somewhat; this introduction felt like I had gone back in time fifteen years. For a brief moment, I thought I was back in the attitude era.

Then the fireworks and pyro kick off, and we delve into another hell in a cell ppv.

So we begin with the triple threat tag team match, something that I felt was much too worthy of a match to start a ppv. Anyway, I loved the entrance music of Cody and Goldust; some will disagree with me, but the Goldust theme with Cody’s vocals just works so well. As the Usos join in the mix with their usual tribal introduction, we are also introduced to Rey Mysterio alongside the Spanish announce team which I thought was a fairly nice touch. Then of course The Shield makes their presence know, through the crowd as always.

Holy shit, this match was fantastic! Lots of high flying antics and other slick moves, and the Cody Rhodes superplex into everyone was the best move I had seen in the WWE in a very long time. The Usos didn’t get involved too much, but when they did, they too lit up the ring, and of course, The Shield were amazing as well. The match finished when Seth was caught off-guard by a Goldust uppercut, and Cody capitalised with his Cross-Rhodes finisher. Just like Battleground, Seth sold the finisher like a beast. Once again, The Brotherhood retain their tag belts. The crowd were really into this match, and rightfully so. An excellent start to say the least.

We then get a backstage segment with Triple H and Shawn, just having a chat and a laugh with each other. Hmm…

Then we get a Cena Fast Lane WWE app advert bullshit thing that nobody gives a toss about.

The Miz then has a promo about the Wyatt family and how they tied him up and wrote ‘liar’ on his chest. He essentially calls Bray Wyatt out for a fight. Wyatt appears on the titantron, and as usual, retaliates with his cryptic jargon. The screen goes black for a moment, and when the light returns, the two big Wyatts ambush Miz in the ring. Kane then makes his grand return and attacks the Wyatts, causing them to retreat. Everything seems all well and good, but then Kane chokeslams Miz, causing the crowd to cheer, even though he had turned heel. This segment was okay, but I felt like it belonged in a Raw rather than a ppv.

Now this is where the ppv takes a nosedive into hot, putrid mud. Fandango shows up with Summer Raye, dancing their usual tempo whilst the crowd starts to fandangofuck themselves. For god sake. In a short space of time we have gone from Hell in a Cell to Raw to Smackdown. Then Lillian announces a mixed tag team match, but before that, Fandango cuts a promo. Good grief. Then they start dancing, and then THE GREAT UGLY AND HORNSFUCKLE COME INTO THE RING WITH NATALYA. Good lord.

The match sucked, and had no business being in this ppv. Summer Raye beats Natalya via a roll up. All filler no killer.

Then we get Josh Mathews, Dolph Ziggler, R-Truth and Kaitlyn in a superstar panel. Whilst the panel is nothing special, it does kind of break up the ppv quite nicely. It’s just a shame that, not too long ago, Dolph was the Heavyweight Champion. Now he’s reduced to being on the panel. Who did he piss off?

Next match: Dean Ambrose vs Big E for the United States Championship; I’m guessing this was in place of what would have been Curtis Axel. Things start off explosively when Langston clobbers Ambrose with a clothesline from the get go, but unfortunately the rest of the match was pretty slow and boring, emphasised by the crowd who were nearly silent for most of the duration. It got a little bit better towards the end; the spear through the ropes caught me by surprise. Big E wins due to Dean counting himself out, thus him retaining the US title; kinda lame. Big E finishes the whole thing off with the Big Ending, but the match was forgettable overall.

Now we get our first Hell in a Cell match; CM Punk vs Ryback and Paul Heyman. Heyman cuts a crazy promo, as a crane-like device (?!) elevates him to the top of the cell. So instead of Heyman being in the cell, he’s on top of the cell. Hmm.

Most of the match was very slow, and the cell wasn’t utilised very much. Later on, Punk gets low-blowed into a sideways table (kinda unique) and soon afterwards, Punk drives through into table and Ryback using the flying elbow. CM Punk then finishes the match with the GTS. The match was lacklustre to say the least.

After the match, Punk climbs on top of the cell armed with a kendo stick, and finally confronts Paul Heyman. A dozen or so strikes and a GTS later, Heyman is out cold on top of the metal roof.

To me, this was hardly divine retribution at all, and this whole match should have been so much more exciting. I could actually visualise Punk chasing Heyman around in circles inside the cell, with Ryback cutting him off 90% of the time. Furthermore, what’s the point of having Heyman on top of the roof? I mean yes, it was unexpected, but it was unexpected in a bad way. The match was terribly vanilla, and the revenge was nothing more than a slap on the wrist. Heyman’s been screwing with Punk all this time; put the fat bastard through a table! Don’t just give him one GTS, give him five! Heyman should have been carried away into a freaking ambulance! If all of that would have happened, then that would have justified people paying full price for this ppv. I knew this match would be nothing special, but I never expected it to be this bad. Like I said in my prediction, Punk deserves better than this.

Next we have an interview with Daniel Bryan. He basically says after months of being screwed around, it’s just him, Randy Orton and Shawn Michaels (if only that were true). He then talks about the Yes phenomenon which began in WM28, which naturally starts off the Yes chants, and how he states he will finally become the WWE champion. A bit of a feel good moment.

Now… here’s a match that should have belonged on the front of the card. In fact, this match should have switched with the Triple Threat Tag match period. Los Matadores Vs The Real Americans. It was pretty bad, but not downright terrible. Yes, we got the Cesaro swing and a few semi-decent high spots, but I still rate it below average. I say it one more time; why the hell wasn’t this the opening match?

After Cena’s sob story we get Cena vs ADR for the Heavyweight Championship; two of the most dullest superstars in the WWE today. Besides a tornado DDT, there was absolutely nothing to this match that was worth talking about. Cena wins. No cash in. Just awful overall.

By the time AJ Lee and Brie were about to square off, I had nearly lost the will to live. I can’t believe a diva’s championship is this late on the card, but who knows… maybe the two ladies might surprise us all with a pleasant and satisfying engagement…

…well, it was actually ten times more entertaining than the ADR Cena match! At least it didn’t last very long. I liked Nikki taking on Tamina near the end, even though it was short lived. As always, I liked the Black Widow finisher, courtesy of one AJ Lee. Yes, this wasn’t actually that bad, just barely, barely passable. Oh, and a message to Brie: you need acting lessons. Seriously, you cannot pretend to cry to save your life.

I will say this again; this Divas match was better than the World Heavyweight Championship match.

We then get a backstage promo with Mister Bob Backland and the Prime Time Players. This segment was too weird for words; Mister Bob Backland catches the PTP playing Wrestlemania 2K14 on the PS3 and goes on about how people today should strive for studying and mathematics, or something like that. It made me laugh though; Mister Backland is just a nutjob, as are the PTP. Hmm… maybe Mister Bob Backland should become their manager? Anyway, it was a promo. And it was better than most of the card.

We get another backstage promo, again with Shawn Michaels and Triple H, with the former prepared as the special guest referee. This time their interactions become a little more serious…

And finally we have the HIAC match number two, the main event. The Beard vs The Viper with Mister Wrestlemania as the ref. Hopefully, this will be the match that saves the show, but just as I begin to get excited, bam, here comes Triple H’s music, and I think, ‘oh for fuck sake, what the fuck is going to happen?’ Even though Triple H is just carrying the title to show to the two competitors, one has to wonder how this main event is going to end.

You know, this match would have been a whole lot better if they were no interferences; the match didn’t need any, it was excellent enough as it is. But… after some of Triple H’s involvement and interventions, Shawn Michaels launches the super kick on Daniel Bryan, and Orton capitalises to become the WWE Champion.

This very much reminded me of the Battleground main event. Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton are more than enough for a main event to work; no one else is needed! This was an excellent match that was ruined by Triple H’s stupid face and Shawn turning heel. Well, at least we have a clear winner this time, but what a cheap and crappy way to end a ppv.

Overall, this PPV was pretty much terrible. After the spectacular Triple Threat Tag match, everything else went downhill pretty rapidly. The Miz section was nothing special. Kanes return was nothing special. The mixed tag match shouldn’t be on the fucking ppv. The US championship match was boring. The Punk/Ryback/Heyman match was dreadful (but at least it will hopefully end the feud). Matadores Vs The Real Americans would be more entertaining if I was five and retarded. Cenas return match was not even worth talking about. The Divas match was passable, but still forgettable. And then there was the main event.

Though myself and many others predicted that Shawn will turn heel or make a mistake, seeing the end result becoming true just made me cringe deep down inside. At the end of the day, it was nothing about Daniel Bryan. It was nothing about Randy Orton. It was all about Triple H and his best buddy Shawn, doing what’s ‘right for business’.

I award this ppv a 3 out of 10. Michael Cole said it best: What an ugly way to end a terrific match tonight.
 
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