[Mark.]

Sim "Deuce" Snuka

Sim Snuka is on a mission to prove himself. Labelled a fuck-up by many for not matching up to his father, Jimmy Snuka, as well buried for being a poor performer, and fired for nearly killing The Undertaker, Deuce has come to International Waters to rid himself of that stigma. We look forward to seeing him make a new man of himself and prove he can be a success in this business.

Disclaimer: International Waters will not provide Sim Snuka with any narcotics whatsoever, due to him already being a danger and liability to the lives of the other wrestlers.​

Newsflash: It is rumoured that Matt Hardy has demanded a cabin on board to store his extensive grape collection.

Christopher Daniels

Having wrestled since 1993, Christopher Daniels is a certified veteran of the independent scene and well regarded also for his early years in TNA as a stalwart of the X Division. Despite his continued hyperactivity - working for TNA, ROH and many more promotions - most observers feel that Daniels' career is coming to an end. For the man himself, though, it is only just beginning, and International Waters is happy to help share his renaissance with the world.

Having wrestled as the Fallen Angel for so long, Daniels has forgotten who he really is, and was. We can look forward to a new and improved wrestler, who is not even called Christopher Daniels - Golden Retriever. Retriever will explain this himself on our first show.

Daniels will not be supplied with any narcotics, as we believe he is already on his way towards a mental breakdown. ​

Funaki

Funaki has not come to International Waters to be our #1 announcer, he is out for redemption for years of jobbing in the WWE. Surrounded by the big names on the roster, he feels he has more of a chance than ever to show that he can be just as much of a force as them. We have decided to give Funaki his shot, and what a shot it will be, as on his day on International Waters, we have given him his chance to face a true wrestling legend making a one-off appearance for us.

Funaki Will. Not. Die.​

Tajiri

Tajiri has stated that his sole purpose in International Waters is to reunite with former friend, William Regal. He believes that Regal is on a path to destruction by playing the potentially lethal Withnail and I drinking game and has said he is here to look out for him. However, he is also here for competition, and has requested plentiful supplies of cocaine so that no man will be match for his extra lightning-fast kicks.​

There's your look at our roster. The first show will be announced very soon.

 

[Darwins Dinner]

Completely and utterly bizarre, seems more like an E-Fed Concept than a BTB idea to me. Nevertheless it's an idea that stands out and I'm looking forward to how you do this. It's got the potential to be funny, gritty, scary and intense. Definitely one I'm going to watch.

 

[Mark.]

Preview

WOO

For a man known worldwide for styling and profiling, is it any wonder that the world's most luxurious and salubrious yacht would be Ric Flair's next destination? Our most legendary acquisition will be arriving on day 1 to shoot on a range of topics as only the Nature Boy can. The 16 time World Champion has made it clear to Hunter S Thompson that he's coming aboard not only for the free-wheeling lifestyle that International Waters offers, but also to engage in some of the most memorable battles of his later career. Tune in or miss out on what is 100% guaranteed to be a marquee event for our promotion.


FUNAKI-REGAL: CLASH OF THE TITANS

Funaki has long expressed the desire to break out from the stereotypical character mould into which he has been forced by previous employers. Only International Waters was willing to help out this glorious warrior with his quest to prove himself to global audiences, promising him a range of bouts with some of the toughest competitors that the wrestling world has to offer. Tune in to see Funaki's baptism of fire as he takes on the venerable William Regal inside the only squared circle on the seven seas (that we know of.) Who will prevail? Will Funaki survive the onslaught of the Englishman to face a certified legend on day 2?


A GOLDEN FUTURE?

Christopher Daniels has mystified his critics and got the world talking since the declaration by International Waters, that as part of his renaissance, he will be fighting as Golden Retriever. Many tabloid writers have wondered to themselves what the moral of this tail is, and whether it is a sign that he is certifiably barking. Retriever has refused to pass comment on the suppositions of the world's polemicists - preferring instead to explain all to you, his loyal fans, on Day 1. Don't miss out on what may well prove to be an event of a lifetime.


WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP ON THE LINE

Our Main Event has been years in the making. We are pitting three of our hungriest competitors together for the unique chance to win professional wrestling's most prestigious belt - the International Waters World Heavyweight Championship, the only title that can truly be considered international. Who are the combatants, you may ask? They are three men who have a history of bad blood, animosity and stolen cookies with each other: Paul London, Sim 'Deuce' Snuka, and Matt Hardy - London has buried Deuce, and Hardy and London have had professional wrestling's most heated YouTube war. On Day 1, each man has the chance to prove he is better than his sworn enemies - and go down in history as the first ever International Waters champion.​

 

[Mark.]

Co-Written by Marketh. and Welbek

DAY 1

The first ever broadcast of International Waters opens with a flashback to the audition process to become a part of the roster. Big, Bad Bobby Dempsey is shown furiously dancing away in a room that is empty behind him. No music is playing. As per usual, he is shirtless and his moobs and stomach flab jiggle away while he does a routine reminiscent of Flashdance. We have skipped to near the end, as evidenced by how much he is sweating. While he continues, we cut to a panning shot of about half a dozen serious-looking, similar Japanese businessmen, studying his performance from behind a table.

Exhausted, but satisfied, Bobby Dempsey completes his routine and with his wide smile, asks "So how did I do?!"

We cut to the Japanese businessmen again, but pan along further to reveal the late Hunter S. Thompson, sitting with them.

He sighs and says "Yeah...that was kinda weird, even for us. Sorry."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ag1o3koTLWM
We zoom in slowly on Bobby's now-dissapointed face, while the theme from Curb Your Enthusiasm plays, and cuts back to Hunter shrugging his shoulders.​

Carlson Banks is in the captain's room, looking wide-eyed at what just happened on a big-screen TV.

CARLSON BANKS: Oh my. I hadn't seen that one yet. What the —

CREW MEMBER: (offscreen) You're live!

Carlson looks a little flustered at being caught unaware but quickly turns on the charm.

CARLSON: Yes we are, ladies and gentlemen, and may I say, thank you for defying your local legislation and tuning in tonight! It's a particularly fine day here in our obligatorily unspecified location here in International Waters. The tropical birds are singing, commercial fishermen are joyfully slaughtering whales, and you're about to be treated to some of the finest wrestling the world over!

What you just saw was an example of the rigorous vetting procedure we put all of the dozens of would-be International Waters stars through to ensure that only the best in the business is filtered through to you, our loyal fanbase. Later on in to-day's show, you'll be treated to some more auditions that didn't quite meet the exacting standards of Hunter S Thompson and our crack team of several interchangeable Japanese businessmen!

But that's not all you have to look forward tonight. You, my friends, will be able to hop aboard and see how life is lived on the world's most dangerous yacht by watching some of the events captured on our 24/7 cameras! Not only that, but we hear that there will be an amazing appearance by a boy of a natural persuasion – woo! - and also, the most electrifying man in wrestling to-day, Christopher Dan— I mean, The Golden Retriever, will be explaining himself and his transformational, game-changing identity change to you and to our passionate crowd, all nine of whom are said to be very excited indeed.

And if that wasn't enough, we have the most thrilling matches the wrestling world can offer. Funaki sets to prove his worth against the highly respected veteran grappler, William Regal, and a three-way match between International Waters' bitterest enemies will be held to crown our first world champion! So without further ado, let's dive into Day 1 of International Waters!

We see a gaunt-looking Richard E Grant on a television screen, wearing only a shirt and some Y-fronts.

RICHARD E. GRANT: I demand to have some booze!

Grant swaggers across the room and grabs a can of lighter fluid. We pan out to see Regal in a large, padded armchair, surrounded by wine and whisky bottles and empty pint glasses.

WILLIAM REGAL: This... bloody part... again.

Regal roots around his cabin and eventually finds a can of Panamanian lighter fluid. He opens the lid falteringly and puts the can to his lips.

RICHARD E. GRANT: (Offscreen) Nonsense, this is a far superior drink to meths. Wankers don't drink it because they can't afford it.

Regal swigs a hefty amount of the lighter fluid and has the most ghastly expression on his face imaginable. He begins to gag, then vomits profusely over the Persian rug in his cabin.

REGAL: (incomprehensible)... Felixtowe.

We pan out to see TAJIRI in the corner of the cabin, shaking his head with disapproval and looking on with woe in his eyes​

A far-away shot displays Christopher Daniels sitting on his bunk with his Golden Retriever mask in his hands, staring at it.


ANNOUNCER: The following contest is for one fall and it is the world's first ever wrestling match in International Waters! Introducing first, hailing from some place in Japan and weighing in at 86 kilograms, Shoichi FUNAKI!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc7GCFXQDUg&feature=player_embedded

To the strains of threatening-sounding Norwegian gypsy oompa music, Funaki emerges to a warm reception from a crowd of nine, consisting of close friends and business associates of our two wealthy owners. Looking particularly studious, especially compared to the raucous and stotious crowds, Funaki is dressed in a long black cape and his slow and solemn pace towards the ring makes for a weird contrast with the raucous music in the background. Funaki tears off his robe, climbs to the top turnbuckle and poses for the crowd who give him a smattering of applause.

ANNOUNCER: And his opponent, hailing from Blackpool, England and weighing in at 110 kg, please rise for the British national anthem as you welcome William REGAL!

Instead of the UK's familiar monarchy-loving dirge, the following majestic tune plays:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSXzaA5e72M

William Regal staggers out down the ramp, tripping over the Hawaiian flag that he was given to hold due to the crew's inability to locate a Union Jack. The crowd roars in anticipation at the chance of seeing a master, however inebriated, working his magic inside the squared circle. Instead of walking directly into the ring where a stern Funaki is waiting, Regal stumbles into the crowd where he notices two British tourists who got sent on board accidentally by their travel agents. He takes their bottle of Pimms' #1, downs it in one as they look on in bewildered horror, and then rolls under the bottom rope into the ring.

Funaki vs William Regal

Regal extends a wavering hand to Funaki, who accepts it as the crowd cheer. The match starts off stiff as Regal somehow gains the initial advantage. He has been too unsteady to break out his usual arsenal of mat wrestling techniques, but remains a danger to be counted with. He deals out a shower of 'British' uppercuts, some to Funaki, and some to the air, leading us to presume that his predilection for lighter fluid has left poor Regal with double vision or worse!

After a particularly vicious 1-2 followed by a running knee into Funaki in the corner, Regal covers the beseiged Japanese warrior with a lateral press for what looks like an early win! This could well dash poor Funaki's hopes of proving himself as a world-class fighter. Except – Regal's impaired sight means that he has pinned an empty part of the ring three feet away from where Funaki fell. Before the British behemoth can respond, Funaki is back on his feet, hammering away at a grounded Regal. Funaki drags Regal onto his feet, and hits him with a Fisherman buster! 1, 2 – Regal kicks out!

Not known outside his country for being a submissions artist, Funaki spends the next number of minutes trying to achieve quite a feat by making a master tap-out. After taking a shot at some ground submissions that Regal fought off, he attempts to get Regal into a Boston crab, Regal reverses into a roll-up from which Funaki escapes just in time. Funaki climbs back up onto his feet; Regal less quickly so. Indeed, he is still on his hands and knees when Funaki gets him back down again with a vicious kick to the side of the head. That may well be a knockout blow! Now's the time to pin him, Funaki!

Except he doesn't! Instead, he goes for a sleeper hold, shades of Dolph Ziggler being seen. Regal is still out cold, and this match could have been over. The crowd is quiet. Hunter has put off ordering his next tequila. With Regal counting stars, the ref has no choice but to start the TKO count – holding Regal's arm up once, it falls down. This happens a second time. The tense anticipation for a major upset is palpable. Lifting Regal's beefy arm up one last time, the referee lets go and it begins to drop – but Regal arises from his punch-drunk and normal-drunk slumber, and keeps it up to the huge applause of the crowd and to the visible chagrin of Funaki.

Funaki lets go of the hold, gets to his feet and begins to hit the grounded Regal with a number of kicks until the concerned referee tells him to stop. Almost offended by a smattering of boos from the audience, Funaki gestures to the top rope and gains some applause again. Perched on top of the top turnbuckle, he waits for Regal to get to his feet, which takes a good deal of time; when he does, he hits a signature diving somersault cutter! He gets a cradle on Regal – 1, 2, thr- Regal kicks out once again. How is this medically possible?

Now the crowd are at their most divided: some are now chanting FU-NA-KI. Others RE-GAL, and a few in particularly altered states are calling out for popular fictional elephant, BABAR. Thriving off the upsurge in crowd support, Funaki gestures that this match is over, and once again climbs the top rope – to do an amazing Shooting Star Press. Equally amazing is that the battle-worn Regal rolls out of the way in the nick of time, leaving his opponent to eat canvas.

Regal recuperates on the outside, and, in a turn out for the books, is on his feet before Funaki. He grabs his foe and hits a tiger suplex which gets a two and a half count. It seems like he's ready to finish this match off with a Regal Stretch – but he gets some shots to the skull to his grounded challenger as retaliation and then steps back, remarking to the referee that he is bloody parched!

He needs another drink and some 'inspiration' to carry on – and he is obliged. A butler who looks suspiciously like Colin Delaney brings him out a bottle of '53 Margaux and a 'Camberwell carrot.' For a second, we cut to Hunter, who has a look in his eye that can mean nothing other than 'this is wrestling. As Regal takes a generous gulp, he notices Funaki is back on his feet and charging at him. Regal, bottle in one hand, tries to clothesline Funaki. But Funaki jumps over Regal and runs into the referee instead, knocking him down! Not wasting any time, he charges back off the ropes and hits the Brit with the Zig Zag! Since when did Funaki steal Ziggler's moveset? Either way, this one is surely over, isn't it? Except it isn't, as Regal gets a foot on the ropes!

As the crowd cheer for Regal, Funaki seems infuriated. He grabs the bottle of '53 Margaux, half of which has tipped out onto the canvas, turning it dark red. It seems like he's about to put it outside the ring – but he pauses, and turns around towards Regal. He isn't thinking what we think he's thinking, is he? He's brandishing the bottle of wine like a weapon, and walks slowly towards Regal with a perturbing look on his face. Don't finish this electric match in such a manner, Funaki! Don't waste that wine! It's vintage!

He goes to swing the bottle at the head of Regal, who is still sat up in the corner of the ring. Oh my G-d! Just as Funaki is about to introduce Regal's head to many shards of glass, TAJIRI appears out of nowhere and grabs the wine bottle out of his hands. Funaki turns around to get a roundhouse kick to the face – just as the referee has gotten up! He gestures for the bell and talks to the announcer.
​

ANNOUNCER: The winner of this bout, as a result of a disqualification, FUNAKI!

Funaki's bizarre Norwegian dark gypsy oompa music starts playing to wild boos. It takes a while for Funaki to recover due to the stiffness of Tajiri's kick, but he gets to his feet and lords over the crowd, proclaiming himself to be no. 1 as Tajiri, who is protecting his fallen comrade from more of an onslaught, looks over with hatred visible in his eyes. Suddenly he goes flying off the turnbuckle towards the crowd – not by choice, but because International Waters luminary, Hunter S Thompson, pushed him off! One surefire way to piss off Hunter, Tajiri, is to waste alcoholic beverages on when he's watching. As the crowd shouts their approval, Hunter and Tajiri lift up Regal, and Hunter lifts the Englishman's arm in victory.


John Morrison is shown in his cabin, which has been decorated with various art, some of which by Andy Warhol. There is a bookcase on one side, which appears to consist of mostly books on psychology, poetry, religion and Greek mythology. Also seen lying about are vinyl disks of the works of Elvis Presley and Frank Sinatra.

JOHN MORRISON: I AM THE LIZARD KING - I CAN DO ANYTHING!

Morrison is lying on the side of his bed, shirtless and wearing brown leather trousers and cowboy boots. There is a table in front of his bed with remnants of what could be cocaine. L.A. Woman can be heard in the background:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41ohFqkhASU

When Jim Morrison in the song starts chanting "Mr MoJo Risin!", John chants along with it, but suddenly springs off his bed and turns to face it.

MORRISON: STARSHIP PAIN!

For some reason he tries to do a Split-Legged Corkscrew Moonsault off his bed but just falls backwards, crashing his head through the table. He starts to laugh hysterically, but only for a couple seconds because John Morrison doesn't have a personality yet.

We are now looking at another audition flashback and we see the Japanese businessmen looking unimpressed while a repetitive noise hitting the floor is heard.

The camera turns around to reveal Teddy Hart doing constant backflips around the floor. His flips are perfectly executed and he shows no signs of dizziness.This goes on for about a minute until he eventually stops in front of the table. He looks over to Hunter S. Thompson for approval, but suddenly begins to wretch. He VOMITS all over a poor, unfortunate Japanese businessman! The businessman, drenched in fluid and lumps of various food looks aghast, horrified and confused. Teddy then says: "My bad. I have a concussion".

Hunter lets his head fall on the table, in frustration.​

The lights in the yacht go dim. There is visible confusion, particularly when the 24 hour bar and saloon suddenly shuts down to the chagrin of many. Now the lights go out completely. Black lights are switched on and a number of naked, overweight middle-aged women are in the ring, standing in formation in the shape of a heart, then a crucifix. Their skin is covered nearly entirely by green day-glo paint. The lights switch off again and Hunter can be heard asking what the fuck this all is. Then a chain gang of some bald old men, all wearing party hats and children's school satchels, walk in a procession around the ring holding green torches. Out of their satchel they each produce a dog mask, which they put on. The old men begin to bark and howl increasingly louder until the following music comes on:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OqP1fXKOPE

A figure emerges in the shadows but does not walk towards the ring. Eventually, Iggy Pop's tune stops playing, and we hear the mysterious words: 'can you turn the lights on, bro?' A response comes: 'nah mate, some ninny has only gone and blown all the lights. We'll have to replace them during the interval.' 'Damn it.'

After a few awkward minutes, we see a light. It is coming from a desk lamp being held by a little kid wearing a Rey Mysterio mask. GOLDEN RETRIEVER comes out walks walks alongside the lamp boy with a look of determination on his dog mask. The curious crowd cautiously applauds GOLDEN RETRIEVER as he makes his way to the ring. He instructs the kid to climb a turnbuckle in order to project a spotlight down on him. A hush descends on the crowd as Golden Retriever seems ready to talk.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: [Takes a deep breath] What does it mean to be? We use it every day. You say without thinking: I am, you are, she is. But what are you?.. and more importantly, what is 'is', and what am I? They said to me that what I am was soon to become what I was. They said that the things that define me... no longer would. The things that are and always have been, things like electrifying and enlightening you, my people in equal measure... those would be memories. I was on my way out, I was history.

And in a way, they were right. But let me tell you this. The Fallen Canine is not a passive object. The Fallen Canine is not controllable. The Fallen Canine cannot be imposed upon by your visions of his destiny. Golden Retriever is the face of this company, and this company will be built off his back. The three train wrecks in tonight's main event, one of you will come out with the title. Enjoy your one-day reign.. because anyone who isn't Mr. International Waters who's standing right here is a champ on borrowed time. That's what is, was and ever will be the gospel according to the Golden Retriever.


​

No man has had the same impact in wrestling history as him.

No man can match his style.

No man can look as good as him.

No man will match his legacy.

There is only one...

COMING - DAY 2​

Nightfall has now come. The main lights turn on and the feeling is very tranquil, with the warm sea air. It is time for International Waters' first ever main attraction.

ANNOUNCER: The following contest is your MAIN EVENT of the evening! This is for International Waters' crowning of our inaugural World Heavyweight Championship!

Sim "Deuce" Snuka is out first, through the curtain, wearing his Deuce 'n' Domino attire, from his days before almost ending The Undertaker's career at WrestleMania. Such a feat is something that names such as Ric Flair, Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Randy Orton, Kevin Nash and Batista have been unable to come as close to as Deuce. No doubt that he is a dangerous competitor, who will bring this type of skill into the match, though International Waters hopes he doesn't.

Matt Hardy emerges from the curtain, pointing his handheld camera to his face. He gets a raucous reaction from this crowd of 9. Speaking directly to the camera, as he makes his way to the ring, he is slurring his words:

MATT HARDY: It's me...it's...Matthew. That's with...err...capitals so it's like MATTHEW. Behold my new gimmick... and fuck all the haters, I'm doing what I wanna do with...my life. Yah.

The Matt Fact, displayed onscreen via his camera says "Matt prefers prescription medication to steroids". He is also carrying a small plastic bag of grapes, which he places on the announce table, to the bewilderment of Hunter S. Thompson.

Out next is Paul London, with his gear simply consisting of swimming shorts slightly wet and trainers. He's holding a half-spent joint and displaying his famous wide smile.

PAUL LONDON: I was just meeting with the starfish prince...and he told me the key was to attack Matt's heart. I will try, sweet prince, I will try. And Douche...[Bursts out laughing]

London enters the ring and smiles at his opponents, who so deeply hate him, and takes another toke.

ANNOUNCER: And now, introducing the Special Guest Referee for this title match!

Loud techno music suddenly erupts from the speakers and Jeff Hardy comes dancing through the curtain! He gets a standing ovation from this great crowd.

He basks in the glory of this reception from the 9 fans.

He should be making his way to the ring to officiate this historic match anytime now...

5 MINUTES LATER

As it becomes obvious that Jeff has already taken advantage of his ecstasy supply, we begin the match with no official referee.

International Waters World Heavyweight Championship
Sim "Deuce" Snuka vs Matt Hardy vs Paul London

Carlson Banks rings the bell.

HUNTER S. THOMPSON: Oh sweet Jesus! They're after me! [Dives overboard]

London looks over, confused, but Matt and Deuce take this chance to doubleteam him, stomping him in the corner. London rolls out of the ring, but is quickly followed by both. Matt irish-whips London into the railing of the boat and Deuce runs towards him. London tries to backdrop him overboard! Luckily, Deuce lands on the outside and holds on for dear life. Matt grabs London and throws him into a row of empty chairs, then tries to help Deuce back in. He lifts him up like a Suplex and tries to put him down gently, but London chop block's Matt's leg, who inadvertantly Suplex's Deuce on the hard, wooden surface! London then picks Matt up and irish-whips him into the pile of steel chairs he just came from, and follows that up by climbing to the top rope. Deuce staggers back into the picture and clotheslines Matt, not noticing London going for the Shooting Star Press to the floor! Deuce is totally out of position and fails to properly catch London, forcing him to land practically on his head!!! London appears to be out cold, so Deuce lifts him up and drags him into the ring for the cover.

10 MINUTES LATER

London has been lying on the floor, recovering from that massive bump on the head, while Deuce and Matt battle it out in the ring, still with no referee. During this portion of the match, Matt has fallen for every heel trick imaginable, including Deuce pointing up to the sky, Matt looking, then receiving a hard kick in the grapes. Bad lead-ins aside, Matt eventually connects with a Side Effect, then rolls out to recuperate and eat some of his grapes. He also picks up his camera:

MATT: Hello everyone! Hope you guys are doing great. [Swallows grape] First and foremost, I want to apologise for not making this YouTube entry sooner into the match, I've been slacking off, being very busy...with my personal life. But that's all gonna-

London comes out of nowhere with a Moonsault off the apron, onto Matt! Hopefully the camera hasn't broken. London quickly re-enters the ring and sees Deuce standing in the corner, trying to regain his bearings. The motherfucker comes SCREAMING across the ring with a dropkick, but Deuce grabs onto the ropes for dear life! HE BUMPS FOR NO HIGHFLYERS!!! London hits a Dropsault, but Deuce staggers against the ropes again. Frustrated at not getting him down, London clotheslines him out of the ring. He turns around to see where Matt is, but receives a boot to the gut and a TWIST OF FATE! Matt goes for the pin!

His brother, Jeff, has spent his entire on-screen tenure thus far in International Waters in an ecstasy-enduced rave on the entrance ramp, instead of calling the match like he was supposed to. Matt approaches his brother and asks why the hell he's not helping him win. Jeff completely ignores him in his dance craze and Matt accuses him of betrayal. Are the Hardy Boyz about to split up?! What a SHOCKING development! But Matt is an easily-distracted person and Deuce attacks him from behind. He drags Matt back inside the rin, stands him up and connects with the Jumping Hook Kick!!! "My God, what a devastating finishing maneuver!!!", Carlson Banks comments. Deuce goes for the cover, but before Jeff can rush down to the ring to make the count like we all assume he was going to do, London lands a Standing Shooting Star Press on his opponents!!! He rolls Deuce out the ring and drags Matt into the corner, then ascends the top rope.

LONDON: THIS IS FOR YOU, PRINCE STARFISH!!!

He goes for the 450 Splash, but Matt rolls out of the way just in time!!! London goes crashing front-first into the canvas and Matt lifts him up to deliver ANOTHER Twist of Fate!!! He covers London, but there's still nobody officiating! Wait a minute!

Val Venis has sprinted from the back, into the ring and has a referee shirt on!!! How did he get on the boat and when?! He makes the count! 1...2...3!!!

Carlson Banks appears confused, but ultimately rings the bell.​

ANNOUNCER: Here is your winner and International Waters World Heavyweight Champion - MATT HARDY!!!

Venis grins at Hardy, who looks bemused at his online mortal enemy helping him win the title. With Hunter Thompson not around, Carlson Banks hands the title belt over to Venis, who then seems to, in turn, hand it over to Matt. BUT IN A DEVIOUS AND CRUEL TRICK, Venis blasts Matt over the head with the solid gold belt instead!!!

Matt lies unconscious on the canvas, Venis stands tall above him, Jeff is still dancing, Hunter is presumably swimming back to shore. What does this mean for International Waters?

Our final audition flashback:

Hunter S. Thompson: "Fuck off."​

 

[ChampionCruiser]

I think I couldn't breathe when Jeff Hardy came on, this was actually gold, can't wait to read more installments, but I need a better set of lungs so I can laugh more! I'll never look at videos of Jeff the same again!

 

[Ghetto Anthony]

This is ingenious. This section needs more threads like this. Please do not stop, you may not get a ton of replies because I think a lot of this will go over the average readers head, but I'm loving every bit of it. Day 2 PLZ.

 

[Mark.]

Thanks for the very positive words. We've had great feedback elsewhere also. I should also mention that we're running this on a seasonal basis of 10 episodes, followed by a short break. After which, some of the roster will be getting replaced. No one wants to see the jokes get old fast.

 

[Mark.]

DAY 2 - Preview

WOO

As we have already promised the great International Waters' fans, "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair will most certainly be in attendance. It's likely he is stylin' and profilin' his way across the ocean right now on a yacht ten times the size of ours, to come visit our humble show. No doubt that he will put on a spectacle for us all, whether he is doing his trademark strut, elbow-dropping one of Mick Foley's books (we've always considered him more of a stuntman than a wrestler like Flair is), or if we're lucky, coming out of retirement to challenge one of our boys to the match of his career. Woo! Nature Boy, we look forward to your presence, sir.


LOOK INTO THE IMAGINE-NATION

We were surprised to learn that Jeff Hardy has requested time on the microphone, to discuss something special. International Waters are certainly interested, since it will hopefully be the first thing he will do onboard that isn't ecstasy-induced dancing.


JOMO-RETRIEVER: CLASH OF EGOS

Christopher Daniels. John Morrison. Two men undergoing personality changes. One to find his true self. One to become someone else. Ever since becoming The Golden Retriever, the wrestling world has been buzzing about Daniels. His shocking debut under the mask on Day 1 certainly didn't calm down the talk. He claims that the Fallen Canine is his true persona and that he's been living a lie his whole life, and that he doesn't take kindly to John Morrison trying to copy someone else. Morrison has spent his whole life never developing his own personality, a condition that has caused him to aspire to become rock legend, Jim Morrison. Golden Retriever, through a longwinded tirade of metaphors and parables as you would expect from Daniels, said he would teach Mr JoMo Risin' in the ring, that he needs to find his true self. "...and that was the gospel, according to the Fallen Canine".


WORLD TITLE SITUATION

International Waters' host, deceased author Hunter S. Thompson has informed us that he has an important announcement to make regarding the newly-crowned World Heavyweight Championship. Needless to say, Matt Hardy is very interested in what he has to say, and does this regard Val Venis shockingly showing up on board as a referee and attacking the champion?


FUNAKI VS. A LEGEND

You might remember us mentioning that Funaki was preparing to wrestle a true wrestling legend on an upcoming show. Funaki earned it with his DQ win over Regal and now has his chance to prove to the world that he can be a top competitor when he wrestles...Dynamite Kid! Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. Dynamite Kid retired due to a serious spinal injury and has since been rendered immobile from the waist-down and confined to a wheelchair. But despite these odds, Dynamite will be arriving onboard to teach Funaki a thing or two. This is sure to be the best match of veteran vs up-and-comer since Hogan/Michaels.​

​

 

[Mark.]

DAY 2
Written by Welbek & Marketh

Johnny Depp, being played by Hunter S. Thompson in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998).


"Golden Retriever lived up to the hype."

"I better be careful, for I may be addicted to this show."

"THIS is WRES-tling"

"That was beautiful."

"Loved the Jeff Hardy entrance."

"I could do without the image of Bobby's moobs jiggling away."


HUNTER S. THOMPSON: That Portuguese-looking kid, Carlson what-have-you asked the people on board what they thought of yesterday's show and that's what he got. Football season's off to a good start and turns out the pork aren't on our ass yet like we thought. I recall an alarm and fled immediately but I'd just started on some LSD so that turned out to be the ring bell, so I just paddled around in a circle, trying to escape.

Once I got back on the title match was over I can't remember who they told me had won it, for Chrissakes! I met this bald, bearded fellow with a Cheshire Cat grin who offered me a bottle of rum, which I drank with him, but the bastard kept harping on about how Juice or Douche or someone won the title and Matt Hardy's Twitter or some shit like that. Then the Portuguese insisted Hardy had actually won. I don't trust a man with a government institution in his last name and a stranger never offers you free rum with no purpose, so I can't trust anyone. I had nightmares that a minotaur in spandex would take advantage of me in a gorilla position, so I don't wanna fuck up something in a sport I really have no business being in. But I have to anyway. Until I can think of a good time to crown it, the International Waters title still has no champion and I apologise to whoever held it, if anyone, but whatever. If you're good, you'll win it again, whenever.

Moving on, I'm told we have some wrestling tonight. All I know is that Golden Retriever has a match and I like his whole getup. And there's Funaki, the Chinaman, that was wasting good wine, the long-haired wetpillow, he'll be facing a special guest. Enjoy.​

It's time for our first bout of the evening, so the lights lower down, which is pointless in broad daylight. Right now, it is the clash of egos.

The Doors' "Light My Fire" plays and John Morrison emerges from the curtain with a stoic expression on his face. He walks towards the camera and stares directly into it with that expression, which makes him look the spitting image of his idol, Jim Morrison. Unfortunately, even though he has the pose perfect and looks like an exact double, John somehow manages to fail at showing any charisma whatsoever.

Once Morrison gets in the ring, the music changes to something harder, grittier, and with more bite.

Christopher Daniels, aka The Golden Retriever, slowly steps through the curtain with his head bowed and with his hood up and head down. He suddenly lifts his hood to reveal his dog mask and makes his way to the ring, in a significantly less spectacular entrance than last time. His mission tonight is to teach Morrison to be his true self.

John Morrison vs The Golden Retriever

How he intends to do that, we're not sure, as he spends the first 10 minutes of the match going hold-for-hold in chain-wrestling with Morrison. It's uncertain how this is supposed to be helping him to change his life. Even though Morrison has limited ground ability, somehow it's been a very even match thus far. Suddenly, Retriever is amazingly able to use a contrived reversal to turn Morrison's hip-toss attempt into a Koji Clutch!

Following this is another 5 minutes of Retriever locking Morrison in numerous submission holds that don't look painful, but seem to be putting him through immense pain. But Morrison has had enough and he simply stands up to escape one of the holds. He then springs off the middle rope and blasts Retriever in the face with the Flying Chuck! Retriever rolls out of the ring to recover, but Morrison has already planned his next move as he runs straight toward him. He dives and connects with an impressive Corkscrew Planch out of the ring! He momentum sends him further after he hits Retriever, as he falls into the side of the railing. He'd better be more careful, or he could be the first man overboard. He regains his composure and walks over to Retriever, who suddenly catches him with an STO onto the floor! He climbs onto the apron and waits for Morrison to get back to his feet. Retriever springs off the top rope for a picture-perfect Springboard Moonsault!

FIVE MINUTES LATER

Retriever has gone back to dominating the match again with his fancy, yet simplistic maneuvers. He attempts what looks like the Angel's Wings!

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Canine's Wings!

But instead Morrison counters it into a backdrop near the corner! He doesn't capitalise on this chance, however, instead asking for a microphone.

JOHN MORRISON: The killer awoke before dawn.
He put his boots on,
He took a face from the ancient gallery,
And he walked on down the hall.

An eery silence fills the entire setting, as everyone waits in anticipation of what's coming.

MORRISON: He went into the room where his sister lived, and then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and.
And he came to a door...and he looked inside.
"Father," "Yes, son?" "I want to kill you."
"Mother...I want to...AAAAAAGHHHHHHH!!!"

Morrison goes for the Starship Pain!!! Retriever moves out of the way and Morrison crashes into the canvas! Retriever picks him up and connects with the Canine's Wings and heads to the corner!

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: BEST...MOONSAULT...EVER!

The BME connects! 1...2...3!!!​

Morrison lays still on the mat, hurting from taking two huge finishers, but perhaps also the crushing defeat of connecting with what could've been the best ending to a match of his ever. Retriever picks up the mic and waits for Morrison to sit up and face him.

RETRIEVER: I hope I have taught you the importance of staying true to your real identity...and that was the gospel according to The Golden Retriever, Christopher Daniels!

The Stooges' "I Wanna Be Your Dog" plays again, as Retriever exits the ring, while Morrison appears confused by that statement. Morrison might not end his pursuit of becoming the frontman of The Doors, but one thing is for sure: Christopher Daniels showed what an oustandingly different person he is, now that he has transformed into The Golden Retriever.

CARLSON BANKS: So, Hunter, that was some great action we just saw. What did you think?

HUNTER S. THOMPSON: I'm more of a Jefferson Airplane fan, myself. Anymore rum around here?

The screen goes briefly black, until Matt Hardy is shown leaning in towards his video camera, the viewer seeing pretty much only his face. He steps back and sits down on something and for some reason begins to clap.​

MATT HARDY: Well done. Well done, Val Venis. Well done, Hunter Thompson. Before I go on further, I just want to address my fellow North Carolinians back in North Carolinia, because that's the sort of person I am. What's up, guys? I'm just chilling out in my cabin while the insanity goes on outside. Some guys just have more control over their supplies than others. I'm not homesick yet, my Mattitude Followers, it feels great to escape all the haters and bullshit - excuse me - that goes on back in the States. Peers criticising me, mocking me, know-it-all fans calling me fat when everyone knows I've lost all the weight I put on while I had medical issues. But hey, it's their right to freedom of speech and I'll let them do their thing because that's the sort of person I am.

I'll start with you, Hunter Thompson. What kind of establishment are you meant to be running here? We're out here where there's barely any rules, but this is a wrestling company, where you can't just take my hard-earned title because of your incompetence. I earned it fair and square, even though my brother, Jeff Hardy, wasn't able to do his job right. By the way, we've talked it over; bro, I forgive you. No hard feelings. Anyway, I demand my title be returned to me. It belongs to someone in that triple threat. It can't be Sim, who could kill Mick Foley with a Snapmare, and it can't be that girlfriend-stealing, goofy-smiling, POTHEAD ASSHOLE, PAUL LONDON! [Takes deep breath] I moved out to International Waters to get away from the politics, I don't like the backstabbing, because that's the sort of person I am, now this crap happens.

Moving onto you, Val Venis. Seriously, what is your problem? You are actually stalking me, aren't you? First you insult my dead mother for some lame angle you wanna do on the circuit, now you're following me out to sea, helping me win the match, then attacking me? Make up your Goddamn mind, or are you just trying to screw with me? The thing is, you've been in the business long enough to know that you settle things in the centre of the ring, so when you attacked me in the middle of the ring, that made you a coward! Now you're trapped on this yacht with me, but I'm going to bide my time until I can get you in the centre of the ring, because that's the sort of person I am. Peace, MF'ers.


Matt reaches forward and turns his camcorder off. The screen goes black.​

As an unmistakeable theme tune blares – a techno remix of T-Rex's 'We Love To Boogie' - the nine people in the audience give a fairly cordial welcome to Jeff Hardy, who is wearing a smacked-up expression in his eyes, a day-glo string vest and tight jeans. Nothing new there – except he is also wearing a title belt, inside-out! The audience get somewhat impatient as it dawns upon them that it may take several minutes for him to stop techno dancing on the ramp. Eventually, the young boy in a Rey Mysterio mask from last week comes out and ushers him towards the ring. Hardy climbs up onto the turnbuckle, poses, and gives the crowd their first glimpse at a belt face that, other than the word 'DANSE' scrawled on a post-it note tacked over it, looks peculiarly similar to this:

After Hunter S Thompson finally suggests that his theme tune be turned off, Jeff Hardy takes a few minutes to compose himself and try to string an articulate sentence together.

JEFF HARDY: Tonight... you might have been, expecting any other... but this will be the greatest night of your lives!

One man shouts 'hoorah!', whilst the other eight members of the audience respond with a polite but jaded semi-excitement.

JEFF: This right here -

He holds his garish purple championship aloft in the air with one arm. They are non-plussed.

JEFF: Is the greatest belt you ever saw. And I, I – well, I love to dance. And I am the greatest dancer in the world!

Jeff waits for a big reaction from the crowd, but does not get one. Undeterred, he starts to fist-pump.

JEFF: So tonight, I chal-

Before he can finish the word, the Honky Tonk Man's theme plays, which gets the crowd on all of its eighteen feet. Their disappointment is palpable when the music cuts and Sim 'Deuce' Snuka comes out instead, fury in his eyes.

DEUCE: Jeff Hardy, you drugged-up, junkie bastard! If it wasn't for you, I'd be International Waters World Heavyweight Champion! If it wasn't for your stupid motherfucking dancing, I would have proved to the world that I am the best second generation wrestler the world has ever seen!

Hardy gives him a look that makes it clear that he is hurt. Or hungry. The crowd are now firmly rallied behind Hardy, if only because they are rallied against Deuce – all nine of them begin to rhythmically chant 'Failure! Failure! Failure!'

DEUCE: I am not a failure, you sea monkeys! I am better than you! I am better than my father! And I sure as hell am better than this waste of flesh in the ring that you see before you! Tonight, I will deprive this simpleton of his only source of joy, and his belt, in my quest to become Undisputed IW Champion!

Deuce runs to the ring, trying desperately to avoid getting hit by a bottle thrown from ringside. Hardy hands over his belt with some reluctance; the puzzled referee holds the belt above his head and Carlson Banks rings the bell.

International Waters Danse Championship
Jeff Hardy vs Sim 'Deuce' Snuka

A hush descends across the world's greatest yacht. The two men are stood still, not knowing who has the right to dance first or second. They are soon instructed to play rock, paper, scissors; Deuce picks paper, knowing very well that Jeff is all too fond of rock. He pushes Hardy to his corner, and chooses to go second. Hardy looks surprised, and for five minutes stands perfectly still in the silence, contemplating his next move. All of a sudden, Hawaiian underground trip-hop is blasted out of the speakers, and Hardy begins to jive. But will his energy wasted on his long entrance dance give an advantage to his foe?

TWENTY-NINE MINUTES AND THIRTY-FIVE SECONDS LATER

Hardy's miraculous performance is still going strong. He continues to ecstasy techno dance up in the grill of Deuce, who stares back contemptuously. He finishes with a jazz hands finale and looks hopefully across the room to Hunter S. Thompson, presumably one of the judges of the contest. Thompson is chugging a tall glass filled with Malibu rum and Domestos.

It seems almost as if Deuce has forgotten his gameplan, but some generic 50s rock 'n' roll music gets played and he gets instantly revitalised. He begins to do an awkward solo swing dance, swinging an imaginary partner around. Noticing the grimaces on the face of the crowd and resolved not to lose to Hardy, he beckons a woman from ringside to join him. Her eyes widen with terror, and she shakes her head. He insists, and she meekly slides into the ring.

They actually seem to be putting on a fairly decent show, and if Hardy were not so baked, he might be a little more nervous right now. Deuce seems to have two left feet, but his partner is more than covering for that – he shuffles unenergetically whilst she does most of the legwork. As the crowd get into their performance, all eight of them begin to cheer 'Sandra!' repeatedly. Deuce is visibly envious, and to gain the crowd's attention, he begins spinning his partner wildly. They are swing-dancing at a frenetic pace: jumping, spinning, twirling and jiving; a truly belt-worthy performance.

DEUCE: Oh shit!

Deuce had picked Sandra up on his hands for the big finale, but dropped her on her head instead! Sandra is motionless on the floor, and blood is trickling from the back of her head! The crowd are aghast. Deuce drops to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

DEUCE: I'm sorry, Taker!

Two interchangeable Japanese businessmen appear from a cabin, and carry Sandra out to be attended to. With a mournful look in his eyes, Tajiri ushers Deuce away too. At that very moment, Jeff Hardy has an epiphany about the brevity of life and the cruelty of fate, and does the only thing that an honourable man can do in such situations:

​

We promised you talk...

But the Nature Boy promises action.

For the first time in a decade, two goliaths of technical wrestling collide.

Two comrades of wrestling history's most élite stable collide.

Flair vs. Malenko – Horseman vs. Horseman

Coming – Day 3

Val Venis is shown backstage with Carlson Banks, who has a microphone.

CARLSON BANKS: I'm here with a man who made a huge impact last week by disrupting the International Waters World Title match and causing Matt Hardy be uncrowned as the champion. Val, I understand you want to set the record straight?

VAL VENIS: Yes I do, but first, I wanna give a shoutout to all the real wrestling fans who know what pro wrestling is and what it isn't. These are the people who aren't like the wrestling fans who don't know what it really is. I've been getting a lot of heat from morons who have no damn clue. First of all, I've been hearing that Fatt Hardy has been accusing me and Hunter Thompson of being in on this together and that is bullshit. Hunter did not get me on this boat, I stowed away all by myself without anyone knowing about it. He's an honest man, in fact - too honest - because I tried to convince him you didn't win the belt and he just vacated it instead of handing it over to Deuce like I said.

I did this because I am sick and tired of your fat ass getting work everywhere, despite your pill-popping rantings about the business! This company didn't want me. I'm a goddamn Intercontinental Champion, the longest reign in 1999! I've wrestled Kurt Angle and Eddie Guerrero! Whereas all you did was wrestle on a fucking trampoline with your buddies and calling it OMEGA! I pretended to be on your side and you fell for it because you're so stupid. How could you think I would help you after all the videos between us? I am going to mentally torture you because I want your talentless ass GONE from the wrestling business. You fat fuck.​

Funaki comes out to his threatening Norwegian oompa music and to a chorus of boos from all eight people in the crowd. Particularly cocky after his 'win' over William Regal, he directs fifty or sixty different wrestling taunts at the audience, finishing off with a crotch chop. We are informed that, for Funaki's safety, a gentlemen's agreement with Regal has been reached whereby he will be given the best drambuie and overproof rum on board in return for staying in his cabin during the match. Funaki's cocky attitude suggests that he is not taking the challenge that lies before him seriously – but that changes when his competitor's music hits, as a look of terror etches itself onto his face.

The Dynamite Kid roars like a man possessed as he rolls at a leisurely pace towards the ring. He shakes hands with the eight people remaining at ringside and, as he is being lifted up into the ring, he points at Funaki menacingly and stares into his eyes.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is for one fall, and is your MAIN EVENT of the evening! Standing to your right, hailing from Japan, weighing in to-day at 87 kilos and coming to this bout with an International Waters record of 1 win and 0 losses, he is the Legend Killer, Shoichi FUNAKI!

Funaki bows sarcastically to the jeering audience.

ANNOUNCER: And his opponent, weighing in at 118 kilos plus chair, coming from Lancashire, England and making his début in International Waters and return to the squared circle after fourteen years of retirement, he is the one and only Tom Billington, The DYNAMITE KID!

All eight spectators at ringside start a rousing chorus of 'You're gonna get your fucking head kicked in!' It is unknown as to which of the combatants they are addressing this to, but is clear that the chant is inappropriate in either case.

Legend vs. Legend Killer
The Dynamite Kid vs. Funaki​

The first ten minutes pass fairly uneventfully, and it is clear that both men are struggling to come to terms with the specificities of the match. Dynamite Kid is having difficulties at staying grounded and adapting his world famous high-flying style to being stuck in a wheelchair.

Meanwhile, Funaki has been coming up short since the bell rang, initially proposing a test of strength. It is presumed his difficulties stem from never having never competed against someone with Dynamite Kid's innovative offence style. Whilst short on chain wrestling and counters, DK is proving very difficult to ground, and his ingenious tactic of rolling over Funaki's feet is buying DK time and allowing him to gain the advantage. Dynamite Kid's brute force means that the following few minutes have involved him backing Funaki into a corner, delivering some stiff one-twos to his mid-section, letting Funaki go before the count of five and then attempting to do the same again.

Funaki's usual tactic of leapfrogging over a charging opponent is just not working. Neither, as he soon painfully learns, is rolling under Dynamite. Foiled by his foe, and desperate not to lose, he decides to spend the next number of minutes rolling out of the ring, getting back in before the count of ten and rolling out again before Dynamite Kid can catch him with a move he calls the 'Mechanical Bull Gore.' After all, Funaki presumably thought, the only thing the IWC respects more than a win is a sixty-minute time limit draw.

But something happens to Funaki that changes his gameplan. Maybe it was having moonshine spat in his eyes by a disgruntled gentleman at ringside, or the chorus of cheers for IW's latest returning legend – or maybe it was his wounded warrior pride telling him to get a legitimate win and defend his status as International Waters' deadliest legend killer. He climbs onto the top rope and attempts a brilliant hurricanrana onto DK! But 'Kid reverses gears before he can connect with the move and Funaki's moment of madness is paid off with a date with the canvas!

Dynamite Kid is hugely appreciative of the positive reception he is getting from the International Waters crowd, but is not above some heel tactics, as he drives his front wheels repeatedly into the head of Funaki. Pushed away by the referee, DK gestures to a member of his entourage who enters the ring. Kid gestures to the sky, and his helper tips him out of his chair! Kid lands on Funaki and hits his flying headbutt! The 8 man-strong crowd go so wild, you might be forgiven for mistaking them for a 12-member crowd! This match has got to be over! Dynamite Kid crawls over to get the lateral press on Funaki! One, two, thr- no! He kicks out! DK crawls into position again – just a two!

Funaki, to his credit, is more resilient than the grizzled veteran may have hoped. It's now any man's game. It's a race for the dazed and potentially concussed Funaki to get to his feet, and the worse-for-wear Dynamite Kid to get to his wheels. It seems like Dynamite Kid has the advantage as he is halfway to his chair whilst Funaki is still crawling – but in a desperation move, and to the horror of the crowd watching, he pulls Kid out of his wheelchair by the legs before Kid can mount an attack.

The tables have truly been turned, as Dynamite Kid scuttles around the ring on his hands and stomach, trying desperately and largely failing to avoid a shower of ground kicks by Funaki. Pretty soon, Kid is seeing double, and it seems like Funaki's victory is nigh. But instead of pinning the dazed Dynamite Kid, Funaki attempts to join the illustrious group of the few legends who have made DK tap. He questions himself about what the most devastating submission hold he knows is – and decides upon Ric Flair's very own Figure-Four Leglock, from which few fighters emerge without submitting!

To Funaki's eternal chagrin, the Figure-Four has limited effect on Dynamite Kid – indeed, it seems to be allowing him to recover! Letting go of the hold, the infuriated Tokyoite attempts to drag Dynamite to his feet. Propping him up against the ropes, he delivers a mean Superkick that sends Kid flying out of the ring! Is this the way Funaki is going to go 2-0 up? A disqualification and now a count-out? The odds are stacked against Dynamite Kid, who is shuffling towards the ring with all his might. He has landed only a few feet away from the ring, but this in itself is a monumental struggle. The referee is counting him out! 3 – 4 – 5 – the smile on Funaki's face is broadening as Dynamite Kid struggles even to get to the apron – 6 – 7 – this is surely over. But wait! Behold the determination in Kid's reddened face! - 8 – 9 – te-

Kid defies all odds as he power-shuffles his way back into the ring just as the ref was at 9 and 962 thousandths! Funaki is momentarily stunned at this turn of events. He looks into the eyes of Dynamite Kid and sees the ire of a warrior refusing to take things lying down as he makes his last stand. He responds by beating the shit out of Kid, landing some shocking kicks and dropping his knees onto DK's temple. It seems like the ailing legend is a lost cause, until a tune is heard on the yacht that could chill even the hottest blood.

Funaki is gripped by terror, and the referee climbs out of the ring in an attempt to secure the perimeter from the vengeful, and quite possibly drunken attack of William Regal. After ensuring that he is nowhere near the ring, the official returns to see Dynamite Kid, back in his chair, smashing Funaki's head, repeatedly ramming it into a steel ringpost dozens of times! Funaki is bleeding and showing no signs of fighting back! The mortified official has no choice but to call for the bell and separate the two combatants.​

ANNOUNCER: The winner, on account of a disqualification, Shoichi FUNAKI!

The 8-person crowd respond with jeers and cat-calls, until they see that Funaki is really in a bad way – bleeding profusely, terrified, he coils up into a foetal position on the canvas and beckons for a mic. Kid looks on impassively. Someone in the crowd starts chanting 'ECW.' Funaki breathes in, painfully.

FUNAKI: Soft you; a word or two before you go.
I have done the state some service, and they know't.
No more of that. I pray you, in your letters,
When you shall these unlucky deeds relate,
Speak of me as I am; nothing extenuate,
Nor set down aught in malice: then must you speak
Of one that loved not wisely but too well;
Of one not easily jealous, but being wrought
Perplex'd in the extreme; of one whose hand,
Like the base Indian, threw a pearl away
Richer than all his tribe; of one whose subdued eyes,
Albeit unused to the melting mood,
Drop tears as fast as the Arabian trees
Their medicinal gum. Set you down this;
And say besides, that in Aleppo once,
Where a malignant and a turban'd Turk
Beat a Venetian and traduced the state,
I took by the throat the circumcised dog,
And smote him, thus.

Funaki breathes his last breath. The crowd is traumatised for the second time in twenty-four hours . Hunter S Thompson runs down to the ring, as quickly as a man who has had three quarts of grog can.

HUNTER: The second time in one day? What is this, Altamont? Cut this tape, Paolo! The brigadiers will soon be coming! Cut the tape!

We abruptly cut to Carlson Banks on the deck.

CARLSON BANKS: Oh my Lord! Funaki is dead! How could this have happened!? What does this mean now – for International Waters?

​

 

[Mark.]

This is as far as we've gotten so far, so now you're up-to-date.

DAY 3 - Preview

NATURE BOY VS. MAN OF 1000 HOLDS

We announced on Day 2 that this match is going to happen. Horseman vs Horseman - Ric Flair vs Dean Malenko. Not only will "The Nature Boy" grace us with his presence, but he is bringing a friend, with whom he will put on a classic match. We are so very honored to have Flair COMING OUT OF RETIREMENT to wrestle for our humble yacht. Flair has been oh-so generous to International Waters and we highly anticipate his arrival on board, with one of the great ring technicians, Malenko. WOO!


GOLDEN RETRIEVER SPEAKS

The Golden Retriever, the formerly known Christopher Daniels, has informed us that he wishes to lay down an important challenge for a future show. Since donning the mask and undergoing a dramatic personality change that has been evident on our two shows, Retriever has wanted to do something that will cement the fact that his career has taken a different path. Who does he have in mind to face and what will his reasons be?


WITHNAIL & I VS. HAROLD & KUMAR

You didn't see much of William Regal or Paul London on Day 2. You saw Regal try to get involved in the (tragic) match between Dynamite Kid and the late Shoichi Funaki, but apart from that, he spent most of his day drinking red wine and pints of lager in his cabin, which was annoyingly locked by his friend, Tajiri, who didn't want the cameras to embarrass Regal. London spent the whole day lounging in the sun on the upper deck, high as a kite and giggling, whilst looking at photos taken from space. Considering this went on for several hours, we didn't think it would be compelling viewing. How ticked off our producers were that the cameras weren't rolling when London explained his theory that the cure for cancer exists within meteors that have yet to land on Earth. But I digress. Day 3 of International Waters - William Regal vs Paul London. A dream match for fans of very talented wrestlers underutilised by Sports Entertainment. No doubt that these two are going to be putting on a wrestling clinic for our growing fanbase.


JEFF HARDY - DANSE CHAMPION?

Pictures have yet to be published of the Danse Championship, but it looks very much like the above.

On Day 2, Jeff Hardy declared himself the International Waters Danse Champion, a title which can apparently only be won through the medium of a dance contest. He defeated Sim "Deuce" Snuka, presumably through disqualification when, in an unfortunate accident, Deuce dropped a female audience member on her head. For those wanting an update on her condition, she was as well as she could've been when we got her off the boat, but our lawyers have advised us to not inform you of her eventual fate. Will Hardy defend his Danse title again?


VAL VENIS' OPEN CHALLENGE

Val Venis had very strong words for Matt Hardy when he explained why he did what he did at the end of the match that was supposed to be for the International Waters World Championship. Now it's time for action. In return for a free bottle of rum, Hunter S. Thompson did not buy into Venis' claims that Deuce had won the title, but instead has begrudgingly negotiated with Venis that he can make his debut match against anyone - besides Matt Hardy. He's on a mission to piss Matt off as much as possible and he might just succeed if he keeps this up. But who will his challenger be? An outside guest, or someone already on the roster?


This show is dedicated to the late, great Shoichi Funaki. Konichiwa, dear friend. Konichiwa.​

 

[Equimanthorn]

WHERE is Scott Hall?

Anyway, I LOL'd at this, particularly William Regal's attempts to complete the Withnail and I drinking game. I'd like to see him develop other elaborate drinking games over the course of this though.

 

[Mark.]

DAY 3
Written by Marketh. & Welbek


William Regal is shown staggering down a corridor on one of the lower decks of the yacht. He is bumping into things and has a dazed look on him, making it clear that he's already watched some of Withnail & I this morning. From his condition, that's at least 3 bottles of Bordeaux. He yells out to no one in particular:

WILLIAM REGAL: We want the finest wines known to humanity! We want them here and we want them now!

Suddenly, someone out of camera shot is heard, whose presence turns Regal's look of inebriation, to immense horror!

???: Hi-ho! [English accent]

Funaki is revealed, wearing a fine yet flamboyant suit and tie! HOW CAN THIS BE?! He continues to speak with the accent:

FUNAKI: I saw you earlier looking rather poorly, much like you seem now, so I had this sent over from the kitchen - chicken soup so lovingly prepared, even the chicken gets well.

Regal looks like he's about to have a heart attack.

REGAL: What in God's name...? THE FUCK?! HOW?!

FUNAKI: And once you're better, promise me you'll try the Schwarzwelder Kirschtoten. Okie-dokie, ta-ta!

Funaki leaves, but returns a couple seconds later.

FUNAKI: Oh, do pardon my manners. The name's Gil - Gil Chesterton!

Funaki leaves once again, with a polite smile on his face.

Regal is left standing, stunned by what he just saw.​

We are in the Captain's quarters, which seem to be doubling up as a crystal meth factory. Hunter S. Thompson is staring at the wall with dramatic intensity. A knock is heard at the door.

HUNTER S. THOMPSON: Come forth.

Carlson Banks enters the room, a look of concern etched upon his face.

HUNTER: Look who it is. Harry McGinty. I thought I told you to stay away from Tucson.

CARLSON BANKS: Listen, Hunter. We have a problem. Two problems to be precise. Firstly, Jeff Hardy... he's in no state to wrestle to-night. He's behaving erratically, and in his current state of mind, he's a danger to whoever he faces.

HUNTER: Don't tell me -

CARLSON: Yeah. He’s stone cold sober.

HUNTER: Give him some of this, it’ll loosen the bugger right up!

Hunter hands Carlson a large cardboard box, into which he throws a couple of bottles of absinthe, a few hundred pills and a plastic bag full of a suspect-looking brown sludge.

HUNTER: And what was the second problem? Don’t tell me that son of a whore Nixon is has gotten re-elected. If he has..

CARLSON: Erm... it’s nothing, buddy. Just an issue with the catering. I’ll take care of it.

Carlson leaves the room, outside of which a disgruntled DEAN MALENKO has been patiently waiting.

DEAN MALENKO: So, does the Captain know about Flair’s whereabouts? This is going to be the biggest match of my later career. I’d at least like to talk with him beforehand.

CARLSON: Don’t worry, Dean. He can’t meet you right now, but he is with us.

MALENKO: You do realise I’ve searched the entire yacht? I’ve even talked with some permanent members of your roster and they say that he’s no-showed every day now. What’s going on?

CARLSON: [Laughs unconvincingly] Ahahaha, those boys. That’s just the kind of hi-jinx they play on newcomers. We’re a very close-knit community, you know.

MALENKO: You may know me as a happy-go-lucky kind of guy, but I do have my serious side too, Carlson. I expect to see Ric before the match.

Malenko walks off to his cabin. Carlson Banks, visibly at his wits end, seems to be asking himself whether he should help himself to some of the box’s contents.​

William Regal comes through the curtain for his first match since losing to Funaki by DQ on Day 1, and is accompanied by his friend, Tajiri, who has been surprisingly moderate with his cocaine supply. After his encounter earlier today, you'd expect Regal to be a lot mroe shaken up than he currently is. Instead, he just appears very dizzy and his eyes pointed in the same direction as he walks.

Which is why he staggers, drunkenly, through the front row, knocking the fans out of his way and tripping up. Oh my...could it possibly be? Perhaps Regal, in the Withnail & I drinking game, has finally consumed an entire bottle of lighter fluid and gone blind?! Tajiri turns him in the direction of the ring and Regal bumps into the apron, before rolling in.

Next is the music of a man who has experimented with various drugs throughout the years. He lives a lavish lifestyle in LA and hangs out with pornstars. He's a straight-shooter. He likes to discuss his theories on space and mythical creatures such as tigers. He was recently fired from a very well-paying job. People think he's crazy, but he knows he's winning. He's Paul London.

London comes through the curtain wearing his astronaut costume.

William Regal vs Paul London

The following contest contains a hideously drunk, blind man and a baked Paul London.

The referee signals for the bell and William Regal immediately vomits in his corner!!! As everyone present appears disgusted or still in shock, Tajiri simply shakes his head back and forth, in disapproval. Regal soon breaks out with a cold sweat and faints, falling out of the ring, onto the hard floor. London sits on the top turnbuckle, takes his space helmet off, and lights up.

ONE HOUR LATER

The whole time that Regal has been passed out on the deck, London has been keeping the fans entertained with stories from the business.

PAUL LONDON: ...and Bob Holly once walked in when I was showering and I was like "Hey...? Sup?" and he just sorta looked me over and went "You didn't work out today." Then he just left and the card got changed to be jobbing to Sylvester Terkay.

Suddenly, Regal starts to come to, and is very slowly making his way back up to his feet, but he still doesn't seem to have a sense of direction. London notices Regal popping up behind the apron and runs towards him for a dive outside! He goes for a Plancha, but Regal staggers out of the way!!! London hits the floor with a loud, wooden thud and Regal is somehow suprised and starts asking what happened. Could it be he was moving anyway, without realising he was about to be dived on?!

10 MINUTES LATER

Both men have somehow made it back in the ring, and what's more amazing is that Regal is in control, trying to chain-wrestle with his opponent. But everytime he locks in a new hold, he only keeps it in for a few seconds before switching to something else, like a true technical master.

WILLIAM REGAL: Eugene! Stop moving.

Or not. London manages to roll out of a rear chinlock and get back to his feet. He waits for Regal to stand up, then bounces off the ropes Regal's facing, to deliver a running dropkick directly to the face! He gets knocked back out of the ring and lands in front of Hunter's and Carlson's announce table. He feels around until he knows where is and realises that Hunter has what he needs to recover from that dropkick.

REGAL: I MUST HAVE SOME BOOZE!

Hunter grabs his bottle of Wild Turkey.

HUNTER: Back away, fiend. This drink is for respectable citizens, such as I.

Regal, hearing Hunter's voice, makes a grab for any nearby liquid, but Hunter has none of this. He raises the Wild Turkey bottle up to smash over Regal's head, but London comes out of nowhere, Asai Moonsaulting onto Regal!!! The crowd erupts at this athletic move, which actually saved Regal from certain, bloody injury at the hands of our host. He rolls Regal back in the ring and ascends the top rope. 450 SPLASH!!! 1...2...3!!!​

LONDON: I DID IT, CRAB KING! 450 degree tornado bomb!

London celebrates among the cheering crowd, until Regal starts to show signs of life. He gets back inside, helps Regal up, then shakes his hand. But after he leaves the ring, Regal collapses again and vomits.



The lucky half-dozen or so individuals in the audience have rarely been this psyched in the history of International Waters! They go wild as Dean Malenko walks silently and deliberately towards the ring. He wipe away a single tear and then shoots the Four Horsemen symbol to ecstatic applause. As his music - mostly compromised of silence and someone whispering the words "Dean Malenko" at thirty second intervals - dies down, the atmosphere becomes even more energetic.

An entire symphony orchestra walk out in single file, and a red carpet is rolled out all the way to the ring. A hush descends. They begin to play Thus Spoke Zarathustra, but Flair does not appear. By the glorious crescendo of the song, there is still no Flair. As the orchestra members prepare to return backstage, a sheepish and anguished-looking Carlson Banks appears. Malenko is furious, and Carlson is damn near speechless.

CARLSON: I’m so sorry, Dean. I’m dreadfully sorry. Flair can’t fight to-day; we’re going to have to postpone the match.

MALENKO: What the fuck is wrong with you people? I travelled halfway across the world for this! I thought this was International Waters, not Orlando.

CARLSON: Mr. Malenko -

MALENKO: What happened to him in the space of a few hours that he can’t wrestle?

CARLSON: He - broke a leg whilst training.

MALENKO: You’re kidding? Well, I still want to talk to him, and I can imagine he got that far away from a yacht in the middle of nowhere using only one leg. Have him come out.

CARLSON: We can’t...you see...

Carlson wipes the sweat off his brow with a handkerchief. He pauses for a moment, and then begins to talk at an alarmingly fast pace, not stopping to breathe.

CARLSON: He was told that it was good to rehab his leg in sea water, so he and a doctor went off the boat into the ocean in one of those flotation device things. Well, they ended up getting carried away by a rip current and we couldn’t save them and then they ended up floating towards terrorist Islamist Somalian pirates who phoned me up about 3 minutes ago asking for 300 million Hungarian forint or they would chop off the digits of both men, starting with the doctor’s pinkie toe.

Carlson gasps for breath. Malenko looks stunned.

MALENKO: All I know is that I signed up to put on a 5* classic tonight. If you don’t give me the chance to do that, perhaps I’ll have to have that match - with you.

CARLSON: Mr. Malenko - we have one of the most vibrant and talented locker-cabins on the planet. You might not get the Nature Boy just yet, but I’m sure one of our boys would love to put on a sixty-minute classic with you.

MALENKO: Well, then, I -

(1:20 onwards)

Malenko is interrupted by what can only be the kid in the Rey Mysterio mask walking into the ring nonchalantly. He holds an 80s ghetto blaster aloft in the air, which is playing what can only be described as a horrific electro-jungle remix of Flair’s theme. Out comes Jeff Hardy, dancing erratically, almost like a chicken on speed. Malenko shoots him an aghast glance.

Jeff attempts to speak, but can only giggle uncontrollably and flap his arms around as though they were wings. He holds the belt up and points to it and to Malenko. Malenko rolls his eyes and beckons him towards the ring.

International Waters Danse Championship
Jeff Hardy © vs Dean Malenko

Hardy’s defence of the Danse championship begins with something uncharacteristic in this innovative style - Malenko puts out his arms for a Test of Strength and it initially seems that Hardy is willing to comply, but he lets go of one hand, and spins Malenko around, making the Man of 1000 Holds do a pirouette, and another one.

Ten Minutes Later

With an adroitness that puts his contender from last week, Deuce to shame, Hardy begins to swing dance a visibly irate Malenko who eventually lands some angry punches to the gut followed by a European uppercut that brings his opponent to the floor. Hardy, looking up at his foe from the canvas, seems like he can’t figure out why Malenko did such a thing.

Thirty Minutes Later

Hardy has caught onto the fact that if he dances, Dean will use it to land a (non-danse) move on him, so, in a strategy that has certainly pissed off his opponent, Hardy rolls out of the ring, ecstasy dances until the count of 18 or 19, and then leaps back into the squared circle for a couple of seconds. Over and over again! That is until Malenko connects with a tribute to another of his former team-mates, a diving headbutt to the outside! He drags Hardy into the ring. Wearily wanting the match to come to an end, Malenko tries to put Hardy into the Texas Cloverleaf, but Hardy spins out, and then does an unsuccessful attempt at break-dance in the centre of the ring.

Back on his feet, Hardy ducks a lariat by Malenko, who ends up in the corner. Hardy begins to bump and grind his unfortunate opponent, who has clearly had enough and headbutts Jeff with the pent-up rage of an underrated technician who has been danced at for almost an hour. He picks up hits Hardy with a Northern Lights Suplex, then slaps on the Texas Cloverleaf, at which point the bell rings immediately.​

CARLSON: Dean Malenko has been disqualified for bad vibes and insufficient levels of boogying on down. Your winner, and still International Waters Danse Champion, Jeff Hardy!

Malenko releases the hold in order to facepalm. In resignation, he seems to walk backstage with a quiet dignity - rumours that he choked out Carlson Banks with his own cravat are almost entirely false.

The unmistakable strains of I Wanna Be Your Dog play and the lights go out. They turn back on, and we see a very curious sight. There is a chain of twenty individuals dressed like The Golden Retriever. They are crawling towards the ring slowly. The first Golden Retriever is no older than a few months. A leash is attached to his neck that ties him to a slightly older and bigger Golden Retriever, and so the chain goes, with the 20th Golden Retriever crawling 7 ft tall and over 400 lbs. A cheap pyro get set off and a mist covers the interior of the yacht. When the mist clears. The true Golden Retriever is on his hands and knees alone in the middle of the ring, the other 19 have disappeared. It is a show truly fitting of International Waters' charismatic enigma!

The tune dies down and Golden Retriever beckons for a mic. Still standing on hands and knees, he does not have an arm free to pick it up. The kid in the Rey Mysterio mask places it on the floor for him, and he bends down to speak.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Have I not revolutionised this business? Every second of every day, I’m willing to give my blood, my sweat and my tears for this company. Because I have character. Because I have discipline. Because I stay true to the fans, and most importantly, I stay true to me, The Fallen Canine, Golden Retriever. That’s why you can’t take my pedigree and divide it by zero.

I just taught you a lesson about my identity. I may contain many, but I am one. The millions and millions of you in the Golden Retriever’s pack understand this. But there is one person out there who insists that I am living a lie. One person out there who feels I’m not being truthful to the pack. And tonight, I’m calling him out and challenging him to stand up and do this with honour and decency.

You all know him. You know the guy that they call the best living wrestler in the world. The guy whose intensity, story-telling and in-ring prowess can bring you to incomparable ecstasy . The man, the hero, that they call the American Dragon, Bryan Danielson.

All six or seven members of the crowd assembled at ringside whoop and holler at the mention of this certified legend.

RETRIEVER: Well tonight, I have one thing to say to him. And I can say this only once.
Your dog, Asparagus, and I need a serious talk.

RETRIEVER: You think that I’m not legitimate. I know you may be a great judge of character, Asparagus, but you crossed the line with me when you said I was neither golden, nor a retriever. Do I not pant? Do I not have fur? Do I not enjoy frisbee, long walks in the park and occasionally urinating in public? Oh, but I do. You are the most decorated and overachieving dog to-day. The top dog of the wrestling business. Your titles and glories are innumerable, and I know that by doing this, I may be luring a formidable opponent.

But I know you, like me, have honour. So soon, I invite you to International Waters, and let’s talk like true dogs. Perro a perro. I'm sure you share your owner's great judgment of character and will see, Asparagus, that I am for real. As we crawl into the most important wrestling ring on the planet, as we look each other in the colourblind eyes, as the world holds its collective breath, you, my friend, will come to realise that the Golden Retriever is for real. And if you don't, I'm afraid to say you’re going to be gone to the dogs. And that was the gospel according to the Fallen Canine!​

HELLO, LADIES!

Val Venis' classic WWE entrance theme hits (What's Jim Johnston gonna do about it?) and the remaining lady in the crowd goes wild. He struts out through the curtain to the ring, wearing his trademark towel. When he gets in the ring, he rubs his body and poses, until his music turns off. He grabs the microphone:

VAL VENIS: Hello...ladies! [The lady cheers and claps] Ladies, tonight is the International Waters debut of the greatest XXX superstud ever - me! The Big Valbowski...ha ha. The only difference is that I can wrestle the next man who comes through that curtain - as long as it isn't Fatt Hardy!

Matt Hardy is shown backstage, angrily looking at a monitor of the goings-on at ringside. He says under his breath:

MATT HARDY: God damn you, Val Venis...

We cut back to the ring.

VENIS: So anyone in the back, come on out here and show me what you got!

A few seconds of nothing but silence until...

He emerges from the curtain, wearing his exquisite suit and everyone present gasps in horror! They must not have seen or heard about his sighting earlier in the day. Venis' face is a ugly mixture of pure rage and shock.

FUNAKI: Hello! Gil Chesterton here. I heard about your challenge and I must say, it sounded like such good fun. I hope you don't mind if I were to partake? If you win, I'll offer you this scrumptious Rainbow Sherbert I got from a delightful little shop, back in Seattle.

VENIS: HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU BE HERE?!?!

FUNAKI: Perhaps I've come at a bad time. Cheerio! [Turns to leave]

VENIS: GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE! If you weren't dead before, I'll make sure you are when I'm finished with you! I still haven't forgotten you and Kaientai trying to cut my dick off in '98!!!

FUNAKI: I have no idea what you're referring to, you big, bulging, bruiser of a man. But if it means I get to wrestle, so be it. It's not just Millicent, my cat, that has claws, you know!

Val Venis vs Funaki

Funaki rather tentatively runs and slides into the ring, but is immediately stomped on by Val Venis. Hunter S. Thompson and Carlson Banks discuss the impossibility of Funaki being alive and well, considering he was buried at sea last night and they neglected to inform his family of the tragedy. They also wonder why Funaki suddenly believes he is radio food critic, Gil Chesterton, from the sitcom Frasier.

Funaki now seems to have the wrestling ability of a food critic, as he's getting his ass handed to him by Venis and is still wearing his dapper suit. He's trapped in the corner and getting mudhole-stomped in the face. Dynamite Kid killed him by ramming him face-first into the steel ring post dozens of times, but Funaki didn't have a single mark on him today, until Venis stomped on him repeatedly. Venis pulls him out of the corner and lifts him up for a devastating Fisherman Suplex! He then ascends the top rope and poses for the crowd. He leaps off and lands the Money Shot!!! Is he going to make quick work of the apparently-resurrected Funaki?! He doesn't go for the cover, however. Instead, he kneels down beside Funaki and punches him directly in the groin!!!

FUNAKI: YOU BRUTE!

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL. Venis delivers all sorts of blows - punches, forearms, elbows, slaps, headbutts, palm strikes, shoulder blocks, knee drops, leg drops, superkicks, dropkicks, bicycle kicks, enzuigiris, spinning backfists, uppercuts, European uppercuts, Fingerpokes of Doom and even chops, all to the groin! Some of the men in the crowd are in tears. Venis, finally satisfied with getting revenge on a Kaientai member for nearly castrating him in 1998, raises his arm in victory, despite the match not being officially over. Venis goes to leave the ring, but look who comes dashing to ringside!!!

It's Matt Hardy out to attack Venis! Funaki must be so pleased that Hardy has come to his rescue before Venis could inflict any real damage!!! After trading a few punches, Hardy manages to clothesline him out of the ring! Irate, Venis picks up a chair and throws it into the railing, nearly going overboard. He is clearly pissed off by Hardy getting the one-up on him. He heads back to his cabin. Hardy, pleased with getting some mild revenge, poses to the cheering crowd, then when he goes to leave, accidentally steps backwards on Funaki's groin. He gives a half-hearted apology then heads to the back.​

Due to Val Venis leaving the match, but Funaki also being in no condition to compete, the announcer declares this a No Contest. Funaki is lying in the middle of the ring, barely breathing and with a look of tremendous pain on his face. He only just manages to whisper to the referee that he wants the mic.

FUNAKI: I'm...dying... Never again to revisit the scene of my boyhood in Surrey, romping with my school chums in the fens and spinneys, where the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lumbert flame...

It was at this point that Funaki, or Gil Chesterton as he now liked to be called, died – again – this time of intense testicular trauma. As members of the crew, the fans, Thompson and Banks get in the ring to gaze in wonderment at Funaki's corpse, suddenly we are shown this footage:

What does this trailer have to do with International Waters? And how did Funaki come back from the dead? Tune in to Day 4.​

 

[Mark.]

The First Ever "International Waters" Little-BTB-That-Could Season Thus Far RECAP

- On Day 1, William Regal began playing the Withnail and I drinking game, which involves him matching the character, Withnail, drink-for-drink. Tormenting him on his way to completing the mission has been Funaki, who essentially cheated his way to a DQ victory over him. Funaki also scared Regal shitless by seemingly coming back from the dead and pretending to be Gil Chesterton, the English food critic from the sitcom Frasier. Slumping into an alcoholic depression has somehow hurt his career, suffering from losses in both his matches thus far. On Day 3, drinking lighter fluid caused him to go blind and cost him his match with Paul London, in what was easily Regal's poorest performance ever, in which he left the match to steal alcohol from Hunter S. Thompson. Monitoring him and helping whenever he can, has been old friend Tajiri. Tajiri has been trying to discourage him from the excessive drinking, but when he intervened on Regal's behalf in the Funaki bout, he caused the DQ. Tajiri has stepped back, to the point where he only seems to stand next to Regal, slowly shaking his head in dissapointment, indicating that perhaps he wants to encourage Regal to find his own way out of this downward spiral.

- Funaki has been arguably the most puzzling of International Waters' wrestlers. Day 1 - he shows up with a complete attitude change - cheating and stealing moves. Day 2 - in the biggest match of his life against the legendary Dynamite Kid, he is killed ringside by Dynamite, by having his head repeatedly rammed into the steel ring post. He recites Othello's final speech before his final breath. And Day 3 - he shows up backstage, in front of Regal, alive and well, and thinking he is Gil Chesterton. Then he accepts Val Venis' open invitation and is killed AGAIN, by Intense Testicular Trauma, as revenge for being part of Kaientai's plot to castrate Venis in 1998. He recites Gil's "Boyhood in Surrey" speech, as he dies this time.

- WWE's resident Shawn Michaels (HA!) of a split tag team, John Morrison, has been trying his damndest (his own word, points off for not using the same vocabulary) to become lead singer of The Doors, Jim Morrison. So far he has done half of a Starship Pain through his coffee table at the climax of L.A. Woman, recited the spoken-word segment of The End before missing a Starship Pain during a match, and managed to evoke not one hundredth the charisma of the man he wants to be. How will he progress as this season continues?

- Val Venis doesn't like Matt Hardy.

- Matt Hardy doesn't like Val Venis.

- Christopher Daniels, despite wearing a dog mask, calling himself The Golden Retriever, altering his catchphrase slightly and staging very elaborate entrances, hasn't changed very much. He still rambles in his promos with meaningless imagery and when discussing his opponents, he manages to stretch out "I respect you, you respect me. I'm a wrestler, you're a wrestler" into a parable. His in-ring style is no different, still trying to pass it off as legitimate technical wrestling, and his personality is exactly the same. Oh, apart from the fact he's challenged Bryan Danielson's dog, Asparagus, to a match down the line. Bye.

- Jeff Hardy seems to have forgotten entirely that he is a wrestler. Given extreme amounts of ecstasy, he never appears without dancing, sometimes with no music playing at all. As the special guest referee in the Triple Threat to crown an International Waters World Champion, he only stood on the entrance ramp, dancing to rave music that only existed in his head. This helped to cost Matt Hardy the championship, but they've been very forgiving of each other over the years, so Matt let this one slide. On Day 2, Jeff crowned himself the first ever International Waters DANSE Champion, which seems to only be able to be won by assumed victory. He has defended the title twice - against Sim Snuka who accidentally killed his swing partner, and Dean Malenko, who was determined to do nothing but wrestle.

- Sim Snuka hurts people.

- We eagerly anticipate the arrival of Ric Flair, anytime soon.

- CHAMPIONSHIP STATUS: The first ever International Waters World Champion was meant to be decided in a Triple Threat between Paul London, Sim Snuka and Matt Hardy with his brother Jeff as special guest referee. Due to the nonexistent officiating, Matt was decided as the winner when Val Venis ran to the ring in a referee shirt and made the count. He then attacked Hardy with the belt afterwards, mindfucking him. Due to Hunter S. Thompson's lack of presence for this match and Venis' attempts to manipulate him into thinking Deuce won, he abandoned the title until further notice. Will a champion be decided by the end of this season?

 

[Quasi Juice]

This is wonderfully retarded, and well written. I do agree 10 shows is enough with the same wrestlers because the Jeff Hardy dancing joke is already getting a bit meh. Love Ric Flair never showing up, 'cause he's stylin' and profilin' somewhere else. I also can't help but feel Lex Luger would make a great addition to the team.

 

[Mark.]

This is wonderfully retarded, and well written. I do agree 10 shows is enough with the same wrestlers because the Jeff Hardy dancing joke is already getting a bit meh. Love Ric Flair never showing up, 'cause he's stylin' and profilin' somewhere else. I also can't help but feel Lex Luger would make a great addition to the team.

Thanks, I like to think we can justify all craziness with good writing and booking.

 

[Mark.]

DAY 4 - Preview

INTERNATIONAL WATERS PRESENTS: "THE ROOM"

The rumours are true. Our host, Hunter S. Thompson has decided to stage a tribute to his new favourite independent movie - The Room. A tragic tale of love and deceit, told by the medium of bad acting, continuity errors, awkward dialogue and unrealistic characters. So you can see why many consider it one of the greatest movies of all time. In this preview, we will show you just some of the things you can expect from this tribute to The Room.


WISEAU SERIOUS?

We are honoured to have, in attendance, the director and star of The Room - Tommy Wiseau. A living enigma, Wiseau is a man of whom no one is certain of his country of origin, due to his undetectable accent. He is also adamant that The Room is a black comedy, intentionally bad in order to be funny, rather than just plain bad. He tours his creation around the world with screenings, and in some form, he will come on board to be a part of Day 4.


GUERRERO STREET DEATH MATCH

Wrestling fans, when they hear the name "Guerrero", immediately think of the great legend, Eddie Guerrero. In The Room, Guerrero Street has a hospital where a woman Mark (Wiseau's character, Johnny's, best friend) knew ended up in after fooling around with at least a dozen guys. Naturally, Johnny found the story hilarious. Sim "Deuce" Snuka has had a terrible start to his International Waters tenure. He dropped Paul London on his head, accidentally, and we are legally obliged not to mention the other incident. He is on thin ice, but he will have his chance to prove he is worth something, when he competes in this match against an unknown opponent.


DANSE TITLE ON THE LINE

Jeff Hardy has been dominant thus far as the self-crowned International Waters DANSE Champion. He's defended it twice against the naughty and nice, but this time he has to face a man whose good looks, charisma, presence and mojo are nowhere near the level of Jim Morrison. That's right, John Morrison.


RIVALS COLLIDE

The first few days of International Waters have been dominated by the animosity between two characters in particular - Matt Hardy and Val Venis. Their feud has shifted from the internet to the ring and so they must do battle. Whether this will be enough to settle it, who knows? But one thing is certain: Twitter is banned.


THE CAST OF 'THE ROOM' ONBOARD

We can't confirm who, but some of the cast will appear on the yacht. Could there be Lisa, Johnny's manipulative, cheating future wife? Mark, his best friend and Lisa's not-so-secret lover? Lisa's breast-cancer-suffering nagging mother, Claudette? Michelle's boyfriend? Michelle's boyfriend's girlfriend, Michelle? Tune in to Day 4 to find out.​

 

[Mark.]

DAY 4
Written by Marketh.

Carlson Banks is shown leaning on the railing of the main deck, smoking a cigarette. This is the first time he has been seen smoking, perhaps the havoc and surreality of life in International Waters is getting into him. Suddenly, he appears to spy something in the distance. The camera turns to show that it is a boat coming in our direction. Carlson doesn't know what it's for. If it was the cast of The Room, they would've sent a radio message. As the boat gets closer, he grows excited as he suspects who might be on it. It's a rather extravagant and stylish boat, covered in sequins and many young, beautiful women drinking champagne are on top of it. We can barely hear it, but music is blaring from the boat and we can hear it more as it gets closer. A wide smile forms on Carlson's face as he realises what the music is.

Could it be who he thinks it is? One of the biggest legends the wrestling business has to offer? The man who fans of International Waters have been eagerly waiting to appear, since its inception?

CARLSON BANKS: He's here! He's here! RIC FLAIR IS HERE!!! Everybody, come quick! The Nature Boy is here! WOO!!! WOO WOO WOO!

Whatever audience members and crew happen to be around quickly gather, as the music peaks, the closer the boat gets. As the song hits its climactic end, the boat stops next to our humble yacht. Carlson demands a crew member quickly pull down the gangway. Everyone stands in silence, nervous, but visibly excited to meet "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair. A door on the boat opens and everyone holds their breath. Out walks...

Carlson just stands there, mouth gaping with shock.

CARLSON: Uhhh...who...?
TOMMY WISEAU: Oh, hi Mark!

CARLSON: Tommy! When did you- Why is he- It's an honour to meet you, sir.
WISEAU: Yah, whassnoowithyou?
MARK: Oh, hey, how's it going?
WISEAU: Naht much, Mark. Hey, why don'chu go inside and getta cabin?

Mark leaves, carrying his luggage.

CARLSON: Tommy, why does his boat look and sound li-
WISEAU: Oh that's an interesting story he's a big Ric Flair fan, huhuhuh. Hey, you wanna play some football?
CARLSON: Um, sure...
WISEAU: Cool, I go get my tuxedo.

Tommy Wiseau leaves and the camera zooms in on Carlson's face - a perfect representation of his confusion and dissapointment. A familiar song plays as this happens:

Around midday, the 8-person audience have gathered in the front row, as the theme from The Room begins to play, and Tommy Wiseau, wearing his tuxedo and shades comes through the curtain to a warm reception. Chants of "Tommy! Tommy!" are heard and he shakes hands with everyone. He climbs into the ring and gives a pace sign with each hand. He's given a microphone and begins to speak in an accent that's a strange cross between Christopher Walken and Arnold Schwarzenegger:

TOMMY WISEAU: Oh, hi lady gentleman. My name is Tommy Wiseau is mah name. I am American indypendent movie director producer writer and I also starred in my creation, "The Room", which I created. [Applause, which Tommy bows to slightly before it begins]. I just want to say it's privilege to have this show be a tribute to The Room. It is a black comedy which I've intended to be an experience of true life. It deals with love, hatered, betrayal-

HELLO, LADIES!

Suddenly, Val Venis' music hits and he comes down the ramp, laughing with his devilish grin. He grabs his own mic and enters the ring.

VAL VENIS: Allow me to introduce myself. I am "The Big Valbowski" Val Venis, and I am-
WISEAU: Hi.
VENIS: [Awkward silence] Yeah, anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I am International Waters' resident realist. You see, I've informed Matt Hardy that he is a fat piece of shit that doesn't belong in this business. And just recently I told the world why nobody respects that coward, John Morrison. And now I'm gonna tell you straight to your delusional face why people really like The Room. It's because-

WISEAU: Thank you.
VENIS: SHUT UP! It's because people are laughing at it! None of you can freakin' act! The story is shit and has way too many plot holes and subplots that freakin' go nowhere! The continuity sucks! The characters are idiots and nothing makes sense! People are laughing at your film because it's fucking shit! They like to watch it over and over and over again to laugh at how shit it is.

WISEAU: It's black cahmedy.
VENIS: GODDAMMIT, SHUT THE HELL UP!

Venis leans in towards Wiseau, but Matt Hardy's theme hits and the first thing he does as he steps through the curtain is adjust his tank top to cover his gut. He gets a good reception from the crowd and tags their hands on his way to the ring. He borrows the mic from Wiseau.

MATT HARDY: Listen, Val. Nobody appreciates you coming out here and insulting a damn good movie. In fact, I'll go as far as to say The Room is one of the greatest movies of all time. [Crowd applauds, Wiseau stares into the distance] I truly identify with the main character, Johnny. A victim of a vicious love triangle, betrayed by who he thought was the love of his life, cheating on him with his good friend, a tall man with a beard. He feels like the whole world has turned against him. I'm not sure which aspect it is that I identify with, but I find him so intriguing. And I do not care for you coming out here and crapping over this awesome movie, especially when all you do these days is crap over stuff! AND I AM NOT FAT!

VENIS: The reality is, Matt, I don't like you. I have no respect for you and the reality of the situation is that I can't wait to get you in the ring tonight and teach you a thing or two about this business, which somehow you've learned nothing about despite being in it forever! You are a fat-

Wiseau leaves the ring and grabs a football from ringside. He starts to just throw it upwards and catch it repeatedly, his mind wandering.

VENIS: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! [Grabbing Wiseau's attention] You don't give a damn about wrestling, do you?! This is ridiculous, why are you here?!

WISEAU: It's The Room tribute show.
MATT: I have an idea, why don't you get more involved and be the special guest referee for tonight?
WISEAU: Yah, ok. I show you, Venis. I'll be tha referee.
VENIS: This is totally contrived and stupid. But I'm cool with this. Let's say we shake on it, Matthew. [Extends hand]

The crowd starts to boo and beg Matt to not try to accept, but Matt reaches his hand forward. Venis yanks his own away and runs it over his bald head as he loudly laughs! Matt, gritting his teeth, tries to jump Venis, but he just barely escapes, rolling under the ring, then he runs to the back. Matt stares at him as he leaves, visibly frustrated and says under his breath:

MATT: God damn you, Val Venis...

ANNOUNCER: The following contest is a Guerrero Street Death Match! The rules of this match are that all weapons are legal and you can only win by keeping your opponent down for the 10 count after successfully pinning him for 3. If this has been done successfully, you will still need Doggy's approval, to win the match!

The camera cuts to show Doggy sitting on the announce table and Hunter S. Thompson shocked as he just now realises he's there. Sim "Deuce" Snuka's music hits and comes through the curtain. This is his last chance to prove himself in International Waters. He's done nothing but fail thus far in his tenure and caused far too much damage. Hopefully he can have a safe Guerrero Street Death Match. Deuce waits for his opponent in the ring and pumps himself up for the match, but it's just silence. We wait for about a minute until a man in a buttoned-up white shirt comes through the curtain to no reaction at all.

HUNTER S. THOMPSON: Ho, who is this man?

???: Um, excuse me everybody. Hello, my name is Steven. I understand that there was an opponent scheduled, but for some reason he has not shown up. You see, when the guy who played Peter in the movie quit the production, I was asked to replace him for the last third of it. As I'm sure you all remember, I caught Lisa and Mark together and told them what they were doing was going to ruin Johnny. I'm also known for the immortal line "I feel like I'm sitting on an atomic bomb, waiting for it to go off!"

He pauses for an applause, but just gets one crowd member asking who he is, already forgetting.

STEVEN: To get straight to the point, I've been asked to be the second for this match. [Suddenly, rips his shirt off] And like an atomic bomb, I'M GOING TO EXPLODE, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Guerrero Street Death Match
Sim "Deuce" Snuka vs Steven

The bell just rings and we have Deuce in a death match against a complete stranger. Last time we had Deuce interacting with a non-wrestler, it ended in tragedy and hopefully this won't be the case again. Steven tears his trademark white shirt off and charges towards the ring, but is immediately met with a Baseball Slide dropkick to the face! He is knocked down on the floor and Deuce slides out of the ring. He grabs Steven by the neck and throws him into the front row, knocking down some chairs and a couple fans. You can hear Carlson Banks cringing on commentary at that. Deuce lays the boots into Steven's face before picking up one of the chairs and tossing it hard onto Steven's back. He then pulls him up and irish-whips him into the railing of the deck. He approaches, but Steven ducks down and attempts a Backdrop overboard!!!

HUNTER S. THOMPSON: FINALLY! Some poor bastard's going overboard!

But he can't lift Deuce high enough, so Deuce manages to get his feet back on deck. He quickly grabs a nearby chair and throws it directly at Steven's face!!! It bounces off and falls in the water with a splash, as Steven goes down!

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...

Steven makes it back to his feet late into the 10-count as we cut to a closeup of Doggy looking mysterious, yet wise.

FIVE MINUTES LATER

Steven has been getting his ass-kicked this entire time by Deuce, who is finally looking impressive with the ruthlessness he is showing, despite beating up an untrained, Z-list actor. He has Steven trapped in the corner and delivers a stiff series of chops, forearms, punches and headbutts before his opponent collapses in the corner. Steven tries to escape the ring and Deuce helps him by literally kicking him out. He stalks him around ringside until they reach the announce table. A manic look emerges on Deuce's face and he sets Steven up for a Powerbomb! Carlson gets the fuck out of dodge, leaving Hunter to take a shot of some unknown beverage. Deuce POWERBOMBS Steven through the announce table!!!

HUNTER: AGGGHHH!!! WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?! AGGGHHH!!! YOU EVIL BASTARD, I'LL SEE YOU HANG FOR THIS!

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10!!!

Deuce celebrates the win by collapsing on his knees and shouting "YES!" repeatedly. He's finally got a win in International Waters and may have retained his job. What he's forgotten is that it's not over until the pug dog says so. The camera pans over to Doggy and he's gently shaking his head in disapproval! The match is still going![/SPOILER]
Suddenly, the lights go out! A lady screams, even though it's 1 o'clock in the afternoon and broad daylight. A tune recognisable to many starts to play:

The lights turn back on and shine incredibly bright towards the entranceway, as you can just make out that a man in a sharp suit, walking awkwardly has emerged. It's...it's...

He's back, and still nobody knows why! He walks over towards Carlson and asks "Papers arrived yet, Fawlty?"

Funaki's back and thinks he's...The Major from Fawlty Towers?!?! Is he some sort of schizophrenic Lazarus now?!​

FUNAKI: Sorry I'm late, Fawlty. I knew I had a match, but I couldn't find my way out of this hotel. I was quite the greco-roman, myself... back in my day, who am I facing?

Carlson nervously points at Deuce.

FUNAKI: This WOG?!

Guerrero Street Death Match
Sim "Deuce" Snuka vs Funaki

Deuce, although freaked out by Funaki's appararent repeat resurrections, jumps him and tosses him into the ring. He ignores a beaten-up Steven and gets in the ring to launch an attack on Funaki, who ducks under a punch, bounces off the ropes and connects with a Bulldog!

FUNAKI: I say, old boy!

Funaki uses his chance to ascend to the top rope, much to the crowd's delight. But he stalls to check the time on his gold pocketwatch! Deuce recovers and springs off the middle rope to deliver a pathetic-looking Enzuiguri that knocks Funaki down to the floor. BUT HE LANDS DIRECTLY ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD!!! Very quickly, blood is starting to flow and everyone is panicking, except Deuce. He's demanding the referee start the count, but he's having none of it and calls the bell, despite this being a Death Match.​

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a No Contest!

This is met with a sad silence, as people worry for Funaki's safety. A medic comes out to check his pulse, but he looks up towards Hunter S. Thompson and shakes his head, confirming he died on impact. Doggy makes a sad growl.

Hunter grabs a mic and turns toward Deuce:

HUNTER: That's it you bastard, YOU'RE FINISHED! You spilled some good beverage, you beat the shit out of a guest on this boat and you just KILLED A GODDAMN AMERICAN HERO! Get the fuck out of my boat, your run here's over! You are fucking useless!

DEUCE: B-but, it's a death match! And that actor challenged me! And Funaki's died twice and came back! He'll be back tomorrow!! I guarantee it! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

HUNTER: Security! Get his Samoan ass on the first boat back to land.
DEUCE: God, why does this keep happening to me?!

Deuce is dragged kicking and screaming back inside. This'll be the last of him, but will it be the last of Funaki?

He introduced Bryan Danielson to the music of "Europe".

They met at the Texas Wrestling Academy. He was the top student.

Everytime he barks, Jimmy Jacobs gets sad.

He defeated James Gibson for the ROH World Championship, then laid down for Danielson. The Gibson/Dragon match was simply a formality.

He bit one of Takeshi Morishima's testicles off, in retaliation for detaching Danielson's retina.

He punched John Cena in the ear.

Gabe Sapolsky is his biggest fan and is waiting until the timing is right to sign him.

He remains the true WWE United States and GHC Jr. Heavyweight Champion.

Day 5, he goes to the pound with The Golden Retriever.

ASPARAGUS - THE WONDER DOG​

Hunter S. Thompson is shown in his cabin, with Tommy Wiseau, discussing the passing of Funaki.

TOMMY WISEAU: Is a shame this happened. You know, if a lot of people love each other, the world would be a better place to live in.

HUNTER S. THOMPSON: That's true, true. Vicious lies, but true nonetheless. [Opens his drinks cabinet]

HUNTER: HOLY GODDAMN JESUS! WHAT IS THAT THING?! KILL IT! KILL IT!

WISEAU: That's just Denny. Oh, hi Denny, whassnoowithyou? Why are you in there?
DENNY: I just like to watch you guys.
WISEAU: Ah-huhuhuh.
HUNTER: Could you just pass me that tequila bottle there? Thanks. [Closes cabinet on Denny] Guy gives me the creeps...


ANNOUNCER: The following contest is for the International Waters DANSE Championship!

"Light My Fire" by The Doors hits and John Morrison emerges from the curtain, not dressed in his wrestling attire, but exactly like Jim Morrison:

It's gonna be hard for him to dance in such tight leather, but at least the shirt is loose. He meanders towards the ring, miming the lyrics and rolls inside. Jeff Hardy's music then comes on and the champ doesn't show for about a minute, until he shuffles his feet very slowly down the entrance ramp, to a warm reception. Uh oh. This could be ominous. The referee has to hold the ropes open for him. Once Jeff is in the ring, he hands his belt over and it's time to dance.

International Waters DANSE Championship
Jeff Hardy vs John Morrison

A staredown commences between the two, or at least, that's what John Morrison wants. Jeff Hardy is just leaning against the corner, staring at his shoes. After a few seconds of waiting, Morrison assumes he should go first and grabs a mic. He tries to speak in a Lizard King-esque whisper/drawl:

JOHN MORRISON: Hey mister music man...play My Wild Love...I'm serious you gotta play it, man...

The sound engineer giggles to himself at the lame impersonation, which has too thick of an accent. The crowd seems perplexed by this song choice. The Doors have had many songs you could get on down to, but this slow, a capella, Native American chant influenced track sounds near impossible to dance to. He starts to move strangely. It's not quite a strut, not quite a dance. It's just movement. For those familiar with The Doors, it looks very similar to...

That's it! He's just copying Mr Mojo Risin move-for-move. The dance was influenced by American Indian tribes and so was My Wild Love. The audience, whether or not they know this, are finding the experience incredibly strange and have no idea what's going through Morrison's head. It's completely out of rhythm and too fast for the song. After nearly 3 minutes of this, Morrison mercifully ends it, with the dance not reaching a climax, staying the same throughout. Pleased with his performance he climbs the middle rope and yells:

MORRISON: WE WANT THE WORLD AND WE WANT IT NOW!

He looks over to Jeff as if to say "Top that, you punk-ass biatch" and the same techno music from Jeff's entrance starts to play. He timidly steps forward, whilst looking very drowsy and begins to:

Where did all this energy come from?! Jeff waves his arms and thrusts all over the place. We all know he regularly takes ecstasy, but this is something else. 0-100mph, instantly! Morrison may be trying to imitate a drug-induced dance coma, but Jeff is living it right now! Jim Morrison would be proud if he ever truly cared about dancing or other people's drug habits. Jeff displays how versatile he is - switching it up from Psychadelic Electro Monk to Ecstatic Turbogasm! The song ends on Jeff's terms as he springs into the middle of the ring, directly in front of Morrison and stops moving completely. He gets a standing ovation from the crowd and it's obvious who won.​

ANNOUNCER: Here is your winner and STILL International Waters DANSE Champion - JEFF HARDY!

Jeff Hardy retains the title he created for the third consecutive time and John Morrison is forced to head to the back in shame. He has yet to win at anything and isn't coming closer to becoming his idol. Jeff can sympathise with this. When he was a boy, he wanted nothing more than to become the next Shawn Michaels. He would practice elbow drops and Superkicks on his trampoline and dye his hair bleach-blonde to look like he was one of The Rockers. When he was told he didn't have the mic skills or the in-ring talent of The Heartbreak Kid, it devastated him and he didn't think he could achieve his dream job of being a WWF wrestler. But he did just one thing to redeem himself and win it all:

Paul London is seen hanging out on the top deck, as he usually does, with a small bong and an orange inflatable dolphin. A stressed-out man in a suit and glasses comes through the door.

???: Hey, Paul...
PAUL LONDON: Do I know you?
???: It's me, Peter.

LONDON: Uh...huh...
PETER: God, it's all a mess, isn't it? Funaki's dead, Val Venis and Matt Hardy are at each other's throats and William Regal just tried to hit me with a pint glass.

LONDON: Ok...you want some of this...?
PETER: No, man. You shouldn't smoke that stuff, it's bad for you.
LONDON: Explain.

5 MINUTES LATER

PETER: [Exhales] And there's this retarded kid called Denny! HAHAHAHahahaha!
LONDON: Oh man, I knew a retarded guy once.
PETER: And one time, I swear, I think he tried to have a threesome with Johnny and Lisa. HE'S FUCKING HILARIOUS! Man, I'm so high...

Weed: Brought to you by Paul London

ANNOUNCER: The following contest is your MAIN EVENT of the evening!

As the main lights turn on due to night falling, the guest referee, Tommy Wiseau, stands in the ring, still wearing his tuxedo and black shades.

HELLO, LADIES!

Val Venis' music hits and he makes his way to the ring, wearing his towel over his attire. He gets in Wiseau's face, who remains looking bored, while receiving inaudible verbal abuse. That song about slapping tomatoes hits and Matt Hardy comes down to the ring, tagging the hand of the only fan who reached out to him, on the way.

Val Venis vs Matt Hardy
Special Guest Referee: Tommy Wiseau

Matt Hardy shakes Tommy Wiseau's hand, who signals for the bell to ring. Val Venis then uncharacteristically extends his hand to Matt. The crowd starts booing, knowing that deception could be taking place again tonight. Regardless, Matt is an advocate of good sportsmanship and shakes Venis' hand. But Venis slaps him right across the face!

VAL VENIS: Hey, what's that over there?

Both Wiseau and Matt look to one side and Venis kicks Matt directly in the balls, making him collapse in pain. He gets down and attempts a Small Package, but he also grabs the tights! ... ... ...1... ... ...2... ... ...kickout! Wiseau was incredibly slow to react to that count and The Big Valbowski demands of him to count faster. Matt slowly gets to his feet, but is met with a fingerpoke to the eye! He then gets yanked down onto the canvas by his long hair and is spat in his face! Venis goes to leave the ring, but not before nonchalantly stepping on Matt's face on the way out. He grabs a steel chair and comes back into the ring with it! Wiseau may not know much about wrestling, but he knows that must be illegal.

TOMMY WISEAU: Do you understand LIFE?! [They grapple with the chair]

He tries to wrestle it free from Venis' grasp, not seeing Matt trying to get to his feet behind him. Venis' evil smile starts to appear on his face and he suddenly lets go of the chair! Wiseau accidentally pulls it back and whacks Matt in the head with the steel!!! His face is a look of shock and horror at his own actions!

Matt appears to be unconscious and Venis goes for the cover! The evil man puts both his feet on the TOP rope for extra leverage!!! 1.2.3!!!​

ANNOUNCER: Here is your winner...VAL VENIS!!!

Not only did Tommy Wiseau just hit Matt Hardy in the skull with a steel chair, he also followed Val Venis' orders for a faster count, and cost him the match. Without these incidents, Matt was sure to get his revenge on Venis. Speaking of whom, his evil grin re-emerges on his face and for the third time tonight, offers to shake hands with Matt. The crowd is yelling loudly to not take the bait and to keep some form of dignity. However, Matt must think that by admitting the better man won, he can put an end to this feud. He reaches his hand forward and to the surprise of everyone, Venis follows through and they shake hands! Until he stomps on Matt's foot and bolts out of the ring!!! He runs backstage, out of sight and Matt is raging!

MATT HARDY: GODDAMMIT, VAL VENIS, YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE! YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE AND I HATE YOU! WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME?! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!! GET OUT OF MY LIFE! YOU ARE A BITCH! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!

He then turns to Wiseau, who simply shrugs is shoulders and says "Sorreray", which probably means an apology. Matt stuck up for him earlier and got screwed in return, so he kicks Wiseau in the gut and delivers a Twist of Fate!!! The crowd cheers wildly and Matt has singlehandedly put an end to International Waters' The Room Tribute Show. He leaves the ring and Wiseau is left laying, flat on his face, on the canvas.

HUNTER S. THOMPSON: So what the hell is this movie about, anyway?​

 

[Mark.]

Day 5 - Preview

THE NATURE BOY BECKONS

Due to unforeseen circumstances, legendary grappler and bon vivant, Ric Flair, was unable to appear in what would no doubt have been a 5* classic with fellow Horseman, Dean Malenko. But fear not, IW fans! Management on the yacht have been in contact with the man who manages Mr. Flair's internet website, and we have received a prompt and very encouraging response: he is looking forward to speaking with us at some point soon, and our call is important to him. With this high level of support, we are highly encouraged about Flair's future participation on professional wrestling's most notorious water surface vehicle!


ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT

Speaking of Flair, the IW yacht is still buzzing - and Hunter S Thompson is still doubling his daily intake of rum - after the events of day 4, where Tommy Wiseau, Denny and other colourful characters from The Room launched a so-called 'tribute' to their unique black comedy. Peter got introduced to the wonderful world of marijuana by expert wizard Paul London, Denny almost gave HST a heart attack by 'watching' him and Tommy Wiseau bungled his guest referee duties and ended up a twist of fate'd for his troubles. What after-effects will The Room experience have for IW?


A FEUD THAT NEVER DIES

Before you ask, no, IW cannot promise to provide an explanation as to why Funaki appears to keep dying and being resurrected as different supporting characters from pop culture phenomena. What we can promise, however, is that we will not let it get in the way of good wrestling and bringing this feud of the ages between Funaki and one Mr. William Regal to a close.


KINGS OF DANSING

Having made three flamboyant defences of IW's exclusive danse title, Jeff Hardy becomes the most successful champion in the history of our water-bound promotion. He has vanquished John Morrison, Dean Malenko and Sim 'Deuce' Snuka, leading our loyal viewers to wonder, is there anyone who can out-boogie the Antichrist of Professional Ecstasy-Fuelled Techno Dansing?

Wonder no more. For Day 6, we have promised Jeff Hardy his toughest opponent yet - a big name with an impressive dance background - to ensure that our danse division is the most competitive league that money and illicit class-A drugs can buy.


WAR OF ATTRITION

The twots of the Twittersphere are talking about little else: a huge feud between two of their own co-twatters, Val Venis and Matt Hardy, which has been brewing since Day 1 of International Waters. They finally fought each other at Day 4 in a controversial match that both men will doubtless have much to say about on Day 5.


GUEST OF HONOR

International Waters has been the home from home for some of the greatest stars in the wrestling universe, but the greatest of them all is set to come aboard on Day 5. 'American Dragon' Bryan Danielson, a young man with a promising future in wrestling, accompanies the most electrifying dog in sports entertainment to-day, a dog who can strike fear into any animate object's heart and who is rumoured to have body-slammed Yokozuna with the power of his mind alone, Asparagus the Wonder Dog. Our very own Golden Retriever has traduced Asparagus in days prior, and has demanded a response. On day 5, they will come face to face in a confrontation that is likely to outshadow even classic wars such as Punk vs Joe, Kobashi vs Misawa and G-d vs Egyptians. Be there or kindly be square.​