Wrestling Forum banner

1 - 2 of 2 Posts

2,791 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Here is a collection of Amsterdam's "15 things I learned from RAW"

From the October 18th edition of RAW:

1. The Big Show's headband looks incredibly stupid when seen on SmackDown on SyFy. When seen on Raw on USA, it looks even more stupid.

2. According to The Awesome One, what happens between The Big Show vs. The Miz on SvR 2011 is NOT what happens in real life.

3. The computer Raw GM is bigger bitch to Teddy Long than John Cena is to Wade Barrett.

4. For once, Canada wanted Bret...and didn't get shit. As that fat kid from The Simpsons would say...Hah-HA!

5. After an epic battle of Million Dollar tug of war between 2 similar-looking blonde valets, one question remains...Did Aksana out-run Maryse, or was it Mayse that outran Aksana?

6. Friday Night SmackDown is, in real life, a Smurf Villiage located next to a nuclear power plant.

7. If Edge were a Smurf, he'd be the Smurfette.

8. Daniel Bryan may be the best techical wrestler in the WWE, but he is also the worst dancer of all time.

9. Vickie Guerrero has better ducking ability against glitter than George Bush against a pair of shoes.

10. Despite CM Punk jobbing to The World's Largest Athlete multiple times, he is the first person The Miz turns to for advice against facing The Big Show.

11. Alex Riley is an illusionist...who accompanies The Miz and Team Raw to the ring, but dissapears once the match starts.

12. Hornswoggle wearing a Viking helment and Braveheart facepaint = a bigger fail than Hornswoggle wearing a helmet and DX merchandise.

13. Even though it has no taste whatsoever, Wade Barrett thinks water is delicious.

14. Jack Swagger likes to do his victory dance whenever The Big Show's music plays.

15. The Team Raw t-shirts are incredibly easy to tear off, but Team SmackDown t-shirts cannot be torn.

To which TripleG added:

1) If you really want to stick it to your enemy, the best way to do it is throw glittering confetti all over your foe. That'll show 'em!

2) John Cena raising Barrett's is the culmination of a master plan.

3) Michael Cole is the worst tweener of all time.

4) WWE is backed by Jesus, so vote Linda McMahon to the Senate in 2011.

5) Vickie Guerrero, Michelle McCool, Layla El, & Hornswoggle are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and spell doom for any show they are a part of.

6) Chanting "We Want Bret!" means you won't get Bret.

7) The money spent on the Big Show's upcoming movie could have been used to save starving children in Africa.

8) A blue Leprechaun yelling incoherently into the mic constitutes legit & exciting sports commentary in the world of the WWE.

9) Wade Barrett is Nick Frost minus about 200lbs. That Slim Fast diet really did the trick.

10) If Michael Cole says that Daniel Bryan has never been with a girl, then it must be true.

11) The only way the Raw GM can communicate with Michael Cole is through that one laptop. Apparently he does not have access to a phone of any kind, or nobody that works in the WWE does.

12) Teddy Long has control of the show because he says so.

13) Michael Cole likes wrestlers because they are handsome & "Dashing"

14) The talk of Smackdown's win last year & Big Show winning the battle royal tells us that Team Raw will win on Sunday.

15) I was watching Disney's Sleeping Beauty during commercial breaks...50 year old animated film about a dumb blond >>> Raw

From the October 25th Episode of RAW:
1. By beating Sheamus cleanly, Santino beat the man that destroyed Triple H. Therefore, Santino Marella must be stronger than Triple H.

2. Wade Barrett has the authority to call championship matches and decides who gets to be WWE Tag Team Champions. Yeah, those belts really ARE that useless.

3. DING DING DING. Is the Raw GM the match bell? ...I knew we'd never see it coming.

4. Eve Torres and R-Truth made it official - The Miz is the WWE equivalent of Kermit the Frog. When "Dashing" Cody Rhodes heard this, he found it do be "deschpitckable".

5. We get it, creative. LayCool are unstoppable. Do us all a favor, make them co-Divas Champions for life, and save us 5 minutes of weekly air time.

6. According to the King, you can't wear WWE merchandise to voting polls. Agreed. If I had a fat, sweaty, 40-year-old man, that hasn't washed his ass in a week, in an orange John Cena shirt, behind me in a 3 hour line just to get to the ballot, I wouldn't want to vote either.

7. If you're an annoying Italian jobber in a cowboy outfit about to face an Irish human jar of mayonaise, and you know you're about to get the shit beaten out of you, just remember, John Morrison will randomly show up and protect your ass.

8. Kaitlyn showed up on Raw with Vickie Guerrero, which means....nah fuck it. Kaitlyn's hot. End of story.

9. If John Cena's Nexus armband is made of removable Velcro, why the heck didn't he just strap it on his arm in the first place?

10. David Otunga's 24 hour WWE Tag Team Championship reign will go down as the greatest momemnt in Monday Night Raw history. His historical reign was so epic, I had sex with the moon.

11. CM Punk can't remember who Kaitlyn is, or his guest spot on NXT. However, he still managed to commentate without his pants on again.

12. R-Truth would like a taste of Mr. Kermit. Truth please... If you took the time to watch Family Guy, you would know from Lando that doing toad isn't cool.

13. The Miz may resemble of Kermit the Frog, but as the former captain of Monday Right Raw, he makes a terrible Scooby Doo.

14. It took Wade Barrett 5 months, 3 Nexus members, and 2 world title shots to realize Cena would never be Nexus, but Against Us. Maybe "Never Give Up" should be HIS slogan.

15. Nexus's involvement with Kane is none of our business, unless David Otunga doesn't get his M&Ms.

From the November 1st episode of RAW:

1. Randy Orton thinks Wade Barrett is a child that hides behind 7 other men. Randy please, Barrett only hides behind 6 other men.

2. Sheamus isn't upset that Santino has beaten him, because Sheamus has beaten himself. Wait, what?

3. If you're an annoying Italian about to get your ass kicked by the Human Jar of Mayonaise, give him your cash. If that fails, give him your credit card. If that fails, write him a check. If that fails, don't worry. John Morrison will still randomly show up and protect your ass.

4. When John Morrison found out that an MNM reunion wouldn't work because his last name is no longer Nitro, he decided to reform APA instead - the Abdominal Protection Agency.

5. Contary to popular belief, The Kool-Aid Man is NOT Mark Henry's idol. That title belongs to Pee Wee Herman.


7. Daniel Bryan is a pervert. That finger he holds up? We don't know where it's been.

8. Ted DiBiase thinks Maryse is a distraction for him in the ring. You're right Ted. We can't keep our eyes off her tits either.

9. Due to burying every other Diva in the locker room, LayCool has decided to give Natalya a third chance at winning the Divas Championship. Where's the joke? There isn't one. Seriously, if Natalya dosen't win the belt this time, we riot.

10. Stephanie was just dreaming. You heard it from Triple H himself - Vince McMahon IS in a coma. Those bazillion videos of him telling us to Stand Up For WWE? They don't really exist..

11. Freddie Prinze Jr. is Vince McMahon's doctor? Darn. I was so looking forward to Scooby Doo 3.

12. BY THE POWER OF AWESOME! The Miz is right. He-Man and The Masters of the Universe kicks Pee Wee's Playhouse ass so hard it's not even funny.

13. Don't mess with The Pee. He's secretly related to The Big Show.

14. Jerry Lawler thinks that David Otunga has talent. Jennifer Hudson must have promised him a blow job.

15. Randy Orton told R-Truth that if John Cena helped Barrett win tonight, he isn't friends with him. R-Truth won tonight, so John Cena is friends with Da Zookeepah. Given the choice between the two, I'd rather not have any friends.

From the November 8th Episode of RAW:

1. According to Wade Barrett, Randy Or-uh dosen't have an army of men at his disposal. So, AND I QUOTE, the Raw GM decided to make tonight's main-event Team Barrett vs. Team Or-tah.

2. The Divas had a tag team match. They got a reaction from the crowd. Yep, December 21st 2012 is that much closer.

3. Michael Cole loves Tyson Kidd and thinks he's awesome. P.S. - don't tell The Miz.

4. The Million Dollar Championship is worth a million dollars. Not really. It's actually only worth $125,000...IT'S STILL REAL TO ME DAMMIT!

5. Goldust was so hurt by Aksana's betrayal during their wedding on NXT, that he painted tears on his face. AWWWWW! I haven't gotten this choked up since I re-watched The Fox and The Hound. Seriously, why'd that fat bitch leave him in the woods?

6. David Otunga still can't wrestle, but he can rock an NXT hoodie, glittery N and all, like a pro.

7. John Cena is WWE. WWE is John Cena. Really Josh? Tell that to the half of the crowd that was booing him out of the building.

8. Despite what happened to Darren Young and Michael Tarver, David Otunga proved you can be a black member of Nexus, lose to John Cena, and still remain in the group....at least untill he loses to Edge on Friday.

9. During his free time, John Cena enjoys the comfort of watching clips of previous WrestleManias while staring off into the blank abyss.

10. Stand Up For The WWE - now officially sponsored by the mediocre children of legendary Hall of Famers.

11. If you're blue, and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits,
Santino on the Ritz.

12. If you're an annoying Italian jobber about to get beaten up by an Irish human jar of mayonaise, dress up in a suit and invite him to a tea party. If he shows up, offer him ginger tea. If he silently declines, call him a ghost. If he dosen't laugh, tell him he's been exposed to raditation. Continue to make fun of his pigmentation untill the GM makes match. If you accept the match, get yourself disqualified. If the Irishman is still pissed, and is about to kill you....don't worry....because John Morrison will STILL show up and protect your ass.

13. It's time to get crunk. It's time to get buck. It's time to step it up. Knuckle up, and blow th....sorry Zookeepah, but I don't think Manchester gives a shit.

14. After a double exposure of the truffle shuffle, there is no doubt that Mark Henry and Husky Harris are the most likely to win the DITB (Donut in the Bakery) match @ Mania 27. Make it happen Vince.

15. Josh Matthews just proved why he should be the play-by-play commentator for Monday Night Raw. He was more entertaining tonight than Jerry Lawler has been in years. If he's not drafted to a main brand next April, we riot.

From the November 15th RAW:

1. Not only is Jerry Lawler back, but he's also not wearing a t-shirt, a memory in black and white, and just called all the Hall of Famers dead. Yep, I miss Josh Matthews already.

2. Wade Barrett never really cared for old school. I can dig it.

3. Sometimes Tony liked it in the ass. Sometimes Rocky didn't wanna do it in the ass. Sometimes Tony wanted it behind the dumpster at McDonalds. But Rocky didn't like doing it at McDonalds. Rocky liked Burger King. Sometimes Tony wanted to pull the skin off his scrotum, but Rocky never liked the skin. He'd always pull the skin off and leave it on the floor. Tony'd pick it up and eat it from floor because it was SKINLICIOUS! Sometimes Tony would...

4. Yoshi Tatsu's death wish is to die like that bald guy from The Last Samurai.

5. R-Truth continues to involve himself in the CeNeuxs angle. Why gives a fuck, I have no fucking idea. Speaking of old school, Mean Gene kept giving R-Truth an angry look. Why is there was a black guy standing three feet away from him, HE has no fucking idea.

6. Sheamus accepted John Morrison's offer for a match at Survivor Series with a brouge kick to the face. But seriously John, how could you NOT see a 6 1/2 foot tall pale ginger running full speed directly towards you.

7. Never give Sheamus coffee in Milan. He'll more than likely harrass you.

8. Alex Riley lost to John Cena in a match. What a tragic waste... That "Raw is War" t-shirt was a best-seller.

9. Mae Young defeated LayCool. Hey, what-the-fuck-ever, people. Anybody that can sleep with Mark Henry, carry his child for 9 months, and then give birth a hand, I ain't saying shit about.

10. Aksana's mother is apparently fatter than Dusty Rhodes. No wonder Aksana became a fitness model.

11. Ted DiBiase dosen't like hand-me-downs. Really Ted? Let's see: music up untill about 2 months ago - belonged to Legacy. The Marine series - belonged to John Cena. The Million Dollar Championship - belonged to Ted DiBiase Sr., Virgil, Steve Austin, Goldust, and Aksana. Maryse's neither-reigions - belonged to The Miz.

12. DAMN!

13. Looks like Ted's finally going after some REAL gold - the US Championship! Well, it's a step up from what he did have at least. Daniel Bryan vs. Ted DiBiase on the microphone... sounds epic.

14. The Iron Sheik is still fat. Santino Marella is still annoying. Vladimir Kozlov is the younger clone of Nikolia Volkoff. I don't know who the fuck Slick is. There. I just summarized 5 minutes of stupidity into 4 sentences.

15. Thank the good lord Linda McMahon lost her Senate campaign. It seems like Raw has REALLY stepped up it's game in the past 2 weeks. I'm really looking forward to the rest of the year.

From the November 29th episode of RAW:

1. The Bella Twins want to have sex with Daniel Bryan, or at least play with his junk. I guess they've been browsing teh Internetz and wonder why the indy marks call him "Dragon".

2. According to Lucifer in Paradise Lost, it's better to rule Hell than serve in Heaven. According to Alex Riley on Raw, it's better to be The Miz's bitch than be United States Champion.

3. Many a great man in the wrestling business have worn the same hairstyle as "Dashing" Cody Rhodes, including Ted Turner and some guy in a coma.

4. Rey Mysterio got revenge on Alberto Del Rio by costing him his shot at becoming King of the Ring. But you already knew that. (smiles) (winks)

5. This here is what you call domination. Ezekiel Jackson is officialy a babyface. A big, scary-ass, monster babyface...with bowling balls implanted into his shoulders.

6. Yoshi Tatsu won a match on Monday Night Raw. Did you catch that? Let me repeat myself. Yoshi Tatsu...won a match...on Monday Night Raw.

7. Yoshi Tatsu and Mark Henry are WWE's next temporary tag team. While they probably won't win the tag team titles from Nexus, maybe Yoshi can introduce The World's Fattest Pitcher of Kool-Aid to a Wii Fit.

8. R-Truth is John Cena's best friend, and dat's da troof! I guess in the end, Cena did do the right thing after all. With friends like the Zookeepah, firing yourself is a much better alternative to suicide.

9. The Raw GM is Vince Russo. Who else would book The Miz against a 61 year old Jerry "The King" Lawler in a TLC match on free television? How about a clusterfuck?

10. Somewhere..at this moment...down this hall...at this very moment...in this building...somewhere nearby...from this moment onwards...near that bathroom...is the beginning...at this very moment...of the ass-kicking...of McGillicutty.

11. The Miz says he dosen't need a big celebration, much to the dismay of Riley and Cole, who both already had their pants unzipped.

12. John Morrison didn't win KOTR. But don't give up hope MoFos, there's always a chance that he'll win MITB at Wrest....ah screw it. Miz is Michaels. Morrison is Jannetty. Case closed.

13. Sheamus is the 2010 King of the Ring. Yay mayonaise, lobsters, and limes. But I predict a very large pair of nostrils to be back to my television set in the near future. Ladies and gentleman, Ol' Big Nose will return to bury someone.

14. Jerry Lawler beat the shit out Michael Cole. CM Punk approved that message, and will give that king a Pepsi.

15. The Miz is still WWE Champion.

From the most recent episode of RAW:

1. Once upon a time, Michael Cole was the only person that ever supported The Miz. All that snickering at JBL's insults back in 2006, and groaning with Jerry Lawler back in 2009? Never happened.

2. Alex Riley has balls. To challenge Randy Orton to a main-event match is like challenging yourself to masturbate with a dry hand. Not only is it slow, boring, and slightly painful, but after about 3 minutes, you know you're not going to finish what you started. But just like performing an RKO, you can also do it with an injured knee.

3. Natalya and Melina put on a decent Divas match tonight. Wish I could remember the details. I had two bitches from SmackDown screaming in my ear the whole time.

4. All hail King Sheamus. King of the Ring, Lord of the Rings, and conquerer of Middle Earth.

5. It is said that during the PG Age, a human jar of mayonaise took the human form of an evil Ronald McDonald and quickly set forth to take over the WWE Universe. He quickly defeated the King of Kings - Hunter Hearst Helmsley - who fled to the kingdom of Gondor to once-again reproduce to a princess with fake tits. Eventually....nah fuck it.

6. Santino Marella is the Jar Jar Binks of the WWE. Meesa like to drink and smoke all night. Meesa like to fight and fucka yo wife. Messa don't care cause meesa so dumb. Meesa will fucka you with me thumb.

7. When Santino Marella dated Beth Pheniox, he became Intercontinental Champion. Now Santino Marella is dating Tamina, he's one half of the WWE Tag Team Champions. Beware the Cobra. Embrace the Tuna. It'll make you a champion.

8. Josh Matthews is back on Raw commentary. Now if we could just get replace King with Cole, we'd have the perfect announce table.

9. Just like what Fat Hardy on YouTube, The Miz's MITB briefcase refuses to die, and is currently chilling in the hands of fellow prop Alex Riley. Thank god it wasn't a WrestleMania briefcase. Alex Riley despises all things black.

10. Is Daniel Bryan gonna have to choke a bitch? If The Bellas want a threesome that badly with the "American Dragon", they need to know two things. 1. He dosen't watch television, so selling a sextape video is in the bag. 2. If you're going to get kinky, don't use a tie. Things might get out of hand.

11. Daniel Bryan's pubic beard pwns Ted DiBiase's pubic beard.

12. The Hart Dynasty is officially split. Not even Natalya gives a shit anymore.

13. The Miz won't defend his WWE Championship again untill TLC. Cue the Tribute to the Troops preview 45 minutes later.

14. John Cena has absolutely no life outside of the WWE. Fellow members of the IWC, we have finally found something in common with him.

15. The Nexus are ready to turn on Wade Barrett. But don't worry. I'm sure it's all a part of a much bigger picture.

I can't wait for more of his awesome posts.

353 Posts
I enjoy them too keep them up their funny as hell
this needs to be a weekly posting who cares
what the haters say they dont have to read it
1 - 2 of 2 Posts