WWF World Heavyweight Champion: Bret Hart
WWF Intercontinental Champion: Shawn Michaels
WWF World Tag Team Champions: Money Inc.
WWF WrestleMania IX
April 4th, 1993
Caesars Palace: Las Vegas, Nevada
Gorilla Monsoon intros the debuting JIM ROSS!!!!!! YEEEEES!
Howard Finkel is in the ring, he introduces Caesar and Cleopatra to the crowd for the opening ceremonies, they come out on an elephant. They get off at ringside and walk around. Randy Savage comes out next and is carried out, with some "virgins" feed him grapes. R asks where Heenan is, and Savage points to the entrance ramp, and Heenan comes out on a camel backwards. God Bless you, Heenan, you are the greatest.
Commentary: Jim Ross, Randy Savage & Bobby Heenan. DAT TRIO!
WWF Intercontinental Championship: Shawn Michaels (w/Luna Vachon) vs. Tatanka (w/Sensational Sherri)
This Luna's debut, Sherri comes out behind Tatanka but not with him. Heenan then announces that he's not aligned with Tatanka, but she'll be in his corner tonight to make sure Shawn "gets what he deserves" Decent opening with Shawn trying to keep Tatanka grounded in a side headlock, but Tatanka keeps using his power to throw him off. Shawn bumps around like only he can, he dies off chops and punches it great. But takes over with a thumb to the eye, there is a few miscommunications and one badly botched sunset flip when Tatanka just falls on his back landing on Shawns' chest. Tatanka works the arm for a bit, it's super dry and boring and unbelievable especially as they're both standing up for it. This goes on far too long, Shawn caught him coming off the top with the Sweet Chin Music to take over, Sherri keeps Luna from helping Shawn. Shawn targets the head but it's really slow paced and average, lots of moving slowly after connecting with stuff before applying a headlock. The finishing run was the best part of the match, they trade big moves for near falls before fighting on the floor. Shawn tripped the ref up on purpose, he pulls him out and Shawn slides back in but turned into Tatanka's Samoan Drop, but the ref had counted out Shawn, so he keeps the belt and Tatanka stays undefeated weird finish, this also did NOT need 18 minutes at all. *3/4
After the match; Shawn walks off, as Tatanka celebrates in the ring. Luna clotheslines Sherri on the floor before slamming and kicks the shit out of her before running off when Tatanka makes the save.
Backstage: Mean Gene is with the Steiner brothers, Scotty says it's their first WrestleMania, and it'll be one to be remembered. Rick says their opponents are unpredictable, but they've got a game plan, and it's to wrestle, and they're going to make Julius Caesar proud.
The Headshrinkers (w/Afa) vs. The Steiner Brothers
Bill Alfonso is the ref. This is really the only match I cared about on this whole card, and it's one I've never seen before. And it doesn't disappoint, the Stieners get the better when it comes to wrestling, but the HeadShrinkers get the better once it becomes a brawl and they get the better with headbutts. CAUSE SAMAON HEADS ARN'T NOTHING TO FUCK WITH! Fatu took some absolutely brutal bumps during his iso segment, but HOLY SHIT! FATU GOES TO HOTSHOT SCOTTY ON THE TOP ROPE BUT SAMU PULLS THE ROPES AND SCOTTY FALLS ON HIS HEAD ON TO THE FLOOR! HOLY SHIT! Afa then hits him with his Samoan beating stick to further give his guys control, cause dropping Scotty on his head wasn't enough. Good Headshrinkers head, they work the head and diving headbutts and double headbutts just using their heads and it's great. Rick has a fanfuckingtastic hot tag and starts running through them. AWESOME SPOT! HE TRIES TO KNOCK THE HEADSHRINKERS HEADS TOGETHER BUT THEY CAN'T HURT THEIR HEADS AND END UP HEADBUTTING HIM
BUT THEN AS THE HEADSHRINKERS GO FOR DOOMSDAY, RICK COUNTERS IN MID-FUCKING AIR WITH A SCOOP SLAM OFF SAMU'S SHOULDERS
Scott tags in and hits a Frankensteiner for the win. Good shit. ***
Backstage: Mean Gene is with EVIL Doink, who has desecrated the bust of Julius Caesar. Gene shows the footage of Doink pulling off his fake arm and beating that meathead Crush with it. Doink says he's just bringing a sense of humor to the party. Gene says Crush may have the last laugh after tonight, and Doink says Crush may be experiencing double vision after tonight and walks off laughing.
Crush vs. EVIL Doink
This is bad, Crush is the dirt worse. The only other thing I hate worse than two guys wearing the same color attire when facing one another is two guts in multi-color attires wrestling one another this is too much, mixed in with the daylight it's a fucking mess. Crush dominates 90% of this with Doink's only bit of offense is hitting double sledges off the top and hitting a piledriver to follow up with some kicks to the mid-section. GODDAMN WRESTLERS ARE DUMB SOMETIMES. The ref gets bumped, and another Doink comes from under the ring with a prosthetic arm. Crush no sells it, so REAL Doink holds Crush up and Fake Doink again hits him with it. They do some mirror fuckery before laughing, fake Doink leaves and the real one covers for the win. *3/4
Snitch ass Bill Alfonso comes out to tell the ref what happen. They go under the ring, but can't see a thing.
Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund
This gets 3:45, which is the 2nd shortest match of the night behind that post-main event fuckery. SO FUCK EVERYTHING! Razor uses his power to push Bob around, so Bob uses his amateur wrestling to avoid him which pisses Razor off. Razor comes back with good looking punches and strikes, Backlund selling, but then it just ends super abruptly when Razor gets an inside cradle to win. During this Macho Man says during the Mania brunch Lex Luger knocked Bret Hart out. *3/4
Backstage: Mean Gene is with Money INC, Gene says he believes their title are in jeopardy tonight. He then shows footage of them fucking up stupid Beefcakes face with the briefcase. Ted says it's time to stop crying about it and put up or shut up. He says this is their backyard and you don't come into their house and make bets. IRS says he heard Hogan got into an accident at the gym last night, and that's what money can do.
WWF World Tag Team Championships: Money INC vs. The MegaManiacs (w/Jimmy Hart)
Hogan comes out support a black eye @Deezy do you know the real story was it, Did he get jumped by Money INC's goons, did a weight fall on his face, was it the Warrior, was it a Jet-Ski or was it, Savage? This is stupid long at 18:27, yes that's right Beefcake, IRS and Hogan had a MATCH GO 18 FUCKING MINUTES AND 27 SECONDS! FUCK ME! Ted tries he really does, he must really like them because he's busting out all his awesome bumping. The faces control early on, but Money Inc. tries to bail and Earl Hebner pulls the REF FUCKERY ON THOUSAND MILLION CARD, and claims that they'll lose the belts on count out. Baby Earl got stroke like dat. The champs take over on Hogan with Ted poking him in the throat, we get some awesome choking stuff like IRS ripping off the tag rope to choke him, they then take turns choking Hogan on the top rope. The only thing it lacked was using the wrist tape to choke someone, but covering it up by doing so in the sleeper hold. God dammit, Ted bumps around and makes Beefcakes hot tag look so much better than it really is. Thankfully it gets cut off by Ted hitting him in the back behind the refs back with the briefcase from the floor, we then get another super long heat but now on Beefcake. They take off Beefcakes face protector and work over the face for shits in giggles. The ref gets bumped, during this and Hogan makes the hot tag, he hits both men with the face protector but the ref is still down. BUM ASS JIMMY HART COMES IN AND TRIES TO WAKE UP THE REF, BUT CAN'T SO HE TAKES OFF HIS JACKET AND TURNS IT INSIDE OUT! TO REVEAL TIGER STRIPES EVEN THOUGH WWF REFS WEAR BLUE or PALE WHITE. IDIOT! ANYWAY, HE COUNTS TO THREE, AND IN HOGAN AND BEEFCAKES' REDICULIOUS MINDS THEY THINK THEY WON AND BEGIN CELEBRATING EVEN THOUGH THE BELL DIDN'T RING! Thankfully a legit referee comes down to rightfully DQ them for cheating, so Money Inc retain. *
After the match; MegaManiacs run Money INC off, they threaten the ref for being a good referee. But, Jimmy Hart introjects by throws him out to the floor. They open the briefcase that IRS left to reveal money, and a brick, HOGAN THEN DOES THE EPIC MONEY DANCE! and they give away the hard earned money. But they keep the brick.
Backstage: Mean Gene is with Mr. Perfect, Perfect says Lex claims to be a knockout artist by taking a cheap shot on Bret. Perfect fucks up Lex's name so he just leaves
"The Narcissist" Lex Luger vs. Mr. Perfect
Really great showing by Perfect here, he's outclassed Lex on everything before targeting the knee. All his punches and chops look and sound deadly, Lex sells the knee at first by limping but immediately stops when he murders Perfect with hard Irish whips, Perfect does his incredibly nasty looking bouncy bumps. Lex targets the back is decent, but kinda gets cut short, I like that they're playing up Lex's forearm strength. Perfect doesn't really get much of a comeback, it kinda just ends when Luger got a backslide to win and Perfect's feet were on the ropes, but the ref missed it, so Luger won. So where is the ref to argue this call? **1/4
After the match; Lex hits Perfect with a running forearm and KO's him, Lex leaves as Perfect slowly comes to, and walks to the back, pissed off. The camera follows him, and he finds Luger talking to Shawn Michaels in the back. He attacks Luger and throws him down, but Shawn Michaels attacks from behind. He hits Perfect with a garbage can to the head and keeps hitting him with it until officials come over to pull Shawn off.
FUCK YEAH! SHAWN/PERFECT FEUD!
Giant Gonzalez (w/Harvey Whippleman) vs. The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer)
All-time worse Taker Mania match ever, holy shit. Everything Gonzalez goes comes off looking fake or he doesn't connect and misses which shows how fake this shit is at times. Like whenever Taker hits him, he has this awful puzzled facial expression and stumbles around it's so bad. Taker tries, he bumps around but there is only so much '93 Taker can do. This goes for 7 and a half, the chinlock feels like 37 minutes. GOD DAMN THIS SUCKS SO MUCH! At some point, Taker makes a comeback so Gonzalez headbutts Bearer and pulls out a chloroform rag and smothers Taker with it for a DQ. 1/2*
After the match; Gonzalez keeps it up until Taker stops moving. Refs, agents and EMT's come down, and tend to Taker. Gonzalez starts taking out officials, and The Undertaker is stretchered out. Gonzalez refuses to leave, but Taker comes back out. He clotheslines him twice, and hits the Jumping Clothesline to knock Giant Gonzalez off his feet. He rolls out and leaves, and Taker poses in the ring.
Backstage: Mean Gene is with Hulk Hogan, Gene asks what happen to his eye but Hogan quickly ducks the question and says he just left WWE Champion Bret Harts dressing room and told him all the Hulkamaniacs and Hulk Hogan are in his corner. He says that lately, people keep stepping over the line in regards to Brutus, him, and lately, everyone in Yoko's path. He tells Bret to watch Yoko and Fuji like a cat, and again says, everyone is on his side. He says he's issuing a challenge to either Bret or the Jap to face him for the title, but after seeing the look in Bret's eyes, he knows the title will stay in the US of A. WHATCHA GONNA DO~!
WWF World Heavyweight Championship: Yokozuna (w/Mr. Fuji) vs. Bret Hart
Fun for 9 minutes, Bret isn't afraid of Yoko so he foes right at him with rapid punches but it doesn't work, he does manage to get him off his feet, but he uses the ropes to trip him up. But he doesn't have enough power to knock Yoko off his feet, and that allows the big guy to take over. YOKO BUSTS OUT THE SHOULDER BLADE NURVE HOLD! That fills up a bunch of time before Bret makes a brief comeback but runs into Yoko's killer superkick and he takes over again, late in the match Bret pulls the turnbuckle pad off as Yoko pulls him out from the corner, he then slams Yoko's head on it and gets the big man off his feet, he then locks in the Sharpshooter but Mr. Fuji throws salt in Bret's eyes and covers for the win. **1/2
After the match; Hogan checks on Bret, as Mr. Fuji grabs a mic and says Yoko challenges him to a match right now. Hogan blows him off, to check on Bret. BUT FUJI SAYS HE'LL EVEN PUT THE TITLE ON THE LINE! Bret keeps waving his hand
but Hogan takes that as a sign to go and take the match, so Hogan leaves Bret on the floor and enters the ring.
WWF World Heavyweight Championship: Yokozuna (w/Mr. Fuji) vs. Hulk Hogan
Yoko holds Hogan, so Fuji can throw salt in his eyes but Hogan ducks and Yoko gets salted. He kicks Fuji out of the ring, Hogan hits a running clothesline taking Yoko off his feet and hits the leg drop for the win. Hogan celebrates like he just wrestled a 30-minute classic and celebrates with the title.