10 life-changing lessons from the Feb. 4th edition of Monday Night Raw
1. Just leave the ring.
The Miz made the fatal error of making the first move with Brock Lesnar last night, and last week, Chairman Vince McMahon refused to leave the ring. For this, they paid the price. Brock Lesnar was just stood there innocently sponsoring Jimmy Johns when The Miz used his MARINE TRAINING to shove Brock Lesnar half an inch. For this, he paid the price. There's a lesson here, ladies and gentlemen, when you're stood face-to-face with Lesnar, just leave. Unless you're Alistair Overeem, then you can kick him in his gut.
2. Jack Swagger is having his cake and eating a million of them.
Just kidding. He's been impressing a lot of people since his return. Maybe because he's eating his way to becoming the white Mark Henry.
3. The Big Show won't be tipping.
Hey, Big Show, just because you're a heel, it doesn't mean you can be rude to the hotel staff. I mean, honestly, that man was delivering you a contract and warning you that there's a champion outside in a tracksuit, you could have told him to have a nice day. I hope they charge you extra for damaging the tables in their hallway, you beast!
4. Jerry Lawler discovered memes on Sunday.
Last night, you may have heard Jerry Lawler utter the super-cool "come at me bro!" term that the internet has been using sometimes. According to reports, Jerry is planning to create a meme craze that'll involve his own son. It's going to be called "Bad Luck Brian Christopher".
5. You're all fat and CM Punk hates you for it.
Before you judge Punk on his harsh words, think what he's going through. He held that spinner belt like an ugly girlfriend for over 400 days, and it was snatched from him by a guy who wasn't even there to gloat about it. Who's he going to put the blame on? You, of course. It's all your fault. Why? Because you're fat. Well, I'm assuming he was talking to the crowd, he could have been addressing Jack Swagger (I'm sorry, Jack, I don't mean any of this).
6. Don't order Wrestlemania this year, at least one of the main events will be on Raw next year for free!
CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho was a great match. This time, it was heel Punk vs. face Jericho which opened up all sorts of possibilites for pre-match psychology. Punk could have addressed Jericho on the titantron and announced that Jericho's sister ISN'T A FOZZY FAN. Then he could attack Jericho from behind and dump a bunch of guitars on him! But, I guess I'm just much smarter than WWE creative.
7. The Shield's biggest weakness is copying their entrance.
It's never nice to be mocked. The Shield are trying to stop injustice and put an end to bullying once and for all by beating people up in the dark. What do Cena, Sheamus and Ryback do? They cruelly make fun of them by mimicking their crowd entrance. That's not cool, no matter how funny Sheamus looks running down the steps excitedly like Jack Swagger when his mother calls him to tell him the pies are ready (Sorry). I was hoping The Sandman was behind them ready to crack them over the head.
8. Dolph Ziggler wasn't stealing the show, the show was stolen from him.
Our beloved Ziggy was missing this week. Where could he have been? Probably trying to assassinate Daniel Tosh so he can bring WWE Download to Comedy Central where it belongs!
9. Bruno Sammartino was inducted into the Hall of Fame.
To start with, it seemed like Foley was going to be the big name in the HOF. Then, it was announced Bob Backlund would be going in. THEN, the beautiful Trish Stratus followed (she may not be a bigger name, but she certainly stole the thunder). And, finally, Vince McMahon's long-time best friend Bruno Sammartino made an unexpected induction. If I was Foley, I'd be jealous. And I'm assuming he'll make his entrance falling from the ceiling into a pile of broken glass before The Rock honours him with the ceremonial consecutive chair shots to the skull.
10. Bruno Sammartino was not inducted into the Hall of Pain.
Scary Chocolate Mark Henry made a triumphant return and declared war on the masked Mexicans. What will he do next? Nobody knows, but Mil Mascaras better lock his doors.