Today I bring you a tale of a horror. A tale of misery. A tale of a man and his lack of bacon.
It all started on a beautiful Sunday morning in December of 2012. Beautiful weather, Cricket's on and my music's blasting. I suddenly thought to myself.. "There's only one way this day can get any better. Bacon." It's simple, it's delicious, it's the greatest thing ever created.. and I don't have any! I get a little pissed off at myself, but realise there's a shop two streets away and it's lunch in the Cricket anyway. I race out of the house only to find out that the shop is out of bacon. Supa IGA my ass.
I race to the next nearest shop and buy some bacon. It's $20! I'm standing there like...
And the clerk repeats, "$20", so I angrily give her the money and leave the store even more annoyed. I start feeling happy again knowing that I'm returning home to the cricket, music and bacon. I step in that front door extremely excited.
I'd only moved into this house a few weeks ago, so I hadn't used the stove. I just chuck that bacon in a pan and put it on that stove anyway. I was too excited about eating some incredible, crispy bacon to pay attention to detail. I lie down on my couch, as relaxed as you could ever be and realise the Australians aren't playing so well now, so I'm just like.
Ten minutes later, I check on the bacon. Anger starts building inside of me when I realise it's still cold! I check the manual for the oven and stove. It says turning on the oven may provide some extra heat depending how high it's turned up. What a unique, stupid design I though, turning that oven up as fast as I could. Then I hear a goddamn knock on the door.
I listen to their crap for 5 minutes, thinking it'll do no harm, but when I get back upstairs.. THE BACON'S FUCKING BURNT. I go to try to make it again, but I'm out of oil!
What a way to ruin a perfect day. Thank you and good motherfucking night.
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear.
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.
"All you lords and ladies, still think that the only thing that matters is gold.
Well this (torturing people) makes me happier than all your gold ever could!
And that makes me happier than all her sapphires,
so go buy yourself a golden hand, and FUCK yourself with it!"