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Old 01-11-2013, 02:03 PM   #401 (permalink)
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Default Re: RANTSAMANIA: CALLOUTS

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I used to play pro-youth. Dundee United, motherfucker. I might be a bump to the head away from being a vegetable now, but I had a future ahead of me, once (SPL counts as a future). If I'm going to invoke a riot, I'm going to do it on the pitch like a real man.

I will lead from the front.

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I met a Dundee Utd fan on holiday in the summer. Bingo was his name. Spent his mornings, afternoons and evenings raiding the all inclusive bar and making his way through 3 bottles of red wine a day, then challenging 'the english bastards' to a game of lilo where I half expected him to drown them for shits and giggles. I could only understand every 5th word he said, which made the limited times he spoke to me a tad uncomfortable, but I'd like to think in another time he could have taken me under his wing and shared with me his wisdom.

Tbh I think there's a poetic justice in Arsenal relying on a couple of people to win something for them
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Old 01-11-2013, 02:09 PM   #402 (permalink)
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Default Re: RANTSAMANIA: CALLOUTS

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Old 01-11-2013, 02:24 PM   #403 (permalink)
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Default Re: RANTSAMANIA: CALLOUTS

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I met a Dundee Utd fan on holiday in the summer. Bingo was his name. Spent his mornings, afternoons and evenings raiding the all inclusive bar and making his way through 3 bottles of red wine a day, then challenging 'the english bastards' to a game of lilo where I half expected him to drown them for shits and giggles. I could only understand every 5th word he said, which made the limited times he spoke to me a tad uncomfortable, but I'd like to think in another time he could have taken me under his wing and shared with me his wisdom.


Most Scottish people are like that. I've met a shit ton of English people on holiday over the years, and I've referred to every one of them as either 'English' or 'cunt'.

"English, is that your sister, and does she have grass on the wicket?"

"Here, cunt, put this in the freezer before it melts."
"What is it?"
"Who fuckin cares, cunt, just put it in the fuckin freezer."

Only person from England I've ever met that completely understood my gutteral tongue was a scouse barmaid. I have no idea how she did it. Any other English person (or any other person from any other country in the world, for that matter) I've spoken to, I've had to do it slowly in order to get them to understand what I'm actually saying. Basically have to do my best impression of Gerard Butler, and no amount of scrubbing with scalding water can cleanse that feeling from my skin.

When I'm drunk then you can forget about it, though. I don't give a shit where you're from and I don't give a shit if you understand a word that comes out of my mouth. Just put this in the freezer and we're cool. Nod and be about your business. Fuck it. Leave me to it.

Actually, Irish folks are generally pretty good at understanding Scottish people. I was so grateful for that that I bought one of them a stripper in Magaluf four years ago (and I'm absolutely serious about that. He sprung forth on her hair. And I'm absolutely serious about that as well).
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Old 01-11-2013, 02:26 PM   #404 (permalink)
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Default Re: RANTSAMANIA: CALLOUTS

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scrilla's Mexican.
"black" was metaphoric
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Old 01-11-2013, 02:35 PM   #405 (permalink)
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Default Re: RANTSAMANIA: CALLOUTS

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Most Scottish people are like that. I've met a shit ton of English people on holiday over the years, and I've referred to every one of them as either 'English' or 'cunt'.

"English, is that your sister, and does she have grass on the wicket?"

"Here, cunt, put this in the freezer before it melts."
"What is it?"
"Who fuckin cares, cunt, just put it in the fuckin freezer."

Only person from England I've ever met that completely understood my gutteral tongue was a scouse barmaid. I have no idea how she did it. Any other English person (or any other person from any other country in the world, for that matter) I've spoken to, I've had to do it slowly in order to get them to understand what I'm actually saying. Basically have to do my best impression of Gerard Butler, and no amount of scrubbing with scalding water can cleanse that feeling from my skin.

When I'm drunk then you can forget about it, though. I don't give a shit where you're from and I don't give a shit if you understand a word that comes out of my mouth. Just put this in the freezer and we're cool. Nod and be about your business. Fuck it. Leave me to it.

Actually, Irish folks are generally pretty good at understanding Scottish people. I was so grateful for that that I bought one of them a stripper in Magaluf four years ago (and I'm absolutely serious about that. He sprung forth on her hair. And I'm absolutely serious about that as well).
@ 'does she have grass on the wicket'. 'Kin hell.

In fairness to him he was plastered all day and he spoke like a man on speed so any chance I had of understanding him was pretty limited. Then when I got drunk at about 2pm, forget about it.

There was actually a surprising amount of Scottish folk at our hotel, what was even more surprising was their lack of retreating to the indoors when the sun sprang out. Though there were a couple who pretty much spent all day navigating their way into the shade. There were a couple of Glaswegians who looked like brick shithouses, skinhead and tattoos and that 'I'll slice ya boabby off if you look at me one more time' look. Think there were Celtic and Rangers fans so I'm amazed there was never even a hint of a scuffle.

Supposedly one girl was a bit of a slag, to the point where she went up to 4 lads from Preston in the lobby, told 'em she had 'a drawing on her fanny', then whipped it out on display when one of them enquired further. There was also one Ginger Oxford lad who was quite the cunt at the best of times, let alone when he was half cut. I still expected to wake up and find the only trace of his existence being the fine ginger hairs on his forehead when he started slowly mimicking the scottish accent to a table full of them.
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Old 01-11-2013, 02:40 PM   #406 (permalink)
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Default Re: RANTSAMANIA: CALLOUTS

So is there a card tally yet? Curious as to how this is going to shake out...
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Old 01-11-2013, 02:43 PM   #407 (permalink)
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Default Re: RANTSAMANIA: CALLOUTS

Haha, what a country, it's that comedy stereotype that there could always be Scottish lurking around the corners, haha.
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Old 01-11-2013, 02:53 PM   #408 (permalink)
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Default Re: RANTSAMANIA: CALLOUTS

Scottish people don't lurk around corners. We will throw beer bottles (empty ones) at sober people in clear view.

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There was actually a surprising amount of Scottish folk at our hotel, what was even more surprising was their lack of retreating to the indoors when the sun sprang out. Though there were a couple who pretty much spent all day navigating their way into the shade. There were a couple of Glaswegians who looked like brick shithouses, skinhead and tattoos and that 'I'll slice ya boabby off if you look at me one more time' look. Think there were Celtic and Rangers fans so I'm amazed there was never even a hint of a scuffle.

Supposedly one girl was a bit of a slag, to the point where she went up to 4 lads from Preston in the lobby, told 'em she had 'a drawing on her fanny', then whipped it out on display when one of them enquired further. There was also one Ginger Oxford lad who was quite the cunt at the best of times, let alone when he was half cut. I still expected to wake up and find the only trace of his existence being the fine ginger hairs on his forehead when he started slowly mimicking the scottish accent to a table full of them.
One of my best friends spent two weeks trying not to get burned silly when we were in Magaluf (same holiday as the one where I purchased a black woman for an Irishman). He'd usually be so rough during the day that he wouldn't be able to get out of bed, anyway. He thought he was taking a heart attack one day. Like, genuinely believed he was taking a heart attack. I don't know what kind of fucked up Red Bull they give you over there, but stay away from it. He almost got himself arrested and the rest of us thrown out the hotel for shouting "get your rat out" through a stolen megaphone from the balcony at people walking past (I was shouting shit through it in Spanish and nobody understood any of it. We were in Spain. That's Magaluf for you). There was one night we both wound up wearing women's clothes and going to some bar. He fucked a Scandinavian chick while wearing a bra made for the gigantic tits of an obese woman, so fair play to him for that, I guess. I spent the whole time doing Sambuca shots with the barmaid from Motherwell. She kept asking me if I knew this person and that person (I live near Motherwell) and any time I said yes she'd give me another shot. I knew a lot of people from Motherwell that night. I think she was pretty good looking, actually. I have no recollection of how that night ended, but I hope I fingered her in a tunnel.

Was the drawing on her fanny a tattoo? Because there's people from Govan that think tattoos are drawings and don't understand what's going on when they can't wash it off. "Fuck sake, is this permy marker or suhin?"
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Old 01-11-2013, 03:00 PM   #409 (permalink)
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Default Re: RANTSAMANIA: CALLOUTS

In awe of that entire Magaluf escapade. Think my mates have tentative plans to book Ibiza for this summer. If we don't lose one person and find them face down on a beach the next day I'll call it one of the more successful holidays. Why do I get the impression most of your Spanish dialogue was improvised ramblings from an Eddie Guerrero promo? "Hola amigo me gusta meter mis dedos en usted por un túnel"

It may well have been a tattoo. I can't confirm on account of being badly drunk at a table at the time of her flashing, but she looked like the sort of girl who would probably believe you to be Australian after a few drinks. Pretty sure at one point she just went around tables insulting people until she passed out on the floor.
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Old 01-11-2013, 03:07 PM   #410 (permalink)
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Default Re: RANTSAMANIA: CALLOUTS

We need another callout as the thread has be derailed
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