Asenath finds out she can have sushi delivered to her home (what a concept), gets excited, makes thread, drops hints about how she does yoga so nobody will think she is a gluttonous fatty or anything:
I literally never have to EVER put on a pair of pants that doesn't have "Yoga" on the label ever again. YOU GUYS.
I may be a little more excited about this than is normal.
You only wear yoga pants because they have an elastic waistband. Most normal people enjoy having clothes that look good, maybe you'll find some one day.
Asenath explains the wonders of rimming (licking a person's asshole with your tongue):
There's more nerves in that part of the body - on men and women - than just about anywhere but the clitoris. And if everyone's nice and showered and hygienic, it's not any more dirty than the rest of the body.
And there are dental dams, in case you're really concerned. And if you can't find one of those, you can always cut open a non-lubricated condom and use that as a barrier for your tongue.
This post is the stuff of nightmares. Literally nothing I can say will matter so moving right along...
Asenath says creepy
guys (please read the quotes above one more time for context) are the reason she will always be alone:
So, first of all, we all know the OP isn't going to do anything but be gross until his girlfriend realizes he's a Category 5 creeper and dumps him. It is, however, part of the reason why I am a future forever alone cat lady. The butt thread is the other reason. I don't like gender based assumptions, but damn.
If anyone intimated I should pay for babysitting with sex, I'd just shut that person out of my family's circle. That line gave me the wiggins. Ugh.
A response by Dr. Nicholas RUSH :becks:
Originally Posted by MILA KUNIS' CHRISTMAS EYES
fairly certain they would prefer to be paid less if it meant you never said the word sex and you were fully covered up in a burka/niqab/hijab/whatever
Asenath wishes to plan complete strangers on the internet's weddings, think I saw an episode of Criminal Minds that started this way:
If you need any help throwing together a wedding so quickly, I like to think of myself as an armchair quarterback in the planning department. Holler at me for some totally non-professional advice.
Yes because the only wedding you're going to plan is someone else's. I suppose its better off you get your ideas out there because no guy is going to stick a ring on you. Actually your ideas include how to rim so might be better off to sit down and shut the fuck up.
This one is for the lucky fellas out there wondering how to attract an Asenath of their own:
Also, Thierry Mugler A*Men
is like catnip to me. Prrrowr.
Bitch please, any guy speaking to you would get your panties dripping so much you could drown a toddler in them.
A final word from Asenath on what her life COULD BE:
And also, I'd be a makeout queen if I were surrounded by attractive people at the height of physical conditioning 300 days a year. The end.
Anything I say here will be even more of a cheapshot. So I'll bite my tongue, much like anyone you try to make out with so they can sneak away to get their tongue sown back on.