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Old 09-28-2012, 04:12 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default An End to War and That Kind of Thing

Nuclear bombs can destroy the earth, and yet even our own governments have tested them on the earth. Canít we test them on the moon? These things can destroy the earth. Hello? Though weíd probably knock it out of its orbit and the tides would be turned-upside down and swished all about. And then, terribly, all around the world surfing competitions would be ruined.

But I have a plan: gather all the explosives and bombs and arrange them by their bang-styling and explode them in spectacular patterns far up in the sky on a new worldwide fireworks night - a yearly event held every twelve months to celebrate me annually. Yes, itís my idea so youíll celebrate me. That includes everybody, even I have to celebrate myself. Iíll raise toasts in my own name and make a speech thanking me for always being there when I needed myself.

Everybody has the day off from work and school and anyone suspected of not having fun can be placed under citizensí arrest, as all the cops are off duty too. Although Ė steady - we all have to promise not to commit any crimes while the rozzers are getting wankered with the rest of us. Apart from drugs. We might commit some drugs.

Everybody has to get drunk, apart from Muslims and straight-edgers, who have to pretend to be drunk. Ooh wait, they can drive us home afterwards.

Children will be shared out evenly amongst the drinkers and they will wear wide, flat hats which we can rest our drinks and ashtrays on.

After dark we can enjoy an artistic display of explosions in the skies all around the earth, with a spattering of grenades on the horizon followed by a chorus of torpedoes and missiles spelling out my favourite peopleís names in the sky. Nuclear warheads detonated in high orbit replace the cannons in Tchaikovskyís 1812 overture, as it belts out around the world from millions of 100ft speakers (Bang and Olufsen naturally, Iíve thought this through), in between Boom Boom Boom by The Outhere Brothers, and Boom! Boom! Shake the Room by Will Smith and Jazzy Jeff.

Anybody not saying wayoooooh! during Boom Boom Boom will be shot on sight by my trained army of pandas. They will silently infiltrate the masses, disguised in civilian clothes, recognizable only by the paw prints they leave on soft ground and by their giant panda heads.

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Old 09-28-2012, 04:14 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: An End to War and That Kind of Thing

The fuck did I just read?
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Old 09-28-2012, 04:22 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: An End to War and That Kind of Thing

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anark View Post
Nuclear bombs can destroy the earth, and yet even our own governments have tested them on the earth. Can’t we test them on the moon? These things can destroy the earth. Hello? Though we’d probably knock it out of its orbit and the tides would be turned-upside down and swished all about. And then, terribly, all around the world surfing competitions would be ruined.
There is an agreement between countries not to test/use nuclear bombs in space.

The international comprehensive test ban treaty.

Last edited by Snowman : 09-28-2012 at 04:25 AM.
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Old 09-28-2012, 04:23 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: An End to War and That Kind of Thing

I'm glad we have enough nukes to destroy the Earth so many times over just in case a bunch of rogue Earths show up and try to FUCK with us.
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Old 09-28-2012, 04:25 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: An End to War and That Kind of Thing

Not only are we gonna fuck our Earth up. we gonna go into some parallel universes and fuck their Earth up too.
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Old 09-28-2012, 04:28 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: An End to War and That Kind of Thing

The moon landing was faked, of course we can't test bombs on the moon.
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Old 09-28-2012, 04:36 AM   #7 (permalink)
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The moon landing was faked, of course we can't test bombs on the moon.
There are telescopes which can see the shit we have left up there. Though I understand that conspiracies are fun to believe in.
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Old 09-28-2012, 04:45 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: An End to War and That Kind of Thing

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There are telescopes which can see the shit we have left up there. Though I understand that conspiracies are fun to believe in.
Perception is a product of what we are led to believe. Of course we are supposed to believe that there are remnants of human activity on the moon. We'll believe this and accept it with no second thought, and just when you think you've pushed it back into the deepest quarters of your subconscious, they get ya.

Last edited by Warren Zevon : 09-28-2012 at 04:45 AM. Reason: awkward sentence structure from rewriting
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Old 09-28-2012, 06:10 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Scott Steiner ignores Anark, so I don't care either.
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Old 09-28-2012, 06:20 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: An End to War and That Kind of Thing

not exactly on topic, but did you know that last wed was almost the 29 year anniversary of Doomsday Apocalypse

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Twenty-nine years ago, the human race dodged extinction. An obscure Soviet officer, Stanislav Petrov, stayed the apocalypse. Just like the Iron Maiden song, the doomsday clock has never officially been closer to apocalypse than two minutes to midnight. The Petrov incident is regarded as the closest humanity has come to accidental nuclear war; the clock shouldíve been set to 11:59:59 except that nobody in the West knew of the incident until over a decade later.

In the early morning hours of September 26th, 1983, the Soviet missile tracking satellite system reported that 5 U.S. ICBMs were heading towards Moscow. Petrov was the officer on duty in the Soviet air defense bunker outside Moscow. He had a choice: trust the satellites, or trust his radars, which showed no missiles. He reasoned that a U.S. strike with 5 missiles instead of hundreds was illogical, and his radars showed no incoming missiles. If Petrov waited until the Soviet radars confirmed the incoming missiles, he would be shaving over twenty minutes off of the Soviet Unionís response time. Petrov decided to wait.

Later in the day, the satellites reported a launch of four missiles. Petrov sweated out the second alarm just like the first.

A posthumous Soviet investigation determined that the satellites had mistaken light glinting off of high altitude clouds for missile launches.

Had Pretrov reported the Ďmissile launchesí up the chain of command, the Soviet Union might have launched a counterstrike. Petrovís bravery prevented Soviet leadership from ever having the discussion.

His reward was a bureaucratic pat on the back.

Even today, after massive disarmament efforts, the United States and Russia possess thousands of warheads. North Korea and Iran are allegedly developing, or have developed, nuclear weapons. India and Pakistan are nuclear capable. The Russians still have a doomsday device.

What has changed since the Soviet Unionís collapse is that fewer and fewer new songs regarding nuclear war are being written. Perhaps we need more, or perhaps we need to listen to the songs that we have, songs like those below, more often. The threat of nuclear apocalypse hasnít gone away. The doomsday clock is still ticking
Good man Stanislav
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