Cold Case Report: Cena's #1 Hater is a Phony; wasn't raped.
August 2, 2012.
The worst part of working cold-case is the question of "Why bother?" they're already dead, no amount of investigation can change that. Sure, sometimes you can catch the criminals, months, years, decades, after their crime, and you can punish them, but there is no redemption. Does it really matter, they go to jail after being free for 30 years? Killers go free, and the rest of us are left with scars that never heal.
But yet I forge forward, motivated only by the small flickering candle light in the world of darkness known as the truth. My girlfriend says she's going to leave, she says she found the letters from my wife, she says she doesn't want to be backseat to some conjugal visit. I told her I was already in her backseat. I'm alone now. And I'm ready to stare straight into that darkness.
EXHIBIT A: Flaws in the story itself
"Damn, even I'm getting tired of talking about dick." - Cena's #1 Hater
Cena's #1 Hater's short career on WF was filled with posts about incest, sexual wrestling, multiple orgasms, and eventually forays into men's genitals sizes. It's obvious from his posting history he had an agenda. But not a good one that involves filling my PM Box with photos of Karla Lopez, una mujer muy erótica, one that involved the most prescious resource in the galaxy.
The human penis.
His story however, falls short in his stories about how his "rapist dad" raped him.
Yo, I like to pretend like I care about guys with small penises, but in reality, I'm laughing at them in my heart. I even fuck one of their wives once every blue moon.
Hell, my rapist dad had a small dick haha. Maybe that's why I laugh at shrimp dicks.
The plot holes in his story are numerous, and you don't need a 6.8 inch penis (more on that later).
First of all, a man with "Cena" in his name having sex? Even my prison wife knows that John Cena is guranteed birth control. But there's something more.
Trauma victims very seldomly remember details of their trauma, it's what makes them difficult to deal with. It's like their mind turns off in the trauma. It's an easy indicator of bullshit, when someone with a traumatic story is able to recite it in intriquite detail. In particular, being able to remember a man's penis size.
As a matter of fact, I would say it's very unlikely for a molested child to know if their assailaint had a small penis, due to the simple fact that children are small in stature, and even a 4 inch penis would appear huge due to proprotion and the angle from which the penis was seen. From bellow, any penis, no matter how small, would appear quite large; a trick commonly seen in transexual porno in an attempt to make shrunken, hormone effected penises appear large and vigorous.
It's also unlikely that his step-father's penis was even truly "Small." Compared to the Chimps and Bonobons we share a common ancestory with, even a 4 inch penis would be 300% larger than the average Chimp penis. To prove this I sent a private message to a veternarian on Match.com. We have a date for Sunday. Neglected to tell her about my wife. The darkness has changed me. It will change her, like a wet painting mensturating on the streets of brasil.
EXHIBIT B: The size chart plot hole.
Cena's #1 Hater once presented a chart of male penis size from country to country in a rants topic. He claimed "Blacks and Latinos rule," which implies that he is black or latino. But if Blacks and Latinos have huge penises, how did his father have a "shrimp dick?" By his own logic, this is very unlikely. It's like finding an African-American man that has not hooked up with an overweight white woman, unlikely at best.
EXHIBIT C: GOON, The so-called"BIG COCK KILLER"
I met up with GOON at his condo. The information he provided me was enlightening.
The Million Dollar Prons: GOON, is it true you kill women with your big cock?
GOON: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE OR I WILL CALL THE POLICE.
After the restraining order was filled, I came to a startling realization:
How can one man so adamantly opposed to "shrimp dicks" go on a crusade against "Big Cock Killers?" In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (Not to be confused with the other type of CBT I'm interested in, if you know what I'm talking about send me a private message.) there exists a phenomeon known as "cognitive disonence:" The harder and bigger a lie is the more difficult it is to fit the components of said lie together.
Cena's #1 Hater was not raped. His father was an innocent man, a man that didn't know how to educate his children about sex, but an innocent man. GOON's hands (or in this case his BIG COCK) are clean. Cena's #1 hater is in jail where he belongs, and the case can now rest.
But I can not rest.
Justice, can not rest.
THE DARK KNIGHT.
PRESS TRIANGLE TO HIGH FIVE POSH SPACE KATNISS THE MILLION DOLLAR PRONS: Runner-Up for Best WoW Poster and Best Rant of 2012! WINNER OF RANTSAMANIA V!