Venting Is Fun
I'm in a horrible mood right now and I need to vent. Writing has always helped me in these types of situations and instead of just writing it on Word on my comp and then deleting it forever, I figured I would do it here so at least some sort of discussion gets made from it so it doesn't entirely go to waste. I welcome all negative and positive feed back. I'm a big boy, I can take it and I encourage it.
On to the show.
I'm falling apart at the seams, I think. I always feel like shit, I always feel trapped. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Everything always falls apart and I never feel good, ever. I'm tired of my bones hurting, I'm tired of my stomach hurting, I'm tired of my tailbone hurting, I'm tired of wearing these fucking shoes because my feet cramp up all the time. I'm tired of being broke, I'm tired of eating shitty food, I'm tired of having nothing to do, I'm tired of arguing with Bridget all the time, I'm tired about worrying about bills, I'm tired of quitting smoking.
I just want to be happy, why is that always so fucking hard for me to do? I dont understand why life always shits on me. I've always had to work three times as hard as everyone for half as much. Whenever I slip up, at all, life always sees fit to punish me and punish me hard. Life apparently won't let me go left of center. I'm almost never really happy, I'm always tired or in pain or bored or lethargic. I feel like there is a massive disconnect between me and everyone else. I wouldn't say that I'm floating through life right now in a daze because that would imply that I have some sort of euphoric feeling and that just simply isn't the case.
I feel like a bitch when I say this, but why does everything have to be so fucking hard all the time? I get it, no one's life is easy (which is actually bullshit) but for fuck sake, it really seems like the universe (fuck "God") really has it out for me, for whatever reason. If somehow it's true that we live past lives, I must have been someone pretty terrible because I'm paying for it in this lifetime and I'm only 24 so my "debt" isn't even close to being paid off.
Do I bring this on myself with negative energy? If so, how is it possible to get out of such a rut when there is always a domino effect happening that seemingly never stops? The last time I was anywhere close to being this unhappy was when I was 16 and didn't give a fuck if I lived or died. I give a fuck about staying alive this time around but those feelings are the same and that scares me. Before, I didn't give a fuck if I died, that was the way out. Now I don't want to die at all and the realization that that isn't at least some sort of way out from this makes things even worse.
I hate everything and everyone. I never get excited, ever. The most that happens to me these days is I look forward to something that inevitably fucks up somehow, which leads me to believe that maybe I manifest this shit myself with negative energy, or negative thinking or whatever the fuck else yoga beads bullshit it could be. To steal a quote from one of the greatest books ever written, American Psycho, "I feel lethal, on the verge of a frenzy". Truer words couldn't describe me right now. If and when I leave the house (rarely) I secretly hope I see some sort of random altercation somewhere where I can physically get involved. Anything will do, it seems. Two guys fighting, a guy and a girl fighting, anything. I wish for it, I hope for it every time I leave the house so I can unleash some of my internal pain onto someone else, because I don't want it anymore. But then I think about it and it bothers me because once I started, I don't think I would be able to stop until that person is dead and obviously that's a problem. I have absolutely no intention of killing anyone ever, I have no interest in that. But I'm afraid I would do it by accident. A well placed Thai Clinch with a knee to the head resulting in death, me choking someone unconscious and holding on a little too long, things along those lines.
Fuck. That's the one word that everything always boils down to. My bones are swollen all the time. Fuck. I have a bleeding ulcer that feels like someone is pushing my stomach out from in the inside and also burning it with a lighter at the same time. Fuck. I'm tired of my cracked tailbone that won't let me sit properly and I'm tired of having shitty circulation in my feet that my doctor refuses to acknowledge that causes me terrible foot cramps all day and night that require me to wear my shoes all the time. Fuck. I'm tired of fighting all the time with Bridget because she has some sort of chemical imbalance that makes her act like she is fucking 5 all the time and I'm tired of dealing with hissy fits 5 times a day from her while she spouts off apologizes that mean less than nothing to me at this point. Fuck. I'm tired of being broke and always eating shitty food that I cannot fucking stand while I physically waste away while other people miraculously gain weight. Fuck. See? It always leads back to that word. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckitty fuck fuck.
I understand why people drink but I'm too proud to do so. I would like it too much and wouldn't make it to rehab, life wouldn't give me that second chance. I would just die instead. So, naturally, even any sort of fake, temporary happiness is also denied from me. Go figure. The ONLY time I am ever truly happy, truly relaxed is when I'm high on weed. Weed is the greatest thing ever invented, ever. But, like with everything else, that cost money and I of course have none of that ever, hence that type of happiness is taken from me as well.
I just want to go away. Where? Nowhere. Anywhere. Then back to nowhere. But not here. I just simply want to...vanish. I don't want to die or anything like that, that would be too easy. No, this time around I understand the value of life at the end of the day. It just is a miserable existence that I am too much of a pussy to end, so I'm stuck here on this ball of dirt with everyone else and no way out.
How like life.
I apologize for the wall of text I just presented you with. I also apologize if it was disjointed, I was just going off the top of my head as it came to me. Reading it back, it's very "Poor me" and I'm not usually like this, but today I am I guess. And Rants is where you bitch and complain anyway, so why not? I'm sure something amusing will come from this and I feel better after writing it, so go for it.