Name: Shawn Keim
Alias: Prime Time Keim
December 14th, 1985 - August 26th, 2011
West Laurel,MD: Police discovered the body today of a young man by the name of Shawn Keim in his run-down suburban chateau lying face-down at his computer desk in a pool of vomit with an empty bottle of Xanax resting near his feet.
Toxicology reports have not been released at press time, but coroners are already ruling it suicide. It is believed he decided to take his own life after finally realizing no one was reading his posts on his internet wrestling message board.
Keim was last spotted by witnesses in the parking lot of a near-by Walmart posing by automobiles to feign the impression he actually owned one. One Walmart employee stated Keim was denied a purchase of 40-caliber ammunition because he appeared to be "unstable".
"He just stumbled into the store, hanging on to shelves for balance as he made his way to the ammunition department," the woman said. "He was crying and mumbling something about 'being banned from my own thread'".
Keim has a history of suicide attempts and even reportedly stood on a bridge for 20 minutes, contemplating jumping.
"He wussed the fuck out," said an ex-girlfriend of Keim's, "He used to stay on that fucking forum for hours and hours, just typing about nothing. I knew he was a fucking loser all along. I only hope his obituary's shorter than his fucking rants were."
The funeral is scheduled for September 1st. At press time, no one is confirmed to be attending.