Originally Posted by alexfakelastname
I don't post too often anymore, because well, I haven't really had a reason too. I got tired of being that annoying poster so I said fuck it I'll just read the news they post and what not.
Recently I've been losing my patience though with the world and I figure this is the best I can do as far as venting is concerned. Cause I can't get a much needed therapy session that is covered by medicaid, so here it goes.
We just moved out of my abusive step dad's house, good right? Wrong. Now that we're out he's coming around being nice and shit and it's freaking me the hell out. My two younger brothers (both autistic) have become neglected by my mom now that we're out. With my dad around she watched us like a hawk to keep us sane during his abuse, but now that we're "safe" she's off with another guy already. It's been a month and a half and she's dating a guy, who regardless of him being cool, is taking up all her time. She's spending all day talking to him on the phone like a fucking school girl. I've seen teenagers who are less lovesick. She left Gavin (10) up by himself until 2:30 in the morning because her new guy was here. I (16 not a parent) had to help him get ready for bed. That wasn't a problem, but when it started happening every day Then I got pissed. He and Jay require a lot of attention, their autistic so they need it, and she's not giving it to them. Also, my ex girlfriend is STILL COMING OVER HERE EVERY DAY! Because she's my moms friend now and "helps with the kids". Really, my mom is pissed I left her and likes her better because she doesn't bitch when stuff is unjust. I don't care about my wellbeing I'm 16 I can take care of myself. But when a 10 year old Autistic kid runs to me crying about being "Ignored" then i get pissed.
So I tell my dad, and he tells my mom, and she unleashes on us. Saying we just don't want her to be happy and what not. It's not that at all but she keeps threatening and guilting us saying fine I'll just be alone all my life, sad and depressed and become one of those old cat ladies. So we give in because we don't want that. Whether she's bluffing or not doesnt matter, the fact she's doing this pisses me off. Also my ex is ruining my life still, she's gotten the number of the new girl i'm with and has been harassing her and scaring her so bad that she wont leave her house. Nothing we can do because the police in our city suck ass. And whenever I call her out on it she doesnt respond.
Through all this I've turned back to my vice of heroin to try to deal with this, which its my real dad's fault I even know what it is and how to use it because he was so hooked on it and fucking gave me some when i was a child! I can't take this anymore but suicide is a useless cowardly move, and my brothers need me now more than ever. I'm a 16 year old daddy of two disabled boys that I never had. Dealing with my own issues and then having to attend to them while trying to manage school at the same time. It's bullshit and impossible and I shouldn't have to do it. But I can't say shit to my mom cause she wont listen to us.
I know the internet is the worst place to seek advice but please no dick comments, I know I've gotten mocked for good reason before but now is not the time. Please just someone tell me its okay or something. No one will listen to me anywhere and this is really my last resort. I don't have anywhere else to go cause no one believes me or cares. And like I said this is the worst place to go because almost everyone here will just mock me but I dont even care anymore I gotta let this out. Just someone please give me some indication of something to do to change this cause I can't live like this.
Okay, I'll try not to sound like a dick about any of this, so if i do, just know that my intention isn't to make matters worse for you.
First of, you obviously have a very difficult situation to say the least but I think that this may stem somewhat deeper. Thing is, it was a good move on your part to get out of your abusive stepdad's home and away from that environment of abuse but i also get where you're coming from. Your mom is first of MAJORLY at fault here and there should NEVER be an excuse for ANY parent to neglect to look after their children, whether they are autistic or not. Your mom should be the one to find some sort of balance between her love life and family life and the fact that you are left to be a father figure to your two brothers, especially at age 16, is not only unfair toward you but also a sickening move on your mother's part. Now, i'm not claiming to be a shrink or anything but maybe your mom doesn't see your point because she herself has insecurities about wanting to feel safe and loved coming out of an abusive relationship, but i don't want you thinking i'm trying to justify any of what she is doing toward you and your brothers.
I applaud you for looking after your brothers and you're right, suicide is a stupid cowardly move on anyone's part. You have two brother's who rely on you and who love you very much and it really does take a whole lot of patience and persistence to be able to deal with 2 autistic kids. I can really say that that is something you can be very proud of on your part.
Now here comes the less flattering part
"Through all this I've turned back to my vice of heroin to try to deal with this
, which its my real dad's fault
I even know what it is and how to use it because he was so hooked on it and fucking gave me some when i was a child!"
First of, your are under an unimaginable amount of pressure, trust me, i know what it can be like sometimes but here's the kicker. Your dad was a complete asshole and terrible parent for even making you take heroin when you were younger but i want you to look back at the underlined part. You stated that you have turned back to heroin, implying that for an amount of time, you weren't using heroin at all. You are also blaming and justifying your addiction to heroin on your dad and circumstances(which by all means i wholeheartedly agree is terrible and down right sickening for you to have to deal with). You need to know that the only justification for you currently using heroin as a coping mechanism is a simple thing called "choice". It's not that you need heroin to cope, it's that you chose to use heroin to cope. Now, i cannot make you see that and i'm not going to, that is something only you yourself can do. Ever heard of the phrase "you are a product of your childhood"? Well, that is a phrase that alot of people use to try and justify the mistakes they make in life. Sure you are a product of your childhood, but more-so you are a product of the choices you choose to make during your childhood. My 2 best friends Ian and Hannes are twins and they grew up in an abusive home where they sometimes had to come sleep over because they were beaten so badly at times that we had to take them to hospital for treatment. Their mom is bipolar and their dad actually tried killing them all at one point, but Ian and Hannes both turned out so much differntly because Ian took everything that happened to him, and he got a job and is currently studying at college to further his education whiles't looking after their little sister. He used everything that happened to him to turn his life around and say enough is enough and he decided to make his life a good one. Hannes on the other hand, still lives with his mom and is addicted to just about every type of drug imaginable and he's just in this very dark place where he just decided that if he dies, he doesn't care. It's not easy seeing a childhood friend just gambling with his life the way he is.
My point is this, I don't want you to become the Hannes type character. You need to see that you have a choice. There where nights when Ian came crying to me talking about suicide and i felt so terrible and admittedly teared up with him because seeing the twins, whom i considered to be like my brothers, have to deal with everything they have, i just felt helpless and angry at why life could be so unfair toward them. Hold on and finish school, make something of your life and be there for your brothers the way you are now. Things have to get better sometime and trust me they will, but get your life together, take a stand and if need be, get help with your vice. I also suggest maybe talking to this guy your mom is seeing, but only if you are absolutely sure about him being very cool. Sometimes women in abusive relationships have a tendency to go after men who constantly turn out abusers.