STRIVE TO SURVIVE
Join Date: Dec 2005
Stuck in a sort of a hole..
Before you go any further, this is me venting about a relationship that ended a few weeks ago.
Now, I'm not the type to go and write about my personal life on the internet, I usually just get over any troubles and humps I face, and keep it pushing. I'm also not crying over this or complaining, I'm just having an odd feeling inside of me and I thought I'd share, since this is why I haven't been online since the first week that I received this account back.
So, I'm gonna sum this up in a short story because I don't want to include every single detail since it's personal and not really necessary.
I got engaged to a girl that I've been with on and off(together for months at a time, separated for months at a time kind of on/off.) this past Christmas. We've both been extremely happy since late November to about mid-April. We started arguing a LOT around the month of February/March.
Well, arguments got really bad, but she always promised me that she'd never leave me, and if we broke up she'd have to start her life over again and wouldn't know where to start. Basically, we both had intentions of getting married and living a happy life that included moving to Washington State (maybe Seattle area or so) where it's really beautiful and doesn't contain many distractions. Well, all of the arguing lead us to taking a break, which was her idea ironically. Then, 5 or 6 days I brought her over and we made love in front of my fireplace since we talked every day since the separation and planned to get back together. Well, we gave each other the rings back and everything seemed fine. Then the following weekend comes, we get into an argument about something really stupid, and I completely forget to watch my mouth and tell her that I'm tired of her trying to control every single aspect of my life...
Well, we break up and for good this time. I was extremely hurt the first few days, and then I find out that she went and fucked some other guy less than two weeks after our break up. This just shatters me inside but gets me extremely angry to the point where I wanted and kind of still want to hunt the guy down, problem is she won't tell me who it is.
That's not my main point though. I've been feeling really sad inside but it's like a bipolar feeling where I'm happy one second, sad the next, etc. I feel like a lot of it is my fault because I could've done more. I could've appreciated her more, seen her more, spent more time with her. But on the other hand, it pained me inside that she got with another guy less than two weeks. Her reason was she didn't want to be alone but she could've called me just as easily as she called some other guy.
Well, I feel like I still want her back, but at the same the other part of me says that would be the stupidest thing ever. Is it right for me to even miss her, let alone love her and want her back, after all of that? We both made our mistakes, but I've given her tons of chances, all I wanted was for her to give me a chance for a change. But instead, she went and did what she did and on top of that she still tries to talk to me but sometimes she'll act like she's superior and as if she didn't do anything wrong and as if somehow it's all my fault.
Like I said, I'm not crying over any of this, I just want some advice. I still think about her during almost 90% of my day. We've made so many memories, that wherever I drive I get at least a dozen or two dozen flashbacks during my drive wherever I may be going. Some moments I feel like crying, others I forget about her completely and become happier.
Well, I just became employed at Bank of America as a Bank Teller, a nice paying job that will definitely help start my future while I'm still young (18 years old). That's sort of been my crutch, as well as working out, drawing out plans for tattoos I want to get, and just hanging around all of my friends. Yet, I'm still always reminded of her in some way, shape, or form. And yes, I know I'm only 18, but I really don't believe that age matters. I can be 18 and feel just as much pain as someone who's in their 30's going through a break up similar to this.
So yeah, sorry it turned out to be longer that I wanted it, but if you did take some time to read, I appreciate it. And if you didn't bother reading it, I really don't blame you one bit lolll. Thanks.