Learning to break kayfabe
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Inside your eyes, your mind, your soul - Scary, huh?
I felt exactly like you did when I watched my nan die of cancer. She was relatively young, only 54 or so, and like your mother, did not deserve to die that age. I had started losing my religion before then, but this clinched it. It made me question everything about my life and I changed dramatically.
But time did heal the wounds. I came out of it better than I ever have been. Sure, I get depressed easily, hell I've even tried suicide so many times it's not funny anymore. But it made me see life more realistically, and help people more than I ever could imagine. No one can help someone else through hell better than someone who's already been there. And believe me, it is satisfying to say you helped influence that person.
What you're feeling right now is natural, and i would be worried if you didn't feel it. You have all the questions, but no answers. You have lost the one place you could turn to, and theres no one to hear you anymore. So you are releasing every anger, every aggression out on life's escape plan... religion. I did exactly the same thing. It's what God is there for. I won't encourage you to stop or to "think deeper" about it all just yet. You do what you need to do and take as much time over it as you need.
But I will tell you this, it did happen for a reason. That reason is fate. Everything we see, we see for a reason. Everything we feel, we feel for a reason. It may be a big reason, and it may be a small reason, but there is a reason. Small things were always so trivial in the early days. But you should learn to enjoy the small things in life. Your mom dying at such an early age shows that you can only live once, and that we never know when our day will come. How many more times will you see the sun rise? How many more times will you be able to smile at your brother and sister, and hug them and tell them you love them? Every small thing in life is special... and I'm sure your mom would have told you the same thing in my shoes.
This may sound a contradiction to my post in another thread over in "Anything", but then sometimes the big things can overpower the small things. I want love more than anything in life. And no person can change my opinion on that. I want love, and I need love. But through all the hardships, never lose touch of the little things, because the smallest things may bring the most joy to someones life.
Chat to people too. Always helps. If you wanna talk, I'm on MSN and AIM, or you can PM me. I know what its like. Hopefully it will have the same affect on you as it did on me. No promises, but just think about what I've said, take time out, and revisit them when you are ready. The first step to recovery is acceptance... from then on, you'll be fine. DOesn't seem it now, but you will be.