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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-28-2004, 06:27 PM Thread Starter
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With a lump in my throat...

And a fear that I may acctualy have cancer, I've got alot of things I'd like to get off my chest.

Firstly, screw animosity. There's no need for it. You've got anger, take it out on a wall or a pillow. Not the one's you love. Nor the one's you hate. It only leads to more. What good is it in the long run? What good comes from it? Bitterness? Despisal? Is that what we're here for?

Funny, I thought we were all here for a bigger purpose than to piss off your fellow man. In steps some bandwidth and out pops the rage. Must be wonderous, knowing that you can't be touched. Knowing you can't be seen. In just a click of a button, you can dissapear. But it's not that easy for your words. No one truly knows the depth their actions reach. Where they can lead to and the destruction they can cause. If they did, there wouldn't be a need for me to say all this. Take that as you want to. I really don't care. Got more important things to occupy my mind with.

I'm 22. And right now I highly doubt I'll make it to 25. Sadly, it was my lazy way of life and views that brought me here.

Looking back at the 12 year old who took up smoking. To look cool infront of my friends. To gather their acceptance. Funny, they were friends at that time, but I don't even talk to any of them now. Guess I didn't end up looking that cool huh? If I did, they'd still be by my side, wouldn't they? But the choice was mine to make, and I don't deny that. Nor do I regret it. I probably should. But I don't.

I also find myself looking back at some other parts of my past. My childhood. My father belittling my mother cuz she wanted to talk. And he wanted to watch the Discovery Channel. "Shut the fuck up!!!" Yea, that's love! "Your mother's insane!" Yea...great thing to say time and time again infront of your children. Maybe he was right...but was there need to say it? Sadly, I never spoke up to him. (I still can't when I see him) And that I do regret.

Might explain why I'm such a mouthy prick at times. Might also explain why I feel a duty to speak my views. To make up for that. Too bad I couldn't muster the strength to do that when it was needed.

The harsh truth of reality is there's no going back. Only going forward. To the point where you can go no longer. We run away from that. But the harder our feet hit the pavement, the closer we get.

We put our beliefs in hope that there's something after this. What if there isn't? I myself don't believe that to be the case. But I've been wrong about alot of things in my existance. Why should this be any different?

I also look back at another point of growing up. My first and only true love. And how I couldn't allow myself to let her know it. Only once did I tell her the words "I love you". And do you wanna know the response I got? "No one can love me". I didn't know what to say. Hanging out with her daily, for five straight years. Evading my home life. And the ridicule I got from my sister. "You're a book worm. A geek". The constant beatings from my older brother. And I'm not talking about love taps here and there. I'm talking about drunken assaults. If you were riding on the same motorcycle as your other brother, and best friend, and to watch him die in front of you. Well you'd probably act the same way. That's why I don't hold it against him.

But I found solice hanging with her. Walking the 30 seconds from my house to hers every day. To bring her a smile when she wanted to cry. She gave me the greatest compliment anyone ever has. "Even when I just wanna cry, all I can do is be happy when your around" And that brought my smile out. Being with her was a constant high. I could be myself. Now, all I can be is a disheveled mess. A shell of who I once was. It requires more explaining to understand that to the fullest.

One of the few reasons we never became a couple was because my best friend at the time was in love with her. And I, even now, won't allow myself to gain happiness at anothers expense. Sadly, all he loved her for was cuz she put out. Which he disgustingly abused. Now all he does is berate her. "She's a walking HIV!" "A slut!". Hurts everytime I hear it. I sacrificed what could've been the single most meaningful thing of my youth, to not hurt him. And that's how I'm repaid. To find out his love was meere lust. He wasn't by her side daily. He didn't know her heart. Yea, she slept around. (After their stints) But no thanks to his efforts and ridicule.

And here I was in the middle of it. Assuring her life didn't suck. But holding in my true thoughts and feelings. At the time I thought it would've been selfish to release that on her. But now, I regret not doing it. Sometimes you need to be selfish.

We had alot of good times. Getting high. Getting drunk. Being kids. But through all her boyfriends I stuck by her loyaly. Inside, dying a little more with each one. They all confided in me. "Man, is she a great lay" Wonderful, I wouldn't know. Would've liked to. But I prided myself in a way by not knowing. Because I got to see her. And not get caught up in the haze of sex and romance. But where I should've trounced their asses with words and fists for feeling the ways they did, and the ways they treated her...I didn't. That too I regret.

Maybe that's why she said "No one can ever love me". Cuz if I did, I would've spoke up. But back to that moment. One of her boyfriends at the time went into the videostore we hung behind. Me and her were sitting on this metal electrical box. He was being a prick to her. So I took this oppourtunity to say "I love you". Finaly releasing in words my true emotions. Imagine how I felt to get that response. It was like the wind was knocked outta me. What DO you say to that? "I'm sorry?" Just doesn't cut it.

Well, she eventualy moved away. And, I'm guessing, thanks to all that I've just told ya, she never made an attempt to contact me. She has popped back in and out from time to time. But it's never been the same. And every time she did, I made pathetic attempts to sway her back to staying in touch with me. Again, not being truthful. Not to the fullest extent anyway.

One of the later times, she gave me her AIM screen name. We started talking (only on a few occasions)...but that went sour quick. I got tired of waiting for her to come back I guess. So, when we were talking, she said "brb"...and never came back. I wrote her "where do you get off doing this to me...." yada yada. "Do me a favor, if you see me on the streets, ignore me. Pass me by. Just save my heart the ache you cause everytime you leave me out to dry!"

Later, I found out the reason she didn't get back to me was cuz her cousin killed himself and she got a call. She then stormed out of the house forgeting about me. What a prick I felt like. I appologized, but nothing I could say could make up for that. Not under the circumstances.

I bumped into her again at the pool hall we used to frequent. She embraced me with a warm hug. But for the first time, I felt nothing. All I said was "Hi. How've you been?" "That's cool." "Well, see you around I guess" I should've said to myself...fuck that kid she's with looking at me like "who the fuck are you"...I should've planted one on her and whisked her away. But I gave up.

Like I said, the harsh reality is you can't turn back the clock. Now, I'm pretty sure I'm safe in saying I'll probably never see her again. Even if I did, what's to say she's not married...or with child. Or worse? And it all could've been different if I chose a different course of action.

I don't know why it is I made this. None of you probably care, and I can't say I blame ya. But if anything, I hope I'm wrong in alot of the things I've predicted here. How am I to know that maybe tomorrow I'll bump into her and we'll go on living together happily ever after. (Yea right!)

But you don't know what's gonna greet you when you open your eye's in the morning. Who you'll touch or change in just the flicker of an eye lash. So there's always hope. There's always that chance that tomorrow will lead to a better thing. Happier times. But here I sit, fearing my demise is just around the corner. And I couldn't allow that to occur without getting these things out. So there you have it. My life in a chapters worth of words. For your betterment or amusement, I really can't say. Nor do I know. But it's there for you if you chose to take it in. That I leave up to you.


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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-28-2004, 06:29 PM
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Re: With a lump in my throat...

wow. Best goes out to you, Slam.
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-28-2004, 06:36 PM
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Re: With a lump in my throat...

Hopefully things will be better for you in the future.
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-28-2004, 06:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: With a lump in my throat...

Eh, I'm not down about any of it. We all chose the paths we walk, and just cuz some of the turns I took didn't lead to happiness doesn't mean they didn't bare good results. They've made me who I am. That I'm proud of.

Ya gotta wade through the shit to find clearity right? We all have our purpose in life. Mine wouldn't be found without these events taking place. Just as some of the shittier things in all your lives have made you who you are. At the time, they seem unworth it. But like I said. Tomorrow's a new day with new pitfalls and beginings. Just gotta take it as they come and see it for the bigger things they stand for.

We'll always have our 's to get us through the days.


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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-28-2004, 06:52 PM
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Re: With a lump in my throat...

A hindsight in fear, it's not often we get the chance to look back on our lives and dwell upon our choices, which is probably for the best.

I'm sure we've all let things slip and wonder what could've been, oppurtunities, choices, words, mistakes. You're not looking for consolation, so I will not leave you will a well wishing sentiment to undermind your feelings or attempt to influence you. I'll just say this, I hope your cancer scare proves false man, I'm so sick of the word and what it does to so many true people. Take care and please keep us posted on it.



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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-28-2004, 06:56 PM
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Re: With a lump in my throat...

I hope you'll be OK. I really dont know what else to say than that.

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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-28-2004, 07:01 PM
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Re: With a lump in my throat...

I don't think it's a question of anything getting any better for anyone in the future. Hindsight is a wonderful, fantastical thing. Without it, we wouldn't know where or what to look to. With it we torture ourselves. That constant wondering of what might have been is what keeps us human.

I feel for you, dude. Just remember that what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. Apart from a broken nose, it's the only break in the body that comes out weaker afterwards.

I was going to stop there, but that would have trivialised things. I hope it all, one way or another, works out fine. I don't doubt it will.

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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-28-2004, 10:51 PM
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Re: With a lump in my throat...

This is an amazing thread SlaM. It really make you think about the choices we make everyday. It made me think about what I've done and the choices I made. Thanks SlaM, I hope you feel better.
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-29-2004, 01:21 AM
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Re: With a lump in my throat...

Thank you for that. All the best mate.


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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-29-2004, 02:49 AM
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Re: With a lump in my throat...

The best post I've read from you yet. I can relate to a lot of it.

What's with the cancer stuff though?

The good ol' days.
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