Today someone asked me why I gave up on the things I had worked so hard for. Why I ran away from the things that were hard. And all I could tell them was it wasnít that they were hard. It was just that I was scared. This thing I hated for 13 years had become so much a part of my life I was scared to not have my life revolve around it. I mean this thing seen me though ods , countless suicides, Thousands of issues. And yet after over coming those things the one thing thatís supposed to be some huge mile stone in my life is nothing but a big scary face in the dark. It scares me that rather then face this demon id rather blow my brains out
ďKeep the gun oiled and the temple cleanĒ
One of the very first notes I ever got. And even after the thousands of notes Iíve gotten. Itís the one that stands out the most.
This isnít supposed to scare me and yet I let it and I donít know what to do other then hide from it and thatís what I did and now every one looks down at me .. But thatís ok I am used to be looked down on... beaten on haunted by my past. Sure I could blame anything thatís happen to me. But then thereís always that one person that has to say thereís always someone that has it worst. And most of the time itís me saying it. What horrible advice that is. No one gives a shit about the people that are worse off then them. All they care about are the people affecting them and the people who are so much better off then them.
Last night I found myself driving around at two in the morning it was raining and my car was all over the road and I found myself thinking I was going to die and only then did I really feel alive. And then I ended up in the grave yard and I sat next to heís grave and fell asleep and then I woke up it was just about dawn and I could feel the tears frozen in place to where they laid. And then I started hitting the ground where you rest yelling for you to come back and to trash some shit with me again. Then for some reason I started to get dizzy and I ended up falling over you grave and I landed on my head and where I am soaking wet thinking I have broken my fucking neck and that I am going to freeze to death in this fucking grave yard .And what is the irony that it be right next to you. Then some guy came and asked me what I was doing so I told him I was losing my mind and that I was going to kill myself and go sleep next to my friends and then he tried to grab me but I ducked and ran away.
I am scared of the life ahead. But not of this gun pressed against my head