Hire Scott Steiner.
Seriously, I'd give him a job where all he had to do was sit backstage and cut promos on geeks. And since the entire roster is pretty much geeks, he'd be cutting promos on everyone.
Renee-Ladies and Gentlemen, my guests at this time, the Ascension.
Konnor-Well, you see, Renee...
*Steiner comes in*
Steiner-I tell you what I see. I see two WHITE TRASH wannabes dressin' up like the Road Warriors and calling themselves a tag team. I took a dump last week bigger than you two midgets. You ever lifted a weight in your life, boy?
Viktor-Well, yeah...
Steiner-*flexes* You see that? I've wrestled a lot of countries, and worked out the gyms in all of 'em. That's why today, they call me the genetic freak. Because they know that there's nothing finer than Scott Steiner. My physique is mesmermizing to all the ladies out there who wish that Freakzilla would make them scream BOOM SHAKALAKA.
Konnor-Did you just say you've wrestled a lot of countries?
Steiner-SHUT UP! *beats both with a pipe*
You white trash wimps just graduated from Major Ass Beating 101 at Freakzilla U-versity. You question the Big Bad Booty Daddy again, and next time I'll rip you into pieces and feed you to that FAT ASS Kevin Owens. His momma married a cheeseburger, which is why he's got such a HUGE, FAT ASS. And Goldberg KNOWS he can't beat me because he played in the NFL, and isn't a Genetic Freak like I am. I'll pick him up for the Steiner Screwdriver, and when his head rotates on a 180 degree axis, he'll be able to see the Big Dipper. And when I pin him 1-2-3, he'll know at that moment that size DOES matter. *flexes again* Renee baby, you wanna kiss that right there?
Renee-uh Scott, I don't think Goldberg even works here anymore.
Steiner-Lets go, Renee. *picks her up and puts her over his shoulder* I'M HUNGRY!