Originally Posted by TheLadderMatch
Walls, I somewhat, strangely enough want to be more like you, or at least your mentality.
I have a hard time losing people, went through high school with so many friends and 6 months out of high school, I still miss them and I still wish we were as close as we used to be. Some days I can't even relax because I know how much better my life used to be, or at least how much happier I was with all the people in the world I needed. Nowadays I have maybe 3 close mates, I'm still friends with the old high school mates but we don't see each other at all, and they all have girlfriends so most of them have become pussy whipped and I'm not even sure they leave the house without their girlfriends anymore. I wish I could dispose of people and move on like you do Walls, would make things much easier. But yeah, I play sports and party on the weekends but on the days I spend at home (like today) I just can't get it out of my head that I should be making the most of my youth years, even though it's literally impossible to 'live everyday like it's your last' these days.
I wouldn't say that I dispose of people, I think that's too strong of a word. If I just disposed of people, to me at least, that means I don't care. I have a huge heart and wear it on my sleeve. As I've said before, I'm a very moody and emotional guy. Often times things are just black and white to me, I don't really deal with shades of grey. The way I looked at my friend dying the way he did was that what else did he expect to happen? Such a waste of a life. I was more angry than upset. I had talked to him many, many times telling him that he needed to slow down and that he wasn't going to make it to 21 if he wasn't careful. And as I said, he died a week before his 21st bday.
I think it's so easy to me because other people mean less than nothing to me unless they are my family or my fiance. I don't know why I think that way but I always have. I didn't have the best childhood ever but it was nothing terrible either. There was no monumental point in my life (so far, anyway) where I can say that that's what changed me. And everyone else around me throughout my life have always been the polar opposite of me in this area, so I didn't learn it from someone.
I have at times thought that there maybe something wrong with me. I first thought this when I was walking home from work years ago and there was a car crash that happened right in front of me. The two people died in the crash and I saw them die, and it didn't even phase me in the least. They were running from the police, lost control and hit a tree. I saw their bodies, everything. And at that point I thought to myself "Well shit, that's what you get for running from the police". The only other time I thought about it that day was when I told people about it. And everyone else said they would have cried or have been terrified or whatever.
I know it may seem like I'm bragging or something, but I'm really not. Sometimes I think I should be more compassionate. It's gotten me in tons of shit in my life with people more often than not. And I'm not saying it's the best way to go either. I've just come to the conclusion that the world is a harsh place and I need to take care of myself and the ones I care about, and everyone else can fuck off. I believe that it's a form of self preservation more than anything else.
On another note, I guess I take for granted sometimes that I have my own house and can smoke whenever I want to. It must suck to have to hide it from your parents or have to go outside to do it. I do know that my mother doesn't care that I smoke (her husband smokes anyway, she couldn't say shit to me even if she did care) so if I still for some reason lived with her, she would be cool about it.