Waiting for Moz to steal my points
Join Date: Jun 2007
Re: JIM'S GYM PRESENTS TDL DOJO #2.
The Fourth Wall
Bit too history and example heavy. Needed more reasoning as to WHY for me. Your last two paragraphs touched more on why managers would benefit the product and your last 2 paragraphs were by far your strongest. The parts before were a tad too heavy on text that didn't really explain WHY. Try reading through your debate again and think about how every point convinces you that your stance is correct and be super critical of your own debate. When you're planning your debate think of as many reasons as to why you're taking your stance and then create a debate around them points. A bit like how smitty915 clearly listed his reasoning and then expanded his paragraphs around each reason.
First off this was much stronger than your previous weak efforts. Could still do with more depth though. Don't use phrases like "I believe". It just makes your debate seem really lazy and thoughtless. It takes like a minute to actually find out for certain and it will help your debate rather than guessing. I actually really liked the points you were making though which is the hard part and you had that nailed down here. Then you messed up on the often easier parts for other debaters which is wording and structure. Expand on your points too. I thought you made a great point about the App but just left it there rather than having a couple of extra sentences to expand on WHY.
You wasted the first half of your debate which probably looked worse due to your debate being very short. Don't waste words explaining what a house show is for example. People know. It's not like you didn't have hundreds of words left to use but it's still kinda boring for the reader to read you explaining things like that rather than answering the question and arguing your stance. It got better when you actually started debating but I still thought your arguments were pretty weak and none of them really stuck with me. Read some of the top debates on the main cards and look to take some inspiration in how they're written perhaps?
WALL OF TEXT ALERT. C'mon yeah. I think this was almost good but it needed a bit more expansion on your points and a stronger effort of addressing counter arguments. Like your last sentence didn't really hit home because I didn't feel like you properly convinced me of these negatives or that the negatives outweigh the positives.
I thought you did a good job of explaining the situation but less so of actually arguing your stance. I didn't feel like you ever really got into WHY it was/wasn't the correct decision. I thought your last point about the stump mics was a good opening to that point but that was really your only support and you kinda stopped once you got going with it.