The Best of Joel Gertner! - Wrestling Forum : WWE, TNA, Indy Wrestling, Lucha Underground, Women of Wrestling Forums

LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-08-2012, 01:08 PM Thread Starter
Parks and Recreation Dept.
HankHill_85's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Small town Saskatchewan
Posts: 4,925
Points: 4,852
The Best of Joel Gertner!

For whatever reason, I got to thinking of the ECW on TNN show last night and how much I enjoyed Joel Gertner's many sexually-graphic self introductions. That guy was a riot.

So I found a ton of them and decided to showcase The Best of Gertner.....

"The man who drove Beulah McGullislutty into the mat so hard she didn't know whether to urinate, defacate, or ejaculate, I present to you Buh Buh Ray Dudley."

"I am the peeled banana in your fruit bowl of love"

"Well, well, well if you got an hour, I've got the power. Joel 'You can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat' Gertner"

"Joel 'So hot I gotta get in the sauna just to keep cool' Gertner"

"At this time we were going to show you clips of Terry Funk but we couldn't dig them up, but even if they did our stations don't encourage us to use black and white footage"

Refering to Big Dick Dudley: "Attached to the creature who last night impregnated your mother ..."

"Joel 'The man who is so big he can't help from hurtin her' Gertner"

"I don't know what I'd too if I woke up in the morning and I wasn't me"

"The quintessential muffstuffer - opps, I mean studdmuffin"

"Joel 'Just like the Rubix Cube, the more you play with it, the harder it gets' Gertner"

"Joel 'Put your lipstick on my dipstick' Gertner"

"And you know, now that I've pounded the hype out of Lance Wright, I think it might be time to whip the smiles from Joey Styles"

"The quintessential studmuffin, Joel Gertner - remember that name, you'll be screaming it later"

"Joel 'Point the direction you want my erection' Gertner"

"Joel 'Harder than the tree that hit Sonny Bono' Gertner"

"Joel 'Bigger and better than the Titanic, because only 400 women went down on the Titanic' Gertner"

"Joel 'I've busted more nuts than a peanut factory' Gertner"

"And then there's me - I'm like milk; I do a body good."

"The quintessential studmuffin, the man whose wit is more tongue in cheek than a lesbian orgy, Joel 'The man whose phone number is on your girlfriend's speed-dial, because she loves the way I sixty-nine her' Gertner"

"Squeeze my lemons till the juice runs down my leg"

"I'm hotter than a 15 year old girl in a field hockey skirt"

From his Prodigy interview: "Well, well, well ... put those floppy disks away here comes the man with the biggest hard drive in professional wrestling ... Joel 'I've got more RAM than you can handle' Gertner"

"Ladies and Gentlemen the following matchup scheduled for 1 fall with a 15 minute time limit, and your referee is bald"

"And there's me, Joel 'The biggest ladykiller in Buffalo since O.J. Simpson' Gertner."

"I am the quintessential studmuffin, Joel 'Delivers more package than UPS' Gertner."

"Joel 'I'm like the middle of the litter box...I'm always surrounded by pussy' Gertner"

"Joel 'The girls like to call me Fred Flinstone because they love the way I make their beds rock' Gertner"

'I'm here in Chicago for Anarchy Rulz and some pretty young thing watches at home and drools and I know shes got the skills and I know shes got the tools to give her oral massage to my family jewels'

'Well, well, well, despite what the Florida tourism board has been feeding all of you ignorant people, it is I every females top tourist destination and the man whos crotch is truly the happiest place on earth, the man who makes Minnie Mouses panties wet and the man who just last night helped Daisy Duck fulfill her dreams as she took one for the team and I made her squeal and scream as I filled her full of cream, it is I, the bacon in her eggs, the man for whom shes begs and the face between her legs, the Quintessential and original studmuffin and a Good Lord, have mercy God damn handsome man, Joel 'I shoot out a full condom filla and it tastes like vanilla' Gertner'

'Why go to the movies when you can stay home and see me, the one the ladies call Big Daddy, the one who already slept with the Generals Daughter and the one who truly knows how to Inspect-her Gadget, I am dripping with sarcasm, as your girlfriend is dripping from orgasm, for I am the Quintessential Studmuffin and a goodness gracious, great balls of fire God damn handsome man, Joel 'Whether the ladies are home or here in Daten(sp?), they're watching me and masturbating' Gertner'

'Well, well, well, while Mark McGuire wouldn't have been satisfied with anything less than 70, I'm always happy to be stuck at 69, it is I hotter than Tobasco sauce, but loads easier to swallow, the Quintessential Studmuffin and a God damn handsome man, the man whos got more game than Parker brothers, Joel 'I'm young, I'm hung and I'm skilled wth my tongue' Gertner"

'Theres a monster in my pants and he does a naughty dance'

'The girls like to scream when I'm filling them full of cream'

'I like to make you moan as I give you my bone'

'You'll marvel at my size as I put it between your thighs'

'I like blowjobs from the North, but I love them from the South, so shut up sweetie and put my balls in your mouth'

Fuck that guy must've gotten laid a lot in ECW's heyday. Wouldn't have mattered what he looks like, the ladies like charisma!

"They will LIE to you, she said. They will try to DENOUNCE you, she said. They will try to STEAL your gift, and she was right. Sister Abigail always spoke the truth, and so do I. So when I tell you that I knew this day would come, I am NOT telling you a lie! And on this day, in this moment in time right now, this very second, I can truly say that I have the whole damn world in my hands!"

- Bray Wyatt - 02/14/17
HankHill_85 is offline  
Sponsored Links
post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-08-2012, 01:31 PM
Learning to break kayfabe
Comrade Chico's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cuba
Posts: 92
Points: 0
Re: The Best of Joel Gertner!

The quintessential studmuffin is the man. Guy is only around 35 i believe and would be a goldmine if today's wrestling setting was different.
Comrade Chico is offline  
post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-08-2012, 01:47 PM
Asking JAMES ELLSWORTH for Wrestling Advice
BigDeadFreak's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 272
Points: 0
Re: The Best of Joel Gertner!

Great thread, he was really funny. Shame there's no one like him in wrestling any more.
BigDeadFreak is offline  
post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-08-2012, 01:50 PM
Heel Turn on James Ellsworth
jackbhoy's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Glasgow
Posts: 2,412
Points: 347
Re: The Best of Joel Gertner!

I would love to see him be a manager for bully ray or devon right now, he can be heel and face and he's amazing on the mike.

Can't Stop Ultras
jackbhoy is offline  
post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-08-2012, 01:57 PM
Clique's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dallas by way of Chicago
Posts: 21,094
Points: 5,903
Re: The Best of Joel Gertner!

Awesome. Always got a chuckle from his innuendos and often times outright sleaze:

Clique is offline  
post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-08-2012, 02:03 PM
Mid-Card Champion
septurum's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Here
Posts: 5,905
Points: 716
Re: The Best of Joel Gertner!

Joel "The Ladies Call Me Flintstone Because I Make Their Bedrock" Gertner.

septurum is offline  
post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-08-2012, 02:55 PM
Avoiding THE LIST!
Rocky Mark's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 8,367
Points: 1,889
Re: The Best of Joel Gertner!

Joel "Whether the ladies are home, or here in Dayton, they're watching me, and masterbautin'" Gertner

"I am dripping from sarcasm, as your girlfriend, is dripping from orgasm" - Heatwave 1999, one of the best ECW events

"the only time Bob Ortese got some ass, is when he was sitting on the can wiping his shit and his fingers went through the toilet paper" - one of the best Gertner quotes

Rocky Mark is offline  
post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-08-2012, 03:15 PM
Regularly Beating Up James Ellsworth
BrosOfDestruction's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 3,371
Points: 105
Re: The Best of Joel Gertner!

Fucking epic.

Always wondered how well he would've done in WWE but I'm not sure how effective his shtick would've been in a more limited and restricted setting. Even at the peak of the AE (~98-99-ish), he wouldn't have been as vulgar as he was in ECW. I guess his innuendos would've been in Val Venis territory.

Couple I remember from the top of my head that haven't been mentioned:

"We're in Michigan, right here in Battle Creek. I've been with quite a few wild ones but this one was a freak. I thought it'd last 20 min but it lasted half a week and I laid so much pipe, I thought she sprung a LEAK."

"Joel, I'm a California dreaming and I leave the girlies screaming cause I'm a pussy licking demon with vanilla flavored semen."

BrosOfDestruction is offline  
post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-08-2012, 03:34 PM
Clique's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dallas by way of Chicago
Posts: 21,094
Points: 5,903
Re: The Best of Joel Gertner!

I can't find the video of the promo he cut at Massacre On 34th Street 2000 which was really good but here's one from Guilty As Charged 2001:

Clique is offline  
post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-08-2012, 03:51 PM
Regularly Beating Up James Ellsworth
BrosOfDestruction's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 3,371
Points: 105
Re: The Best of Joel Gertner!

^Do you remember what he said?

Here's another really good one (2:10 mark).

"I did ten Rockettes outside Radio City Music Hall, and another fifteen when I got inside, I did a New York Knicks cheerleader on the subway, and she paid ME a roll of tokens for the ride. And inside a cage at the Bronx Zoo, I've even gotten my rocks off there, but the best time I had was when I put my arm around the Statue of Liberty, and nailed her in the heart of Times Square!"

BrosOfDestruction is offline  

User Tag List

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are On

For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome