For whatever reason, I got to thinking of the ECW on TNN show last night and how much I enjoyed Joel Gertner's many sexually-graphic self introductions. That guy was a riot.
So I found a ton of them and decided to showcase The Best of Gertner.....
"The man who drove Beulah McGullislutty into the mat so hard she didn't know whether to urinate, defacate, or ejaculate, I present to you Buh Buh Ray Dudley."
"I am the peeled banana in your fruit bowl of love"
"Well, well, well if you got an hour, I've got the power. Joel 'You can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat' Gertner"
"Joel 'So hot I gotta get in the sauna just to keep cool' Gertner"
"At this time we were going to show you clips of Terry Funk but we couldn't dig them up, but even if they did our stations don't encourage us to use black and white footage"
Refering to Big Dick Dudley: "Attached to the creature who last night impregnated your mother ..."
"Joel 'The man who is so big he can't help from hurtin her' Gertner"
"I don't know what I'd too if I woke up in the morning and I wasn't me"
"The quintessential muffstuffer - opps, I mean studdmuffin"
"Joel 'Just like the Rubix Cube, the more you play with it, the harder it gets' Gertner"
"Joel 'Put your lipstick on my dipstick' Gertner"
"And you know, now that I've pounded the hype out of Lance Wright, I think it might be time to whip the smiles from Joey Styles"
"The quintessential studmuffin, Joel Gertner - remember that name, you'll be screaming it later"
"Joel 'Point the direction you want my erection' Gertner"
"Joel 'Harder than the tree that hit Sonny Bono' Gertner"
"Joel 'Bigger and better than the Titanic, because only 400 women went down on the Titanic' Gertner"
"Joel 'I've busted more nuts than a peanut factory' Gertner"
"And then there's me - I'm like milk; I do a body good."
"The quintessential studmuffin, the man whose wit is more tongue in cheek than a lesbian orgy, Joel 'The man whose phone number is on your girlfriend's speed-dial, because she loves the way I sixty-nine her' Gertner"
"Squeeze my lemons till the juice runs down my leg"
"I'm hotter than a 15 year old girl in a field hockey skirt"
From his Prodigy interview: "Well, well, well ... put those floppy disks away here comes the man with the biggest hard drive in professional wrestling ... Joel 'I've got more RAM than you can handle' Gertner"
"Ladies and Gentlemen the following matchup scheduled for 1 fall with a 15 minute time limit, and your referee is bald"
"And there's me, Joel 'The biggest ladykiller in Buffalo since O.J. Simpson' Gertner."
"I am the quintessential studmuffin, Joel 'Delivers more package than UPS' Gertner."
"Joel 'I'm like the middle of the litter box...I'm always surrounded by pussy' Gertner"
"Joel 'The girls like to call me Fred Flinstone because they love the way I make their beds rock' Gertner"
'I'm here in Chicago for Anarchy Rulz and some pretty young thing watches at home and drools and I know shes got the skills and I know shes got the tools to give her oral massage to my family jewels'
'Well, well, well, despite what the Florida tourism board has been feeding all of you ignorant people, it is I every females top tourist destination and the man whos crotch is truly the happiest place on earth, the man who makes Minnie Mouses panties wet and the man who just last night helped Daisy Duck fulfill her dreams as she took one for the team and I made her squeal and scream as I filled her full of cream, it is I, the bacon in her eggs, the man for whom shes begs and the face between her legs, the Quintessential and original studmuffin and a Good Lord, have mercy God damn handsome man, Joel 'I shoot out a full condom filla and it tastes like vanilla' Gertner'
'Why go to the movies when you can stay home and see me, the one the ladies call Big Daddy, the one who already slept with the Generals Daughter and the one who truly knows how to Inspect-her Gadget, I am dripping with sarcasm, as your girlfriend is dripping from orgasm, for I am the Quintessential Studmuffin and a goodness gracious, great balls of fire God damn handsome man, Joel 'Whether the ladies are home or here in Daten(sp?), they're watching me and masturbating' Gertner'
'Well, well, well, while Mark McGuire wouldn't have been satisfied with anything less than 70, I'm always happy to be stuck at 69, it is I hotter than Tobasco sauce, but loads easier to swallow, the Quintessential Studmuffin and a God damn handsome man, the man whos got more game than Parker brothers, Joel 'I'm young, I'm hung and I'm skilled wth my tongue' Gertner"
'Theres a monster in my pants and he does a naughty dance'
'The girls like to scream when I'm filling them full of cream'
'I like to make you moan as I give you my bone'
'You'll marvel at my size as I put it between your thighs'
'I like blowjobs from the North, but I love them from the South, so shut up sweetie and put my balls in your mouth'
Fuck that guy must've gotten laid a lot in ECW's heyday. Wouldn't have mattered what he looks like, the ladies like charisma!
Joel "Whether the ladies are home, or here in Dayton, they're watching me, and masterbautin'" Gertner
"I am dripping from sarcasm, as your girlfriend, is dripping from orgasm" - Heatwave 1999, one of the best ECW events
"the only time Bob Ortese got some ass, is when he was sitting on the can wiping his shit and his fingers went through the toilet paper" - one of the best Gertner quotes
"Every single thing you're doing right now in the wwe john , going to every show , The Rock has already done it . Every single thing you're thinking about doing , outside of the wwe , The Rock has already done it , as a matter of fact The Rock has done it better !"
Always wondered how well he would've done in WWE but I'm not sure how effective his shtick would've been in a more limited and restricted setting. Even at the peak of the AE (~98-99-ish), he wouldn't have been as vulgar as he was in ECW. I guess his innuendos would've been in Val Venis territory.
Couple I remember from the top of my head that haven't been mentioned:
"We're in Michigan, right here in Battle Creek. I've been with quite a few wild ones but this one was a freak. I thought it'd last 20 min but it lasted half a week and I laid so much pipe, I thought she sprung a LEAK."
"Joel, I'm a California dreaming and I leave the girlies screaming cause I'm a pussy licking demon with vanilla flavored semen."
"I did ten Rockettes outside Radio City Music Hall, and another fifteen when I got inside, I did a New York Knicks cheerleader on the subway, and she paid ME a roll of tokens for the ride. And inside a cage at the Bronx Zoo, I've even gotten my rocks off there, but the best time I had was when I put my arm around the Statue of Liberty, and nailed her in the heart of Times Square!"