Re: 13 Years In, Over 7976 To Go
3 Years Ago!
Johnny Buckson walks into a bar. He is wearing a polo shirt. He sits at the bar and asks the bartender for a ham and cheese sandwich. The bartender brings him back his ham and cheese sandwich, and Buckson thanks him. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. Then he swallows all that at once. He is great at swallowing.
I SAID EXCUSE ME YOU’RE A HECK OF A GUY
I MEAN MY MY MY MY YOU’RE LIKE PELICAN FLY
I MEAN YOU’RE SO SHY AND I’M LOVING YOUR TIE
YOU’RE LIKE SLICKER THAN THAT GUY WITH THE THING ON HIS EYE
A woman walks into the bar and takes a seat next to Buckson. “Hey shiphead,” she says to the bartender, “Get me some coke,” she demands. The bartender complies and sets her up with the works. She snorts it off the counter. Once the coke has entered he nasal passages and all that ship she turns and takes a good look at Johnny Buckson.
“You’re that frag from SSAW right?” says the woman. “Eat ship and die,”
She begins to walk away, but at that moment Buckson starts clutching at his throat and choking, obviously he overestimated his swallowing ability. The woman sees Buckson choking and chuckles a bit before continuing out of the bar.
Buckson huddled over the bar and slowly faded out. Suddenly, he feels a tight embrace around his stomach. He is given the Heimlich maneuver allowing the food to escape his throat, since it is dislodged.
“Thank you, Good Samaritan!” says Buckson, relieved that he won’t die today.
“Oh, don’t mention it Buck,” said Jonathon Gold back.
“Oh Goldo! You finally made it! Yeah sorry, I actually got to split, there was this really hot chick and I was going to put the moves on her but I started choking and she left. Maybe we can hang out some other time?” asks Buck.
“Definitely, go chase your girl, Buck.”
Buckson ran off after the woman who just left him to die and left his friend alone at the bar.
“One appletini please,” requested Gold.
“Make it two!” says a guy with a beard.
“Has anyone ever told you, you look like Terry Funk?” asks Gold to the bearded guy with a puzzled expression.
“I am Terry Funk,”
And just like that his whole world shattered around him, he didn’t know what to think and didn’t know what to do. He was standing next to Terry Funk. That guy who faced Ric Flair. IN A MATCH. He also faced Mick Foley. They got to talking and found that they had a shared love for Karaoke.
“Okay, Terry, I’ve grasped that you are very wise from talking with you. Do you mind if I ask you for advice?” questioned Gold.
“I really like this guy, but he doesn’t ever notice me, I invite him to hang out and he shows up, but then he is always asking me stuff like do you think those chicks are hot? Mind if I go? A really hot chick left the bar so I’m going to follow her and find out where she lives! How do I make him notice me and how attractive I am?” asks Gold.
“Well that’s easy, what you need to do is find out everything about every person he knows, then track them down and see if they are a better fit for him than you. If they are kill them, if they aren’t let natural selection take it’s course. Eventually he will stop docking around and he’ll see how charming you are, it’ll be just like Cinderella,” advises Funk.
“I don’t know how I feel about the whole killing people thing, it seems kind of extreme,”
“If you are too much of a Plessy to kill someone you are too much of a Plessy for love, remember that it is wise,” says Funk as he pays for the drinks. “It’s getting late, hey, there is no reason for both of us to go home alone tonight. Want to hit my place?” asks Funk.
“That’s all right I kind of want to do some thinking tonight, you’re advice is really helpful I just don’t know if I can do that morally,” says Gold.
“How about one last drink then, I’ll go to the other side of the bar and order it then bring it back here,” says Funk.
The scene fades to black.
I didn’t mean to kill her. But Terry was right it was the only way. I still don’t remember why I woke up in a ditch the next morning though; my ace was kind of sore too. Buckson, I know someday you’ll be mine, which is why I decided to save myself for you that one night in the bar, where I met Terry Funk.
Flipping Exe Cution, for a mind slave he can be a real pain in the axe. I love watching him squirm like a fat pig. I’m so glad I have good competent mind slaves like Vio Lent to keep me company whenever Cution goes to lunch and starts trying to flip up my plans.
Anyway, The Natural Born Grillers are a couple of sisters, Vio Lent and I our convicted ropists, actually I think I did this one already. Whatever they suck.
However, this is completely unrelated. You know that guy Andy Ridge? Well tonight I have a shot at the featherweight belt and I promise that I will kick his gee little butt, and maybe I’ll get him with the tape and make him desire to TAKE THE PAST.
TAKING THE PAST REIGNS SUPREME!
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Last month I proved that anything is possible, and now tonight I get to prove that I deserve to be named one of the greatest SSAW Megastars of all time. Everything before now was just rocks on my yellow brick road. Heck in a Cell? Rock! Tri Bute six times? Rock! Shane Matthews? Rock! Flanders again? ROCK! I kick rocks off the path, but I think I just came to the end of the path.
Kyle O’Reilly, who is a bad guy, now, is where my path ends. If I win I solidify myself as the greatest. If I lose I walk away with nothing.
“Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett
Last time I addressed you this way it was going to be a one-time thing but I’ve decided to do it every time from now on! I think it sounds cool.
Back in heel-land, where everyone is a bad guy, I am a hero. I’m the president of HEEL-LAND and I’m the best at wrestling. I AM THE EMPEROR OF WRESTLING. Bow down to me beaches. I am finally taking what’s mine. Jagged is a sissy, want to know why? He’s annoying, he should just go away and die or something.
Remember what I said before? About my urge to kill? It’s growing! I can feel the urges inside of me soon they’ll be uncontrollable. I AM A MAN OF VENGEANCE! NOW I’M A HEEL. TONIGHT I WILL BE A CHAMPION AGAIN. NOW I’M A HEEL.
AND I’M TAKING OVER!,
“Blockbuster” “Loveless” “Never Forget” “Future Champion” “God of The New World” “The Deathly Hollow” “Murder Sauce Killer” “Stone Cold” “The Chicago Punk” “Mr. Every Kick” “Lord Heelness” “The Best Heel Ever” “Indescribably Indescribable” Kyle “Motherflipping” O’Reilly
And that my friend was Champagne’s last glass.
Murder, Kill, Death,
In Your Train Station: Atocha Massacre
March 11th 2024
The Spanish Super Special Awesome Dome in Madrid, Spain and broadcasted across the globe in 574 languages and American dialects!
“The Amazing” Amazing Halo and “Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac went to a 15 inure time limit draw in the dark match.
“Hello and welcome to our exciting event, will it prove to be as killer as last months Buack?” asks Gold.
“Flip you,” answers Buackson. “Seriously not cool,”
“I guess I can’t argue with that,” says Buack.
GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS
SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS
“The following contest is a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH for the SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship! Entering first, challenger number one, weighting in at a slim 236lbs “The King of The Cage” Jagged!”
Jagged rolls into the ring and waits for his opponents to enter. After a period of time, they enter. The triple threat begins after “No Gimmick Needed” Shane Matthews, the other challenger, and “The Frightning Halloween Flyer” Frightmare, the reigning champion, and of course one of the most legendary wrestlers ever, like Articuno levels of legendary, Jagged take their corners. As soon as the match begins Shane Matthews hits a double low blow to both of his opponents! This match in no DQ since it’s a triple threat! Matthews attempted to pin both at the same time but Jagged kicked out at one and Frightmare kicked out at 2. Shane Matthews picks them up for a Double DDT but they reverse it into a Double Northern Lights Suplex for a near fall.
I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED
OF A FAR-OFF PLACE
WHERE A GREAT WARM WELCOME
WILL BE WAITING FOR ME
WHERE THE CROWD WILL CHEER
WHEN THEY SEE MY FACE
AND A VOICE KEEPS SAYING
THIS IS WHERE I’M MEANT TO BE
I’M A HEEL
AND I’M TAKE
I DON’T FEEL AT ALL
SO FEAR ME
Kyle O’Reilly steps onto the ramp, interrupts the match, and points at Jagged. Jagged points back at Kyle while Frightmare and Shane Matthews keep brawling. Kyle stops pointing and begins to walk towards the ring and Jagged walks out and meets him on the ramp. They start punching the crop out of each other!
“What a sick pervert!”
“Someone get Kyle O’Reilly out of here, THIS ISN’T HIS FIGHT!” shouts Johnny Buackson. “It wasn’t her fight,” mumbles Buackson to himself.
“ROLLING CLOSELINE!” shouts Gold, “That move was killer!”
Buackson puts his head in his arms and starts crying.
“I mean good! That move was not lethal, just good!” corrects Gold.
In the ring, Matthews hits the Dario Effect #3 (RKO (Ace Crusher)) to Frightmare, but he kicks out at two! Shane Matthews gets really pee’d off so he picks up Frightmare and hits him with Dario Effect #7 (Rock Bottom).
“He beat The Rock with this move!” shouts Gold!
FRIGHTMARE KICKS OUT! Matthews slaps on a Camel Clutch, while on the ramp O’Reilly and Jagged are brawling. O’Reilly slams Jagged’s face into the guardrail like 5 or 6 times then lifts Jagged onto his shoulders and walks with him onto the stage! Mild Walsh is there and he has already set up four tables. O’Reilly throws Jagged off the stage through the tables and he looks like he is dead and stuff.
“Woah that was the coolest thing ever! Maybe I will give him a hamjog, are you watching this Buack?” asks Gold.
Shane Matthews goes for another Dario Effect #7 on Frightmare but he gets pushed away and hit with a ROLLING SUPERKICK for 3. Frightmare is still SSAW Backyard Warrior Champion. IT DOESN’T MATTER O’REILLY HAS A MICROPHONE.
“And that was Jagged’s last match,” says O’Reilly. “He was a non-factor, unimportant, and looked like a chump. Biggest legendstar in SSAW my ax. THAT’S ME! Kyle O’Reilly. “The Emperor of WRESTLING!” “Never FORGET” KYLE O’REILLY! My name is KYLE O’REILLY!”
“I guess we’ll get to see more of Ky-Ky later tonight when he takes on John Boy Corbett for the SSAW Global Warrior Title. For now we’ll go backstage!” says Gold.
“So, O’Reilly is trying to upstage us?” asks Exe Cution (David Hart Smith).
“Exactly, Cactus Flanders too,” says “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute.
“They aren’t better bad guys than us. Right?”
“Well, it doesn’t help our bad guy ness when you’re an idiot who gets in the way,” says Butey, “Maybe if you didn’t flip up all the time we’d seem better. I don’t know if you noticed this Exe, but every time there is a hitch in our plans it’s your fault,”
“You fell asleep during Lent’s Ladder Match,” Tri Bute reminds him.
“Well yeah but, I had a minor heart attack!”
“Your fault,” says Tri Bute. “Then you come out with your theme music and Lent has to shove a sledgehammer through your ace as punishment,”
“My Darren Criss Ace of H-,”
“YOUR FAULT!”, shouts Tri Bute, “And let’s not forget every time JBC beat me in a match. You were too busy trying to give his hand an organism to actually help,”
“You told me too! I stomped on his hand like you asked,”
“YOUUUUURR FFFFFFAULT” shouts Butey. “Okay, this time when you manage my match I want you to do something you’ve never done before.”
“Do a good job. I want you to do a good job this time, alright?” asks Tri Bute. “Then I’ll win the featherweight belt, you little flipping beach. If you do a ship job and I lose, well maybe more of your Glee memorabilia will be discarded for Tri Bute To The Doomed!”
Tri Bute walks away and Exe Cution starts crying, eventually Butey comes back and yells at him some more then they walk off the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship Match is next!
TAKE MY LOVE
TAKE MY LAND
TAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT STAND
I DON’T CARE
I’M STILL FREE
YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME
Tri Bute’s casket hits the mat after being lowered from the ceiling. It has purple skulls and blood on it, He opens up the casket and steps out, Exe Cution walks to the ring from the stage like a normal wrestler. Tri Bute picks up a microphone, and starts singing.
“YOU make me feel like I’m living a TEENAGE DREAM,” sings Tri Bute, “How’d you like that little ditty? It’s true. Andy Ridge, “Mr. Yakuza Kick” actually likes Katy Perry, what an idiot,”
“Darren’s cover on Glee, is way better than that ship,” adds on Cution.
“Yeah! You want to know what I think of Katy Perry, Ridge, I think she is unattractive and untalented!” shouts Tri Bute!
“It just got personal!” shouts Gold.
“Mr. Yakuza Kick” runs out from the back and starts throwing kicks in every direction! Ridge kicks the referee in the head on accident since he is blinded by rage. THEN HE KICKS TRI BUTE IN THE HEAD AND KNOCKS HIM OUT!
“That was one of the coolest kicks I’ve ever seen,” says Buackson
“I’m glad your able to pipe in after your wife’s gruesome death, I was starting to get worried about you,” says Gold.
Buackson starts crying again and puts his head in his arms again.
“Well, Ridge might be able to retain his belt after a murder kick like that!” says Gold.
Ridge covers Butey, but no one is around to count the fall! Ridge checks the referee’s pulse, but Exe Cution rolls into the ring and slams a pane of glass onto his back. Cution attempts to leave the ring, but his mentor, “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute stops him.
“Kiss his back. You gave him a booboo! It will feel better if you kiss it EXE!” demands Tri Bute.
“Fine!” Cution moves his lips over Ridge’s back wound, when he finishes he goes to leave again.
“Not so fast, I want to know what it tastes like!” demands Butey.
“If the referee gets up he’ll disqualify you if I’m still standing here,” snaps back Cution.
“Then hurry the flip up!”
“It tasted like back. Nothings ever better the second time Butey. I can’t just recreate the moment! They don’t always taste like love okay Butey? OKAY? I know you want me to say “oh man his back tastes like ripe peaches and Starkid musicals,” but it doesn’t taste like that! I know you want me to be in love to make some sort of point and then I stomp on it anyway because you say to,” rants Cution.
“If you know that’s what I want why don’t you flipping do it? Cution, your purpose on this planet isn’t to tell the truth, it isn’t to entertain these idiots who watch this ship, or to fall in love and procreate. YOUR PURPOSE is to do what I say, to do what Vio Lent says, and to make me happy, if I decide on the fly that I want to recreate that moment where you kissed JBC’s booboo and said it tasted like unconditional love and then I made you stomp on it, well then that is what’s going to happen. SLAVE! Or will Lenty need to pay Chris Colfer a little visit?” asks Butey.
“NO!” shouts Gold, Cution and Butey both look at Gold, then continue the segment as if he hadn’t interrupted.
Exe Cution turns back, to kiss Ridge’s back again I guess. But before his lips touch the ripped, bleeding, plus-covered flesh, he turns around and shoves Tri Bute into the corner! Cution rolls out of the ring and Ridge hits The Yakuza Kick to Butey. The referee comes to just in time to count the three giving Ridge the win to retain his championship.
“I don’t blame Cution here, if someone had that many déclassé tattoos of numerical operations on then, I wouldn’t touch them, nor run my tongue over them,” says Gold in disgust.
Andy Ridge exits with the belt while Exe Cution reenters the ring. Exe helps his master to his feet. Tri Bute grabs Cution by the neck and hits him with Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam), then he spits on Exe.
“He was only trying to help you, Butey!” shouts Gold.
Butey climbs up to the top rope and flashes him an in a bad way. Then “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” leaps off the top rope and claps twice between his legs, before landing on Cution!
“OH WIZARD GOSH!” shouts Gold, “Tri Bute To The Doomed!”
Tri Bute picks up Exe Cution and hoists him onto his shoulders. The Tri Bute hits Cution with a Steamroller and climbs up to the top rope and hits Exe with a Moonsault. Then he gets up again and goes back up to the top rope and hit a 450 Degree Splash.
“More Tri For Your Bute! “The Future Warrior” is butalizing him! Did you catch my pun Buack?” asks Jonathon Gold.
“Champagne used to say puns!” Buackson starts crying again.
“Oh, now that were on the topic of things Champagne used to do, did she do analogies?” asks Gold.
Tri Bute rolls over Exe Cution so now he is lying on his tummy, then locks in around his waist and hits him with Blast Held By A Tri Bute (Dead-Lift German Suplex), inflicting 1000 points of direct damage to Cution’s life points. Tri Bute drags Cution over to the corner and sits him down there then hits him with Altar For Tri Bute (Bronco Buster (Clothed Rope)).
“Remember the rope scene in Star Wars Episode 9?” asks Gold.
“That was so edgy! How could I forget that!” shouts Buackson.
“Yeah it was one of those 9/11 moments I’ll never forget who I was with when I saw that and what day it was on,”
“That was so hot!”
“Seriously! I almost pulled a Peewee Herman!”
“Almost? I pulled it right out there, it’s not like I was the only one there doing it! Too bad they found my sailors all over the floor and beefed up security next time,” explains Buackson.
“See, isn’t talking to me about masticating adventures better than crying over your young, dead wife?” asks Gold.
“Why must the good die young!” shouts Buackson as he begins to cry again.
“Ugh, still, making Episode 9 an erotic film was a great choice, remember when Janbo Felt had six with the monkey so the other bounty hunters could go on ahead and face JereK Sith?” asks Gold, but Buack is too busy crying to reminisce about the best Star Wars movie.
Back to the ring, Tri Bute has Cution on his shoulders and then hits him with Royal Tri Bute (Attitude Adjustment Onto The Top Rope). Exe Cution is flung out of the ring and hits his head on the apron on the way down. Butey picks up a microphone and starts yelling into it!
“Crucio!” shouts Butey as he puts a finger to his forehead activating his mind control power’s pain move thing. He is from the future so this makes sense.
Exe Cution shouts out in pain as he clutches his stomach!
“Good Gosh! Butey is using his mind control powers to give Exe Cution a tummy ache!”
“The horror!” shouts Buackson!
LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE
AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL
SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER
Vio Lent (Tyler Black) emerges from the back. He is carrying handcuffs!
“It’s about to get kinky Johnny!”
“Champagne was kinky!” shouts Buackson as he returns to crying. Lenty kicks Exe Cution in the back of the head and handcuffs his hands together.
“Good work Vio, now he can’t flip everything up again. We shall keep his hands bound FOREVER!” Tri Bute, “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”, lets out an evil laugh as he hooks arms with Lent and skips to the back!
“Well, that was brutal, I’m just glad that vicious beat down is over with, next up after all that pointing last month I’ve decided that I should call this next match a grudge match. Lawrence Alamo, JBC’s friend, versus “The Master of Satriani” is about to take place!” says Gold. He wipes some sweat off his face. “Very exhausting night tonight, eh Buack?”, Buackson doesn’t answer him since he is still crying.
Lawrence Alamo and Master Satriani wrestle each other, Satriani does a cheating move and defeats Lawrence to pick up the win!
“That match was unbelievably incredible!”
“Yeah, a match like that makes you forget all about your dead wife, right Buack?” asks Gold, however Buackson just begins to cry again. “Opps, oh well, let’s head backstage!”
“SO MY BOYS ARE GONNA FACE SOME FLYERS!” shouts Papa BBQ!
“Do you have to yell all the time?” asks Gene Barbecue as he shovels some sushi in his mouth. Time stops! Everyone screams at the same time realizing what Gene just did! “Flip, sorry Papa!” exclaims Ginny, but it is too late, Papa has already unhooked his belt and beat the ship out of Ginny with it.
“Anyone else turned on?” says Gold.
After making Gene’s ace the darkest shade of red I’ve ever seen, Papa Barbecue turns to Franny, “Now Franny boy you are on your own out there tonight, if Gene has to do any extra movin’ out there he’ll blow chunks all over the ring. Stay in the entire match, and do your very best. If you tag in Ginny and he throws up, well Franny your ace will be just as sore. DO I CLEAR MAKE MYSELF?”
“Yes sir! You sure do!” shouts Francis Barbecue as he salutes his father!
“I’d like to make something clear on him! I’m so funny right Buack?”
“That one was a little forced actually,” retorts Buackson
“Yeah, well, your wife is dead,” says Gold, Johnny Buackson returns to sobbing as the next match-up begins!
The Natural Born Grillers, Francis Barbecue and Gene Barbecue defended their SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Champions against The Motor City Machineguns, Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley. The Motor City Machineguns decided to be fair and Chris Sabin opted to sit out the match as well causing this to become a one-on-one match for the tag titles. However Gene not being in the match didn’t stop him from throwing up all over the ringside area. The janitor tries to clean it up but not before Alex Shelley gets hip-tossed into the vomit. The referee laughs his butt off! Then Franny picks up Shelley and tries to ROLLING LARIAT him, but he moves out of the way and clobbers the referee instead.
“SSAW, at least one ref bump in every match or your money back!” shouts Gold!
Franny shrugs then picks up Shelley and hits him with a Steamroller onto the ref’s knees! That move is called More Sauce For Your Steak! Franny pins Shelley!
3! Franny Barbecue has defeated Alex Shelley! He RETAINS THE BELTS! Franny is celebrating and helping the referee clean up the rest Gene’s barf, when all the sudden the lights go out and TAKING THE PAST attack them! Vio Lent (Tyler Black) and “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute throw down the punches on the tag champs. Butey hits Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam) on Gene, on the way down he throws up. Once Butey and Lenty get bored of beating up the Natural Born Grillers they roll into the ring and get microphones.
“Your champions are losers!” shouts “The Future Warrior” Tri Bute.
“Look at how easy it was to kick their aces, we deserve another shot at the titles,” says Lent, “So, we are calling out “The People’s Super Awesome Comish”, Rock get your stupid head butt out here now,”
“Unless you’re afraid of the future, we understand,” says Tri Bute.
THE ROCK SAYS
DO YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLL
The Rock comes out from the back! “FINALLY! THE ROCK has come back to OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHHHH!”
“Shut the flip up, we are badaces and WE DEMAND TITLE SHOTS!” says Tri Bute as he crosses his arms.
“Obviously we are better champs than them, we just beat the crop out of them and left them in a pile of their own vomit, come on, that makes us better right?” says Vio Lent.
“Let me mull it over for a second. NOPE! Not next month! You guys are too smart, sexy, and powerful to get title shots next month! Everyone still needs to think I’m the best now! You know what you guys are? Poopy Butts! NOW TRENDING ON MYSPACE!” shouts The Rock!
The crowd starts chanting “Poopy Butts” and “You still got it”.
“I’ll tell you what, instead of getting title shots next month I’ll put you guys against the tag champs in singles matches!” says The Rock!
“Wow, TWO SINGLES MATCHES? I can’t wait for that Buack!” says Gold!
“OH NO NO NO NO! THAT’S NOT IT ACE FLIPPERS! THEY WILL BE TOURNAMENT MATCHES FOR A TOURNAMENT! The winner of the tournament will face The SSAW Global Warrior Champion at THE SUPER 14 YEAR SPECTACULAR!” says The Rock! “I think I’ll name it something awesome. It will be called the 2nd GREAT AMERICAN TOURNAMENT! This one will make up for the first one sucking too!” shouts THE ROCK!
“Okay, beach face, we’ll play your little game, Rock. THEN WE’LL WIN THE TOURNAMENT! Then we’ll win the TITLE! THEN WE’LL TAKE THE PAST!” shouts Butey!
“Alright! I think this segment is over. I have run out of things to say,” says The Rock before turning around and heading to the back. Taking The Past and The Natural Born Grillers also go to the back.
“Hey Buackson, you remember my daughter right?” asks Gold. Buackson nods. “She’s going to be on commentary with us for the next match,”
“Yay!” shouts Buackson, forgetting all about his dead wife for a minute.
“I hope nothing blows up and kills her that would suck, you feel me Buack?” notes Gold. The memories of his dead wife return to him, Buackson copes with this by putting his head down and weeping.
We head backstage where “The Agent” Mild Walsh and “Blockbuster” “Loveless” “Never Forget” “Future Champion” “God of The New World” “The Deathly Hollow” “Murder Sauce Killer” “Stone Cold” “The Chicago Punk” “Mr. Every Kick” “Lord Heelness” “The Best Heel Ever” “Indescribably Indescribable” Kyle “Motherflipping” O’Reilly are preparing for the main event of the evening.
“You sure you don’t want a backrub Kyle? I’m a sports agent gosh darnit!” asks Walsh.
“No thanks brah, maybe if my back hurt I’d risk getting smashed by a car but it doesn’t so yeah. Jagged is a total frag, thank gosh I kicked his ace earlier,” says Kyle.
“Yeah, it’s in the bible, no one should suffer a witch to live right?” asks Walsh.
“Nice! You called Jagged a witch!” shouts Kyle as they high-five. “That was a smart insult you should write books,”
“It’s always been a dream of mine to write books, Kyle, you just inspired me, I will! Thank you! I’ll make sure to dedicate my work to you,” says Walsh.
“Don’t mention it, honey. Now it’s time for me to fight JBC and win the title. Then I’ll get that hamjog Gold promised me!” says Kyle O’Reilly with a smirk.
“Oh so you’ll take a hamjog from him, but I can’t even give you a backrub?”
“I’m a little superstitious, I’ll give you that,” says Kyle, “I still love to have you around man, you’re my best friend,”
“Okay Ky-Ky, Jagged is a punk and JBC is weenie, there is absolutely no way you can lose this. You walk out tonight a champion, the best champion ever. Remember those urges you told me about?”
“The one I get whenever I see an animal or woman? The feelings of lust and rage in one? The voices in my head telling me to do things that mommy said were bad? I’LL JUMP ON THE BED IF I WANT MOM YOU FLIPPING BEACH! The urge to ring its neck while forcing myself upon it? DOES KYLE O’REILLY HAVE TO CHOKE A BEACH? The one whenever I’m at the beach to strip naked and cover my body with sand? The one I got at Sea World? TAKE THAT SEAL, BEACH! HOW DO YOU LIKE MY PREHISTORIC WEAPON, BEACH? In the caves? With the bats? That urge to kill? Do you mean my urge to kill? Paint pictures with the blood?” whispers Kyle, yelling the all caps parts.
“Forget I asked,” says Walsh as he backs away and leaves, a look of fright on his face not expecting that reaction from his client.
“Okay Ky-Ky, wrist tape goes on the wrist, oil goes on the chest! KILL JBC. KILL JAGGED. 666 MURDA MURDA JESUS!” says Kyle as puts on wrist tape and rubs oil on his chest. “Gold, your going to make my ham jog whether you like it or not,”
“That was creepy,” says Gold, “I hope he doesn’t kill your wife Buack, oh wait!” Gold starts laughing, but Buackson isn’t amused. “At first I was trying to dance around the subject, but it starting to become rather enjoyable, you know, mentioning your dead wife,” explains Gold as he wipes a tear from his eye.
“Flip you, the main event is about to begin, I’m sort of excited,” says Buackson
“Yeah, it’s going to be great. It’s not going to bring anyone back to life, but it’ll be great,” says Gold. “My daughter is a biker chick and she knows all about the not as edgy days of wrestling, like WCW and that Overgiver guy,” says Gold.
“My wife knew about WCW!” says Buackson as he starts crying.
I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED
OF BEING A HEEL!
AND BEING COOL!
NOW MY DREAM IS HERE
I DON’T FEEL AT ALL
SO FEAR ME
“And speak of the guy I don’t like, here he is!” says Gold as Kyle O’Reilly and his manager come out from the back. “Have I ever mentioned I was born and raised in Oklahoma?” asks Gold, Buackson doesn’t answer his question since he is too busy crying; I’m not entirely sure why he asked that.
Ky-Ky rolls into the ring and starts running the ropes. He runs back and forth across the ring, I’m not entirely sure how many times, but it feels like it was a little more than necessary. Then JBC’s music starts playing as he enters the arena. A few young ladies in the front row bring themselves to an organism as he walks on by.
“JBC is such a great champion Buack! How many days is his reign now? Like 700?”
“About 400 days actually,” corrects Johnny Buackson.
In the early goings John Boy hits several moves to the cheers of his mostly female audience. He hits several Bodyslams and Drop Kicks. Then Kyle O’Reilly starts being a heel, he pokes JBC’s eyes then kicks him in the head.
“Here she comes!” shouts Gold as his daughter takes a seat in between Buackson and Gold.
“Yes, I’m here,” says Gold’s daughter.
“Johnny, this is my daughter, um,” Gold says to Buackson, then turns to the chick, “Sorry what was your name?”
“This is my daughter, Seraphina, ignore her stupid name,” says Gold.
Buackson and Seraphina exchange pleasantries and shake hands as Kyle clips JBC’s leg. Gold calls the move “Kyle’s Super Move!” then Kyle starts stomping on John Boy’s body parts. Literally stomping on every inch of his body.
“They weren’t this brutal in the not as edgy days of wrestling, were they Seraphina?” asks Gold.
“Nope!” says Seraphina, “But once the Overgiver faced Octo I and got hit with a hammer,”
“That silly gravedigger,” laughs Gold.
Kyle O is about to hit John Boy Corbett with a Headlock Driver, but JBC pushes out at the last second and sends him into the ropes. Corbett hits O’Reilly with The Corbett Report (ROLLING CLOSELINE TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD) knocking him over the top rope and down to the floor. Everyone in the arena is on their feet! A “Holy Ship” chant breaks out and JBC let out a mighty Yee-Haw! Mild Walsh is able to toss Kyle into the ring when the referee reaches an 8 count.
“That was close,” says Seraphina. “If Elder Justice had reached a 10 count, Kyle O’Reilly might have lost!”
Gold does the math quickly, “We were just 2 seconds away from seeing JBC retain the title, WHAT A MAN!” shouts Gold.
John Boy Corbett hits Kyle O’Reilly with a Backbreaker then he hits him with the Horseshoe Toss (Spinning Fallaway Slam), NO ONE HAS EVER KICKED OUT OF THAT MOVE! JBC crawls over to Ky-Ky he is about to pin him!
TIME IS THE FIRE IN WHICH WE BURN
THE BITTER ASH AND DUST OF HATE CHOKE WHAT REMAINS
SO DON’T BREATHE A MOTE ABOUT FATE OR FAITH
CAUSE THOSE WORDS AND THEIR TOLL LEAVE SO MANY SO COLD
AND THE STORY’S SO OLD YET IT NEVER GETS TOLD
BUT IT’S WRITTEN IN THE SCARS ON THE WRISTS OF THE LOST
IN THE COLD OF LIFE
MY MOTHER GOT ROPED AT NINE YEARS OLD
“Who’s that ugly guy?” asks Seraphina.
“IT’S CACTUS FLANDERS! He hates JBC and mudbloods. HE EVEN KILLED BUACKSON’S WIFE!” answers Gold.
Johnny Buackson stands up and starts swearing under his breath. JBC turns his attention to Flanders who is on the ramp. He has a microphone.
“JBC, I don’t like your face!” shouts Cactus Flanders! Everyone is totally taken aback!
“That’s not true! Everyone loves his face!” shouts Seraphina
“It’s so kissable,” adds on Gold.
Johnny Buackson picks up a microphone. “Hey shiphead. Why don’t you shut the flip up before I come over there and rip your face off?”
“Who are you? And what’s your problem?” asks Flanders.
“I’m Johnny Buackson and you killed my wife! Now you’re acting like you don’t know who I am? You ruined my life, Cactus, and then you just forget? Champagne taught me how to love and you took that way from me!” rants Buackson.
“YEAH THAT, and so begins my journey to get revenge! It won’t be easy, but I will avenge Champagne, I will get you back for this Cactus, and I will bring Champagne back to life!” declares Buackson.
“Hold on Buack, I didn’t kill her, fighting me won’t solve anything,”
“You rigged the announce table with explosives! It blew up! My wife died! Of course you killed her!” yells Buackson, “And now it’s my turn to kill you!” Buackson slams the microphone onto the ground then runs up the ramp and starts trading fists with Flanders. Buackson hits a low kick and he is about to hit Flanders with a Powerbomb on the steel stage when Master Satriani appears on the stage and spits mist in his face. Satriani and Flanders pull Buackson onto their shoulders and Powerbomb him off the stage through a spotlight! IT EXPLODES!
“OH SHIP! “Champagne’s Last Glass” Cactus Flanders and Master Satriani just straight up murdered Johnny Buackson! Who will they kill next month at Bloody Easter Smackdown 4?” asks Gold.
In all the commotion Kyle O’Reilly rolls up “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett and tugs the tights!
WIZARD DEAD GOSH DEAD WIFE FLIP FLIPPIN’ NO HECK NO OH FLIPPIN’ SHIP SHIPPY SHIP NO FLIP OH GOSH NO! John Boy Corbett kicked out at 2!
“Oh my grievous crisp! That was the closest nearfall ever, THIS IS THE BEST MATCH TO EVER HAPPEN IN WRESTLING EVER GRIEVOUS CRISP BALLS! Seraphina are you watching this?” asks Gold, but she isn’t watching this.
“Johnny get with me, one two,” Seraphina pushes on Buackson’s stomach. Seraphina puts her ear to his chest in an attempt to hear his heartbeat. Cactus Flanders and Master Satriani join Walsh at ringside and cheer on Kyle O’Reilly.
Kyle hits several kicks to the side of JBC’s face the locks it the Guillotine Choke but before reaching the point of coughing blood and going out cold, Corbett hits a Spinebuster! John Boy picks up Kyle and sets him on the top rope in the corner. John Boy signals for the Rodeo Mega-Plex (Superplex), but when he is about to hit it, Cactus Flanders distracts the referee and Satriani spits mist in JBC’s face. O’Reilly regains his composure and hits JBC with a The Stygian Murder Super Toss (Border Toss (Razor’s Edge (Crucifix Powerbomb))) OFF THE TOP ROPE!
Kyle O’Reilly leaps off the top rope and hits John Boy Corbett with a Shooting Star Press to get the three, the win and become the new champion.
“NO! This can’t be happening! “Never Forget” Kyle O’Reilly is the new champion!” says Gold.
“BUACK! WAKE UP BUACK!” shouts Seraphina as she continues to push on his chest. It must be some sort of miracle, Buackson’s eyes open as a tear drops from Seraphina’s eye. By neither one’s power they are joined together in a tight embrace and their tongues flicker in and out of each other’s mouth. They stop, but are immediately pulled in again by passion and fate.
Kyle O’Reilly, Mild Walsh, Cactus Flanders, and Master Satriani celebrate in the ring with the championship while the crowd throws trash and used tampoons into the ring. Jonathon Gold joins in on the fun tossing pocket lent at the heel thugs! But O’Reilly rolls out of the ring.
“So about my hamjog, baby, I don’t see your boyfriend, I want it beach, give it up babe,” demands Kyle.
Jonathon Gold stands, but Kyle pushes him and promptly puts him in his place.
“Sit down frag. Yeah, what are you gonna do? You ain’t gonna do a dang thing! You got punked in your own flippin’ town. I’m punkin’ you out in front of your daughter! You got punked! You invented frags, you frag. You should’ve done something already! You should’ve done something already! But you ain’t doing nothing! I’m punking you in front of your hometown! You flippin’ deer. YOU SHAVE YOUR FLIPPIN’ CHEST!” demands Kyle, while thrusting a piece of ham in his face. Walsh, Flanders, and Satriani start chanting, “Make it jog”. Gold reaches out to take the ham and give in to the pressure of his peers when a fist slams into Kyle O’Reilly’s head and forces him to the ground. Johnny Buackson blows on his fist then picks up his microphone.
“Cactus, I hate you and everything you stand for. I hate every despicable thing you’ve said or done, but I have to thank you. Last month you killed my wife. Today you almost killed me, but by doing so you gave me strength and you helped me. Cactus, if you hadn’t killed Champagne I would of never found my true love, Seraphina,” Buackson pulls in Seraphina and they begin to snog like dirty pigs. Buackson walks over to Jonathon Gold and whispers something in his ear.
“I love your daughter with every fiber of my being, I want to hold her and cherish her forever, please let me be with her for the rest of my life. Can I marry your daughter?” asks Buackson.
Gold takes a step back, not knowing what to say. Every part of him wants to say no, because he loves Johnny Buackson. He also loves his daughter. Is he a selfish man? Is Jonathon Gold a selfish man? He knows it will make the two most important people to him happy, but will he be happy? Gold does the only thing that makes sense to him and nods in approval.
Johnny Buackson leaps into the air with glee and lands bent on one knee offering a ring to Seraphina, “Seraphina, you are beautiful to me and I am sure that I love you. So sure that I am willing to make you this vow on humble’th the knee. I will provide for you I WILL PROVIDE AND I LOVE YOU. And you will keep my home and raise my children. I will make you happy, if you will make me happy, so, will you make me the happiest hat alive and be my magical enchanted accessory for life?” proposes Johnny.
“YES! Wizard gosh, yes!”, Seraphina falls to her knees and hugs him. They snog like pigs again as the crowd cheers. Buackson looks into the ring, “Cactus, I want you to be the best man because without you, I mean, without you I would of eventually grown unhappy and her killed her myself, you stopped me, you helped me find my purpose a lot sooner. What do you say?” asks Buackson.
“Oh course I’ll do it!” says Cactus Flanders with a tear in his eye.
“And there you have it folks, a happy ending to a beautiful show! The evil Kyle O’Reilly won the SSAW Global Warrior Championship and my two favorite people are getting married, we’ll see you next time!” sums up Gold as the scene fades to black.
Seraphina Gold on last night’s SSAW PPV was played by Elizabeth Ace, she is a prom star.
Chris Sabin has decided to take another break from wrestling; he plans to be back for July. In the meantime he will paint his face and mime. Here’s a statement he made to The Sun, “Yeah, I’m gonna be a mime again instead of just getting my butt kicked in SSAW, you get a lot of Plessy vs. Ferguson if you’re a mime, I like that,”
Kyle O’Reilly finished building a doghouse two days ago. He has 3 dogs and it is said that he likes them very much.
POP (Pee’d Off Parents) has released a statement on their war against murder of 9 to 11 year olds and Super Special Awesome Wrestling (SSAW). “It was family home evening so we decided to buy the SSAW PPV “In Your Train Station: Atocha Massacre” we we’re expecting a fun family friendly show, with clean jokes, happy songs, and no swearing. Instead we were treated with joke that we’re not only about rope, they encouraged rope! One of the commentators was a homosexual, which we found immoral and wrong. Then the world champion called him a frag several times. WHICH WE ALSO FIND IMMORAL AND WRONG! We are going to go to the anonymous president and have this cabbage shut down, FOREVER,”
SSAW released a counter statement, “Oh flip off,”
SSAW’s NEXT MEGA AWESOME PPV is only SEVEN DAYS away. It is Bloody Easter Smackdown 4! AND THERE ARE TWO MATCHES announced!
Great American Tournament 2 Round 1 Match
Vio Lent (Tyler Black) vs. “A-1” Francis Barbecue
Great American Tournament 2 Round 1 Match
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute vs. “Too Sauce To Handle” Gene Barbecue
They are saying the show will be available in 610 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
Last edited by ndqw; 04-03-2013 at 01:22 AM.
Reason: There was a bad word, sorry.