With hours to go before the 1001st episode of Raw, WWE Chairman Vince McMahon was more stressed out and crazy than ever before. Sources within WWE say this makes the night before the Montreal Screwjob look like Sunday dinner with The Brady Bunch. The clock strikes midnight, and Vince snaps. He makes a shocking change in company direction...
Monday morning, 9am. The Creative Team are gathered in Stamford Headquarters, sat either side of the long table where the script writing takes part for what they believe will be the usual thrown-together mess of the evening's Monday Night Raw. Vince, usually 4 hours early for the meeting, is late. There is an eery tension in the air. Michael Hayes slaps Kevin Dunn repeatedly, telling him to stop being hysterical despite the fact that Dunn has been sitting calmly in silence all along.
09.05am, Vince bursts in the door. There is a collective gasp of horror. Vince, holding a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his right hand, is wearing nothing but stained briefs. Stephanie McMahon asks her father what's wrong, but he tells her to "SHUUUUT UPPPPPP". Vince demands silence as he stands atop the writers desk. "Here's what we're going to do" mumbles Vince, spit flying out of his mouth and landing on the faces of numerous nervous, pale, former soap-opera writers now employed by the leading force in all of sports entertainment. "Monday Night Raw will now be...a sitcom. 100% comedy, 100% of the time". Kevin Dunn, trying to restore order, points out that since day one, Raw has featured comedy segments, but Vince silences him by smashing his whiskey bottle to the floor. "NO! 100% comedy, 100% of the time".
Triple H has seen enough, and stands up, telling Vince he'll drive him home to The Family Mansion and give him a chance to sober up. But Vince says he has never been more sober in his life. The change of direction is final: Monday Night Raw... is now a sitcom.
I'll post Episode One tonight for all to enjoy. Just a warning ahead of time: it is not PG. And it's certainly very different that anything else in the BTB Section, but variety is the spice of life and all that. I hope you'll all enjoy it for what it is.
Vince appears on screen, with a blank canvas behind him, addressing the audience directly. Vince is still wearing nothing but stained white underwear, and is carrying another bottle of Jack Daniels.
Vince: (Slurring his words and increasingly growing in anger) It has been said that anything can happen here in the WWE, but now more than ever, falser words have never been spoken. This is an unconscious effort on our part to "Close the Creative Envelope", so to speak, in order to entertain you in a more dumbed-down, half assed manner. The days of good guys and bad guys are gone. The days of in-ring action are gone. The days of logical storytelling and character development are gone. Forget Sports Entertainment, we here at the WWE have entered a new era..welcome to the sitcom known as MONDAY NIGHT RAW...THE SITCOM. SHUT UP.
Nickelback's "Burn it to the Ground" is replaced with '80s classic "Perfect" by Showground Attraction as the show's open credits roll.
Act One, Scene One
Drunken, underpants wearing Vince McMahon makes his entrance. The HD set has been replaced with a single door from which characters enter and exit, just several feet from the ring, with a ramp connecting the door to the ring. The ropes on this side of the ring have been removed.
Vince: Wellllllcomeeeeeee everyone to WRESTLEEEEMANIAAAAA. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MISS ARETHAAAAA FRANKLINNNNN
70 year old, 400lb Aretha Franklin tried to squeeze through the entrance door, but can't. Vince quickly decides to move on.
Vince: We need a General Manager for this shit. If anyone in the back wants to be General Manager, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Vince Russo pops his head outside the door to an enormous pop.
Russo: Did somebody say SITCOM?
The crowd is electric as Russo struts down the ramp.
Vince: Russo you old son of a bitch, you're pefect! YOU'REEE HIIIR--
John Lauaranitis comes sprinting out of the door to the ring.
Lauaranitis: WAIT! WAIT! My name is John Lauranitis. I am the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and former General Manager of Raw and Smackdown.
The crowd sing along to this unforgettable catchphrase.
Vince: Lauaranitis you old son of a bitch, you're perfect! YOU'REEE HIIIR--
Donald Trump interrupts this time, the fans chanting "TRUMP! TRUMP TRUMP!"
Vince: Trump you old son of a bitch.
Trump: Vince, I hate documented evidence that Russo and Lauranitis were not born in the United States of America. Make me the General Manager.
Vince: We here at the WWE are social media trendsetters. So I have decided there will be an ELECTION to determine the new General Manager of Monday Night Raw the Sitcom. The results will be announced next week.
Vince Russo, John Lauranitis and Donald Trump have an intense stare down as we head to
We see the following promo for SUMMERSLAM.
Scene Two, in the backstage kitchen. Kofi Kingston is trying to get toast out of the toaster with a fork, when The Miz enters.
Miz: August 19th at Summerslam, I am going to host the BIGGEST HOUSE PARTY OF THE SUMMER.
Kofi: Oh cool, am I invited?
Kofi: speaking to himself, looking intently at the ground Man, I wanna go to that house party so bad. I'll find a way...mark my words, I'll find a way...
Scene Three, Daniel Bryan and AJ arrive outside a fancy hotel, holding hands, with Virgil carrying their suitcases. Bryan is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, shorts and a straw hat. AJ is wearing a coconut bra and grass skirt.
Bryan: Honeymooning in Bora Bora, it doesn't get much better than this.
AJ: I can't wait to get you in that hotel room...(thirty second pause) undress you, get under the sheets...(thirty second pause) nobody has ever cared for me the way you do...(thirty second pause) you make me feel so special, it's like...
Bryan: (having grown impatient) Let's just check in, shall we?
AJ: YES! (Huge canned laughter and audience applause)
We move to the front desk of the hotel, where Bryan and AJ are checking in.
Hotel Clerk: Welcome to the Bora Bora Hotel Resort, are you checking in this evening?
Bryan & AJ in unison: YES! (They hand over their credit card)
Hotel Clerk: Okay, here's your room key. You'll be staying in Room 408...wait a minute, you're that wrestler, aren't you?!
Hotel Clerk: Wow, what a coiencidence! Another wrestler just checked into Room 407 this morning, you'll be neighbours!
Bryan: Wow, who was it?
Kane leans in from off-camera
Kane: Heeellllloooooooo Daniel Bryan
The camera zooms in on Bryan's face as he slaps his cheeks and screams, just like Macauly Culkin in Home Alone.
Scene Four, at the announce table. Sat down are the Monday Night Raw the Sitcom commentary duo Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.
Cole: We are live tonight in Deleware for episode 1001 of Monday Night Raw, or episode 0001 of Monday Night Raw the Sitcom.
Lawler: And tonight...
Cole: SHUT UP. I hate you so much. Only my opinion matters and I win all arguments by shouting loudly. I want my Colemine back, BRING OUT MY COLEMINE.
Commercial, fade in from black to find Cole sat back in his Colemine.
Cole: THAT'S BETTER. Michael Cole, Colemine, Cole, Monday Night Raw the Sitcom, chair and #NameYourDickAfterAMovie? All trending WORLDWIDE. TWITTER. TWITTER. TWITTER.
John Cena heads out to the ring.
Cena: Wow, it's so good to be live here tonight in DELEWARE! Man, I love marines so much, and I love America so much. Please stand for the national anthem...
But before the anthem can be played, 6 masked men come through the entrance door and attack Cena! The put a ski-mask over his head, tie him up and bring him to the back.
Lawler: Who was that?!
Cole: SHUT UP YOU PIECE OF SHIT. Ski masks? Trending WORLDWIDE. Who were the masked men that attacked John Cena? Stay tuned to find out when we return to MONDAY Night Raw...the Sitcom.
Scene Five, Bryan and AJ are lying on their hotel bed, which is heart-shaped, and covered in rose petals.
AJ: I have a confession...I've never...made love before.
The crowd go "ooooooo!!!"
Bryan: YES! YES! YES! Don't worry baby, I'll be patient and gentle. At first. Then it's full speed ahead, no holding back. Relentless, absolutely relentless. Like, ridiculously relentless.
AJ: I'm ready.
We cut to the room next door, which is dark and covered in cobwebs. Kane is sat on the edge of the bed (which is a bed of nails). He is growing more and more aggravated at he hears the banging of the bed against the wall from next door, and AJ repeatedly screaming "YES!"
Kane: (brewing in jealousy) It should have been me, damn it! I'm better for AJ than that damn vegan Bryan ever is. And why did I pick this room? It's exactly the same price as the room they're in, yet distinctly more hideous. I'm going...(dramatic music) to make a complaint to the manager.
Scene Six, Kofi Kingston is in the Kitchen with Sheamus, Christian, Yoshi Tatsu and William Regal, all of them enjoying bowls of cereal. Vince Russo enters, receiving a frosty reception.
Russo: Okay guys, I know some of us have history together. But I'm a new man. I've moved on from Car Crash TV...guys, I just want to be the General Manager of the best sitcom on television. I really hope I get your votes for the election next week.
Regal: Listen Russo, nobody is more respected in the wrestling industry than you. But this is the Sitcom Era. We need something different. (Regal sips his tea).
Christian: Yeah, man, I mean the Brood was cool and all that, but this is serious shit. Kids today don't want to see vampires, they want Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Twilight. You're stuck in the past, eh. (Christian sips a bottle of Maple Syrup).
Yoshi Tatsu: 私はあなたが考えていた人はありません (Yoshi sips some Saki).
Sheamus: Besides, without David Aquette, you're a nobody. Move on, Russo. (Sheamus pours his Guinness into his bowl of cereal and continues to eat).
Kofi: I have to get into Miz's house party...I just have to.
Russo: Guys, I've moved on! I can do this! Regal, if you vote for me, we'll have Monday Night Raw the Sitcom held in England once a month! Christian, if you vote for me, I'll rehire The Mountie so that Canadians can finally have some representation on TV. Yoshi, I have absolutely no fucking idea what you said. Sheamus, I'll increase the alcohol budget by 10%! And yes, I'll hire David Arquette as my Vice President! What do you guys say?!
Regal, Sheamus, Christian, Yoshi and Kofi all cheer and celebrate. The camera zooms in on Russo's smug, smiling face, as he knows he has won their votes.
Scene Seven, in a dark interrogation room. The masked attackers have John Cena tied to a chair, and are shining a lamp in his face. Cena's face is battered and bloody. He spits on the floor.
Cena: Okay, what do you sons of bitches want, money? I signed a bulletproof prenup, so the divorce hasn't hurt me financially at all, I've got lots of money.
Masked Attacker #1: No, Cena. We don't want any money. What we want is for you to our bidding. Our EVIL bidding.
Cena: I'll never do it! I'll never join the forces of evil, you sons of bitches.
Masked Attacker #2: I'm afraid you'll have no choice, Mr. Cena. We are experts in hypnosis. It is beyond your control.
The Masked Attackers hold up a hypnotic disk in front of Cena. He tries to struggle, but their is no escape. The camera zooms on Cena's panicked face as we fade to black.
Scene Eight, in Bryan and AJ's hotel room. They are lying under the sheets, both out of breath, finished making love. Bryan is smoking a cigar.
AJ: What you thinkin' about?
Bryan: The time I had an eighty minute match with Austin Aries in Ring of Honor. It was the year 2002...
AJ: That's boring, nobody wants to hear about that. I was thinking...what do you think Kane's doing next door? Do you think he's with somebody?
Bryan: You were thinking about Kane when we were having sex?!
AJ: NO! I...
Kane punches through the wall, and leans his head in through the hole he just made.
Kane: I KNEW IT! I knew you wanted to be with me, AJ! I just heard you say you were thinking of me during sex with Daniel Bryan!
AJ: NO! I didn't mean it like that! ...I was starting to feel sorry for you... thinking you were alone, ...but now, ...after finding out you were spying on us...I feel sick!
There is a long silence.
Kane: Well...this is embarassing...
Bryan: Hold on, hold on...I have an idea that can make everything better...
Act Three, Scene Nine. The Big Show, Wade Barrett, Rey Mysterio, Ryback and Mark Henry are sitting in a sauna, wearing nothing but towels. John Lauarnitis casually strolls in, wearing nothing but a towel himself.
Lauranitis: Ahhh, I love a good steam room session.
Barrett: So tell us, Lauranitis, why should we vote for you?
Lauranitis: Well boys, a vote for me is a vote for MEN. Men face more discrimination than anybody else in today's world, and as WWE Senior Vice President of Talent Relations ,General Manager and Head Writer of Monday Night Raw the Sitcom, I will fire every DIva, and make this a MEN ONLY ZONE.
There is a long silence as Big Show, Wade Barrett, Rey Mysterio, Ryback and Mark Henry look confused.
Henry: Sounds kind of gay.
Mysterio: Yeah holmes, sounds like a weekly cockfest.
Lauaranitis: (Panicking) Okay, okay then...if you elect me, I'll do the complete opposite of what I just said 30 seconds ago--I'll hire more hot, ex-model, talentless yet sexy Divas than ever before!
Big Show, Wade Barrett, Rey Mysterio, Ryback and Mark Henry all stand up, jumping and cheer. All of their towels fall down. The camera zooms in on Lauaranitis' smug, smiling face, confident that he has won their votes.
Scene Ten, Jim Ross walks across the underground parking lot alone and angry.
J.R: Can't believe those damn sons of bitches brought me here just to not use me, AGAIN. I get no Bah Gawd respect, NO BAH GAWD RESPECT AT ALL I TELL YA.
Just as J.R reaches his car and puts the key in the door, we hear footsteps.
J.R: (worried) WHO'S THAT? Vince, if this is another rib...well, you can kiss my Oklahoma ass!
A shadow covers J.R, and he looks terrified.
J.R: (Voice trembling with fear) Now, now, just put that down! I don't want any trouble, I just...
We hear a gun shot. J.R falls to the floor hard, blood slowly pouring from his head, seemingly dead. We hear the gunman run off, but we never see who it was.
Scene Eleven, inside a Trump Casino. The Great Khali, Zack Ryder, Cody Rhodes, R-Truth and Tensai are all playing slot machines, wearing their wrestling gear. Donald Trump walk over, but none of them even turn their backs to look at him.
Cody: So Trump, why should we vote for y...
Trump: Vote for me and I'll give you all a million dollars.
The camera zooms in on Trumps's smug, smiling face, confident that he has won all of their votes.
Scene Twelve, inside Bryan and AJ's hotel room. Bryan and AJ are both very out of breath.
Kane's head pops up from under the sheets. He is also out of breath.
Kane: You were right, Bryan, I think I can safely say we all feel a lot better after that.
Bryan: (Smiling) YES! YES! YES!
There is huge canned laughter and audience applause and Bryan, AJ and Kane all share a huge laugh.
Scene Thirteen, in the interrogation room. The camera is zoomed in on Cena's face. He appears to be hypnotised, as he has a cold, focused, frozen stare.
Masked Attacker #1: I think that's it...I think we've got him hypnotised.
Masked Attacked #2: John...what's your mission?
Cena stands up, to reveal that he is wearing a Nazi uniform.
Cena: (in a monotone, hypednotised voice) NAZI CENA...KILL.
There is a dramatic sting, as the crowd gasp in shock!