Act One, Scene One. Dolly Parton's "9 to 5" plays as Vince gets out of bed with a big smile, looking enthusiastic and full of energy as he takes a shower, brushes his teeth, takes a dump, takes another shower and eats a bowl of Cap'n Crunch.
Vince: I'm back...Vince is BACK!
Vince jumps into the air, and freezes. Linda McMahon walks over, staring at frozen-in-air Vince.
Linda: You are such a moron.
Vince: I'M BACK!
Vince does a dance whilst suspended in mid-air as we head to this week's opening credits. Theme music this week is "A Message to you, Rudy" by The Specials.
Scene Two, Michael Cole is sat in a prison cell along with a 400lb bald guy covered in tattoos . Cole does not seem impressed.
Cole: (cocky) Sheesh, look at this doofus. What are you in for, being a douchebag?
Prisoner: I murdered 6 people.
Cole: Oh my, what a loser. You're goofy. Get out of my face, punk.
Prisoner: Speak to me like that again and I'll snap your neck, bro.
Cole marches right up to the prisoner. They stand face-to-face, and Cole slowly but firmly spits right in his face. The solid, thick white gob gets in both of the prisoner's eye, up his nostrils, and into his mouth. There is an unbelievable amount of saliva. It is dripping off the prisoner's face and forming a large puddle on the floor, possibly even large enough to be considered a moat (maybe not quite a river, but certainly approaching a lake). The prisoner stands in shock.
Cole: You just got MICHOLE'D.
The studio audience roar their approval at this new fan-favourite catchphrase. The warden walks to the cell.
Warden: Okay, Cole, you get to make you phonecall now.
Cole: Finally! Hey, generic prisoner guy...clean up on aisle one.
The studio audience again roar their approval as Cole confidently strides out of the cell. Cole puts some change into the phone and waits for an answer.
Cole: Hello, Zack Ryder? YOU SUCK, YOU GOOF.
Cole hangs up the phone, grinning arrogantly from ear to ear and confidently strides back to his cell.
Cole: I'll be out of here by dinner time. I didn't kill JR, and my lawyer will prove it...
Scene Three, Ryback is on a running track, alongside Olympic 100m sprint gold medalist Usain Bolt.
Bolt: Well, Ryback, my good friend-show me what you got.
Ryback doesn't flinch.
Bolt: ...Ryback, run! Show me your hundred metre sprint.
Ryback still doesn't flinch.
Bolt: Hello? Ryback, you must pay atten...
Ryback picks up Bolt and shotputs him.
Ryback: RYBACK PLUS 100 METRE = DOES NOT COMPUTE. RYBACK MUST SHOTPUT.
Scene Four, Joey Styles and the new Mrs. AJ Styles are back in the honeymoon suite where AJ and Bryan/Kane stayed three weeks ago.
AJ: I can't believe I'm back here again...this time as Mrs. AJ Styles.
On the other side of the wall, we see Daniel Bryan and Kane both sat angrily pouting on the edge of the bed in the signifcantly worse room.
Bryan: Boy, if I get my hands on that Joey Styles, I'll kill him...KILL HIM!
Kane: And he got our AJ pregnant? OUR AJ? Pregnant...PREGNANT!
Bryan: Hmmm, that only really works when either I or Josh Peck do it.
Kane: We need a plan to get AJ back, chowderhead. Come on, think, think...
Bryan suddenly stands up, and a lightbulb goes off above his head.
Bryan: I'VE GOT IT! It's a plan that simply cannot fail to work, it is guaranteed success...unless of course it is a colossal failure that makes things even worse.
Kane: It's a risk I'm prepared to take.
Bryan and Kane start mumbling incoheret babble, and pretend to draw a plan on a whiteboard that was in their room for unknown reasons, as we head to...
Scene Five, the scene starts with an on-screen message telling us "The following announcement has been paid for by the nWo: Nazi World Order". NaziCena and the Neo-Nazi's are shooting some hoops in a playground, with a cinematic commercial texture to the screen.
NaziCena scores a slamdunk, then casually walks over to the camera and addresses it directly.
Cena: Hi, I'm John Cena, leader of the NaziCena and the Neo-Nazi's party. People say a lot of nasty things about us, but we're just simple folk, really. All we want is complete and utter world domination, with absolute obedience from each and every citizen on the planet, as well as victory over CM Punk for the WWE Championship at Summersitcomslam. Can any of you honestly say you don't want the same thing?
NaziCena walks over to the children's swing-set where we see 1980's wrestler The Executioner playing. The Executioner suddenly stop and stands up straight when he realises the camera has now arrived.
Cena: This is The Executioner, the man who will have to pull the switch on the electric chair to sentence me to death if I do not defeat CM Punk at Summersitcomslam. Look at his innocent face: could any of you put him through that torture?
We get a close-up of The Executioner's face with a dramatic sting.
Voiceover: (speaking low and quickly) Support NaziCena and the Neo-Nazi's at Summersitcomslam OR YOU WILL BE SLAUGHTERED.
Act Two, Scene Six. Vince McMahon is sat in an office labelled "VICE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE", smoking a cigar. His secretary tells him "Mr. Lauranitis is here" through the intercom, and Vince tells her to send him in. The secretary rolls in Lauranitis, who has both arms and legs in casts, a neck/backbrace on, with a steel frame supporting his body, two eye-patches on with white-bandages wrapped around his horrendously burnt face. Lauaranitis is speaking with a Stephen Hawking-style voicebox.
Lauaranitis: Mr. McMahon, I am in intense pain all day, every day. I have developed insomnia at the worst time possible, meaning I have to go through this 24 hours a day. Is there any way at all you could help to assist me in paying my medical bills, as I simply cannot afford to mainta...
Vince interrupts, loudly and aggressively yawning.
Vince: BORING. You'll never make it onto TV with that voice and look, kid. Also, I've had a look at your annual salary, it's ridiculously high. We're slicing it by 85%, and you're fined $5000 for turning up to work looking like shit. Now I'm bored being Vice President, I'm gonna go for a walk around Titan Headquarters. Look after the office for me, boy.
Vince begins to walks out, but stops at the door.
Vince: Oh, by the way, I accidentally poured alcohol over every inch of the office earlier. Clean that up.
Vince throws his lit cigar on the floor before leaving, locking the door behind him. The room begins to burn in flames, as Lauranitis is helplessly left alone.
Scene Seven, Michael Cole is sat in a conference room with his lawyer, David Otunga.
Otunga: All evidence leads to you, Michael. I mean a lump of coal was found at the crime scene, it's your calling-card.
Cole: No, somebody's trying to frame me! If only there was a detective I could hire to solve this crime...
Chris Jericho pops his head in the door.
The studio audience erupt with cheers.
Jericho: Yep, I'm a detective now, eh. And I'm not trolling anymore.
Cole: Ha, I love trolling little fags.
Jericho: But...you're a fag...
Cole: ...I like your spunk, Jericho. You've got spunk and balls, and I like that. YOU'RE HIRED!
Scene Eight, CM Punk walks into a crowded bar. The WWE Champion looks incredibly strained.
Punk: Ah, so much pressure...must stop Nazi's...must keep Championship...must stay Straight Edge 4 Life...it's too much! BARKEEP! I'll have...an appletini.
Dramatic Sting. Punk lifts the Appletini and stares at it, his hand trembling, and face looking shocked. He (ridiculously) slowly and (ridiculously) dramatically brings the glass closer and closer to his mouth as we head to...
Back from the commercial, and Punk is still slowly bringing to Appletini to his mouth. Whe n it is a mere centimetre away from him mouth, it is slapped out of his hand and smashes on the floor. The camera pans out to reveal that it was SCOTT HALL that slapped the glass out of Punk's hand!
Hall: Hey yo...
The studio audience screams in a mixture of shock, delight and hunger. "TO BE CONTINUED..." appears on-screen, despite the fact that this isn't the end of the episode. But even Sitcom WWE doesn't let Punk main event.
Spoiler for http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_fObSStlFSGg/S_njGC7KezI/AAAAAAAAES8/pMgXEonhF6c/s320/hall.jpg:
Scene Nine, AJ and Joey (The Styles') are cuddling in bed, when the instantly recognisable sound of a stone hitting off a window can be heard. AJ gets up, opens the curtains, and looks outside. On the street below, Bryan is playing guitar as Kane sings Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing". AJ's heart eventually melts (not literally, she is indeed still alive and well, just to clarify).
AJ: I need a week...a week to make up my mind. I'M MENTALLY UNSTABLE!
Bryan: Eugh, just say "crazy bitch", "mentally unstable" is so lame.
Scene Ten, in a bland, white office. Shane McMahon is sat in a chair, Vince Russo enters.
Shane: So, do you accept my offer of working together in the election rather than as separate candidates?
Scene Eleven, The Miz is driving along the road in his Ferrari, and stops at a red light. Kofi pulls up and stops beside him, driving his (nearly) broken down 1987 Dodge Dakota.
Miz: Eughhhhhh this lame-oid...
Kofi: Hey, Miz...if I can beat you in a race from here to the Movie House, then you have to invite me to your House Party.
Miz: You really think your piece of crap Dodge can out-speed my car?! Ha, you make me laugh, Kingston. You're on!
Miz quickly speeds away (through the red light), hitting 110mph almost instantly. Kofi patiently waits at the red light as the tension builds. When it changes, Kofi takes off, and maintains a safe, but steady, 30mph.
Kofi: Slow and steady wins the race.
Cut to Miz blasting Metallica and speeding at 110mph. However, a wild Ron Simmons steps out in front of Miz, and Miz crashes into him, violently running him over. Miz panics, gets out, and checks on Simmons.
Miz: Holy shit, Farooq! Are you okay, man?
Simmons: (struggling for breath) Just tell my wife...damn.
At this point, Kofi slowly drives past Miz.
Kofi: Haha, yes, I paid Simmons to do my dirty work! I'm going to win!
Just before Kofi's car can reach the finish line (nobody knows how it was set-up in advance, so it's better just not to ask questions), it breaks down.
Kofi: Aw, no, no, c'mon car, JAMAICAN ME CRAZY!
Kofi's car stops 0.000001 centimeters from the finish line. Miz comes speeding past for victory.
Miz: YEAH! AWESOMEEEEE!!!
Miz throws a burrito, which lands right in Kofi's face (he had gotten out of his car to shout at the vehicle for losing the race).
Kofi: This just makes me more motivated...I will get into that party...
Fade to black, end credits. Fade back in from black, to see Vince back in his traditional office, once again Chairman of WWE.
Vince: I'm back, I'm Chairman again! But this time it's going to be different...You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things, and then wonders why his life sucks? Well... that was me. Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting around the corner. Karma. That's when I realised I had to change. So, I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and, one by one I'm going to make up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My name is Vince.
Vince: (voice-over, yelling at a ridiculously loud level) IT'S WINTER TIME, WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME FOR SUMMERSITCOMSLAM. JUSTIN BIEBER AND BRYAN ADAMS REQUEST THE HONOR OF YOUR PRESENCE AS THEIR ANGELIC VOICES PROJECT MUSIC FROM THE BACK OF THEIR THROATS IN THE MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN...and then, THE MATCH MADE IN HELLLLLLLLL-- NAZI CENA AND HIS NEO-NAZI'S CHALLENGE FOR THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP IN AN UNFORGETTABLE ENCOUNTER, WHERE IF NAZI CENA LOSES, HE WILL BE PUT IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR!! (quietly) CM Punk will also be involved. (back to screaming) IT'S THE MATCH MADE IN HELLLLLLLLLLLLL!!
We cut live to the jam-packed (largely papered over, estimated 3,600 attendance) Staples Centre in LA, California, the home of SUMMERSITCOMSLAM. There is a regular ring and entrance-way set-up. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are on commentary.
Cole: We are SOLD OUT here at the Staples Centre for WWE Summersitcomslam. Celebrities in attendance include the drum player from Rev Theory and Rob Schneider. Now, I have my innocence to prove, and Lawler's an old half-wit, so fear not WW-Universe, we will not be calling tonight's event. Welcome your dream commentary team...MIKE ADAMLE and ART "How much does this guy weigh?" DONOVAN!
The camera pans to reveal a smiling Adamle, and an 87 year old, more confused looking than ever Art Donovan.
Adamle: Thank you, Matthew. Art, what a night we're in for tonight at Summersitcomslam.
Art: (startled) What? Who? Where am I?
Adamle: ...let's head to the opening skit. Singing the Star-Spangled Banner LIVE is "The Baddest Man on the Planet", JUSTIN BIEBER!
Bieber is introduced by Justin Roberts. He is booed ferociously by the majority of the crowd.
Adamle: THEY LOVE HIM, ART.
Art: How much does this guy weigh?
Bieber: O say can you see by the dawn's early light, What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming...
From under the ring, Randy Orton slithers out and slimes into the ring like a snake. He punches the canvas in fury.
Adamle: OH MY, IT'S RICKY MORTON!
Orton goes for an RKO on Justin Bieber...but Bieber blocks it, and throws Orton to the ground! There is a moment of uncomfortable shock. Orton gets up and squares right up to Bieber, who slaps Orton in the face!
Bieber: Nobody touches The Bieb and lives to tell the tale...
Orton swings a clothesline at Bieber, but JB ducks, grabs Orton, and hits a Death Valley Driver onto the viper. Justin then climbs to the top rope, and hits a 450 Splash, which Adamle describes as connecting "with AUTHORITY!". JB continues his assault by hitting a Brainbuster on Randy, and finally a Tombstone Piledriver. Orton (for some unknown reason) is in a pool of his own blood as Bieber stands tall, ripping off his shirt and screaming a battle call to the crowd. He drops an icicle (from his pocket--how it didn't melt, nobody knows) onto Orton.
Bieber: ICE TO SEE YOU. Does anyone else in the back want a piece of this?!
--WELLLLL IT'S A BIG SHOW--
Out comes The Giant Big Show Paul Wight, and he looks angry.
Adamle: Uh oh, nobody can lift this man, Art! He is 14 feet tall and weighs in excess of 6000lb. Nobody hass ever lifted him before: except for Hulk Hogan, Batista, Triple H, Wade Barrett, The Rock, Ezekiel Jackson, Brock Lesnar, Kane, The Undertaker, Matt Morgan, The Great Khali, Kevin Nash, John Cena, Goldberg and Bobby Lashley!
Big Show takes a swing at Bieber, but "The Baddest Man on the Planet" ducks, and picks up Big Show in a Gorilla Press Slam, pressing him 6 times before slamming him to the mat, all with ease. Bieber then hits his trademark top rope 450 Splash, and got the 1-2-3 from referee Tim White (who has seemingly been rehired).
Adamle: BIEBER IS UNSTOPPABLE.
Bieber: Any more of you stupid, loser punks wanna try me??
--I'M HERE TO SHOW THE WORLD--
Adamle: IT'S DOLPH ZUGGLER, THE CURRENT KING OF THE RING BRIEFCASE HOLDER.
Bieber: Ziggler, my arch nemesis. If you want a piece of me...put that Money in the Bank Briefcase on the line!
--MATCH THREE: Dolph Ziggler vs Justin Bieber for the Money in the Bank Briefcase--
Bieber grabs Ziggler, puts him in the Sharpshooter, and Ziggler has no choice but to tap after 4 seconds.
Adamle: THE NEW MISTER MONEY IN THE BANK, JUSTIN BIEBER!!
Guests are entering The Miz's mansion as his house party gets under way. In walk Eve, Mark Henry, Kaitlyn, William Regal, Goldust and Jazz. Miz welcomes them by putting a Hawaiian Hula Lei over their necks, and giving them a drink. The host steps aside to have a word with the APA (JBL and Ron Simmons, Ron in a wheelchair after being run down by Kofi Kingston on the last edition of Monday Night Raw the Sitcom).
Miz: Listen, chumps. You have only two missions tonight: have a good time, and by any means neccesary, by ANY means neccesary...keep Kofi Kingston out of this party.
The camera zooms in on Miz's determined looking face. A snot bubble surfaces quickly, caking the majority of Miz's face in green slime.
Todd Pettengill is standing backstage for an interview with NaziCena and the Neo-Nazi's.
Todd: Woaahhhhohohohohoho things are getting crazy here in the Action Zone, I'm standing by with NaziCena and the...
Cena: PLAYTIME IS OVER.
The Neo-Nazi's pick up Todd, and throw him into a conveniently-placed fire cauldron. He screams and evaporates fairly quickly.
Cena: Tonight is the rise of NaziCena and the Neo-Nazi's. Tonight we take the WWE Championship. Tonight, when I get my hands on that WWE Championship, I'm going to kiss it. To gently caress it, make LOVE to it...gonna find mein baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some Afternoooon Delight...
Neo-Nazi #2: Mein motto's always been when "it's right, it's right", why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?
NaziCena and the Neo-Nazi's: (in unison) When everything's a little clearer in the light of day, and you know the night is always gonna be there any way...
Cena: Thinkin' of you's working up mein appetite, lookin' forward to a little afternoon delight, rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite, and the thought of rubbin' you is getting so exciting...
NaziCena and the Neo-Nazi's: (in unison) Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight.
We see Vince McMahon walking along backstage. He is now wearing a suite, instead of his trademark stained briefs (although they may be underneath). He has a big smile on his face as he knocks on a changing-room door. BRET HART opens the door.
Vince: Bret, I'm a new man. I'm here to right all the wrongs I've committed over the last 67 years of my life, and I'd like to start with you.
Bret: Did I ever tell you about that time I got screwed by Shawn Michaels?
Vince: Yes, literally hundreds of times. That's why I'm here for. I'd like to apol...apolo...ap-p-p-p-p-p...
Bret: You're here to what? Spit it out, Vince!
Vince struggles to pronounce the word, before spitting in Bret's face, and kicking him in the nuts. Bret falls to the floor.
Vince: Ahhh, that's more like it! LATER TONIGHT, BRET, YOU TAKE ON SHAWN MICHAELS, IN THE REMATCH OF THE CENTURY!
Adamle: You hear that, Art? Later tonight, we get the Bret Michaels-Shawn Hart rematch, finally!
Shane McMahon and Vince Russo are stood on platforms in the ring, as we are set to find out who the winner of the General Manager Election is. Out comes former ECW General Manager and Drew McIntyre-beater Tiffany to announce the result.
Tiffany: It's a tie. 33% for Shane, 33% for Russo, 33% for Mystery Candidate.
Russo: That's only 99%??
Tiffany: Ron Paul won 1% of the vote.
Cut to Ron Paul at home, watching in an armchair.
Paul: I'll win an election...one day...
Cut back to the ring.
Tiffany: So I'm making a TRIPLE THREAT match right NOW, with THE winner becoming NEW General Manager OF Monday Night Raw the SITCOM.
--MATCH FOUR: Shane McMahon vs Vince Russo vs ???--
Russo takes down Shane with some Greko-Roman wrestling to begin the match, as is his traditional style. Russo locks in a Triangle Choke hold, and Shane is about to tap when...
JOHN LAURANITIS' MUSIC HITS! Out rolls Big Johnny, to a monumental pop (NOTE: an estimated 1,900 of the 3,600 fans in attendance have left by this point). He is still in a wheelchair, with both arms and legs in casts, his neck and back in a brace, with a giant steel frame supporting his spine. His face is wrapped in bandages after Vince McMahon scaulded every inch of it with acid, and he has an eyepatch covering each eye. We are informed that his body is 95% covered with Fourth Degree burns, and he has been fitted with a computer-controlled voicebox as his throat with hideously burned and destroyed by the acid.
Russo: Ha, this chump! As Limp Bizkit would say, keep on rollin', baby!
Nobody in the crowd laughs. Lauranitis slowly rolls up the steps, and into the ring (defying physics in doing so). Russo immediately brutalises Lauaranitis with a steel chair, giving him a relentless beating, surely fracturing the majority of Lauaranitis' brittle bones. Russo then chucks Shane McMahon out of the ring, and grabs some thumbtacks. He pours them on the canvas, before delievering 4 vicious powerbombs on Lauaranitis, onto the thumbtacks.
Russo: I guess I'll go for the PINS...and NEEDLES.
Nobody in the crowd laughs again, many so angered by this poor joke that they leave in disgust. But as Russo goes for the cover, Lauranitis somehow rolls up Russo, and gets the pinfall!!!
Adamle: WE HAVE A NEW COMMISIONER!
Lauaranitis celebrates his victory by posing on the top rope (basically balancing his wheelchair on the rope, incapable of actually moving). Unfortunately, the wheelchair doesn't balance correctly, and he falls off, landing testicles-first into the steel steps. WWE Doctor, Dr. Jorgé Zahorian (no relation to George) comes out and performs an emergency castration/neutering, effectively spoiling the joyous occassion for Big Johnny.
We return to The Miz's house party. Kane is taking a shot from a beer bong, with Daniel Bryan pouring the Budweiser in. They are having a great laugh, and are both incredibly drunk.
Bryan: Kane...man...I love you. WHO NEEDS THAT SLUT AJ?
Kane: Ha ha ha...not us...am I right, haha? I mean...who needs her?
Bryan: Not us, am I right! She's a slut...SLUT!!!
Kane and Bryan share a laugh before making eye contact, and begin to sob uncontrollably. Kane snaps out of the tears eventually.
Kane: NO! Revenge...we must get....revenge....
The camera pans to outside the mansion. Kofi Kingston is dressed in camoflauge, hiding in some shrubbery, looking in at the party with binoculars. He is also on a cellphone (which is a glowing flourescent pink, effectively voiding the good work of thee camoflauge gear).
Kofi: (speaking on the phone) I can't get into this party without you, man. So...are you in?
We see a close up of a mouth. A very fat mouth, with numerous flapping chins bouncing below it as it gyrates.
Mouth: I'm in.
Pan out to reveal the man that owns the fat mouth is none other than...MATT HARDY.
Michael Cole heads out to the ring, receiving deafening boo's from the 300 fans left in attendance (although, in his defence, they were already booing before his entrance).
Cole: Can I have your attention, please? I have just received an email from...
Cole panicks, realising he is remembering lines from 2 years ago, instead of his lines for tonight.
Cole: Eh, I am NOT the murderer of Jim Ross, I have been FRAMED!
Jerry "The King" Lawler comes out to interrupt.
Lawler: Shut up, scumbag. You killed my friend Jim Ross. They found a lump of coal and a lump of shit at the crime scene: the two things most associated with you. TAKE HIM AWAY, BOYS!
Out comes Officer Rico Constantino, The Mountie and Duke "The Dumpster" Droese to arrest Cole (Droese used to make up the numbers because no other law enforcement gimmick wrestlers were available).
Cole: Noooooo, it can't be, I'm innocenttttttt, I WAS FRAMEDDDDD
We see Cole locked in a prison cell, with Lawler literally throwing away the key. At this stage, we see a figure in a dark room laughing manically.
Voice of shadow figure: You always called me a loser, Cole. Your squashed my momentum and killed my push...well, I killed JR. And now I've killed your career...it was totally worth it--WOO WOO WOO...You know it.
These 2 Hall of Famers get the jobber treatment, both already in the ring when we cut to the match. HBK takes a swing at Bret, by Hart ducks, and locks in the Sharpshooter. Vince appears at ringside, and orders the bell to be rung, despite the fact that Michaels didn't tap out.
Vince: SHAWN SCREWED SHAWN.
Vince and Bret skip off holding hands, as Shawn Michaels destroys the announce table, giving Art Donovan Sweet Chin Music that dislocates his brittle old jaw.
HBK spells the initials "TNA" in the air with his fingers, as we cut back to The Miz's house party.
All of the guests are staggering around Miz's mansion, incredibly drunk. Matt Hardy bursts through the front door, weighing an estimated 450lb. There is an awkward silence, and a tense stare between Miz and Matt.
Miz: Matt Hardy...(breaks into a huge smile) you fat son of a bitch, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!
Miz and Matt share a hug. Over Miz's shoulder, Matt gives a nod out the window, which Kofi sees through his binoculars, and looks determined.
CM Punk is sat in his locker room, staring at a bottle of Jack Daniels. Scott Hall bursts in the door (tripping 3 further times, before finally gaining balance).
Hall: HEY YO.
Punk: JUST ONE DRINK, SCOTT!
Hall: No! That's how it starts, one drink and you can't stop. Don't take the first drink, and you'll be fine. Alcoholism is a serious condition that has incredibly destructive effects on a person's body and mind. It debilitates your capability of prospering as a productive and effectient member of society. Phil, if you can just avoid drink number one, you will prevent a plethora of problems that are excruciatingly heart-wrenching to overcome. Please..just don't take that first drink.
Hall has been giving this speech into the distance, and looks down to see that Punk has already downed the entire bottle of Jack Daniels, and is lying on the floor, foaming from the mouth.
Punk: WHAT THE HELL IS SERENA DOING THESE DAYS? MAYBE I SHOULD CALL HER, I ALWAYS WANTED TO FUCK HER.
We see Ryback at the Olympic Stadium in London. He is lined up for the 100m sprint, beside Usain Bolt. It would appear he has abandonded his shot-put ambitions for reasons not explained.
Bolt: You're going down, Ry-ry.
Ryback: Speed me more.
CANNED LAUGHTER! [The first canned laughter use of the night ladies and gentlemen!!!]
The race begins, and Ryback wins, completing the 100m sprint in an astonishing 3.6 seconds. We quickly cut to Ryback in the doctor's office.
Doctor: Well, not surprisingly, you failed the drug test, Ryan. In fact, how you are not dead right now, I do not know. Ryback,what are you doing? Don't look at me like that! Ryback, no, noooooo!!!
[Dramatization, may not have happened.]
We focus in on the screaming, pathetic worm face of the doctor, before quickly cutting to the medal ceremony. Ryback is stood atop the podium in first place, Usain Bolt looking on with jealousy from the silver medal position. Ryback's entrance music is playing instead of the US national anthem. Ryback's pink-eye has flaired up ferociously, and tears are streaming from his face at a fantastic rate.
Ryback: YO ADRIAN, I DID IT!!!
Ryback jumps and freezes in celebration (fifteen feet in the air).
Scott Hall is sitting with CM Punk in a bathroom backstage. Hall splashes water in Punk's face, before Punk slinks to the toilet bowl to throw up.
Hall: Been there, my friend...been there. But come on, you have a WWE Championship to defend!
Punk: WELCOME TO IWA: MID SOUTH, TONIGHT CM PUNK TAKES ON CHRIS HERO IN A 90 MINUTE TLC MATCH...
Hall: (staring into the distance as CM Punk rambles) I have no choice...I'll have to defend the WWE Championship...MYSELF.
Miz and Matt Hardy are sat in the kitchen at Miz's house party.
Miz: I dunno, Matt, I haven't taken the shit in such a long time...
Matt: Come on man, I snort the stuff every night, and look at me--there's no bad side effects.
Miz: You're right...okay, I'll do it, right here!
Matt: (panicking, his fat jowels quivering, excess fat oozing from a hole in one of his chins) Ah no, I'm an expert, trust me, snorting it off a sidewalk is best.
Miz: A sidewalk? Well, I suppose nobody knows more about the stuff than you. Let's go outside.
Miz and Matt Hardy exit through the kitchen door, walk to an alley beside the mansion, before stopping beside some dumpsters. From inside the dumpster jumps KOFI, taking out Matt with TROUBLE IN PARADISE!!! Kofi and Matt then run back to the mansion, and lock the door. Miz comes running back, banging on the door and windows.
Miz: THIS IS MY PARTY, I CAN'T BE LOCKED OUT! NOOOOO!! I'M HUMILIATED!!!
Kofi: I did it, WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Kofi turns up the music (Baha Men- "Who Let The Dog's Out?"), drowning out Miz's screams, and finally joins in the party.
Miz: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Without attention, I'm nothing! I'm MELTING, MELTINGGGGG!!!!
Miz melts to the ground, bubbling up until all that remains is an eye, which eventually pops.
--MATCH SIX: NaziCena (w/the Neo-Nazi's) vs CM Punk (being represented here by Scott Hall) for the WWE CHAMPIONSHIP--
NaziCena and the Neo-Nazi's make their entrance to Rammstein's "Du Hast". The arena is now filled with 20,000 people, 98% of them Neo-Nazi's. Cena is more over than Rocky towards the end of Rocky IV.
Scott Hall then stumbles out to "Why Can't we be Friends" by WAR. Cena laughs at Hall as he enters the ring, before delievering an unbelievably vicious clothesline that gives Hall a concussion, knocks out 6 of his teeth and busts his mouth wide open. The crowd is electric.
Cena: PLAYTIME IS OVER.
Cena lifts Hall up for the AA, when all of a sudden...
--LOOK IN MY EYES, WHAT DO YOU SEE...THE CULT OF PERSONALITY--
Cena: Cult of Personality? More like CUNT of Personality.
The predominantly Neo-Nazi audience laugh uproariously.
A now-sobered up, incredibly determined CM Punk enters the ring.
Punk: I have overcome my 3-hour long addiction to alcohol, and I can see the light now. You're going down, you Nazi scumbag.
Hall: That's my boy!
Punk runs at NaziCena, but the challenger trips him with ease, locks in a vicious STF that snaps several vertabrae in Punk's spine, and forces the Champion to tap within seconds.
Justin Roberts: And the NEWWWWWWW WWE CHIIIIIMMMMMPPPIOONNNNNN....NAZZZIIII JAAAAHHNNNNNNN CEEEEEENAAAAAA!
NaziCena holds the title in the air triumphantly as the crowd of skinheads go nuts, when suddenly...
--AND I WAS LIKE BABY, BABY, BABY, OHHHH--
JUSTIN BIEBER, now incredibly buff and wearing Ol' Glory as a cape, stands atop the entrance way! Bieber runs down to th ring like a freight train, easily beating up all of NaziCena's Neo-Nazi partners, picking one up, and using him to knock down the rest like bowling pins. Bieber then enters the ring and stares off with NaziCena.
Bieber: I'm cashing in my MONEY IN THE BANK lunchbox.
Bieber cashes in, and the bell rings!!!
--MATCH SEVEN: NaziCena vs Justin Bieber for the WWE CHAMPIONSHIP--
NaziCena kicks Bieber full force in the balls, but Bieber just shakes his head and smiles.
Bieber: (grinning) Ain't got none.
Bieber then picks up Cena and delievers a 360 degree jumping-flip TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER! Referee Nick Patrick counts 1-2-3!!! WE HAVE ANOTHER NEW WWE CHAMPION! $8million worth of red, white and blue pyro goes off, as confetti falls for 20 minutes, everybody in the audience throwing garbage in the ring and leaving the arena in disgust.
Just as the ring empties out, Vince McMahon's music hits for the 14th time tonight! Vince, from a lockeroom backstage, announces a "shock announcement". He is watching both Raw and Impact Wrestling on 2 different laptops.
Vince: Look at this- on one laptop, WWE Monday Night Raw the Sitcom, on the other TNA Impact Wrestling. Well, I've just bought my competition- I have now purchased TNA! The deal is finalised, and the contract reads...
The TNA monitor turns to static, before Triple H appears standing in the middle of the ring in a packed out, excited Impact Zone.
HHH: The deal is finalised, and the name on the contract does read McMahon...but it reads "TRIPLE H-MCMAHON"! I NOW OWN TNA WRESTLING.
Vince collapses to the floor, his suite evaporating, leaving him wearing his trademark stained white-underwear (and it is apparent that Vince soils himself), as we...
FADE TO BLACK.
Adamle: Oh yeah, by the way, Bryan Adams pulled out.
Spoiler for Quick results:
Justin Bieber def. Randy Orton by stoppage
Justin Bieber def. The Big Show by pinfall
Justin Bieber def. Dolph Ziggler by submission
John Lauaranitis def. Vince Russo, Shane McMahon by pinfall
Bret Hart def. Shawn Michaels by submission
John Cena def. CM Punk by submission
Justin Bieber def. John Cena by pinfall
Spoiler for What did we learn?:
Daniel Bryan and Kane are in love...with each other.
-John Lauaranitis is the new General Manager of Monday Night Raw the Sitcom.
-Kofi finally got into Miz's house party!
-The Miz has evaporated, after melting to the floor in the agony of being ignored.
-It was Zack Ryder who shot Jim Ross.
-Ryback is the Olympic 100m sprint gold medal winner and new world record holder.
-Justin Bieber is the new WWE Champion.
-Triple H now owns TNA.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again... this thread is PUREEEEE FOOLISHNESS. Lmfao. Summerslam was QUITE the show and as MUCH as I hate Justin Beiber, I gotta say I enjoy reading the ush you're giving him... haha. Even as I type this, I can't take myself serious. Your description of Matt was... funny, to say the least and him helping Kofi get into the party was funny as well. Question though -- was Miz melting your way of writing him off for good? Other than that, my only negative note is that I hate John Laurinaitus... But thats just my personal disdain speaking. I gotta say, the uniqueness of this thing is keeping it alive and you have quite the following, it seems... haha. Keep it up, bro. Good to see someone doesn't take things TOO serious and has a decent sense of humor. Cheers.
I'm Back To Booking! Check Out My New BTB: ▪ WWE: Power, Prestige, PASSION. ▪
(Click The Text, Budd.)
------------------ "It's A PUNK Party!!" WWE SUMMERSLAM HAS BEEN POSTED!!
(Click "Summerslam" To See The SHOW!)
In case you haven't noticed, I'm a total mark for the Georgia font.
Haha thanks so much for the feedback, I can only imagine what people think when reading this. I love how "was Miz melting your way of writing him off for good?" is a genuine question. To be honest, I only planned things out to Summerslam, so I'm going to take this week off, and try to think of some more different, ridiculous stories for September.