James Earl Jones: Previously on Monday Night Raw the Sitcom...
We see John Cena hanging off the edge of a helicopter in mid-air, with masked villains aimlessly firing bullets at him from machine guns.
Cena: You Neo-Nazi scumbags, I'll never join your forces!
Cut to the image of blood pouring from J.R's head
James Earl Jones: Who Shot J.R?
Cut to Vince McMahon strolling along a dark forest in his underpants
Vince: (speaking directly to the camera) Aliens! Alien sons of bitches...abducted me...I'll never be the same again...
Monday Night Raw the Sitcom opening video--this week's featured theme song-- the theme song from Cheers.
Vince: (voiceover) Monday Night Raw the Sitcom was filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Act One, Scene One.
We head straight to the set (arena). The ring ropes have now been completely taken away, and in the ring is a couch, a TV, a grand piano, and other generic sitcom living room items. The Neo Nazi's enter through the front door to a pantomine-esque "boooo tsssssss" from the studio audience.
Neo Nazi #1: Hey guys, where's John?
All of the Neo Nazi's shrug their shoulders and check behind the couch, behind the TV, behind the grand piano, and behind the other generic sitcom living room items.
Enter Cena, in full Nazi gear, through the front door. Cena looks like he's up to mischief as he grins, and tells the studio audience to "shhhh" as he creeps up on his fellow Neo Nazis.
Cena: HEIL CENA!
The other Neo Nazi's jump, before realising it is Nazi Cena. They all share a great laugh.
Neo Nazi #2: (playfully) Ah, Führer Cena, you startled us!
Cena: (abruptly serious, in a thick German accent) Playtime is over. We have a mission, men.
Cena lays out a map on the grand piano.
Neo Nazi #1: Is that the map to Wendy's? Mmm we Neo Nazi's sure get hungry.
Cena: (furious, slamming his fist on the grand piano) NEIN, NEIN, NEIN! These are my plans...(the camera zooms in on Nazi Cena's serious, ice cold face) for World Domination.
Dramatic sting. (which sounds like this):
Scene B, in the parking lot. Brock Lesnar, (wearing a long brown trenchcoat, Sherlock Holmes flannel hat, and with a magnifying glass, is on his knees inspecting the chalk outline of J.R's dead body, which is ridiculously and unneccesarily huge). Cody Rhodes, dressed as a 1950's reporter runs into shot.
Cody: (talking fast with a New York accent) Brock, baby! I needa big story, real big, see? You found any clues, buster? C'mon, you're killing me here, anything?
Brock: What are you gettin' so hot about? You press...why I oughta punch you square in the mouth, hotshot! But yes, I have taken DNA samples, and have narrowed it down to 3 possible murderers. Now get out of my way, I have to get back to the lab, I'm a scientist as well as a detective.
Brock takes off his detective outfit to reveal a white scientist's coat underneat, before walking off. Cody looks straight into the camera.
Cody: Cody Rhodes, KTVB, New York.
Scene C, Vince is sitting with renound fictional psychiatrist Frasier Crane (played by Kelsey Grammer) in a therapy room. Vince is still wearing nothing but stained underwear as he lies down on the long, leather traditional psychatrist couch.
Vince: I'm telling you, you son of a bitch, I was abducted by aliens.
Frasier: Well, Vince...
Vince: (interrupting) THAT'S MISTER MCMAHON TO YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH.
Frasier: Mr. McMahon...I understand you've gone through a lot of changes lately, and your family feel your recent alcoholism has...
Vince: SHUT UP YOU SON OF A BITCH. I WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS AND YOU'RE AN IVY LEAGUE, POMPOUS SON OF A BITCH, YOU SON OF A BITCH. In fact....YOU'REEEEEE FIIIIRREEEEDDDD!!!
The studio audience go wild with applause and cheers as Vince utters this classic catchphrase.
Vince: And I invented that catchphrase, not Donald Trump. I feel it neccesary to bring this up every single time I mention it, despite the fact that nobody apart from me or Trump actually care. (Vince's eyes widen, and he stands up) WAIT A MINUTE! Trump! I have to reveal the winner of the General Manager election!
Vince runs out of the room, the studio audience roaring their support as we cut to the next scene.
Scene D, on a beach in Bora Bora. Daniel Bryan, AJ and Kane are catching some rays, all of them wearing thongs.
Kane: You know guys, I think this three-way marriage may just work.
Bryan: YES! (Canned laughter). I don't think I've ever been this happy. This is truly paradise.
Kane: It sure is. Awww yeah, I'd say nothing could ever ruin this, this is absolute and complete bliss. You know, this is one of those times that I'm absolutely 100 million percent sure that absolutely nothing will go wrong. I can safely say we definitely, definitely won't regret doing this..
AJ sits up suddenly, holding a pregnancy-test stick in her hand.
AJ: I'm pregnant.
Bryan and Kane both sit up sharply, either side of AJ, looking horrified. They both slap their cheeks Macauly Culkin style.
Bryan and Kane in unison: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The studio audience are in uproarious laughter as we head to commercial.
Act Two, Scene Six. Donald Trump is conducting a press conference, with lots of media members in attendance.
Trump: Yes, it's true, I have to withdraw from the Monday Night Raw the Sitcom General Manager election because of sexual misdemeanors. The rumours are true--I was caught masturbating in a public theatre. During Magic Mike. To my wife Melania, I do not apologise, because you're a whore who only married me for the money. Good has come out of this...I have found my new life partner and soulmate. Fellow movie-house masturbator and friend of the WWE...Pee Wee Herman!
Pee Wee Harm cycles in on a miniature tricycle before jumping up and passionately kissing Trump. The studio audience love it.
Scene Seven, John Lauaranitis stands on the edge of a cliff, directly addressing the camera.
Lauranitis: Remember, a vote for Lauranitis is a vote for hot babes, or no babes, I can't remember which one I said last week. A vote for Lauaranitis is...
Suddenly, from out of frame, Vince Russo appears, and pushes Lauaranitis off the cliff! As he makes the massive 3,000ft drop, Lauranitis can be heard screaming "ahhhhhh this was a very poorly thought out location for a campaign promo ahhhhhhhh". The camera zooms in on Russo's smug, smiling face.
Russo: (menacingly) Yes, yes, now I can run unopposed to become General Manager of Monday Night Raw the Sitcom...ha...haha...hahahaha...muwhahahahahaha
Russo continues laughing maniacally as the camera zooms out.
Scene Eight, in a laboratory, Dr. Brock Lesnar is pouring test tubes into numerous other test tubes and recording the results on pieces of paper, only he clearly isn't really writing anything.
Brock: My God, I can't believe it was him...I can't believe this person killed J.R...these results are completely conclusive and the murderer can now be brought to justice. THE MURDERER IS...
At this stage, Dr. Brock suddenly chokes, and collapses to the floor. We hear more manical laughing, and see a shadown once again, but we don't see who it is.
Scene Nine, Vince is speeding along the motorway, when a red light from a car behind him flashes, and a voice from a megaphone orders him to pull over.
Vince: Jimmy Hart? Wait, no, it's the cops! SONS OF BITCHES. I'M VINCE MCMAHON. What did I do?
Vince pulls over and rolls down his window as a police officer (wearing large aviator sunglasses) leans his head in the window.
Policeman: Sir, you were going 120 in a 60 zone, your breath reeks of whiskey, and you're wearing nothing but stained underpants. Incredibly stained underpants.
Vince begins to flirt with the policeman, playing with his tie.
Vince: Well, maybe we can come to some sort of arrangement...
The policeman removes his sunglasses to reveal that it is former WWE superstar turned policeman, Rico. Both Vince and Rico scream as Vince quickly speeds away.
Scene Ten, in the lockeroom. The Miz is handing invites for "The Biggest House Party of the Summer" to Ted diBiase, Camacho, Mason Ryan and Zack Ryder. Kofi Kingston tries to non-schalantly take an invite.
Miz: Hey, wait a minute! I said you weren't invited, Kofi!
Kofi: Aw come on man, I'll bring chips 'n' dip.
Miz: No. I hate when people say "chips 'n' dip". Just say "and". Are you so lazy that you can't say "and"?
Miz barges Kofi's shoulder as he leaves the lockeroom.
Kofi: Oh, I'll get to that party. You'll see, you'll all see...I have the perfect plan...
Act Three, Scene Eleven. Nazi Cena and the Neo Nazi's are are about to enter a children's playground.
Neo Nazi #1: Are you sure about this, Führer Cena?
Cena: Yes, yes, of course! The children are my main demographic. Once we turn them into Nazi's, there will be no stopping our plot for world domination...
Nazi Cena and the Neo Nazi's enter the playground. The hundreds of children inside go nuts to see their hero, John Cena.
Cena: PLAYTIME IS OVER, CHILDREN. (In a demented tone) We have business to conduct...
The camera zooms in on Nazi Cena's demented face as we fade to black. When we fade back in, the children are all wearing Nazi uniforms, lined up in military fashion. Nazi Cena shouts "HEIL!" and does the Nazi salute, and the children copy him. Nazi Cena and the Neo Nazi's share another great laugh as we head to...
Scene Twelve, AJ is sat on the edge of the heart-shaped hotel bed as Bryan and Kane pace back and forth.
Bryan: (like Josh from Drake and Josh) Pregnant...PREGNANT!
Kane: Why did you say it twice?
Bryan: For emphasis...EMPHASIS!
Kane: Well AJ, which one of us is the father?
AJ: Dunno. I'll take a DNA test when we get back to America.
Kane: Okay...when's our return flight?
AJ: Six days.
There is a long, awkward silence.
Kane: Well, this is going to be awkward. I'm gonna go for swim, catch you on the flip side, dudemeisters...NOT!
We hear Kane run down the steps, open his car door, slam it, and speed away.
Bryan: I don't think he's coming back.
Suddenly, Kane's car comes crashing through the hotel room wall.
Kane: Wow, must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque!
The studio audience laugh uproariously and applaud for several minutes.
Scene Thirteen, Vince Russo is in the generic sitcom living room (formerly the wrestling ring).
Russo: (on the phone) Come on Vince, I don't have all day, get down here and announce me as the new General Manager of Monday Night Raw the Sitcom.
Vince, in his now trademark stained underwear, bursts through the entrance door.
Vince: Russo, you old son a bitch. Since you have no opposition, I have no choice but to declare you as the new General Manager of Monday Night Raw the Sitco...
Just before Vince can finish his sentence, there is a knock on the door.
Russo: That knock doesn't stop the fact that I'm the new General Manager, right?
Vince: Of course it does, I left out the "m" of "sitcom", thus not finishing my sentence. The "m" is the most important letter of the entire sentence, and as such, until I answer the door and determine whether the person behind it has an valid reason to interrupt your induction ceremony, you are not yet General Manager.
Vince begins to open the door, and standing behind it is...
Back from commercial, Vince repeats his last paragraph all over again, before slowly opening the door to reveal...
Back from commercial, Vince just opens the door this time. Standing behind it is...Shane McMahon! The studio audience cheer loudly at Shane's arrival.
Vince: Who the hell are you, you son of a bitch?
Shane: It's me, your son.
Shane: No, we dropped that angle pretty quickly. It's Shane. And I'm here to get you back on the right track, dad. NO...MORE...BOOOOZZEEEEEEEEEE!!!
To make his point, Shane takes a bottle of whiskey out of his pocket and smashes it on the ground. Vince seems to wake up at this.
Vince: You son of a bitch, you're right! I need to get my act together. Shane..."McMahon", is it? You'll go head-to-head in an election to become new General Manager of Monday Night Raw the Sitcom, with Russo...and the winner will be revealed...AT SUMMERSLAM!!!
Shane: Yeah! That's my dad!
The studio audience cheer again, but Vince is still confused.
Vince: Who are you again? Ah, who cares. I need to clean up my act. Next week...I evaluate my own job, live on Monday Night Raw the Sitcom. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some serious cleaning up to do...IT'S MY WAY 'TIL PAYDAY.
The crowd goes nuts for Vince as he exits through the door.
THE BIGGEST ELECTION OF THE SUMMER
Scene Fourteen, Zack Ryder enters the (now empty) generic sitcom living room. Michael Cole bursts in the door immediately afterwards.
Cole: I HATE YOU. YOU'RE A USELESS JOBBER WHO WILL BE BURIED. YOU'RE A GOOF. YOU'RE GOOFY. OH NO. NOT THIS IDIOT. WHAT A MORON. THESE FANS ARE MORONS. TWITTER. TWITTER. #FUCKYOUZACKRYDER? Trending WORLDWIDE. WOO WOO WOO...I hate you.
Scene Fifteen, outside the White House. Hundreds of thousands of children wearing Nazi uniforms (with John Cena armbands), are lined up in military fashion, doing the Nazi Salute. Nazi Cena stands atop a balcoy, speaking to his followers, with the Neo Nazi's behind him. The children chant "NAZI CENA, CENA HEIL! NAZI CENA, CENA HEIL!"
Cena: PLAYTIME IS OVER. Mein children, world domination is almost ours. We just have one last thing to do...take the WWE Championship from CM Punk...at Summerslam.
The NaziCena children continue to chant "NAZI CENA, CENA HEIL!" as Nazi Cena and the Neo-Nazi's share a great laugh, as we fade to black...
Cold ending, fade in from black: CM Punk is sat on his couch, at home, with the WWE Championship.
Interesting.... I love the Lesnar angle. I can see Punk being the Superintendent Chalmers or Lisa Simpson of the show. The only normal person in all the chaos, the voice of reason if you will. Should be hilarious.
By the way am I the only who imagines Laurenitis falling and screaming in his regular monotone voice?
I enjoyed reading the two shows a lot, I'm a big fan of doing wacky out there things with pro wrestling so this was right up my alley. The Bryan/AJ/Kane scenes have been really funny so far and I especially liked the last one with Kane driving though the wall, the Albuquerque line was pretty hilarious.
The Nazi Cena gimmick has tons of potential. There's so many funny things you could do with it so I look forward to seeing how he tries to take the title from Punk. I'm hoping if there is a match that Russo adds some awesome stipulations to it. Would certainly help him get the crowd on side for his election campaign haha.
I'm not very keen on Cole's character so far. I see what you're trying to do with it but I think it just takes away from the flow of the show instead of complimenting it. Cody and Brock's characters were very funny though and I'm hoping you've got more great ideas to implement for wrestlers in the next episodes. Might I suggest a wrestler who's completely obsessed with having technical wrestling matches despite being in this wacky world?