Re: AMRocky25 Presents: WWE - The Future
I apologise for not reviewing earlier.
Melvisboy's ECW Feedback
First off, I find it mighty peculiar that ECW is based around the colour green, when essentially, it's known as the Purple Brand. Odd colour choice tbh.
The video package was far too long for my taste. We didn't need that much, we just needed you to tell us the gist of what happened last week, not their individual lines of speech, tbh. Feel free to do it however you like, man, but to me it felt like a chore to read it all.
Burchill was dead on in your opener here. He was really excellent. Not much more to say on that, tbh. It was very good. The amount of commentary you put in annoys me. Imo, it's fine to have a couple of lines as they say their opinions or clear a complicated situation up for the viewer, but the amount you had was frustrating. I wouldn't be tuning in to listen to the commentators have a full-blown conversation, and while they undoubtedly would do that, in BTB you have the opportunity to cut them down to size a bit, and I wish you would, because, frankly, I really don't care about what they have to say. I'm interested in the show, the promos and the matches, not the commentary. Christian, Bourne and Kozlov were all spot on, imo. Nice job with the characterisation in this promo - you made each character sound different, and you could really distinguish between them, as well as the fact that they sounded just like their real life counterparts. The promo itself didn't particularly excite me, though the action after it did, with Christian and Bourne working together and whatnot. Christian's Killswitch didn't exactly make me say 'OH MY GOD' but I did see what you were doing. I think 'DELIVERS THE KILLSWITCH!!!' would have more impact to the reader than 'delivers the Killswitch.' It was just really anti-climatic. I also thought Christian just throwing Bourne from the ring would've worked better, I think. Otherwise it makes Christian a bit heelish. Throwing him from the ring is a bit more tame, a bit more like a face thing to do.
Ok, Jackson and Henry as a team? I like it, very similar styles, they work well, especially with Atlas. I wouldn't have wanted them to be in the Cyber Sunday voting ahead of the Hart Dynasty, so good thinking behind the result. But man, I need to say something about your match writing. It's really dull. Like, really dull. As in, I nearly fell asleep. It needs livening up. It's just line after line after line of moves... there's no emotion in your writing, and it really is just 'Jackson did this. Henry did this.' It's possibly the dullest and most boring match writing I've ever seen. You need to be told. Also, split your matches into paragraphs, no-one wants to read one giant chunk of text, it becomes a chore.
Should've given a name to the 'reporter'. Not hard, just have Savannah or some other Diva to it. It's not hard. I don't think Christian actually needed to talk any more, tbh. He'd already spoken before, with the 'politics' bit, I don't think anything else needed saying. I would've skipped this, it didn't advance anybody anywhere.
Swagger/Bourne was quite good here. Nothing huge, but certainly it gave a basis as to why these two are about to fight again in their match.
The commentary just floods your show. It's barely actual action, it's just: 'ECW: check out our commentary! ...and our matches and stuff, I suppose...'
The match writing thing applies again here. It makes me want to tear my hair out. You need to understand how boring it is to read your matches. I'm sorry, but it HAS to be said, because if don't tell you, you will not improve. You use no punctuation except for ... with your pinfalls, and full stops. Mix it up. Use exclamation marks, use ellipsis... for other bits of the match, use hyphens - to keep the action flowing. As I say, split your text up into smaller chunks, and try and use nicknames i.e The All-American American for Swagger, instead of his surname. It just needs a makeover, because at the moment, it's like some sort of tacky, turn-based online wrestling game, instead of a creative writing show. Think about that.
Ok, a countout victory keeps the feud hot to keep going by keeping both men looking strong, that's fine. The match writing issue happened again, obviously, and in the action afterwards, the commentary wasn't needed. I don't want their opinion on it so much in BTB, I just wanna read the action, that's what I came to look at the show for! And is the exclamation mark key on your keyboard broken? Because in a passage of action which should have had the crowd going crazy, you didn't put one. Not one. Oh wait, yes you did... in the commentary. There's a surprise. A good end to ECW, nice to see Bourne on top for once to end the show.
Overall, a hit and miss show. The speech from your characters is very good, but your match writing is really quite an eyesore. It's just one big paragraph, and just line after line of moves, which, as a reader, sucks. I really hope that this gets sorted out, because it really frustrated me. Same with commentary. Way too much of it for me. I was looking for action, all I got was commentary. It was at a ridiculous level. You need to tone it down. Way down. A few good parts to the show, and from a booking perspective, you've got it down, with some good feuds on the cards, but some of the technical things, how you got your show across to the reader, needs work. Serious work. Keep at it, man.