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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 03-01-2014, 05:45 AM Thread Starter
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Sex, Drugs & Rock 'n' Wrestling

Wanting to fill the new WWE Network with as much content as possible, and determined to maintain and grow their adult audience, Vince has a massive idea: a WWE soap opera, exclusively on the Network, is a 'Universe' parallel to the regular 'WWE Universe'.

The roster is the same, but this is not WWE Monday Night Raw…

this is RAW. This is not about title belts and wrestling holds, this is DRAMA. If you like lengthy matches, this is not the BTB for you. I'll be keeping match descriptions and importance to an absolute minimum- I'll be focusing on stories.

The following message precedes each episode:

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 03-01-2014, 07:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex, Drugs & Rock 'n' Wrestling


Season One, Episode One

"In the Beginning…"

The show opens with Roman Reigns entering a dark room, with a lone light shining down on a table. Reigns lays down a bag filled with white powder, before pouring it over the table. Roman then carefully chops up the powder, which at this point is clearly cocaine. Reigns takes a rolled up $100 bill out of his pocket, and proceeds to snort two lines of coke. Roman Reigns then stares straight into the camera and says “Welcome…to Raw”.


AJ Lee defended her Divas Championship against some other Diva in singles action. For the finish, AJ hit a running knee in the corner followed by a bulldog and GTS on generic diva #4. After the match, AJ got on the mic and dedicated the performance to her ‘beautiful boyfriend’, whom she was now going to get on a plane and go see.


Christian is taking on Sheamus in a run-of-the-mill wrestling match. During this, the lights go out, and when they come back on, only Christian remains in the ring from the match- now surrounded by the members of the Wyatt Family! The three men beat down and demolish Christian, before Bray takes a seat in his rocking chair. Wyatt says that “We aren’t finished yet, boys. We’ve sent this message too many times, it’s time for a more powerful message”.
Back from commercial, the Wyatt Family have Christian tied (with rope) to a chair in their creepy New Orleans house of residence, the former house of Marie Laveau. Wyatt reads Christian the poem ‘If I Should Die’ by Emily Dickinson, before taking a knife out of his pocket. Wyatt looks at Harper and Rowan, who are both smiling and nodding- before forcefully and fatally slitting Christian’s throat, the Canadian dying instantly. Bray Wyatt smiles and utters his catchphrase ‘Follow the Buzzards’, before the screen cuts to black.


Dean Ambrose is taking on Big E in singles action. The match goes back and forth, with the finishing drawing near as Big E sets up Dean for the Big Ending. Ambrose manages to wriggle free, and rolls out of the ring. Ambrose grabs the mic, and tells Big E he can suck Ambrose’s cock, because he is done for the night. Ambrose gets himself counted up walking up the aisle, at which point a 75-year-old grandma begins cat-calling Ambrose from over the barricade, calling him a little faggot pussy boy. Ambrose snaps, drags the grandma over the barricade, and shatters her jaw with a devastating right hook, before continuing the onslaught. Security has to drag Ambrose off, with Big E whispering in a cold, furious voice: “…that was MY grandma”.


Los Matadores are preparing for match backstage, when a net appears over their little bull. It is revealed that Jack Swagger is pulling the net, yelling to Zeb “I caught one!”. Fernando and Diego try to free their little bull, but out of nowhere Zeb Coulter appears with two chloroform-soaked rags, and knocks both men unconscious. Swagger puts all three men into large nets, with he and Zeb dragging them away.


Daniel Bryan is making his way to the ring, as usual receiving the biggest pop of the night. However, just as Daniel Bryan is about to enter the ring, a light shines down on him from the sky. Bryan looks perplexed, but the perplexity turns to complete shock when Bryan BEGINS FLOATING SLOWLY INTO THE LIGHT. Bryan disappears into the sky, with complete uncertainty as to where he has gone. The crowd look at each other…did we just see an alien abduction live on RAW?


Cut to the back of a pick-up truck, where Los Matadores are being kept in a cage, Jack Swagger driving, with Zeb Coulter in the passengers seat. Low-volume country rock music plays on the car radio.

Fernando: But we are from Spain, not Mexico!

Swagger: Shut the fuck up, you stupid Mexican cunts. Back to gringo land, I’m sure you’ll be able to get us some cheap coke in exchange for this free ride.

Zeb: Funny you should mention that, Jacky boy.

Zeb Coulter takes out a bag of cocaine and lays it on the dashboard, with Swagger cheering and looking delighted.

Zeb: Just wait until we get over the boarder, then we’ll snort this baby like Whitney Houston.

Swagger: Fuck that, I ain’t waiting, give me some now.

Swagger and Zeb tussle over the bag, with the larger Swagger over-powering his manager. Swagger, whilst driving, snorts a line of coke off the dashboard, the hit effecting him immediately as he cheers and becomes wide-eyed.

Zeb: You stupid son of a bitch, knowing this country if we get pulled over with two dirty immigrants in the back we’ll be the ones who go to j…WATCH OUT!

At this point, Swagger loses control of the vehicle because of a dear appearing on the road, and swerves into a tree. We cut to after the crash, with all four bodies covered in blood…before zooming in on somebody’s eye suddenly opening. Who has survived…and who was killed?


AJ Lee enters an apartment, through the window of which we can see the Chicago skyline. AJ drops her Hello Kitty schoolbag and WWE Divas Championship to the floor. AJ walks through the apartment, walking towards the bedroom door.

AJ: Honey, I’m home! Fucking shit-heads still won’t put me on Total Divas, that pay cheque could really cover our trip to Acapulco this sum…

AJ opens the bedroom door, and walks in to find CM Punk in bed with another woman. Close-up on AJ’s look of shock and anger…but just whom is CM Punk having the affair with?!


The Main Event of the night sees John Cena taking on Randy Orton in their 345th encounter, with JBL and Cole hyping this as the first ever meeting of the two. As the match progresses, Randy Orton is taking control, and appears to be slipping into that zone…however, this time he slips further in than ever before. As he teases the RKO, Orton’s skin turns an incredibly pale colour, with blood pouring out of his eyes. Orton’s head does a 360-degree turn on his shoulders, and he begins blabbering an unknown language in a demonic voice different from his own. Instead of hitting the RKO, Orton vomits a green slime all over Cena…then hits an RKO that almost touches the ceiling, and causes the ring to break upon impact. Orton simply walks off without hitting a cover, seemingly POSSESSED BY A DEMON!


Vince McMahon himself makes his way down to the ring. The Chairman of the Board announces that after 35 years at the helm, he is stepping down as active Chairman of the WWE, and will be taking a boardroom job as a boardroom director and ambassador for the company. Vince talks about his love for the WWE universe, the amount of women he has banged over the years, all the drugs he has taken, and brags proudly of fucking more than 200 different WWE Superstars over the years in return for a push…most of which they never received. Vince then reveals a shocking twist…he is NOT going to be replaced by Triple H and Stephanie and the new Chairman of WWE, instead we will have AN ELECTION voted on by the fans to crown the new PRESIDENT of the company. Vince thanks the fans for his time, and as he makes his way up the aisle, soaking up the ‘Thank You Vince!’ chants, we see a sniper aim suddenly appear over Vince’s chest-at which point, a bullet enters Vince’s chest capacity, and explodes his heart into smithereens.
Triple H comes racing out to check on his ‘pops’, with Vince whispering his final words into HHH’s ear: “Just…don’t…let them push Daniel Bryan”. At this point, Vince breathes his last breath and passes into the afterlife. HHH, on his knees (not for the first time around Vince) holds Vince in his arms, looks up to the sky, and screams NOOOOOOOO!

To Be Continued
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 03-15-2014, 09:12 PM
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Re: Sex, Drugs & Rock 'n' Wrestling

Man, I don't know if you did this as a joke ...

Or if you think this would actually be awesome ...

Or both...

But ....

Fucking A!!!

This was great. A fun read.

This is better than RAW right? Like ten times better.

And People make threads here along the lines of ... "Can you do a better job than the WWE writing staff?"

I honestly don't think those guys are working as hard as they could. So maybe one of us regular folk can't function in the highly stressful, competitive, and political world of Pro wRestling.

But I think you've proved here that you can surely at the very least come up with better ideas in a vacuum.

They'd be lucky to have you. Even if they wouldn't know it.

I will say this ... some of this stuff needs to be squeezed into the pro wrestling mold better. LIke, a lot of the location stuff could be done in the arena, or would have to be explained ... like why AJ has a camera following her around.

I don't think murder will ever work. But something more permanent than a Wyatt family beat down is a good idea.

The cliff hanger with the car thing was interesting, if a bit hard to make work in a pro wrestling sense. But cliff hangers in general ... the WWE doesn't do them and that's a shame.

But for all intents and Purposes, this is pretty good. I enjoyed it and hope you're doing more.

"Just don't let them push Daniel Bryan..." Haha.

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Last edited by RoosterSmith; 03-15-2014 at 09:14 PM.
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