A man went to Specsavers, the optician told him, "You'll have to stop masturbating", he asked, "Why, will I go blind?" the optician replied, "No, you're upsetting everybody in the waiting room".
Irishman in court for maintenance, the Judge told him "We've decided to allow your wife €70 a week", the man replied "Thanks very much and i'll try and send her a few shilling meself".