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Old 09-07-2012, 04:46 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The Joke Thread

It's just like Rate the song above thread. Only with jokes.


I'll start:
*This guy, Tom, was in debt to a bartender. So he went to him:
"Hey man, is there anything I can do so I don't owe you anymore?"
The bartender thinks.
"Ok, here is what you do:
1.You drink 20 beers, WITHOUT PASSING OUT

2.You fight the rabid dog outside

3.You f**k my 98 year old Mother"

Tom thinks a little.
"Ok, I'll do it"
He starts with the beers. One by one, he drinks em all, without passing out.
"Ok, good, Tom, now the dog."
Tom goes outside.
Vicious screams and howls are heard, but then, Tom returns.
"Ok, I'm done, now where's this old lady I have to fight?"*

Last edited by SheamusO'Shaunessy : 09-07-2012 at 05:07 AM.
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Old 09-07-2012, 05:34 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Joke Thread


Last edited by nevereveragainu : 08-31-2013 at 05:15 PM.
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Old 09-07-2012, 11:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Joke Thread

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest tits.
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Old 09-07-2012, 12:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Joke Thread

9/10

A a couple (old man, young woman) go to a doctor.
"Doctor, my husband doesn't satisfy me any more."
The doctor thinks a bit:
"Ok, this is what you will do: Next time you have sex, get a young, handsome man, strip him of his clothes, and have him wave a towel at you while you are doing it."

The couple do that, but to no avail.
"Doctor, it didn't work, my husband still didn't satisfy me"
"Ok, this is what you do. Have your husband wave the towel, and let the young man have sex with you"

The couple do that, and the woman was completely satisfied.
After the job was done, the husband says to the young man:
"See? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
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Old 09-07-2012, 12:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Joke Thread

I surveyed 100 women about what shampoo they prefered in the shower


the most common answer I recieved was... HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?!
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Old 09-07-2012, 02:06 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Joke Thread

Two men having drinks at a penthouse bar, it is them and the bartender. First guy gets up and walks to a window "man it is a looong way down,2@nd guy looks out and agrees.
First guy says "$100 that I can climb out step off the ledge and float there cuz it is so windy" 2d guy looks at the bartender who just shrugs his shoulders 2nd guy looks abcks and says "I'll take that bet"
1st guy opens the window, the wind comes blasting through and he proceeds to climb up and out, steps off and does float there.
2nd guy in amazment says "double or nothing I can do it too!" he slaps down another $100 and climbs out ond off the ledge and falls to his death.
1st guy puts the money in his pocket and orders another drink
Bartender says "Man Superman, you're an asshole when you drink"
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Old 09-07-2012, 02:49 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Joke Thread

Someone stole my newspaper this morning, so I quickly sneaked next door and took my neighbours.

Now I've calmed down, kidnap may have been excessive.
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Old 09-07-2012, 02:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I was in a pub on saturday night
I had a few to drink
I noticed two large women by the bar
They both had strong accents so I asked - "Are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them replied - "It's Wales you Friken Idiot!"
So I immediately apologized and said...
"Sorry are you two Wales from Scotland?"
That was the last I remember...
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Old 09-07-2012, 08:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Joke Thread

What does an angry Mexican do?

He gets jalapeño face.
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Old 09-07-2012, 11:13 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Joke Thread

I'll always tell this to my friends.

There's a nun coming down the street and a drunk guy spots her. He runs to her and lands a punch to her face, and another and keeps hitting the poor nun until she's down on the floor. So he looks at her and says:

"I expected more from you,Batman!"
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