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post #1 of 186 (permalink) Old 04-15-2015, 10:25 PM Thread Starter
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Just thought I'd make a thread to discuss mental health issues, such as depression. Anyone wanna tell their story? Just thought it'd help people to know they're not alone.

I'll tell my side of 'my story'.

I'm a suicidal clinically depressed boring hermit. Alongside that, I have no friends or social life whatsoever at all. As you can probably tell, my life is pretty boring. I am a boring person, though. Overall, I wouldn't exactly know where to pinpoint where my problems began. I'd probably say high school. Since I was very fat at the time, and quite 'different', extremely quiet, and anxious - I was bullied a lot. I was beaten up everyday, verbally abused, thrown into lockets, locked in storage rooms and such - you name it. I guess that's when my social anxiety disorder began too. I'm currently on antidepressants, but they just make me feel like even more of a zombie. My doctor doesn't want to give me an extra dosage or a lesser dosage incase it sends me over the edge, and I attempt suicide again (which I won't get into). I can't really remember the last time I didn't cry myself to sleep at night. I'm pathetic, I know. Self harm is also a problem for me, but again - I won't get into that. Alongside this, I also live in a rough town. As someone who dresses a little differently, loves rock music, hates the 'norm' here, you can basically tell I don't really fit in. I'm such a failure.

It's very hard to believe I have a future, considering I failed high school (I didn't even turn up for some exams - I just wanted to leave and not suffer any more abuse from the people there). I'm ever so close to just attempting suicide again. It just seems that music is all I have. I have no one at all. I'm more than lonely.

Sorry if I droned on. There's more that could be further explained, but I tried to keep this short.

Anyone want to tell 'their side'? Thanks if you actually got through all of this.
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post #2 of 186 (permalink) Old 04-15-2015, 10:43 PM
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Re: Depression

Thanks for sharing, OP. I know it can be difficult and it might seem strange to do with on a WF, but sometimes you just gotta let your feelings out.

I'm not nearly depressed as I used to be, but I'm a very negative self talker. I doubt myself too much and I attempt to hide my insecurities through hostility, snarkiness, and arrogance. I'm very intense with things, too, and get easily riled up and angry. I guess it all comes back to just not feeling good enough. And sometimes I feel like I'm really not good enough. Y'know?

I don't think I'll ever be good enough for other people to really love me, so it just makes me sad and frustrated to the point of being angry or depressed.

I don't bother with meds or therapy. Not that I think they're bad, just don't think I'm worth the effort. I commend you for seeking out professional help.

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post #3 of 186 (permalink) Old 04-15-2015, 11:02 PM
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Re: Depression

It's funny because despite how different our lives have been, I also find music to be one of the best, most therapeutic, things in my life.

I was never really an outcast, and was actually very popular in high school and college, but I too suffer from depression, anxiety, and obsessive thoughts (pure-o OCD as some people call it). All since I can remember. I feel like it's gotta be genetic because my mom and sister are the same way... My dad to a lesser extent, but still has anxiety.

Meds take the edge off, but the only medication that takes it away completely is Xanax, and I'm not trying to take that very often/get addicted. Alcohol takes it all away too, but then the following day I have an AWFUL anxiety hangover (apparently a hangover will exacerbate anxiety) and lots of guilt... It's a vicious cycle.

Stay strong, don't worry about where you are in life, just do the things you enjoy. Listen to music, watch wrestling, whatever helps. I can tell you, as someone who will be 29 in a couple of days, that what people think about you truly stops mattering every passing year. I no longer care about what people think of me (as long as they don't think I'm a jerk, a bad person, etc). Just be a good person, do things you enjoy, don't give up on the meds, don't worry how you're perceived, and don't give up on yourself. It sounds VERY cliche, but that train of thought has helped me.

Edit: see another doctor, or two. Being suicidal is no joke, and there's no reason to be as miserable as you are. I've been through a few doctors myself. They aren't all created equal, and yours might just be no good. If you aren't feeling better, see someone else.

Last edited by The_It_Factor; 04-15-2015 at 11:06 PM.
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post #4 of 186 (permalink) Old 04-15-2015, 11:32 PM
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Re: Depression

The best people are those who don't mind being different. Those kids that were picking on you are the real losers. Being mean to people doesn't get anybody anywhere. I know you are done in high school and stuff but my idea is to get involved in the community. You may see yourself as somebody that nobody could like, but I can guarantee there are people out there like you who would love to discuss things like wrestling and music.

Look for some activities in your area that are welcoming to newcomers. I don't know if you are into video games or card games, but those are some of the most welcoming communities because the people come from all different backgrounds. Maybe go to some indy wrestling shows. Surround yourself with kind people like yourself(you seem kind ) and do some fun shit on your way!

Have fun, my friend. Life is a beautiful thing that may have its down periods, but can be what you make it. Don't let anybody tell you you can't do something, because opportunities are endless. Hope you keep embarking on this journey and enjoy the time you have left.
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post #5 of 186 (permalink) Old 04-16-2015, 12:06 AM
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Re: Depression

Plenty of porn on the Internet babe so no reason to be upset.

Now get to stroking that German helmet lad.
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post #6 of 186 (permalink) Old 04-16-2015, 12:51 AM
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Re: Depression

Hang tight and remember that only you can decide to pull yourself out of it.

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post #7 of 186 (permalink) Old 04-16-2015, 01:20 AM
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Re: Depression

I don't talk about it and id rather not go into the reasons why, but I've been seeking help for my suicidal depression. I had a really bad attack a couple of weeks ago. Killing myself is on my brain probably 1/3 of every day. Talking to hotlines and emailing a volunteer from the Samaritans is what helps me go day to day. I'm afraid to go to the doctor or therapist about it out of fear of looking like an idiot. I'm just afraid sometimes for my life and that i may do something spontaneous that i will regret. I mean, it's not normal to think about killing yourself for multiple hours of the day, right? Sometimes the urge is unbearable. I've only confided in a close work friend and they suggest I seek a therapist to talk to.

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post #8 of 186 (permalink) Old 04-16-2015, 01:34 AM
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Re: Depression

Dear Brandie, on me personally it was the opposite. It was okay to talk with therapists but I never ever dared to call someone on hotline.

Just few tiny details about me:
Bullied since Kindergarten until fifth class, gained weight because I didn't had someone home.
My mother loved me but for the surviving, she needed to work.
My father was a stupid drunk alcoholic money destroying plant.
Changed school at class six and I couldn't never trust anyone anymore, couldn't invite people, because I didn't want to blame myself thanks to my father so I had only schoolfriends.
With 14, arthritis.
With 18, lost my potential A grade, driver license and got a new illness, Morbus Bechterew and major depression with suicidal tendencies (began slowly at 14, because I was alone, nobody cared about my health status, nobody visited me).
Reached it's pike 2009 and slowly lowered and reduced until everything was fine like today.
Began with sports 2011 and lost over 30 kilos.
Summer 2014 arthritis came back and had to take cortisol -> gained 30 kilos.
I don't have a training for a job and still searching since August 2012.
Lost 1/3 of my left lung Autumn 2013 because of pleuritis.
Still I got betrayed, lied, nobody cared so what? I know I am a better person than they were.
And I am still fighting and I don't need since Sept. 2014 any antidepressants, so I guess I won at least for now, even with some setbacks.

PS: I listen absolutely different music than 99% of the people, so I will never find a club where I can feel truly "home", maybe opera houses but you don't want to talk to these folks. :-)
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post #9 of 186 (permalink) Old 04-16-2015, 01:40 AM
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Re: Depression

I've never experienced depression, but we all go thru stuff. The more you learn about people, the more you realize everyone is messed up beyond belief. We're all very different in some way and that's actually normal.

The one thing I've realized is that most of our problems happen when we become overly focused on ourselves. The best way to combat this problem is to begin changing our focus onto others.

Lots of people turn to religion when they feel they have nothing else. That's an option that works for a lot of people and they put the concept of God at the center of their lives instead of themselves. That change in focus can be transformative. But religion isn't for everyone. Another thing that can help is putting others at the center of your life. Start volunteering. There's so many people that need help in this world. It can be amazing when you realize that helping others can bring you purpose and take your mind off of you.

Sounds like music is an escape for you. And you need a mental and emotional escape. However it also doesn't sound like music is fulfilling you to the level you desire to distract yourself from your problems. So you need something else. I'm sure there's lots of people that would benefit from something you can offer. You can make a difference in this world. There's a reason we're all alive. Who knows why for sure, but there's purpose and importance in trying to figure that out.

We all need some help. Ask for it. Talk to people. It would probably be best for you to talk to a therapist. Good to get this stuff out on here if you need to. THere's no need to feel any shame because you are just another normal person struggling with something. And always remember there are lot of people that want to help you. That's their purpose in this world. But you have to tell them you have some struggles before anyone will know you need some help.

Good luck to you. Sounds like it's some hard stuff. But I know you will get to a point where you realize it's not as big a deal as it seems right now. People come out on the other side of problems every day and realize that we make them a bigger deal than they are. That's really the shitty part about mental health issues. People aren't often capable of seeing clearly what others can see. And that's why you need supportive people right now to help you see what you cannot.

And seriously, anyone that spends all day thinking about their problems and isolating themselves is only going to amplify those problems and make them feel bigger. That's why you really need other people to help you find a healthy escape. Good things can and will happen for you. Best of luck.

"If God built me a ladder to heaven, I would climb it and elbow drop the world" - Mick Foley
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post #10 of 186 (permalink) Old 04-16-2015, 01:51 AM
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Re: Depression

I talk with strangers because i can't/don't want to tell my friends. I'm to embarrassed to tell them. It's easier to confide in a stranger that i don't have to see everyday.

Music is an escape for me also. I'm a compulsive pacer. I pace 4-5 hours everyday usually after 12 am but sometimes I can't wait that long and have to before work or even during work :/. I will listen to songs that trigger positive emotions and make me feel good. Usually not radio hits or songs with lyrics. Just simple music with strong beats. Lost by Agnostica has been my escape for the past couple months. I will escape into a fantasy world where I'm not living the life I am now.

Last edited by brandiexoxo; 04-16-2015 at 01:54 AM.
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