I wouldn't say I'm depressed, or have ever been depressed. I will say though that I have had an increasingly pronounced degree of anger, anxiety, and frustration at my lack of dating and, until recently, professional successes. Academic successes were never a problem. I've always been able to make friends, and I'm satisfied with my friendships for the most part. There are a lot of things I enjoy doing, and I am happy often, but...when I think a little while, it's hard for me to not be disappointed in myself. I always think I could have and should have accomplished more than I have. I am seldom if ever satisfied with what I do accomplish for very long, unfortunately. I keep telling myself that once I achieve a handful of goals, that will all change, but...I have my doubts if I will or not. I worry that nothing will ever be enough at times..
I was once a happy go lucky, optimistic kid until 5th grade. Then that all changed that year though, and ever since then I've become increasingly cynical, dark, snarky, irreverent, and something of a real-life troll. I often tell people I try and make a joke of everything and make light of things because if I wasn't laughing, I'd probably be sobbing or screaming. Still, I often do wish I could somehow recapture that old optimistic, happy, carefree demeanor I used to have. I didn't think about the future much or very far ahead back then. It was just the next day. Things were fun, I wasn't worrying about much...ah, good times.
The main source of the rage, anxiety, and frustration is just that I seemingly can't do what people that are objectively considered (by friends, bystanders, etc.) around or below my level, (academically, ethically, aesthetically, whatever) can do, be it get random jobs in the summer (which I could seemingly never do), high-profile internships (finally broke the dry spell a few weeks ago), or romantic relationships with girls. It pissed me off to no end that I could do well in school, that my friends seemingly held a high regard for me as a human being, that I increasingly made positive impressions on random bystanders and people who didn't know me that well...and yet, none of it translated into the romantic or professional successes I wanted. It was a tough blow to my ego.
I'm 22 years old. I've had a solid number of dates (generally, if I want a date, I don't have much trouble getting at least the first one), and come close to successfully starting relationships on a number of occasions. Just one kiss though. I've been interested in maybe a dozen girls since 2005 or so, seriously so in 6, but was probably only in love once. Still, every single one of those has ended in increasingly dramatic, more spectacular, or more infuriating failures that seemingly make no sense. I could make some very entertaining rants (hell, even a movie) about the details of some of those sagas :lol
I would actually say it's worse to even get dates and seemingly come close then it is to not having them at all. I would say it's like climbing a ladder, nearly grabbing the gold, and then getting hurled down. If I am meant to fail, I would prefer to just be told up front. I don't like living under an illusion for any length of time. I don't like thinking I have a chance if I never did. If you don't think I'm worth your time and attention from the start, then say so. Anything less doesn't show much respect for me as a human being. The rejection doesn't even bother me as much as the fact that they're just not straightforward with me.
I've of course had a few other problems with people over the years (who hasn't?) but for the most part, I haven't really been depressed by any of them. The closest I come to that mostly stems from the romantic failures. In other social interactions, if folks have problems with me, they've got enough respect to be straightforward and make no bones regarding the dislike. But the girls I've dated? For many of them, it's as though they don't even think I'm worth the courtesy of being honest with from the start. And that stings. If nothing else, people deserve the truth. There's a basic level of common courtesy everyone should be entitled to at the beginning. You shouldn't have your dignity trampled on.
I think what I've learned through all of this though is that it's a losing game to leave your emotional state or sense of self-worth in someone else's hands. That's giving them too much power. No one should have that much influence on your life. A few of the girls I was into, when I liked them, I'd have given up a kidney for them; but, as events later turned out, I can be pretty certain if they saw me lying facedown in a gutter with running water, they wouldn't even have the courtesy to turn me over so I wouldn't drown to death.
I think part of my problem with depressing thoughts boils down to overthinking though. I honestly believe that a lot of people only treat you in a certain way if they don't ever expect you to amount to much (which I think is terrible and wrong, but I think it's true.) If they do expect you to amount to something? They'll treat you better. But if not? They clearly don't think they'll ever regret it, in my mind, so they don't think twice about treating you like you're dirt under their shoe.
That line of thinking has kept me driven, ambitious, and motivated over the years (academically, professionally, and in side ventures), but I acknowledge that's also a dangerous way to think. I've openly said a number of times that if I failed to surpass the people that had wronged me, that would be my revenge, that would give me some level of peace and closure. If I am unable to though? I think that would retroactively justify the way they treated me in the first place and prove them right. If that happens, then depression-like symptoms might surface. Then I would no longer be able to cling to the one conviction that has held those thoughts off: that I didn't deserve the setbacks or the mistreatment, that it was bad luck, that I did still deserve to eventually have what I wanted, that I would get it if I worked hard enough, continued to do what I judged to be right, treated the people I came across with respect, and did not become a hypocrite by abandoning my ethics, pride, or sense of honor along the way.
That's left a lot of pressure on me, too. Hopefully that changes someday. But as far as dating is concerned, I try not to look to romance as a necessary source of happiness or self-validation anymore. If it happens, it happens, and good; but then, maybe it won't be what I once expected or hoped for it to be. I have often been attracted to happy, upbeat kinds of girls, because it did rub off on me while I was with them, but you shouldn't need someone else's help to think or in a certain way. I think you're setting yourself up for a rude awakening eventually if you do that.
It may sound selfish or hedonistic to think like this, but at the end of the day, I think the best way to avoid or stave off depression is just to think about yourself before anything else. What is it that you like doing? What gives you a sense of purpose and satisfaction? Why does that necessarily need to involve anyone else? Other people can help make your life more enjoyable or meaningful, sure, but you can't look for something you don't have in someone else. They can never give it to you for long. Other people don't last forever; even if you spend a lot of time with someone, the one person you'll spend the most time dealing with is yourself. So you have to make sure there's enough that you like to do, that you find some sense of meaning and fulfillment from, to fill in the parts of your life and thoughts that don't involve other people. You're alone in your heart and mind; no one else is in there with you.
That's why I've come to think that you can't place too great an importance on anyone else for how you're feeling, because even though their influence can be as great as you want it to be, at the end of the day, it's still limited. They can't make up for anything you think you lack, they're not a permanent solution or a panacea for whatever it is you think you're missing, you can't truly get something you don't have from someone...and you become painfully aware of that if and when they're no longer around, when it's just you again.