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Depression

13K views 187 replies 80 participants last post by  SonnenChael 
#1 ·
Just thought I'd make a thread to discuss mental health issues, such as depression. Anyone wanna tell their story? Just thought it'd help people to know they're not alone.

I'll tell my side of 'my story'.

I'm a suicidal clinically depressed boring hermit. Alongside that, I have no friends or social life whatsoever at all. As you can probably tell, my life is pretty boring. I am a boring person, though. Overall, I wouldn't exactly know where to pinpoint where my problems began. I'd probably say high school. Since I was very fat at the time, and quite 'different', extremely quiet, and anxious - I was bullied a lot. I was beaten up everyday, verbally abused, thrown into lockets, locked in storage rooms and such - you name it. I guess that's when my social anxiety disorder began too. I'm currently on antidepressants, but they just make me feel like even more of a zombie. My doctor doesn't want to give me an extra dosage or a lesser dosage incase it sends me over the edge, and I attempt suicide again (which I won't get into). I can't really remember the last time I didn't cry myself to sleep at night. I'm pathetic, I know. Self harm is also a problem for me, but again - I won't get into that. Alongside this, I also live in a rough town. As someone who dresses a little differently, loves rock music, hates the 'norm' here, you can basically tell I don't really fit in. I'm such a failure.

It's very hard to believe I have a future, considering I failed high school (I didn't even turn up for some exams - I just wanted to leave and not suffer any more abuse from the people there). I'm ever so close to just attempting suicide again. It just seems that music is all I have. I have no one at all. I'm more than lonely.

Sorry if I droned on. There's more that could be further explained, but I tried to keep this short.

Anyone want to tell 'their side'? Thanks if you actually got through all of this.
 
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#26 ·
Dear OP. i'm 29 also btw.

Hope you are still checking on this thread. I've been where you are now, it's not a happy place at all. I've suffered from depression but when it comes to mental health, clinicians just want to be able to brand you in order to treat you, bi-polar, schizophrenic, psychotic, whatever, i'm not 100% any of these. I personally don't like this because there are so many shades of grey in the area of mental health.

I don't normally like talking about my life with people i don't know, but as this is anonymous (and folks this is the reason why i like to stay anonymous cause you never know who reads what you write, if they know you in a different capacity and learn more about you than you would ever want them to) i'll share a little, i won't discuss my childhood which had trauma I have trouble dealing with.

I grew up in a really rough area of a rough city, the place where the trash ends up. My mother was/is an alcoholic and a heroin addict, and she 'worked' from home. My father worked on the oil rigs. I've never known any of my family, cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles. I created my own family of friends but even then, even though they were loyal to me I had to learn quickly how to handle myself because even in primary school there was always someone who wanted to fight me after school, people who followed me home from school, threw rocks at me, called me a tink etc. I rarely had clean clothes to wear to school, the only hot meal of the day came from my school. By the time I came to high school the bullying and jeering was just as bad if not worse than it had ever been because people began to realise just what it was my mother did for a 'living'. I had fights with boys, got suspended constantly from school, fought with other girls who accused me of being a skank just like my mum ... just the usual bullshit.

I finally managed to work hard at school after mostly everyone left after fourth year and managed to get into university. I was determined that i was not going to continue the life I had in the place I was, I needed to lift myself out of there through sheer grit and determination, something i had a lot of. There I was happy, i met people who had the same interests but didn't know me. Then I met a man, a man I went and stupidly moved myself in with and it just went down hill from there. I had no self worth so even though I knew he was fucking other girls and bringing them back to the house when I was in, or when I was working my shitty librarian job, I didn't want to leave him. But my sister made me, so I lived with her and went back to uni to get my phd ... then I did it again, multiple times, men who ended up calling me a crazy bitch, someone they couldn't take home to their mum, whatever just men adding to the pile of self loathing i had for myself. This time it was worse and no one could reach me, i was disconnected from everyone and everything. I suffered serious physical sexual and mental abuse at the hands of a man, who I had convinced myself, loved me. The first time I was in hospital I lied about my injuries, the second time I couldn't lie because it was fucking obvious I hadn't run into a door twenty fucking times.

It wasn't a mental health expert who helped me it was social care, I was put on bog standard anti depressants, and seeing as I had put on so much weight in this relationship it was suggested I do some exercise. I joined a gym and it was just the normal stuff.

Then at my gym I met the man I am currently with, I actually didn't know how a man was supposed to treat a woman till I met him, but he knew I had problems and he knew that I had serious self esteem and self confidence issues. He showed me MMA and I got back into watching professional wrestling, and he suggested I take up kick boxing classes for some fucking assertion and I did and it spiralled into all the mixed martial arts I do today (well not today because i've kind of fallen out of it)

OP, i've been abused, i've been neglected, i've been bullied, i've been raped ... but we have the power to overcome everything, the power of belief in yourself and in the belief that the world is not out to get you will get you out of the door. I've been told i'm not good enough, been given no time, been dismissed purely because where I am from, but now I realise when someone closes a door in your face, that door isn't necessarily closed, it just means you have to kick that fucking door down. You failed high school, so what, go to college. You can't read? so what go to an adult literacy class ... just do something, get yourself out there, you matter, we all matter. I will never be ignored again in my life, I will never allow myself to be mistreated and I know I matter and I will never be told again that I do not matter.

long post, sorry but i'm worried about someone who wants to commit suicide because people who have had a hard life, who have been told there is no way out of it will feel like that, but you must fight against it. Think of it this way, they want you to kill yourself, when it comes down to it, because it means they can take you off the stats, they don't have to worry about you, and anyway what do you matter. NO, you do matter, your family loves you, unconditionally, there is always someone who loves you and if you can't find them know that I love every human being until they prove to me they do not deserve to be loved, so I love you.
 
#86 ·
It's really amazing how I can relate and parallel to some of these stories that I'm reading. I've held back a lot from talking about this sort of stuff here because I felt like Wrestling Forum isn't really the best place to be talking about personal stuff. I have people I have talked to about this who I don't know personally but there is only one person I know in real life who knows anything about the type of depression that I am going through or have gone through.

Anyway, I've been battling depression really ever since I went to university about 5 years ago. During that period I made no friends, hated my course and generally speaking hated my time there...well the first semester. I was heavily depressed for about three months, to the point where I lived with it every day. It completely took over my life, I couldn't go a minute without being miserable. It was completely awful.

After I settled down at university, my depression eased off over time, but it was still there on and off. The times in which it came along were still very heavy and soul crushing. When I particularly had it at university, I felt like I wanted to give up on life, wanted the ground to just swallow me whole and to be just left alone and not talked to. I went to see a therapist (the only time I have done) and they called my home address by a mistake and my parents almost found out about me having therapy about my depression. Needless to say, I was upset. My parents started being protective, asking me questions, wrapping me in cotton wool as the old expression goes. It did not help.

My depression eased off the longer I went on at university but was still there because of a long term desire and craving I have (which I'll detail later). But the past year or so the depression has come back long term and has been a battle I've had to fight every day and have done so without medication or therapy. In a lot of ways it's also worse than before.

It's amazing how @RiC David described his bipolar like state of depression being like sun and moon because that's exactly how it's been for me and in some ways different. I tend to have very big mood swings where at times I'd be very happy and confident to the point of being over confident and arrogant sometimes without realizing it and then in the very same day a few hours later I'd be extremely depressed, self loathing and feeling absolutely worthless. It is absolutely the worst feeling I've ever had or been through.

Another big aspect to my depression is the lack of motivation I have to improve my position in life (especially career wise). I'm 24 and graduated with a 2:1 in History yet I'm stuck at a menial job at a supermarket. It's mostly laziness and lack of motivation holding me back which I cannot snap out of. It is scary feeling because I feel like if I'm not careful I will end up being stuck for the rest of my life.

I'm unhappy at my job and want a change, I've had days at work where I've wanted to just quit and stay at home. Where I've been so miserable that I just wanted to walk out and not come back. What stops me is I'm still living at home with my parents and knowing that if I quit that they will kick me out of the house and I'd have nowhere to live.

The biggest reason for my depression long term wise is the same as @Jack Thwagger which is the desire for a relationship and not being any good with women romantically. Simply put, I just lack any confidence with women I like or find attractive. I've fucked up more times than I can count and my latest fuck up even happened today of all days with this girl I've been crushing on that comes into where I work. Which makes me feel horrible. I have no idea or clue when it comes to dating women or being intimate with women I like. I feel like a complete alien away from normal people who seem to get into relationships all the time. The most frustrating part is I have friends....plenty of friends who are women and I can talk to, flirt with and joke around with any woman I don't have an attraction to or at least I don't have feelings for. But as soon as I have one I really like and have feelings for, I completely freeze, have no confidence, feel inadequate and have no idea what to do. It's something I haven't been able to figure out yet and I'm 24. Most people my age have had at least had a couple of relationships and experiences. I haven't had one, never had sex, never kissed a girl sober or anything like that. That above all else makes me feel sad and pathetic.

The thing that's the worst about it though is how envious it makes me feel of people and couples who are happy together and makes me feel like why can't I have the same experience. It's a horrible feeling and one you never want to go through but I just can't help it at all.

These things added up altogether really is why I have such self confidence issues. Why I am prone to anxiety in certain situations and why I am such a self loather. Why at times I tend to tell myself that I'm pathetic, that I don't deserve to be happy or deserve anything I want in life. It's such a backwards illogical way of thinking yet it always tends to creep in at some point.

Yet after all of this, I still haven't gone to see a therapist or get help. Not because I don't want to but because I know how my parents will react and how negative of an effect it would have on my home life. It's just something I can't put myself through because I know it will put me in an even worse state. So for now, I'm having to deal with it by myself.

There is my story.
 
#2 ·
Thanks for sharing, OP. I know it can be difficult and it might seem strange to do with on a WF, but sometimes you just gotta let your feelings out.

I'm not nearly depressed as I used to be, but I'm a very negative self talker. I doubt myself too much and I attempt to hide my insecurities through hostility, snarkiness, and arrogance. I'm very intense with things, too, and get easily riled up and angry. I guess it all comes back to just not feeling good enough. And sometimes I feel like I'm really not good enough. Y'know?

I don't think I'll ever be good enough for other people to really love me, so it just makes me sad and frustrated to the point of being angry or depressed.

I don't bother with meds or therapy. Not that I think they're bad, just don't think I'm worth the effort. I commend you for seeking out professional help.
 
#3 · (Edited)
It's funny because despite how different our lives have been, I also find music to be one of the best, most therapeutic, things in my life.

I was never really an outcast, and was actually very popular in high school and college, but I too suffer from depression, anxiety, and obsessive thoughts (pure-o OCD as some people call it). All since I can remember. I feel like it's gotta be genetic because my mom and sister are the same way... My dad to a lesser extent, but still has anxiety.

Meds take the edge off, but the only medication that takes it away completely is Xanax, and I'm not trying to take that very often/get addicted. Alcohol takes it all away too, but then the following day I have an AWFUL anxiety hangover (apparently a hangover will exacerbate anxiety) and lots of guilt... It's a vicious cycle.

Stay strong, don't worry about where you are in life, just do the things you enjoy. Listen to music, watch wrestling, whatever helps. I can tell you, as someone who will be 29 in a couple of days, that what people think about you truly stops mattering every passing year. I no longer care about what people think of me (as long as they don't think I'm a jerk, a bad person, etc). Just be a good person, do things you enjoy, don't give up on the meds, don't worry how you're perceived, and don't give up on yourself. It sounds VERY cliche, but that train of thought has helped me.


Edit: see another doctor, or two. Being suicidal is no joke, and there's no reason to be as miserable as you are. I've been through a few doctors myself. They aren't all created equal, and yours might just be no good. If you aren't feeling better, see someone else.
 
#7 ·
I don't talk about it and id rather not go into the reasons why, but I've been seeking help for my suicidal depression. I had a really bad attack a couple of weeks ago. Killing myself is on my brain probably 1/3 of every day. Talking to hotlines and emailing a volunteer from the Samaritans is what helps me go day to day. I'm afraid to go to the doctor or therapist about it out of fear of looking like an idiot. I'm just afraid sometimes for my life and that i may do something spontaneous that i will regret. I mean, it's not normal to think about killing yourself for multiple hours of the day, right? Sometimes the urge is unbearable. I've only confided in a close work friend and they suggest I seek a therapist to talk to.
 
#18 ·
You won't look like an idiot for going to a therapist. They deal with things like that on a daily basis and it's actually a very comforting experience because they are the few people (aside from the ones who have experienced these feelings themselves) that know what you're going through isn't something to be taken lightly, nor is it something that you can just "snap out of" like so many other people say.

"Stop worrying", "just have fun", "just don't think about it", etc. are things I hear all the time, but it just doesn't work that way. Therapists are good because they understand this. They don't talk down to you, and if you've got a good one, they're there to comfort, help, and guide you.

It's a very positive experience in most cases. I'd suggest you give it a shot. They aren't all the same, and you may have to try more than one, but if you find a good one, it'll be worth it.
 
#76 ·
ITT: the self-fulfilling defeatist prophecy of Jack "BIG HOSS" Thwagger


My brother was in a similar position. Post-HS education only included some IT certification (no degree). Couldn't find a decent job due to no experience despite trying hard and applying everywhere. Eventually he lowered his standards and took a job cutting grass for the city. This was a SHIT job but it was the best he could do in the market. Meanwhile, he kept applying around. A couple of weeks into the SHIT job he had several decent job offers and took one doing IT work for a hospital. A year later he's been significantly promoted/pay raised and is viewed as indispensable by his employer and he and his girlfriend own their own home. He's going to school part-time to get a degree while working.

Lower your standards and accept the fact that decent employers don't want to hire someone who isn't doing anything with themselves. People don't want to hire unemployed people desperate for work, they want to hire employed people looking to move up in the world.
 
#116 ·
I've been feeling down and depressed since my breakup not to the point of harming myself but where I just feel like shit and thinking that no one would miss me if I just vanished. I'm more of a loner so even if I have plenty of people to talk to I'd rather just be on my own and chill. I say that despite having numerous people I can talk to, I'm being an idiot when I don't talk because it helps a ton. It really does, had some Mexican with my cousin a few hours ago and we talked. Yeah it was tough and I got a lil teary eyed but it helped a lot. I would take any offers of talking even if it's from some random person on the Internet.
 
#117 ·
Well here's my offer :) As a person who suffers from depression and mood swings (way before my break ups) and as a person who also prefers to go things alone as opposed to talking to others, I know how it feels but I know that it's way better to open up and just rant sometimes. Trust me, some people have known me fore years and still not very little about me or my personal life, I'm a hard person to break through but I've met people who are easy to talk to and I opened up to within a few weeks. It doesn't even have to make sense, but sometimes just talking to someone and saying what's on your mind can make you feel 1000x better than keeping it in. So, feel free to talk to me or if you just want to rant or anything.
 
#173 · (Edited)
I can't believe I'm about to write my darkest secret to a forum of complete strangers, when I've remained silent about it for many years.

I was 15 years old, I was enjoying my life at school, I was popular among my peers and in positive regards with my teachers. I was then suddenly diagnosed with an illness that took me out of high-school on short notice. At first I thought it was brilliant that I was suddenly able to focus my time on my recreational activities and less on my formal education, but those feelings wore off once I realized how lonely and isolated I'd become. I then decided to create a Facebook account in an attempt to reconnect with my friends, and for a while we would exchange messages (asking how we've been, what we've done, and where we're going etc.), but it suddenly became apparent that my absence had only affected a very small minority of the friends I thought I had.

As it became closer to Winter, I decided that I wanted to meet with some of my friends before it was too late to rekindle any hope of the friendships I so clearly took for granted. However, they began to ignore my messages and I'd receive blunt and/or uninterested responses. After dealing with this for 2 weeks, I realized that they were no longer interested in myself or my friendship, and began to develop an anxiety of allowing myself to develop any meaningful relationships, which continues to haunt me to this day.

Enter December. The days grew colder, shorter, and my entire being had declined from a combination of many factors including; my illness, fatigue, and a complete lack of motivation to do anything with my life. At this point, I began to question my own existence. I didn't know who I was anymore, I didn't know what I wanted to do, I didn't know where I wanted to go, but what I did know is that I began to feel less every day that passed me by. Although I was gradually succumbing to depression, I'll never forget how I felt on Christmas Eve at 4 in the morning when I looked outside of my window. The sky was black and the lampposts were lit dimly, but all I could see was the snow slowly falling to the ground as it created a secondary light to my neighborhood, with the touch of frost gradually reaching my 15 year old body as I began to sit on my windowsill in awe. I'd never in my life felt this way about something so apparently meaningless, yet it affected me in ways I didn't think were possible; I'd felt compassion for the little ways of nature and I suddenly felt a form of sadness that I'd never experienced before.

Throughout the remainder of the year, the feeling (or loss of feeling) of numbness grew stronger. I was still a child growing up in a world of pain that I didn't think was possible, so I continued to suffer in silence because I didn't want anyone to worry about me in any shape or form. I decided that it was time for a change, so I enrolled myself to study at my local College in an attempt to develop my mind and form new friendships. However, I found myself struggling immensely and I simply couldn't connect with the people I attempted to communicate with. My interests were much too different to create mutual grounds for bonding, and I felt self-loathing as I always imagined the negative opinions they had of me as a result of this. I couldn't cope with it anymore, so I left College and my feelings of; isolation, numbness, and anxieties began to skyrocket with each passing day that went by. It eventually reached a point where all I wanted to do was end my existence, to free myself of the burden in my heart, to rid my family of the failure that I had become, and to this day I still experience these feelings (though I'm able to control and prevent myself from obvious stupidity).

Nothing seemed to change in the following years. I thought it would never change, that I'd never experience the way I once felt, that I had become a distant memory to those who once cared about me, until I met a girl by chance one fateful day at the park. We instantly connected and we began to develop a relationship that I thought existed only in fiction. I planned for weeks on how to ask her on a date, but every time I tried, my anxiety told me not to make a fool of myself, so I wouldn't do it. Then (for no particular reason), I just told myself that it would never happen unless I tried, so I asked her on a date and she surprisingly said yes. Eventually we began a year long relationship which led to feelings of love and joy entering my body once again, until she dropped a bombshell on me that her family was relocating to New Zealand. I'd spent so long developing these feelings for her, and all of a sudden I had to say goodbye. I say my goodbyes and she said hers, then within 3 weeks I found out she was dating someone new. I was utterly heartbroken, but I picked myself up and told myself to treasure the memories with her and support her in her newly found relationship.

It's now the 17th of August 2015, and I'm now achieving goals that I thought I'd never achieve. I'm slowly working towards improving my life for the long-term, but I still experience the numbness, the loneliness, and the anxieties every day. All I can do now is to hope that one day, I'll be able to reflect on my life and say that I survived depression, to regain feeling in my heart once again, and to find the smile that my 15 year old self lost long, long ago.
 
#19 ·
Y'know the funny thing I noticed is I used to get WAY more depressed over my appearance and weight, but since I've been dressing more in ways I want to and started to change my relationship with food (no more depressed food binges, I'll play a video game or write or go for a walk or shopping instead) I've found ways to bounce back from those feelings of being physically inadequate. I mean the feelings are still there, but the fact I'm working on them helps me to accept them and accept I can change them. Idk, but I thought maybe my perspective on depression based on physical appearance might help a little.

Now my major issue is relationships, good lord, which makes me more angry than anything else. How do you guys deal with/have dealt with being upset over being single?
 
#33 ·
Now my major issue is relationships, good lord, which makes me more angry than anything else. How do you guys deal with/have dealt with being upset over being single?

I crave the physical intimacy.

I have friends, but they're in relationships, they have people who are their 'number 1'. I want that.




I thing is, I've been single my entire life. I have never been kissed, never held hands, never been on a date, and it goes without saying I've never had sex. I do fun things alone, I do fun things with friends, but being intimate with someone on a romantic and sexual level is completely different.

And trust me, I have tried to accept the fact no one will love me, but it's something I want regardless and something I can't ever see myself ever 'getting over'.

It's not about what society wants or pressures from family or anything like that, it's about what I want. The problem is I have no one who wants me.
I admire your ability to so openly express this. This is extremely similar to my long term unfulfillment, the main difference being that I went from being a longing romantic preteen/young teen to being in a relationship at age 14 then a year later being back where I started and unable to regain what I had and lost.

As you said, it's not a case of 'just don't dwell on it' or 'see the bright side of being single' - standing in the sweltering heat seems like a dream to someone who's freezing half to death but this doesn't make it any less bearable to someone in that predicament.

I don't have any answers to give because I'm in need of them myself. People who know me like me which would seem to potentiate the possibility of relationships but the maddeningly difficult part is getting to know people who you don't already know through, say, their boyfriend who you're friends with. I hate the 'chat up' scene (don't know the American term for it aside from flirting but chatting someone up means 'pulling' them which in Britain means talking them into bed basically) as I hate the phoniness and posturing, I hate that game. The best connections have always come from text communication, is this the same with you?

I don't know how frequently you let the protective mask slip but honestly what you posted is the direct opposite of what you project much of the time, you came across to me as a 'I don't give a fuck what people think of me and I don't want anybody's approval' type. How often do you let your vulnerabilities show? I find that true impression of you far more relatable and endearing than the version I was familiar with before and I imagine this will be the case for most.

Would you say your self loathing is more physical or of the non physical self? I know they can be hard to separate as most people see themselves as their form rather than viewing it as a shell they possess (in both senses). I was bullied, primarily by my close friends, in secondary school (11-16) about my appearance and it's fucked me up ever since--this is where my vengeful animalistic savage desires came from--and there's quite a dissonance with my non physical self image and my aesthetic self image.

I feel like I've become better looking since my awkward teenage years but even if somebody outright compliments me on that, the brief deliverance is eventually replaced by doubt and then the deep rooted negative beliefs engrained in me by my piece of shit friends whom I'm still friends with today (I've been through a lot with those specific two). It's not just their reinforcement though, I tend to look horrible in most photos even though in the mirror I actually find myself attractive; I just look very different from different angles which means I have great photos too which naturally I use (not including the King av here, that's just a self parody) but then when I get positive attention I find it hard to see it as toward *me* because I've cherry picked the flattering pictures and I'm never sure which version of my face other people are seeing.

The resentment towards the world/happy couples creates a particularly vicious circle because naturally while in bitter, suffering mode we're keeping people away (don't know if you experience this but I'm speaking generally) so if that leaks into your real world interaction/presentation then that would surely be the first thing to eliminate. If you, like me, find it easier to get your true self across in written words then online dating could be effective, my problem with that is not wanting to scare people away with a true representation of a broken and desperate heart but also not wanting to parade a false, bland perfected version of myself that doesn't ring true.

Without a doubt, there are people out there for both of us - people who would slot in our lives like the missing piece of a puzzle, the bastard is how difficult it is to find and get with them. If you could acknowledge this communication then I'd really appreciate that because, as I said in that olive branch PM, I don't like having enemies---especially if I know the potential for mutual respect is there and is being held back by perceptions that are out of synch with the actuality of our personalites.
 
#25 ·
Wow, this is a great thread and it's wonderful to little to no bad advice (i.e. logical advice to minds not functioning on sound logic, like "just don't worry about [thing you would obviously not be worrying about if it were as simple as deciding not to]").

I'm 29 and my on/off depressed spells grew into outright depression from age 20. More often than not they stemmed from desire (or rather the lack of reciprocation) and the envy and frustration that comes with it - being a romantic is great if you have someone to return those feelings, I spent years and years in slow cycles of admiration~infatuation~disappointment~frustration~resentment~bleakness - repeat and repeat with someone new, a little colder, more bitter, and quicker to progress to the unpleasant stages.

Although my issues don't match the description of bipolar disorder, I have a very sun and moon nature in that if I'm not depressed, self loathing, thinking I look hideous, having zero self esteem, and wanting to shut out the world then chances are I'm lighthearted, self loving*, comfortable with my looks (which are as inconsistent as my mental dwelling), confident and full of love for all that's beautiful (not the aesthetic concept). I'm sure it's not uncommon to be night and day when you're suffering/thriving but the same things that chew away at my being are the things I'm quite happy with.

My remedy/escape has primarily been drugs. I began smoking weed at 14 and drinking socially at the same age; I was always the first among my friends to progress to indulging alone, preferring that actually, and both became problems at times. From age 20 to 26 I drank every day unless it was the obligatory off day(s) that frequently didn't even take place. I wasn't a heavy drinker compared to most alcoholics but I drank enough to escape so the quantity is not what defines the problem. It didn't take long for alcohol to cease working and it took even less time for weed to cease doing much at all so naturally I combined the two which created the perfect layer of paint to fill the cracks.

I suddenly stopped drinking and stopped even being able to drink and get any positive effects after an amazing strong LSD experience that dramatically changed me for a few years (the lack of alcohol use is the biggest remaining improvement). That said, I have a mild to moderate codeine (weak opiate) addiction which I recently traded in for a weak to mild kratom addiction (legal plant that has extremely opiate like effects). Drugs are my substitute for love and companionship and if it weren't for the suicidal hell that is bad withdrawal syndromes (doesn't happen often but man it pours - this is what happens when you indulge frequently but not constantly).

Something that doesn't act as a remedy but as a general upkeep is humour. Again, I tend to be either extremely frivolous with a stream of nonchalance flowing through my mind 24 hours or I'm filled with misery and am only angered by comedy.

More productive ways of coping with depressive episodes? Well it's usually any means necessary for me which is a self destructive mentality (but what's to destruct that's worth protecting and who can see some hypothetical light during pitch black darkness?) but for a while I used song writing and poetry until I got fed up of amassing a collection of well written but entirely dismal poems that read like a book without a happy ending. I've also used music, previously listening to music before the depression reached clinical levels (at that stage I can't reflect my mood in music or it'll just accentuate the agony) but these days playing the piano/organ - I play free form by ear and tend to play better the worse I feel, this can provide short term closure though by releasing the pain.

As a last note, this is why I really can't stand people on this forum pissing on those of us (probably themselves included) who struggle with happiness or with having what or who they want in life - that mentality is deadly and so I treat it like a cancer: if anybody is blessed enough to be in sheer contentment then taking shots at those who aren't shouldn't even be a consideration. The stigma over things like not having sex or not having had sex is an absolute plague - the most incredible period of freedom (2011-late 2013) came in large part from realising how much of what I desired was in fact other people's desires and life requirements that were laden upon me. The happiest part of finally losing my virginity was when I immediately realised that the whole thing was grotesquely overrated and that it had been more about ticking a box and becoming immune to the disgusting mockery of those who haven't had sex than it was actually having the experience. When I see people preying on this vulerability by posting things like 'I know what love/sex feels like' in 'Things you'll never hear a wrestling fan say', I want to rip them to pieces.

That's the other thing, I'm a peace loving Buddhist type over encumbered by empathy who also has a devil within him that wants to tear out the throat of his enemies only to revert to the shaking pacifist once that devil leaves. I understand that both are just as much 'me' but the Truth;Beauty;Love 'me' is what my [intangible essence of self] wants to be before external and internal forces pull me into the distressing destructive animal.

Take care, people.
 
#28 · (Edited)
Wow, this is a great thread and it's wonderful to little to no bad advice (i.e. logical advice to minds not functioning on sound logic, like "just don't worry about [thing you would obviously not be worrying about if it were as simple as deciding not to]").

I'm 29 and my on/off depressed spells grew into outright depression from age 20. More often than not they stemmed from desire (or rather the lack of reciprocation) and the envy and frustration that comes with it - being a romantic is great if you have someone to return those feelings, I spent years and years in slow cycles of admiration~infatuation~disappointment~frustration~resentment~bleakness - repeat and repeat with someone new, a little colder, more bitter, and quicker to progress to the unpleasant stages.

Although my issues don't match the description of bipolar disorder, I have a very sun and moon nature in that if I'm not depressed, self loathing, thinking I look hideous, having zero self esteem, and wanting to shut out the world then chances are I'm lighthearted, self loving*, comfortable with my looks (which are as inconsistent as my mental dwelling), confident and full of love for all that's beautiful (not the aesthetic concept). I'm sure it's not uncommon to be night and day when you're suffering/thriving but the same things that chew away at my being are the things I'm quite happy with.

My remedy/escape has primarily been drugs. I began smoking weed at 14 and drinking socially at the same age; I was always the first among my friends to progress to indulging alone, preferring that actually, and both became problems at times. From age 20 to 26 I drank every day unless it was the obligatory off day(s) that frequently didn't even take place. I wasn't a heavy drinker compared to most alcoholics but I drank enough to escape so the quantity is not what defines the problem. It didn't take long for alcohol to cease working and it took even less time for weed to cease doing much at all so naturally I combined the two which created the perfect layer of paint to fill the cracks.

I suddenly stopped drinking and stopped even being able to drink and get any positive effects after an amazing strong LSD experience that dramatically changed me for a few years (the lack of alcohol use is the biggest remaining improvement). That said, I have a mild to moderate codeine (weak opiate) addiction which I recently traded in for a weak to mild kratom addiction (legal plant that has extremely opiate like effects). Drugs are my substitute for love and companionship and if it weren't for the suicidal hell that is bad withdrawal syndromes (doesn't happen often but man it pours - this is what happens when you indulge frequently but not constantly).

Something that doesn't act as a remedy but as a general upkeep is humour. Again, I tend to be either extremely frivolous with a stream of nonchalance flowing through my mind 24 hours or I'm filled with misery and am only angered by comedy.

More productive ways of coping with depressive episodes? Well it's usually any means necessary for me which is a self destructive mentality (but what's to destruct that's worth protecting and who can see some hypothetical light during pitch black darkness?) but for a while I used song writing and poetry until I got fed up of amassing a collection of well written but entirely dismal poems that read like a book without a happy ending. I've also used music, previously listening to music before the depression reached clinical levels (at that stage I can't reflect my mood in music or it'll just accentuate the agony) but these days playing the piano/organ - I play free form by ear and tend to play better the worse I feel, this can provide short term closure though by releasing the pain.

As a last note, this is why I really can't stand people on this forum pissing on those of us (probably themselves included) who struggle with happiness or with having what or who they want in life - that mentality is deadly and so I treat it like a cancer: if anybody is blessed enough to be in sheer contentment then taking shots at those who aren't shouldn't even be a consideration. The stigma over things like not having sex or not having had sex is an absolute plague - the most incredible period of freedom (2011-late 2013) came in large part from realising how much of what I desired was in fact other people's desires and life requirements that were laden upon me. The happiest part of finally losing my virginity was when I immediately realised that the whole thing was grotesquely overrated and that it had been more about ticking a box and becoming immune to the disgusting mockery of those who haven't had sex than it was actually having the experience. When I see people preying on this vulerability by posting things like 'I know what love/sex feels like' in 'Things you'll never hear a wrestling fan say', I want to rip them to pieces.

That's the other thing, I'm a peace loving Buddhist type over encumbered by empathy who also has a devil within him that wants to tear out the throat of his enemies only to revert to the shaking pacifist once that devil leaves. I understand that both are just as much 'me' but the Truth;Beauty;Love 'me' is what my [intangible essence of self] wants to be before external and internal forces pull me into the distressing destructive animal.

Take care, people.

EXACTLY how I feel. I still have horrible anxiety, some bad depression, and crippling obsessive thoughts (I guess that could be lumped into anxiety, but they usually result in me having to go look something up about whatever I'm worrying about to feel better, even in the middle of work, so there's a bit of compulsion there too), but realizing that I don't have to be anything other than what I want to be in life has been an absolutely amazing experience. To completely let go of worrying about what people think about me has been fantastic (which wasn't easy since I used to be very consumed with being "cool" and having everyone like me... But I'm much happier the way I am now).

Also, none of my friends or colleagues share these types of problems, so it's hard always hearing "just don't worry about it", as you mentioned in your post. Also, anyone who would look down on anyone like us for whatever reason isn't even worth my time, so I don't bother acknowledging those people. The thing is, most people who act like that have serious issues of their own and are only doing it to try and make themselves feel better by picking on others (regrettably, something I did for a brief period when I was about 16 or so... I didn't make fun of people for their disorders or anything, but just picked on people in general.... One of the things I regret most in life, actually)
 
#36 ·
Now this is what I like. I really dig these sort of threads because instead of tearing each other down(like we do in certain other sections and threads) we share, give tips and encouragement to each other. These things are nice to see in this place:angel.

Too see how so many of us are so depressed is really worrisome. But hey who said scratching and clawing from personal hellholes is an easy task right?

A thousand step journey begins with a single step I hear. Falling down from steps is hard but you can always get back on track.

In the end of the day it's about finding that inner harmony. Find strong goals to follow in life and possibly connecting to the universe in one way or the other(connecting to our true self).
 
#46 ·
A lot of honesty and positive feedback in this thread. That is a great thing to see.

I started seeing therapists when I was around 11 years old after my first two suicide attempts. I spent a lot of time getting a lot of different diagnoses that in the end never really addressed the problems I had. That is not to say I did not benefit from talking to professional counselors. One thing that did help me during all that time was hearing myself describe my problems to someone else and getting feedback that made me look at those issues from different points of view that I otherwise might not have considered. That turned out to be very helpful and taught me a great deal about looking at the world through the eyes of other people, which has always been and will probably always be one of my biggest weaknesses.

Of course I am still pretty messed up. I am so used to suicidal thoughts that sometimes they are like old loser friends that just hang out and you don't have to really talk to, because you have become comfortable with the awkward silence. Yeah, they can piss you off and you wouldn't be bothered if they went away and you never saw them again, but after so long they are just part of my life and I am accustomed to them just hanging around uninvited. Maybe one day I will acquire enough self worth to kick them out for good, but until then I am just numb to their presence. And yes, I am aware that this is not healthy. But it is the only defense I have right now.

Reading this thread and typing this out is telling me that I need to get back into seeking help. It has been a couple years since I had a counselor or psychiatrist to talk to, and I have been off of any meds for about a year at least. I have lost any passion I had for the things in my life I used to enjoy. I no longer go fishing; at least if I do my heart isn't into it. I can't get into my favorite shows like I used to. I still read books every day, but even that almost feels like going through the motions sometimes. I can feel myself, like I am just beneath the surface scratching to get out and live. But I can't break through the ice, and I wonder if I might eventually drown (and if it is really worth fighting the inevitable).

But here I am, talking to you people about this, and that makes me think that even while I spend times despairing, I am not in the mind of giving up to it. I still get up and go to work every day. I keep looking for new places to fish. I try to find interesting new books and TV shows. I log in to WF and chat and joke with you fine people, who manage to find ways to always make me laugh and smile.
 
#77 ·
To tell you the truth I been having depression since middle school. This depression turned into all kinds of intrusive thoughts. These intrusive thoughts just keep hitting me everyday and I can't control myself. I don't express them, but why do they keep coming back. I can't control this bad thoughts, am I crazy? I don't want to harm anyone or anything. I want to remain calm the rest of life. I'm scared that I'm going to get harmed by someone. I'm always cautious of my surroundings, I never know if everyone is going to harm me. Am I paranoid? or Am I just a preventive person that will know how to defend himself during a tough situation?

Well that's a few things I wanted to get off my chest. People used to bully me a lot in middle school. I was a weak defenseless brat. I never gotten into a fight, I never skipped class, I never did anything wrong. Did the bullies did something wrong? Was I used as a shield for their problems? Did I actually helped someone by being weak.
Who knows only the people who bullied me know.

But you know what, this experience from depression can actually help me write a novel.

I will always keep following my dreams, I will overcome the odds like :CENA, I will WIN against depression, LOL.

Anyways, now that I'm going to college has made me a less socially awkward person. I'm better at interacting with other people, and I have aced three group assignments already. So I don't have to worry about nothing

AXELMANIAWINSLOL
(I wished this actually happened in WWE.)
 
#97 ·
A thread about depression and not one mention of health and wellbeing from a diet and exercise view point? A huge often overlooked way to help combat or live with depression is to get regular exercise and have a good diet. You are what you eat after all and if you eat a load of crap you will feel like crap. Doctors won't suggest you can help yourself with a good diet, although it is happening more and more, they would rather typecast you as a "bi-polar sufferer" or whatever and then sell you the medication.

Pioneering medical breakthroughs have to be administered off of the coast of America because the technology and the outcomes get blocked. People have to go to international waters to get the proper treatment. The same shit happens with electricity, for example the world could easily be powered by solar energy but yeah....you get my point.

Also something that should probably be discussed is the notion of what happiness really is. People saying things like "I'll never be happy till I'm with that girl" or "I'll never be happy until I have that job I desperately want!" What people don't realise is that happiness isn't determined by what you have and don't have. The fact of the matter is you're more likely to attain these things if you have a happy demeanour and are happy WITHIN yourself. Whatever you strive for will be within your reach.

I could ramble on and on but this shit gets me fired up.

As easy as it is to say you need to get some help......change comes from within.
 
#105 · (Edited)
Depression, the word is explanatory as to the effects of the condition. Everybody can feel low and sad but not everybody will be depressed. It is like something is sitting on your chest in the morning, you can't move, your mind goes through everything you have done in your life, the sun never actually shines.

Bi-polar (manic depression) is a condition where one can fly from extreme symptoms of oppression (or depression) to a state of pure euphoria to the point where one will act erratically and will perform acts they would not ordinarily do. I have seen a manic episode first hand and it's not pretty.

Someone who is depressed does not enjoy anything in life, cannot derive enjoyment from anything. It can sometimes be circumstantial and short term use of anti depressants combined with therapy is the way to treat. Others will suffer depression that is a chemical imbalance in the brain and frankly they'll be on meds for the rest of existence.
Bi-polar is a condition that is the result of true mental illness (I don't know how best to describe it because i don't suffer from it) It is a contradictory illness that causes great distress to the sufferer. It can be something that is wrong with someone from the very moment of birth or can be triggered by a traumatic life experience, in those who are predisposed to the condition (again not a doctor, i'm just going by what i know and what i've been told in being tested for almost every fucking mental illness in the book). This kind of mental illness may run in families so to look and see if other family members have suffered is a first stop for many doctors. I know that I have an uncle who is schizophrenic, and is in prison rn (just discovered this last week :(), that kind of information could have been useful at one point in my life. While i'm not schizophrenic, mental illness is in the family.
 
#12 ·
I suffered from depression for a couple of years. It was a really slow slope but little by little I was losing stuff in my life and was not adding anything new. I started losing touch with old friends, had jobs kinda end not even something I could have done about it. Was just the circumstances around it.

At that point all I had was my girlfriend. Things started to go sour there, she started to care more about her friends than me. She felt I was holding her back from doing what she wants to do in life, simply because she wasn't ready for it.

She dumped me, and that was really the catalyst to my depression. It was the last thing I had in my life that made me happy. A week or so later I was literally handed a job in a city 5 hours away. Unlike jobs in the past, this was one that could actually really support a living. My parents pushed me into going there, I never wanted to go. But felt I had no other choice.

I went and lived there, I knew no one. My supervisor was a smart idiot... in that he knew how to do some things adequately but when it came to more modern methods, he was completely baffled. He would then find ways to insult you and look down on you.

After my training period ended I was moved to the overnight shift which is where they stuck most new people. The job became too easy for me. The hardest part was being able to tolerate the cabin fever being put in a sound proof room with poor ventilation. Having hours of down time where all I had were my thoughts.

I thought about how my life had turned into that, I was frustrated at the idiocy of management. I was frustrated that I had no friends there, it was impossible to make friends when you have to goto bed at 5pm.

I tried really hard to get out of the depression. All that was on my mind for months and months was my Ex and how horrible she was to me. I analyzed every facet of our relationship. I saw she went back on everything she told me when we broke up. Having all of that building up in my mind.

I had to find outlets that I enjoyed. I began smoking weed heavily. It helped me more than anything else could. For that hour I was high I didn't think about her, I didn't think about my job. All I thought about was the TV show.... or porn that I was watching.

It enabled me to forget about what I hated in my life, It gave me a way to just relax even for just a little while. It made me not worry about not finding someone in this new city to date. I didn't worry about not having any friends.

I also decided to take up shooting guns. Now I know thats not what most people want, a depressed person with a gun. But to me, I felt like I was out of control of my life, when I decided to take a safety class where I got to shoot a gun, just firing that made me feel like I had a lot of control in my hands. It was therapeutic for me. I treated it like a toy for adults that had to be used responsibly, much like sky diving.

Eventually I decided to quit my job and moved back with my parents. I went on a 2 and a half month trip across europe with my super rich older brother. Having 5000 euro per night back to back clubbing. Staying in nothing but 5 star hotels, going to the airport without a clue what country I was going to til we got there. And thats only the stuff I'm willing to talk about online.

I started dating an amazing girl. She has been incredibly good to me. Now I'm pretty much living with her, and we just got a dog together.

We all go through tough times in life. Some are more fortunate than others. But one piece of advice that I can give is 'If you don't like something about your life, find a way to make it better' You can get rid of it, you can fix it, you can stop letting it bother you. But when it comes down to it, the stress we face in life, its only stressful if you let it get to you.

Hope my story helped someone. If anyone wants to know more, feel free to pm me.
 
#47 ·
I'd say hang in there Pratch, but I don't think you need it.

All of that sounds familiar Pratch, except the getting help part. I don't even bother anymore because of my inability to have a conversation in person, and the fact I just can't put words to what is in my mind.

There's talking out of my ass and there's what I really think, and I can do is talk out of my ass.
 
#50 ·
I wouldn't say I'm depressed, or have ever been depressed. I will say though that I have had an increasingly pronounced degree of anger, anxiety, and frustration at my lack of dating and, until recently, professional successes. Academic successes were never a problem. I've always been able to make friends, and I'm satisfied with my friendships for the most part. There are a lot of things I enjoy doing, and I am happy often, but...when I think a little while, it's hard for me to not be disappointed in myself. I always think I could have and should have accomplished more than I have. I am seldom if ever satisfied with what I do accomplish for very long, unfortunately. I keep telling myself that once I achieve a handful of goals, that will all change, but...I have my doubts if I will or not. I worry that nothing will ever be enough at times..

I was once a happy go lucky, optimistic kid until 5th grade. Then that all changed that year though, and ever since then I've become increasingly cynical, dark, snarky, irreverent, and something of a real-life troll. I often tell people I try and make a joke of everything and make light of things because if I wasn't laughing, I'd probably be sobbing or screaming. Still, I often do wish I could somehow recapture that old optimistic, happy, carefree demeanor I used to have. I didn't think about the future much or very far ahead back then. It was just the next day. Things were fun, I wasn't worrying about much...ah, good times.

The main source of the rage, anxiety, and frustration is just that I seemingly can't do what people that are objectively considered (by friends, bystanders, etc.) around or below my level, (academically, ethically, aesthetically, whatever) can do, be it get random jobs in the summer (which I could seemingly never do), high-profile internships (finally broke the dry spell a few weeks ago), or romantic relationships with girls. It pissed me off to no end that I could do well in school, that my friends seemingly held a high regard for me as a human being, that I increasingly made positive impressions on random bystanders and people who didn't know me that well...and yet, none of it translated into the romantic or professional successes I wanted. It was a tough blow to my ego.

I'm 22 years old. I've had a solid number of dates (generally, if I want a date, I don't have much trouble getting at least the first one), and come close to successfully starting relationships on a number of occasions. Just one kiss though. I've been interested in maybe a dozen girls since 2005 or so, seriously so in 6, but was probably only in love once. Still, every single one of those has ended in increasingly dramatic, more spectacular, or more infuriating failures that seemingly make no sense. I could make some very entertaining rants (hell, even a movie) about the details of some of those sagas :lol

I would actually say it's worse to even get dates and seemingly come close then it is to not having them at all. I would say it's like climbing a ladder, nearly grabbing the gold, and then getting hurled down. If I am meant to fail, I would prefer to just be told up front. I don't like living under an illusion for any length of time. I don't like thinking I have a chance if I never did. If you don't think I'm worth your time and attention from the start, then say so. Anything less doesn't show much respect for me as a human being. The rejection doesn't even bother me as much as the fact that they're just not straightforward with me.

I've of course had a few other problems with people over the years (who hasn't?) but for the most part, I haven't really been depressed by any of them. The closest I come to that mostly stems from the romantic failures. In other social interactions, if folks have problems with me, they've got enough respect to be straightforward and make no bones regarding the dislike. But the girls I've dated? For many of them, it's as though they don't even think I'm worth the courtesy of being honest with from the start. And that stings. If nothing else, people deserve the truth. There's a basic level of common courtesy everyone should be entitled to at the beginning. You shouldn't have your dignity trampled on.

I think what I've learned through all of this though is that it's a losing game to leave your emotional state or sense of self-worth in someone else's hands. That's giving them too much power. No one should have that much influence on your life. A few of the girls I was into, when I liked them, I'd have given up a kidney for them; but, as events later turned out, I can be pretty certain if they saw me lying facedown in a gutter with running water, they wouldn't even have the courtesy to turn me over so I wouldn't drown to death.

I think part of my problem with depressing thoughts boils down to overthinking though. I honestly believe that a lot of people only treat you in a certain way if they don't ever expect you to amount to much (which I think is terrible and wrong, but I think it's true.) If they do expect you to amount to something? They'll treat you better. But if not? They clearly don't think they'll ever regret it, in my mind, so they don't think twice about treating you like you're dirt under their shoe.

That line of thinking has kept me driven, ambitious, and motivated over the years (academically, professionally, and in side ventures), but I acknowledge that's also a dangerous way to think. I've openly said a number of times that if I failed to surpass the people that had wronged me, that would be my revenge, that would give me some level of peace and closure. If I am unable to though? I think that would retroactively justify the way they treated me in the first place and prove them right. If that happens, then depression-like symptoms might surface. Then I would no longer be able to cling to the one conviction that has held those thoughts off: that I didn't deserve the setbacks or the mistreatment, that it was bad luck, that I did still deserve to eventually have what I wanted, that I would get it if I worked hard enough, continued to do what I judged to be right, treated the people I came across with respect, and did not become a hypocrite by abandoning my ethics, pride, or sense of honor along the way.

That's left a lot of pressure on me, too. Hopefully that changes someday. But as far as dating is concerned, I try not to look to romance as a necessary source of happiness or self-validation anymore. If it happens, it happens, and good; but then, maybe it won't be what I once expected or hoped for it to be. I have often been attracted to happy, upbeat kinds of girls, because it did rub off on me while I was with them, but you shouldn't need someone else's help to think or in a certain way. I think you're setting yourself up for a rude awakening eventually if you do that.

It may sound selfish or hedonistic to think like this, but at the end of the day, I think the best way to avoid or stave off depression is just to think about yourself before anything else. What is it that you like doing? What gives you a sense of purpose and satisfaction? Why does that necessarily need to involve anyone else? Other people can help make your life more enjoyable or meaningful, sure, but you can't look for something you don't have in someone else. They can never give it to you for long. Other people don't last forever; even if you spend a lot of time with someone, the one person you'll spend the most time dealing with is yourself. So you have to make sure there's enough that you like to do, that you find some sense of meaning and fulfillment from, to fill in the parts of your life and thoughts that don't involve other people. You're alone in your heart and mind; no one else is in there with you.

That's why I've come to think that you can't place too great an importance on anyone else for how you're feeling, because even though their influence can be as great as you want it to be, at the end of the day, it's still limited. They can't make up for anything you think you lack, they're not a permanent solution or a panacea for whatever it is you think you're missing, you can't truly get something you don't have from someone...and you become painfully aware of that if and when they're no longer around, when it's just you again.
 
#108 ·
I had some pretty bad social anxiety and self-confidence issues. It caused me to go through pretty much my whole not doing the things that I truly wanted to do because I was afraid of failure. My later teenage years I was miserable. I felt like dying would be so much easier than going through a live that felt like a long series of shit I just did not want to do. I lived at home with my parents way longer than I should have and worked a pretty shitty low paying job basically to keep them off my back. I began to see myself as worthless, I thought I'll never find a career and I'll never be happy. This continued for a few years.

My social anxiety was so bad that I spend 75% of my work day avoiding people. I was too nervous to make a simple phone call to schedule an appointment or order food. One day, I can't really explain how it happened (it may have been the Niacin I was taking at the time, do some research on it) but suddenly I just got fed up with how my life was. I took a class in a field that would force me to go into crazy, socially uncomfortable situations where I would have to interact with all sorts of people every day. I got a new job. I was nervous as fuck for the first six months or so but I learned so much and got so much more comfortable in social situations. My confidence is higher than it's ever been. I am still incredibly hard on myself when I make mistakes but that doesn't last very long when it happens. I am back in school for a career and am more optimistic than I have ever been.

If anybody in this thread needs somebody to talk to, please don't be afraid to shoot me a PM, I am here to listen.
 
#132 ·
I have been through similar stuff in my life. On multiple medications, even hospitalized against my will as a danger to myself and others. As for how the meds are affecting you, it may depend on what you are taking. I know from personal experience that anti-psychotics make me tired to the point of being almost catatonic. I refuse to take them anymore because of how they affect me, regardless of the benefit. Geodon in particular really helps me think clearly, but for only about 4 hours a day.

Not knowing you personally keeps me from giving you solid advice, but the thoughts you describe and the troubles you are having don't sound too unusual. Unfortunately a lot of meds seem to be prescribed on a hit or miss basis. And it can take a while before the doctor becomes familiar enough with how you react to them to make certain you are getting the correct ones. For me, at times it did seem like things got worse before they got better. Do you see a counselor between visits to your doctor? I found that although it was required of me to do so (they were going to re-hospitalize me otherwise), it helped to have some one to use a sounding board for what I was going through as the doctor tried to figure out what would work for me.
 
#4 ·
The best people are those who don't mind being different. Those kids that were picking on you are the real losers. Being mean to people doesn't get anybody anywhere. I know you are done in high school and stuff but my idea is to get involved in the community. You may see yourself as somebody that nobody could like, but I can guarantee there are people out there like you who would love to discuss things like wrestling and music.

Look for some activities in your area that are welcoming to newcomers. I don't know if you are into video games or card games, but those are some of the most welcoming communities because the people come from all different backgrounds. Maybe go to some indy wrestling shows. Surround yourself with kind people like yourself(you seem kind :) ) and do some fun shit on your way!

Have fun, my friend. Life is a beautiful thing that may have its down periods, but can be what you make it. Don't let anybody tell you you can't do something, because opportunities are endless. Hope you keep embarking on this journey and enjoy the time you have left.
 
#8 ·
Dear Brandie, on me personally it was the opposite. It was okay to talk with therapists but I never ever dared to call someone on hotline.

Just few tiny details about me:
Bullied since Kindergarten until fifth class, gained weight because I didn't had someone home.
My mother loved me but for the surviving, she needed to work.
My father was a stupid drunk alcoholic money destroying plant.
Changed school at class six and I couldn't never trust anyone anymore, couldn't invite people, because I didn't want to blame myself thanks to my father so I had only schoolfriends.
With 14, arthritis.
With 18, lost my potential A grade, driver license and got a new illness, Morbus Bechterew and major depression with suicidal tendencies (began slowly at 14, because I was alone, nobody cared about my health status, nobody visited me).
Reached it's pike 2009 and slowly lowered and reduced until everything was fine like today.
Began with sports 2011 and lost over 30 kilos.
Summer 2014 arthritis came back and had to take cortisol -> gained 30 kilos.
I don't have a training for a job and still searching since August 2012.
Lost 1/3 of my left lung Autumn 2013 because of pleuritis.
Still I got betrayed, lied, nobody cared so what? I know I am a better person than they were.
And I am still fighting and I don't need since Sept. 2014 any antidepressants, so I guess I won at least for now, even with some setbacks.

PS: I listen absolutely different music than 99% of the people, so I will never find a club where I can feel truly "home", maybe opera houses but you don't want to talk to these folks. :)
 
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