Now shut up when I am talking.
Join Date: May 2013
Location: The loneliest planet
Re: The Wrestling Forum Interviews. Series 1: Baines on Toast
Wrestling Forum Interviews: Series 1
Name: Klein Helmer
Birthplace: St. Paul, Minnesota
Employment: Business/Administrative work: Medical/Private Tutor
Highest form of education: College
Relationship Status: Single
Favourite Item: S&W 629
Member since: 2014
This was the Interview I could not wait to do, Helmer made his name on WF early on in 2014. Since his debut he is known to be notoriously witty and able to turn away any non believers of The Helmer Express. The man has an aquired taste, you either love him or hate him, but one thing is for sure; You will see Paul Lynde. I spent the best part of 2-3 weeks getting this interview sorted and in place for WF, reading it through and seeing his detailed account of his trip to Raw will have you saying it was worth the wait. Please thank Klein Helmer for his time and honesty in this Interview and enjoy.
As per request of Klein Helmer I have included an image of Rhett from their recent trip to Raw.
Welcome Klein Helmer
You're my third participant in this series, you were my pick in the poll and you only joined in 2014. That's quite a name of you have made for yourself here with many claiming to be "Klein Helmer guys" as well as being on-board the "Helmer Express"
(The Helmer Express; It does not stop for anybody)
How does this make you feel?
Thank you for having me. I am enthusiastic to participate, and gratified that people have responded to what I've written.
So lets get this interview started;
1. This is a question I have asked both Cat and Baines and will continue to do so throughout this series. What is the one thing I and the rest of Wrestling Forum should know about you?
I like to think I have good taste.
Any examples of your good taste?
JS Bach, Werner Herzog, Paganini, and Paul Lynde.
2. You joined this forum in March 2014, I first interacted with you in your rant "Alright, who wants it?", do you remember my disdain before you grew on me? Will you hold it against me?
Of course - and of course not.
How could I have anything but fond memories of an exchange involving gifs of a 300 plus pound Oprah being pistol-whipped?
Leave the memories alone.
3. What worries you most about the future, if you even think about the future and what it may entail?
That I won't get away with it.
My lifestyle would best be described as a series of acts of self inflicted violence.
4. Are you currently in a relationship?
I am positively insufferable.
I accept you
5. What have you done that you're not proud of?
I have wasted opportunities and mistreated people I shouldn't have.
6. What have you given up on?
Fortunately, I believe that most of the items I would list are still in play.
I do think the time has likely passed for a serious go at MMA. I have done some MT, and before I retired scored a few legitimate stiff body KOs in TKD. For better or worse, a combination of injuries, apathy, drug use, and the fear that said drug use would work negatively in concert with the effects of prolonged hard sparring/competition has put an end to it for the time being.
That’s very unfortunate, this being a Wrestling Forum where sports like MMA are often discussed what would you say to someone who was looking to join/start in MMA?
I would advise them to carefully assess the risks involved, even if participating at a recreational level. I imagine brain health decades down the line isn't often a significant consideration for twenty year olds biting down on their mouth pieces and blasting away in the gym.
7. You are a member of many forums: Wrestling Forum, Body Building, Nike Talk, Underground Hip Hop, Smith and Wesson, Rap Music, Rap Dogs, Blade Forums and The Firing Line just to name a few. A man of many interests, how do you fit all of this in with work?
It may not be as dire as it seems.
I only ever posted at one forum until I was banned, and from there I went to the body building forum because I knew there were common users from my previous home who would welcome me. After a time I realized it wasn't my taste and left hoping I could find a better game elsewhere.
I ask questions occasionally at the knife and gun fora, but I don't really post at any of them. I joined the rap boards last year when I decided to become a rapper and wanted some feedback. I posted a couple videos, but like the above mentioned, I am not an active contributor.
In any case, I do business/administrative work for my family's clinic and write papers for college students, so most of my work finds me at a computer.
8. Do you know who you are?
I am a system of mass and energy as subject to the Laws of Physics as a rock falling down a hill.
9. Why the recent trip to go and only shoot food?
The better part of my inner mental life revolves around the pursuit of melons.
Perhaps my feelings would best be described by these lyrics from Bill Monroe:
See that watermelon smiling through the fence
I really wanna eat that watermelon fine
White folks act so foolish, They haven't got a lot of sense
Else they wouldn't have left that melon on that vine
So you’re saying you never leave a “melon” ?
When I left that old man's field, I left there on the run.
But I didn't leave that melon on the vine.
10. What is the most bizarre memory you have? Please explain the story?
This isn't my most bizarre memory by any means, but seeing as this is Wrestling Forum, and I was thrown out of Raw just a few nights ago, I'll have to go with that.
Rhett and I put on our Wyatt gear and hopped into Rhavv. We parked in a ramp near the Target Centre and broke out the single barrel (120 proof) Knob Creek. We started driving it, and to our delight were immediately cheered and approached for pictures by several groups of people.
We killed the bottle in what can't have been more than five minutes, and headed to a bar to meet some friends. Fuelled by the warmth in our chests and the continued shouts of approval from lookers on, we sat down and crowded two tall beers and some fruity shooters. From there we headed to the show.
Upon arrival, though buzzing nicely, neither of us had yet been completely overcome by the donkey killing quantity of booze we'd just downed. We found our way to our seats, and made time along the way for a few more photos with fans. We sat down to Dolph Ziggler vs Titus Oneil, to which I promptly responded, “Well, I couldn't possibly give a fuck less about this,” and headed out for beers. I got back, immediately spilled my drink, and saw that HHH and Stephanie were now speaking. I went for more beers.
By the time Bad News Barrett vs Sheamus was underway, both of us had been hit in the head with the proverbial shovel of our gratuitous liquor consumption. We had good seats, and started heckling Sheamus. Doubtless we were being extremely loud and obnoxious, because before long we were approached for a chat by security. Initially, they may have intended only to give us a warning, but by the time we had staggered to the top of the stairs, they told us we would have to leave.
We spilled outside into broad daylight before the conclusion of the first hour, and for reasons still not clear to me, made for the parking ramp. We could scarcely stay on our feet, and thankfully a group of police officers saw us approaching, and more or less laughing, told us there was no way we were getting into the garage.
We then started heading for a bar and along the way were encountered by two poor people. They began simultaneously asking us for money, warning us of the other's shadiness, and imploring us not to give them any cash. I slurringly attempted to make peace between the two and emptied my money clip. We finally arrived at our destination and were given wristbands, but as I collapsed on the way up the steps to the bar, the doorman who had banded me bounded up the stairs and cut it off. Shortly thereafter I was separated from Rhett.
I tried calling the bastard some ten times to no avail, and realized my phone had life sufficient for only one more call. I summoned a cab and bobbled around the middle of downtown in a Hawaiian shirt and straw hat until the driver showed up. I hopped into the car, certain if a lighter had been in front of my mouth when I opened it, the driver would have been incinerated. This concerned me momentarily me upon realizing he was a Muslim, and knowing that some Muslim cab drivers had refused drunk fares.
He ended up being a cool guy and humoured my questions as they related to his faith and its implications regarding drinking and accepting drunken riders. By this point I was on auto pilot, and the best I could do was to get us within a mile or so of Rhett's place. I tipped the guy obscenely and precariously lowered myself out of the vehicle. My hope was that Rhett had somehow made it back, as both my car and its keys were at his place.
I walked what should have been the familiar streets of Rhett's neighbourhood for some time, but despite my best efforts could not locate his house. I became quite despondent, but found hope when I realized that somehow I had this entire time had in my left hand Rhett's sheep mask, and this seemingly meaningless piece of WWE merchandise somehow became my temporary respite from despair. Lost, I repeated to myself, “You may have screwed up everything else, but you've still got the mask; just hold on to the mask.” This kept my spirits in order until I finally found Rhett's place.
Not shockingly, I knocked repeatedly to no answer; Rhett had not made it. I tried sleeping in the grass for a while, but that wasn't happening, so I found the lowest window, unfortunately four or more feet off the ground, slit the screen with my knife, and dove through – resulting in less than subtle forearm bruising the next day. The next thing I remember is waking up on the couch to Rhett entering his living room and joyfully exclaiming, “You're here?! How are you here?!”
I sprang to my feet and began pumping my fist and chanting, “RHETT! RHETT! RHETT! RHETT!” Then I realized that his fists, elbow, and a decent amount of his flight suit were covered in blood, and asked “What in the blue hell happened to you?” He told me that he had woken up in the hospital surrounded by several others handcuffed to their beds. Fortunately, he had not been similarly bound, and got up to ask what was going on. He was immediately stopped by a nurse and taken back to his bed, as he was wearing a “fall risk,” bracelet. They started feeding him fluids and told him they would let him go only after he had gotten his BAC down to .08.
Shortly after having achieving the desired limit, his friends from earlier found him and drove him home. So the two of us had a great laugh, and Rhett said, “Well, what the hell else is there to do now but get high?” I packed a bong and offered it to him, but by then he had thought better of it, so I took a rip and promptly lost my shit all over the floor.
I watched the rest of the show the next day and was highly disappointed to see that I had missed out on some great stuff from Lana, and a, “Let's go Sandow,” chant as he pranced around in a nude colored body suit. Overall it was a great night, my only regret being we did not, as had been previously planned, bring with us American Man dressed as Paul Bearer, but then again, he probably would not have survived the night.
I really have no words that could emphasise my drooling lust for a night out with you
11. Give us a quick summary of your life so far?
I excelled in school and athletics (chiefly English, Latin, TKD, and Baseball), then started taking drugs and failed out of my first year of college. I worked for a while, then finished my degree and spent the remainder of my twenties engaging in all the debauchery I could find. Now I'm trying to be an artist.
What sort of artist?
My focus of late has been on my first real, substantial artistic endeavor. Initially, it was meant specifically to be an audio drama (utilizing monologues, scenes with dialogue, music, and sound effects) based on the story, “The Hound,” by HP Lovecraft. However, it has recently taken on an additional visual dimension as I have brought in an illustrator who will be providing drawings and some level of motion comics for the project. By the time of completion it will be a semi animated film, ie, there will be some motion on the screen, but primarily a series of still images. The show will also feature an original score.
I am also trying my hand at The Rap Game, and to this point have made two songs. I was thrilled with the instrumentation, production, and female vocals, but mortified by my own contributions thereto. I am currently working on four more songs which will absolutely blow their predecessors out of the water; ideally one or more of them will feature a video.
12. How did you and Rhett meet?
My office used to refer patients to him before his first malpractice suit.
13. Your belongings are about to perish, you can save one, what is it?
I am something of a misanthrope, and I shall'nt attempt to put more elegantly the following from Hobbes:
Whatsoever therefore is consequent to a time of war where every man is enemy to every man, the same is consequent to the time wherein men live without other security than what their own strength and their own invention shall furnish them withal. In such condition there is no place for industry, because the fruit thereof is uncertain, and consequently no culture of the earth, no navigation nor use of the commodities that may be imported by sea, no commodious building, no instruments of moving and removing such things as require much force, no knowledge of the face of the earth; no account of time, no arts, no letters, no society, and, which is worst of all, continual fear and danger of violent death, and the life of man solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.
14. First thing I would notice about you?
Probably whatever it is I'm trying to have noticed, until I slip.
What's the first thing you notice about others?
Probably their melons.
And if it’s a gentleman?
You have my response.
15. What is your general opinion or view about myself?
It's not good, mate.
Why is that?
It likely stems from my uncanny ability to so effectively and repeatedly make such terrible, terrible decisions.
16. Can you give myself and the forum anymore information regarding Rhett and anything to do with the law...?
Unfortunately, I cannot.
17. If melons are your favourite body part, what body part do you hate the most?
You'll forgive my indecency, but I don't think there's a delicate way to put this: I'll have to say lunch meat labia.
18. Give me two songs I and this forum needs to hear before I pass?
Wow, just two, I'll have to make sure they're distinct from one another.
The counter tenor Jonathan Peter Kenny does a positively inspired rendition
of the “Erbarme Dich” from The St. Matthew Passion, and “I wouldn't if you didn't” by The Dillinger Escape plan is amazing – a tough listen for the uninitiated, but there's a huge pay off about two minutes in.
19. Out of everyone on this Forum who do you dislike the most? Who is your favourite?
I'm not going to give anyone I dislike any ink. I enjoy most of your posts.
20. If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is that picture?
Run a google image search for Terri Jane.
21. If you could choose the sex and physical appearance of your soon-to-be-born child, would you do it? How would it look?
I couldn't do the kid thing, the stakes are just too high. My sister is a single mom pursuing a Master's Degree, and I spend a lot of time with her five year old son. That boy is the apple of my eye: dexterous, strong, smart, and hilarious. If I wanted a child it would be him.
22. What is your most upsetting memory?
I would rather decline to respond than to do so dishonestly.
23. We finally made it, we reached the end of our interview, so many weeks in the making, numerous back and forth messages. Are you as sad as I am now that the chase is ending?
There's scarcely anything I enjoy more than talking about myself.
Helmer, as you know I am eternally grateful to you and anybody else who sits in the hot seat for an interview. Thanks you for being open and genuine, the Forum will appreciate it.
Next up on the hot seat will be ManoWarrior coming next weekend (I and you hope). Keep your eyes on this thread; subscribe if you want so you do not miss any details I may post. Thanks for reading.
Last edited by Coach. : 06-16-2014 at 01:37 PM.