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post #7 of (permalink) Old 02-27-2013, 08:07 PM Thread Starter
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Learning to break kayfabe
 
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Re: 13 Years In, Over 7976 To Go

Dear Diary,

It’s really cold in here and I have no idea what day it is or anything. A rope binds my arms and I am stuck to this chair. I’m beginning to wonder how I am writing this in the first place but since there is a guy from the future around here somewhere. Well, whatever. I’m a goshdarn sumo warrior for Pete’s sake, why is some lunatic with a gun here holding me up? What does crazy face want with me?

Hopefully I’m out soon,
“The Master of Satriani” Master Satriani “The Sumo Warrior”


Dear Diary,

You know LADDERS? Course you do, LADDERS are nice! LADDERS are your friends! LADDERS help you get places you could never go without the extra height they provide. If you can’t understand that you don’t understand LADDERS.

Rehab was nice haven’t drank anything since. Even water. Get it? Nevermind. LADDERS I was writing about LADDERS. LADDERS are how you win ladder matches. You climb up them and ship. It’s a pretty interesting concept. Wanna know what happened to the first guy who lost a ladder match in SSAW? He got hit by a car. LADDERS are a dangerous thing Lenty, I wouldn’t want to get caught dead with LADDERS.

Enough rambling, Vio Lent “The Present Warrior”, well tonight I will use my friends, they are all LADDERS btdubs, to climb to places I could never get to without the extra height it provides, isn’t that nice. No, LADDERS are nice, read back it’s the second part of my second sentence. Oh yeah, and when I climb the LADDERS I will get your title belt which will then become my title belt.

ALL IN ALL, Lenty, you lose your belt, I climb LADDERS, and then you’ll get hit by a car, ‘cause that’s what happens when you lose and LADDERS are involved.

See you in the aftermath.

Peace,
“Mr. Yakuza Kick” Andy Ridge

PS: The match will be pretty violent. Get it?



Dear Diary,

Hey! I can’t believe I’m finally getting my title match tonight. The #1 contender tournament ended like months ago, but those buttholes beat me up. John Boy Corbett is a cool guy but he is no Griller. He can’t flip a burger the way I can. I am the best at that, they always get an organism. I’m cereal. Okay well the most important thing is one having fun and two kickin’ butt which is the game plan for tonight. JBC I’m gonna turn up the burners and take your belt.

Yours truly,
“A1” Francis Barbecue, One Half of The SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Champions


DEAR DIARY,

I AM IN A RAGE, TONIGHT I RETURN WITH A VENGEANCE!

It is set I will put the tape to Gene Barbecue and own his life; I think I’ll call him Bar Becue or maybe Spa Tula. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT HIS NAME IS. He’ll be my slave, and with one half of the tag titles under my control and the lightweight belt Lenty has, which is also under my control, The Rock, won’t be able to stop us he’ll be forced to put me up against JBC and this time I won’t fall for his tricks, for his CHEATING.

I CAN’T BLEED, HOW DID HE MAKE ME BLEED?

Whatever, Gene goes down, Gene gets tape, Lent retains belt, and then WE ARE TAKING THE PAST. Lenty thought of that name, cute right?

Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”


Dear Diary,

The way he sits there at his desk, oh! The way he commentates on matches, gosh! The way he’s 11 times cuter than Darren Criss, aw! I need him. Buackson you crazy son of a gun, I love you and someday we will be together forever.

Hopelessly in love,
Jonathon Gold


Dear Diary,

Just got married to the most beautiful woman in the world, looking forward to a loving marriage and to a loving wife. Our babies are going to be so cute.

Off the market,
Johnny Buackson


Eternal Suffering 2
January 7th 2024
The Super Special Awesome Dome in Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe in 478 languages and American dialects!

Amazing Halo and “Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac went to a 10-minute time limit draw with “The Arabian Destroyer” Gama Singh Jr. and “The Pirate” El Hijo Del Pirata Morgan in the dark match.

“The Agent” Mild Walsh and “Never Forget” “Blockbuster” “Loveless” Kyle O’Reilly are chilling backstage.

“Now, Kyle, I want you to go out there and kill Amasis show “The First Lightweight” what a true mo’suckra is,” says Walsh.

“That won’t be too hard, since I AM A BADGUY NOW, I will break the rules and beat this punk butt Amasis,” says O’Reilly. “I will kick the ship out of Amasis, I PROMISE!”

“Good boy!”

Kyle puts on his wrist tape and rubs oil on his chest, now he’s finally ready, oh so ready to go!

OHDA

RUDA

MUDA

PUNTA

GRUNDA

WANDA MONDA

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Amasis does the Rey Mysterio thing and jumps onto the stage. It is really cool.

“What a dynamic entrance! I’ve never seen anything like that before!” says Buackson.

“It’s a lovely entrance,”

Amasis rolls into the ring and starts pounding the mat until his opponent comes out, but Kyle O’Reilly attacks him from behind. Kyle locks in the Walls of O’Reilly (Furious Crab (Walls of Jericho (Boston Crab))). Amasis may tap to this but not fast enough so Kyle stomps on his head over and over, but Amasis hits a leg chop that forces Kyle to release the hold. Amasis and Kyle O’Reilly start trading kicks to the face. Amasis hit a Superkick but O’Reilly merely staggers and then hits a ROLLING DDT. Then he picks up Amasis and tosses him onto the other side of the ropes. He then grabs Amasis and pulls him through the ropes and hits a Rope Hung DDT. Amasis gets out at 2.

Kyle starts chopping Amasis repeatedly in the back. It hurts him. He goes for another pin but Amasis kicks out at 2. Kyle starts pounding the mat as Amasis gets to his feet and the tries to hit a ROLLING RKO but Amasis dodges it and grabs Kyle and goes for a Brainbuster but Kyle hits A-Mass with a knee to stop it just in time.

“IF AMASIS HAD HIT THE BRAINBUSTER IT WOULD HAVE BEEN OVER!”

Amasis hits Kyle with 15 slaps and tries to hit the ‘buster again but Kyle is still able to reverse it. Kyle hits a high chest kick knocking Amasis into the ropes but he bounces off of them and hits a ROLLING BIG BOOT, then a ROLLING BACK ELBOW. Amasis tries to hit a ROLLING BRAINBUSTER but Kyle counters into a Triple Powerbomb for a two count. It was a near fall though so Kyle tries to get the referee to change his decision, when he turns back around Amasis hits the Brainbuster and goes for a pin.
ONE!…

KYLE KICKS OUT AT ONE. KYLE HITS A CHOP TO THE ARM.

1….

2….

3! KYLE’S GOT IT! Kyle picks up a microphone.

“Some finisher, I kicked out at one! Pfft! Amasis you are a joke AND YOUR THEME MUSIC IS DUMB!” says Kyle O’Reilly “Never Forget” “Blockbuster” “Loveless”

Mild Walsh rolls into the ring and starts stomping on Amasis. Then he picks Amasis up and puts him in between Kyle’s legs. Kyle hits him with a Spike Piledriver. Walsh checks Amasis’ pulse, he has a heartbeat so Mild Walsh hits him over the head with a stone chair.

“This is pretty darn brutal, he’s beating him down pretty hard,” says Gold.

“Reminds me of last night with my wife,” says Buackson.

Gold falls out of his chair. “What?”

“Oh, I meant the hard part, not the brutal part,” says Buackson.

ONE MAN

MANY FRIENDS

GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS

SUPER FRIENDS

SUPER BROS

SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS

“It’s Jagged, our hero has arrived!” says Buackson.

“What?”

Jagged cleans house with a stone chair. Walsh and Kyle retreat up the ramp and shake their fists at Jagged, they don’t like it when he cleans house! Jagged frantically checks Amasis’ pulse, he takes out his phone and dials 911 for help.

“Yes, I need an ambulance please, it’s an emergency, and his heart isn’t beating! I’m at the Super Special Awesome Dome in Ryan! Please help! Thank you!” says Jagged.

STEP ONE YOU SAY WE NEED TO TALK

HE WALKS YOU SAY SIT DOWN IT’S JUST A TALK

YOU STARE POLITELY RIGHT ON THROUGH

SOME SORT OF WINDOW TO YOUR RIGHT

AS HE GOES LEFT AND YOU STAY RIGHT

BETWEEN THE LINES OF FEAR AND BLAME

YOU BEGIN TO WONDER WHY YOU CAME

Two medics come from the back and roll in with a gurney.

“You guys came fast,” says Jagged

“We always come fast!” says the medics in unison.

“Quick pass me a bandage!” says the one with Pring on his nametag.

“Alright!”

“All better!” says Amasis, “You three guys are heroes who have saved my life,”

FIND LIGHT IN THE BEAUTIFUL SEA

I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY

YOU AND I

YOU AND I

WE’RE LIKE DIAMONDS IN THE SKY

“Mysterious” Ern Mystery and “Very Speedy” Holden Ross jump out from the back with microphones.

“This is so touching,” says Mystery.

“He’s just kidding! You guys are lame! You guys really think you can just walk in here and be heroes?” asks Holden Ross.

“Jagged, why don’t you and Amasis hold hands and walk yourselves to the back, so we can kick the new kids’ tiny dumb butts,” says Mystery.

Jagged and Amasis do as the team of Lightning In The Jungle say, leaving the medics in the ring. The one that’s nametag says Pring walks over to the other guy.

“Let’s fight’em I always wanted to be a wrestler!” says Pring.

“Yeah, but what would we call ourselves?” says the other one.

“Well you’re a doctor and you’re last name is Wood, so you’ll be Doctor Wood, and then I’ll be Doctor Pring. And, we’ll be a team!” says Doctor Pring.

“AND WHEN OUR COMBINED POWERS COME TOGETHER WE BECOME….um,” says Doctor Wood.

“THE HEALING POWERS,” finishes Doctor Pring! “Get it? We’re like Hogan and Savage but we’re doctors! Everyone will be like WOAH SWAG!” says Doctor Pring!

Wood picks up a microphone. “Ok, punk butts! We accept your challenge and WE WILL KICK YOUR ACES!” says Doctor Wood!

“After we beat you we’ll take you to the back on the stretcher we took to the ring, then we’ll make you feel better, um, and be ready to kick your butt again!” says Doctor Pring!

Lightning In The Jungle run to the ring and the match kicks off. Pring and Wood show off their awesome highflying healing powers with stereo Front-Flip Dropkicks, immediately both pinning their opponents but they both kick out at two. Both The Healing Powers lock in Armbars. The Jungle Lightning guys escape from the hold and both hit suplexes to The Healing Powers, then Ross tosses Doctor Wood out of the ring and dives onto him. Ern Mystery hits a stiff kick to Doctor Pring taking him off his feet then he climbs to the top rope and signals for the Swandive Headbutt (Shooting Star Headbutt) he hits it for a three count.

Ern Mystery and Holden Ross laugh about how easy it was to defeat those nerds as they walk to the back.

We go backstage where Gene Barbecue is preparing for his match. He is trying to flip a burger but correctly like Papa showed him. Papa Barbecue interrupts him.

“No, bad, you can’t eat now you have a match against an extremely powerful opponent next, he’s from the future,” says Papa Barbecue.

“But daddy! I’m hungry!” says Gene as he crosses his arms and pouts.

“Last time you ate before your match you threw up all over the place, that wasn’t good, it made our happy family look bad. WE DON’T WANT TO LOOK BAD GENE! Don’t make Papa Barbecue give you a whippin’ NO BUTS,” yells Papa Barbecue as he strikes his whip on the ground.

“I’m sorry daddy,” pleads Gene.

“Jesus loves you, as do I, now go fight Tri Bute, before I give you a beating for being too slow,” orders Papa Barbecue.

“Parents abusing their adult children, how edgy are we, Gold?” asks Buackson.

“What?” says Gold, still stunned from earlier I suppose.

A casket lowers from the rafters decorated with purple skulls and the like, there are also flames and there is barbwire on the bottom. Think of the coolest casket ever, multiply it by 40 swags and that’s what you got. It hits the ground and the touchdown themes stars playing.

TAKE MY LOVE

TAKE MY LAND

TAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT STAND

I DON’T CARE

I’M STILL FREE

YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME

The casket pops open and then dawns the glorious return of “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”.

“Someday I’ll be living in a big old city and all your ever gonna be is mean

Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me and all your ever gonna be is mean

WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO MEAN?” sings Tri Bute. “Do you guys like that little ditty? That’s the kind of crop Gene Barbecue listens to, yeah, he listens to T-Swizzle. What a fog right? Amiriht? Seriously Taylor Swift is the pits the only version of Mean I could possibly listen to is the Puckerman and Coach Beast duet from Glee,” says Tri Bute. “And I know you idiots are going to try to defend him, be all like, well “you can only rip on taste in music, don’t you know everyone’s is diff?” but I’ll be like of course I do that, IT’S THE ONLY VERBAL WEAPON I NEED BEACH! I listen to people who are actually talented, they aren’t necessarily alive yet, but I know of them because I’M FROM THE FUTURE. I know everything! I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO RIP ON ANYONE WHO LIKES DOLLY PARTON, cause she sucks. SHE SUCKS COOK! Think the gods that IN THE FUTURE, we burned all the books and banned fun throughout the universe,” says Tri Bute.

“What a dock, someone should put a stop to this,” says Johnny Buackson at ringside.

I LOVE STEAK

I LOVE SAUCE

OH SHIP THIS BAR-BE-CUE IS HASS!

STEAK IS GOOD

SAUCE IS GOOD

OH SHIP THERE MIGHT BE FLOOD

DP IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE

TS IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE

BARBEQ IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE

ME AND YOU R ROCKIN’ TO NIEY YITE

YOU AND ME ARE FUNKIN’ TO NITE

Gene Barbecue walks out from the back with a microphone, “I’m gonna make this short and sweet. TRI BUTE ME AND YOU, R FEUDING. I THINK YOU SUCK. LET’S FIGHT NOW! You know what you are? You’re mean! AND THAT’S ALL YOUR EVER GONN FILPIN’ BE,” yells Gene as he runs to the ring and the match kicks off.

Gene and Butey start punching the ship out of each other. It is like a huge brawl. Then they start trading kicks to the face! One kick knocks Tri Bute into the ropes, then Gene charges at him but Butey ducks and pulls the top rope down and Gene flies over him like a dumb butt.

“Wow, what a dumb butt!” says Buackson while giggling like a girl.

Gene gets back in the ring and looks really mad. Gene bounces off the ropes and goes for a closeline, but Tri Bute ducks under it and Gene accidentally closelines the referee. Gene starts checking the referee’s pulse while Butey exits the ring and grabs a stone chair! He hits Gene over the head with the chair and goes for a pin, but the referee doesn’t count because he is still down. Tri Bute wakes up the referee then signals for his finisher, Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam)! He hits Gene with the chokeslam and covers him but he kicks out and two and Tri Bute gets really pee’d off! So he grabs the referee by the neck and chokeslams him too. On the way down the referee calls for the bell giving Gene Barbecue the win via disqualification.

“Lame, I think you should be aloud to hit the referee,” says Buackson as he crosses his arms and pouts.

Tri Bute is mad that he lost so he scales to the top rope and hits Gene with Tri Bute To The Doomed (Leg-Clap Frogsplash). Then Tri Bute spits on Gene. Then Tri Bute gets a microphone.

“Gene, I think you’re a major beach. The fact that you are a champion and I’m not makes me flippin’ sick, I’m FROM THE MOTHER FLIPPIN’ FUTURE. Title belts should be handed to me! So I’m challenging you and your dockface brother to A TAG TEAM MATCH. MY BEST FRIEND AND I VERSES YOU FOGS for the SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships. What do you say beach?” says Tri Bute, laying down the challenge.

Gene says okay. THEN TRI BUTE SPITS ON HIM AGAIN WHAT A JERK.

“Wow! That Tri Bute guy is such a jerk! Right Gold?”

“What?”

“Okay I’ll do your part from now on, gosh darn you’re useless. Yeah Buack! Oh look something’s happening backstage, very interesting Gold!” says Buackson.

Vio Lent (Tyler Black) and Exe Cution (David Hart Smith) are hanging out backstage.

“So…who do you think is Tri Bute’s best friend?” asks Cution.

“It doesn’t really matter, it’s probably one of us, what matters is that I got to defend the title tonight. IN A LADDER MATCH! It’s next I’m kind of stressing out, brah,” says Lent.

“Do you want a backrub?”

“Yes!” utters Lent excitedly as Exe Cution oils his back and puts the rubdown on him. “Oh yeah, that feels good, keep it up muchacho, oh yeah, you know how I like it. Relaxation is exactly what I need. That druggie butt head girl pants Andy Ridge is going to get his dumb sissy butt kicked, deeper, he is going to try to use ladders to win? Well I’m going to use my smart, sexy, and powerful brain to knock his face off. Oh ship that’s good, oh yes deeper, Andy Ridge is gonna go down and then we will start TAKING THE PAST!” says Lent. “Thanks Exe, it’s time to climb the ladder and keep my title,”

We go back to the ring, which is surrounded by ladders for the 12th ladder match in SSAW history! SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Champion Vio Lent will take on “Mr. Yakuza Kick” Andy Ridge for that great championship which will be hung up 20 feet high! Both participants enter the ring and start kicking the poop out of each other. Out of nowhere a ROLLING ROUNDHOUSE KICK knocks Vio Lent out of the ring and through a ladder, thinking on his feet, Andy Ridge rolls out of the ring and tosses a ladder into the ring, but before he can get in Exe Cution spears the ship out of him.

“SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR!” yells Buackson.

“Oh lord Jesus there’s a SPEAR!” shouts Buackson doing a Jonathon Gold impression.

Exe Cution stands up and smiles at the camera, then all the sudden he starts clutching his chest and he falls to the ground.

--June 4th 2028--
TLC 3
Ryan, Oklahoma

SSAW BACKYARD WARRIOR CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Rip Impact holds the belt tightly to his shoulder as Troy Stone announces him as the champion! The referee is about to ring the bell and kick off this triple threat dark match when David Hart Smith stops him, “NO”, “I want to call someone out here first, the other “David Hart Smith”, his name is Exe Cution. You are an imposter!” exclaims DH Smith!

A ceiling panel starts to loosen from the top of the Super Special Awesome Dome it starts falling, this isn’t the first time this has happened to DH Smith! Davey Richards, the third man in the triple threat kicks the panel out of the sky before it comes crashing down on Smith.

“Third time’s the charm. Do you really think I’d fall for that again, Exe? Whenever I mentioned you before that happened so wouldn’t you think I’d be expecting it this time? You can’t keep me quiet, beach, you just flippin’ can’t. THIS IS THE EDGIEST SHOW ON TV! You think some falling panels will take me down? I have friends who know how to kick em’. Come out here now Plessy v. Ferguson. I’m gonna teach you that separate educational facilities are inherently unequal! By the end of the night THEY WILL CALL ME BROWN VERSES BOARD OF EDUCATION!” warns David Hart Smith!

I’M DAVID HART SMITH

I GO BY EXE CUTION NOW

I’M DAVID HART SMITH

I JUST GO BY EXE CUTION NOW

CANADA

YEAH

CANADA

YEAH

Exe Cution comes down to the ring with a microphone. “Okay, I guess I got some explaining to do, my time of importance in this company is wearing thin, after events happened and the men I was close to disappeared, I’ve pretty much just been getting a pay check for no reason. So I’ll acknowledge you now. I am not an ‘imposter’.

I am a clone of you. That’s what I am. That’s my identity. I was in a test tube once. I was some of your saliva. When you get cancer and die, one of the doctors was a huge fan of you back when you were body slamming both members of KICK, he was obsessed, his favorite wrestler died but he knew of a way to save you. TO SAVE YOU FOREVER. He took some of your spit that he had in his refrigerator, then he tossed the spit into a cloning machine, which he built out of bricks.

That was me in the test tube! I emerged from the brick cloning machine wearing tights and I uttered my first words. I think I said papa. That doctor raised me like a Hart would, like a Smith would. LIKE A DAVID WOULD. He showed me how to do a Sharpshooter, then he showed me how to do a Powerslam. I had all the tools I needed, I knew everything about you. But what would I do with these tools? I knew so much all I could think about was meeting you and becoming tag team partners but you were dead. Then my papa shortly got cancer and died. I was all alone. Then I listened to some Darren Criss song. I realized I didn’t have to be alone.

SO I WENT BACK IN TIME! To April 2nd 2023. I tapped my heels together and believed and the gods rewarded me and sent me there. I was all set I was about to shake hands with you, but you were being carted by on a stretcher. Of all the days I chose to go back in time to I picked the one where you get hit by a car. It was some guy who didn’t like DH Smith who did it.

Then The Rock approached me, he asked me if I could do your moves I said I knew them then he said good cause you look like David Hart Smith so pretend to be him and fight Tri Bute. I said okay. Tri Bute handed my ax to me in that match. I was so dead from all his finishing moves, so he decided to put a piece of tape on my head. It made me his slave. My soul was slowly sucked away, it had a different effect on me, it was different than Vio Lent. I aged incredibly quickly; I started to look less David Hart Smith more Ludvig Bortega. And the worst part was I didn’t make it into the NFL.

Hold on.

Sorry, the worst part was I couldn’t control my actions. I couldn’t confess to you that I was you. But Tri Bute can’t tell me what to do anymore. I was afraid to tell you the truth until now, I thought you wouldn’t believe me,” explained Cution.

“So, we are one in the same?” asks Smith.

“Yes,”

A long moment passes slowly. Smith grabs Exe Cution and pulls him in for a little “over 5 years in the making” hug. “Welcome to the family, Cution,” says David Hart Smith. Exe Cution begins to tear up. “Now, how would you like to fight in a match with me, and against me? You’re a former champion, if you’re me, why don’t you join our match and make it a 4-Way for the title? That’s cool with you guys, right? It’ll be friendly competition!” says Smith.

“The more the merrier!” says Impact and Richards at the same time. “Jinx, silly,” says Impact as he tickles Richards, “You owe me a coke!”

David looks at Cution and waits for his answer, Cution wipes some tears away and nods! The title match is now a 4-Way and the match then begins. All was well.

WERP WERP WERP WERP

“Cution wake up,” says Vio Lent as he shakes his manager, “I just lost the title, you were suppose to be helping me win not taking a flippin’ nap, I am so pee’d off at you!” Lent starts pouting as we head backstage!

Francis Barbecue is about to eat a steak but then Papa Barbecue walks in. “What the flip is this Franny? I’ll whip you. PUT DOWN THE STEAK YOU HAVE A FLIPPING MATCH NEXT. Were you planning on pulling a Gene or something? Do you want to throw up all over the ring?” asks Papa Barbecue.

“It’s not what it looks like! I was just smelling it!”

“Yeah right, do you think I was born yesterday? I’LL KICK YER ACE FRANNY!”

“Please don’t call me Franny, that’s a girl name,” pleads Franny.

“I WILL CALL YOU WHAT I WANT TO CALL YOU. You better make me proud and become the first double champion. TONIGHT you better beat JBC or yer gonna have a sore ace,” threatens Papa. “Now get out there! AND IF I EVER CATCH YOU EATING BEFORE A MATCH that will be the end of ya SON.”

Franny follows his orders and goes out to face John Boy Corbett IN OUR MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!

“The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the SSAW GLOBAL WARRIOR CHAMPIONSHIP, it is our main event!” announces Troy Stone.

I AM A COWBOY

I LOVE RODEOS

I AM A COWBOY

I MILK COWS

I AM A COWBOY

I LIKE MIELY CYRUS

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW

I AM A COW

BOY

COW

BOY

MOTHER TRUCKER ER ER ER ER ER

“Now making his way to the ring, he is the SSAW GLOBAL WARRIOR CHAMPION “Bear Skin” “The Manliest Man In Sports Entertainment” John Boy Corrrrrrrrrrrbett!” says Troy Stone, making sure that he rolls his ‘r’s.

“The champion is coming out first? That’s so dumb!” says Buackson doing his impression of Gold.

“Quit beaching, grievous are you on your pyramid or something? I didn’t know it was the 18th already!” says Buackson back at himself.

Franny also gets introduced for the match, and so it begins! 25 minutes of wall-to-wall action, Franny and John Boy traded swag Russian Leg Sweeps for a few minutes but out of nowhere JBC switched it up and hit a German Suplex. Franny kicked out at two and immediately sprung to his feet! He followed up with several clubby blows to the chest the hit a ROARING GERMAN SUPLEX! He DOESN’T go for the pin! Instead he locks in the Barbemission (Tazzmission).

“Barbiemission? Is he going to the mall or something to get some make-up?” asks Buack.

Corbett is about to tap but instead he grabs a rope forcing the referee to break it up! Franny starts arguing with Elder Justice when JBC hits The Corbett Report (ROLLING CLOSELINE TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD) to Franny. He goes for the pin

1…

2….

“HE KICKED OUT! THAT’S THE FIRST TIME EVER! GREVIOUS CRISP!” exclaims Buackson!

John Boy Corbett says that cowboy thing that cowboys say, the thing in his theme song, you know, then he hoists Franny up for The Horseshoe Toss (Spinning Fallaway Slam) and hits him with it for the 3 to retain the championship! John Boy helps Franny to his feet and they shake hands. THEN ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT!

“The lights are off! Oh no!” screams Buackson!

The tron starts lighting up and flashing, and crop. Then OUT OF NOWHERE A CHAIR DROPS FROM THE RAFTERS. The camera pans up to see who dropped it, but a figure moves away before we can get a good look at him.

JBC bends down and looks at the chair, then he turns it over and a nail is sticking out of it!

“A Nail Chair? That’s the signature weapon of…” his voice trails off and on cue, the tron stops flashing and shows a wall covered with blood, the splotches of chicken blood spelled out a message intended for the SSAW Global Warrior Champion.

“Her skeleton will remain in the chamber forever, oh and I’m coming back at the next show to fight you for the belt,” read the bloody message.

“Oh ship. That’s big, this is huge, the return of “Murder, Kill, Death” Cactus Flanders, “That Nail Chair Wielding Mother Flipper”, is coming back at Valentine’s Day Massacre 3, February 14th, 2024. It’s been over a year sense we’ve seen his gruesome, limb hacking, deathly murder killer face. AND HE’S COMING BACK WITH A VENGEANCE, he wants JBC who is still Global Warrior champion after ending his glorious reign in HECK IN A CELL. We’ll probably never have another one of those.

There was so much wreckage so much near-death murder happenings of near-death murder swag. At the end Flanders laid broken through a glass table with thumbtacks in his left leg, and regular tacks in his right. His neck was broken and his heart stopped beating for 10 minutes. It was the greatest triumph in John Boy’s life, but now the demon is back and unleashed. Next month we see their greatest showdown yet. Yes, it is Corbett verses Flanders eight, not sure which Star Wars movie that is, but it’s two after Return of The Jedi. Right, Flanders v. Corbett Episode VIII: The Unstoppable Entity of Righteous Death Serum, on Pay-per-view,” breathes Buackson, clearly awed at the superultraclashswagyolo that will happen next month.

John Boy Corbett starts crying as all his painful memories and nightmares appear before his eyes and the scene fades to black.



1/8/24

Last night’s SSAW PPV, was, really flippin’ swag. Buy the replay. CACTUS FLANDERS IS BACK, I’m gonna wink all flippin’ day now, holy ship.

Sabin said in an interview that being a mime is cool yada yada,

Still haven’t seen Master Satriani around, hopefully he’s dead he can’t wrestle for butt. Headlock as a finisher? Tapped out 420 guys with it? Screams jobber joke all over it.

I thought the ladder match was going to be match of the night, but only the live crowd got to see that, whatever, we got a Exe Cution, flash forward? I thought that show was cancelled decades ago.



1/54/24

SSAW committed some more murders apparently due to the stone chair shot on their programming. To bad they don’t all go to Judge Sapphire, because he is my boy and he always strikes them down since they are so silly.

Seriously the whole point of TV is to be as edgy as possible, remember when Edge flipped that girl on WWE TV and we got to see a bobby pin? That was edgy SSAW are trying to bring the Attitude Era back, so what if a few kids die every month.


1/105/24

Valentine’s Day Massacre 3 is just fourteen days away! Holy butt, “That Nail Chair Mo’suckra” is back with killing on the mind. He’s gonna shatter some skulls. STACKED CARD

SSAW Global Warrior Championship – 8th Time In Your Lifetime, Probably More, Singles Match
John Boy Corbett vs. Cactus Flanders

They are saying the show will be available in 503 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
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