Re: 13 Years In, Over 7976 To Go
MY WORLD IS OVER
IT HURTS, MY ARM HURTS LIKE HECK!
The Rock has given me the rest of the year off to heal up. But after that your world comes to an end. 2024 is the year of THE FUTURE WARRIOR!
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
After 7 years, Sumo wrestling the ship out of a bunch of suicidal Japanese, I have returned to SSAW and I’m here to reclaim my spot as the biggest bad butt in this flippin’ hood!
You have been forewarned!,
“The Master of Satriani” Master Satriani “The Sumo Warrior”
WELCOME TO THE SMACKDOWN HOTEL
The main event of this show will be really swag, the guy who is a legend in Japan, Master Satriani will get a title belt shot at JBC, jabroni!
IF YOU SMELL WHAT DA ROCK IS COOKIN,
“The People’s Super Awesome Comish” The Rock “The Most Electrifying Man In Sports Entertainment”
It is just so hard to stay mad at Mr. Buackson. He was so persistent and caring. He visited me in the hospital every day and brought me freshly baked cookies while I was recouping from my fall. Once I could walk again he took me to the beach for a celebratory picnic. Champagne, caviar, fried chicken, and love, it was the best picnic ever.
Christmas At Ground Zero 2
December 3rd 2023
The Other Super Special Awesome Dome, New York, New York and broadcasted across the globe in 427 languages and American dialects!
“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac defeated Amazing Halo after hitting Gemini To Sleep (Go To Sleep) and getting the three in the dark match.
In our opening contest, Neil Furious and Hammer Maniac faced off against “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe and “Stardust” Mark Briscoe. Neil Furious started off for his team and did submission moves. Jay Briscoe was about to tap but instead he thumbed Neil in the eye and tagged in Mark who was a house on fire. Or of fire whatever. He kicked Neil in the face really hard knocking him into his corner and Hammer was tagged in. They started trading punches but the fans were clearly on Hammer’s side because they said yay when he punched Mark and boo when Mark punched Hammer. It was just like a real wrestling show. HAMMER THEN HIT A ROLLING ELBOW.
NO! GOSH NO! HE KICKED OUT! WIZARD GOD NO!
“Mark hasn’t got all his ship in yet!” says Buackson.
Mark hits like 12 elbows to the face of Hammer then hits him with an Enziguri followed by a Super Kick while he was on his knees. Mark goes to the top rope and does Shooting Stardust (Shooting Star Press) but Maniac rolls out of the way just in time. He locks in the ManiacLock (Hammer Lock) and then Neil rolls into the ring and hits Mark with a Super Kick while Hammer hits a ManiacLock Suplex (Hammer Lock Suplex) into a bridge, before the referee counts the pin Furious grabs Mark’s legs and locks in the Furious Crab (Walls of Jericho (Boston Crab)). Mark taps and Technical Disator picks up their first tag team victory against the former champs!
“They may have a very bright future in SSAW after that!” says Gold.
We head backstage
“Nah, Tri Bute says that won’t happen,” says Exe Cution (David Hart Smith).
“It wouldn’t be the first time he was wrong,” snaps back Vio Lent (Tyler Black).
Ozzy Chase walks by but notices Lent and passes him a note and says it’s from The Rock.
Big surprise after your match, which is next. By the way if you are caught cheating in that match, you will be disqualified,” reads Lent.
“Yep, he’s a dumbo don’t worry about it. BTDUBS after I beat that nerd we are gonna tape him so HARD. Then he’ll be all ours. Exe, get ready, BECAUSE TONIGHT WE ARE TAKING THE PAST!” declares Lent!
“Taking The Past? Oh I get it. That’s what we should call our cool stable, or is it like a catchphrase?”
Vio Lent and Exe Cution high five.
LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE
AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL
SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER
NO ONE CONDEMING YOU
LINED UP LIKE LEMMINGS YOU
LED TO THE WATER
“I bring you pain, the kind you can’t suffer quietly,” says Zack Sabre Jr. as he locks in a Coquina Clutch on Vio Lent. Lent verbally submits but it doesn’t count because the match didn’t start yet. Exe Cution stomps on Sabre’s head to break up the submission move and then Cution and Lent start beating the crop out of him.
“This is why you don’t stoop to their level Zacky!” says Buackson.
“When you fight fire with fire, you get burned!” says Gold.
Cution and Lent take Zack to the ring, stopping every five steps to do a bunch of stiff slaps to the face. Eventually they toss him into the ring, Lent rollins and the match begins. Lent hits a ROLLING BIG BOOT followed by a ROLLING KNOCKOUT PUNCH. He goes for a pin but Zacky kicks out at two! Vio Lent locks in a chokehold but since Zack is a submission expert he breaks out of it and chops the butt out of Vio. Vio and Zack immediately start trading kicks. After about forty-five kicks each they both reach into their trucks and pull out a feather.
“Hold on, are they both going to use advanced fighting techniques from the future?” asks Gold.
“Maybe Vio will get a….um…tickle of his own medicine!” says Buack. Gold laughs at that for some reason.
Vio and Zack go back and forth as they circle the ring and leap towards each other and try to tickle fight. After a few minutes of them circling the ring and almost touching the other with the feather, the referee gets irritated and takes both feathers away, he says that they aren’t allowed because they are foreign objects.
“He’s got a point they have proved to be lethal in the past,”
Vio and Zack start trading kicks again, until Vio hits a good kick and takes Zack down. Vio pins him for the three to win the match and retain the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship.
“As it seems without a shadow of a doubt, Vio Lent has beaten Zack in a fair fight and truly deserves to be the champ,” says Buack.
“Hold him down Exe! It’s tape time brah!” orders Lent. Exe Cution handcuffs Zack to the bottom rope and then reaches into his pocket and pulls out some masking tape. He hands it to Lent. Lent takes some lent off of it. He is about to stick it to Sabre’s forehead when.
“Andy Ridge is back mo’suckra!” says Buackson!
Vio expects him to come down the ramp but instead Ridge jumps him from behind and hits a double stomp to his back. Then he hits a Yakuza Kick to Cution. Ridge picks up a microphone.
“Don’t worry Sabre, I’ll let you out of those cuffs in a second. So? How did you guys like that? I came back from rehab from my drinking problem, tonight, AND I TOTALLY WHOOPED SOME BUTT. Pretty good for someone who does heroine and crack, right?
But yeah, I’m clean now; literally I just got out of the shower and put on my trunks. Laugh out loud. So any way, Vio Lent! You’ve been calling me names long enough. So I told The Rock that I wanted to have my first match back be a good one. So he was like, how about a Ladder Match? I was all like that’s swag man kk against Vio for the belt right and he was all if he walks out with it and I was all like tight brah, at Eternal Suffrage 2 right? He was like it’s actually called Eternal Suffering 2, but yeah. So I WAS LIKE send him a vague memo and he was like AIGH’T,” says Ridge and there you have it I guess.
Ridge unlocks the handcuffs for Zack Sabre Jr. and they celebrate and head to the back.
Backstage, Kyle O’Reilly and Mild Walsh are chillin’.
“I’m a sports agent Ky-Ky. It’s my job,” says Walsh.
“I know but, we are bad guys now. It’s time to be tough. Remember Jagged?” asks O’Reilly
“Yes, he’s a beach, now get ready for your match, I’m a sports agent goshdarnit,” demands Walsh.
“Okay what?” asks Walsh
“Okay, sir,” retorts O’Reilly.
O’Reilly puts on wrist tape and rubs oil on his chest.
I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED
OF A FAR-OFF PLACE
WHERE A GREAT WARM WELCOME
WILL BE WAITING FOR ME
WHERE THE CROWDS WILL CHEER
WHEN THEY SEE MY FACE
AND A VOICE KEEPS SAYING
THIS IS WHERE I’M MEANT TO BE
I’M A HEEL
AND I’M TAKE
I DON’T FEEL AT ALL
SO FEAR ME
“Oh, great it’s that dumb beach Ky-Ky,” says Gold.
“I hate that guy,” says Buack.
Kyle O’Reilly comes out of back and the crowd starts throwing trash at Kyle because he is a bad guy. Mild Walsh comes out with him and he is smoking a cigar. A little kid gives him a bad way so he blows smoke in his face. Kyle O runs the ropes while TJP enters and his song plays. I don’t really feel like putting the lyrics in all caps right now.
They trade kicks as the bell rings but after a minute or so Kyle dodges one and hits a German Suplex, Kyle poses and spits on TJP’s face. TJP punches Kyle really good in the leg and starts doing a bunch of flippy moves and kicks Kyle a few times too. TJP is about to hit a Shooting Star Piledriver but the time limit expires and the match is a draw. TJP goes to shake hands with Kyle but since he is a bad guy now he kicks TJP in the face and punches him three times in the leg. Mild Walsh enters with a microphone.
“TJP doesn’t shake hands with dumbos, I’m gonna tell you this, I think you’re dumb and stupid!” says Walsh as he dishes out high fives.
GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS
SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS
Jagged rolls into the ring and chases off both men before they could continue the verbal berating of TJP. Walsh and Kyle shouts curse you to Jagged while they run up the ramp and shake their fists.
“Thank you for saving me Jagged!” breathes TJP, he can barely get the words out due to his brutal beating.
“No problem, all in a days work, brah,” Jagged smiles at TJP and helps him to his feet.
“Don’t you just love happy endings Buack,” says Gold.
“I like it more when they all die at the end actually, but don’t worry, the show isn’t over yet so there is still time for that!” says Buackson.
We head backstage where The Natural Born Grillers (Francis Barbecue and Gene Barbecue) are flipping burgers with a spatula instead of a wiener. Papa Barbecue walks in and the two stop that crop.
“Boys, were you trying to give the burger an organism or something?” says Papa.
“Um…no, we were um,”
“Trying to procreate, with it or something,”
“Well, then you’d have to use an actual wiener, like this,” says Papa Barbecue as he reaches into his pants and reveals his wiener. It is quite large. His sons are amazed as he pokes the wiener through the burger. “There you have it, I have made the burger into a Hot Dog Burger, using my wiener,” declares Papa Barbecue. The Natural Born Grillers clap for this brilliant new invention.
“Now boys you got a match next, so you can’t be eating right now, you’ll throw up again,” says Papa
“No buts, go defend the belts now, I’ll be rooting for you,” says Papa Barbecue fatherly. Francis and Gene pout as they head to the ring followed by their dad.
The SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships are on the line, “Too Sauce To Handle” Gene Barbecue and “A1” Francis Barbecue take on the team of Lighting In The Jungle which is “Mysterious” Ern Mystery and “Speedy” Marcus Speed. Both teams fought long and fought hard.
It was a really cool match. The Natural Born Grillers retained when they hit “More Sauce For Your Steak” to Ern Mystery, which is when Gene hits a steamroller to an opponent onto Francis’ knees. The grillers celebrate.
The main event of the evening was next, SSAW Global Warrior Champion “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett faced off against “The Master of Satriani”…Master Satriani. Satriani used his sumo moves against JBC and knocked him out of the ring. He started celebrating but the referee told him it wasn’t a sumo match. This made Satriani mad so he power bombed the referee. Master Satriani and John Boy started brawling all over the place. Then they start trading stone chair shots and the body counts just keep rising and rising.
“34 kids have died using stone chairs during this match, and it hasn’t even aired in the West coast yet!” shouts Buackson.
“I hate it when kids die! This is sad to me!” says Gold.
“Don’t get peey, Gold,”
“Don’t tell me what to do. I’m an adult,” says Gold as he crosses his arms and pouts.
Master Satriani hits a Tombstone Piledriver through a table then rolls JBC into the ring. He goes for a pin and another referee runs in from the back (the 1st one got power bombed).
“OH FLIP HE KICKED OUT!”
Master Satriani starts punching JBC in the face repeatedly, then he starts slapping him. Master Satriani takes off his headband and starts head butting JBC’s arm. The referee checks JBC’s pulse and he is still alive. Master Satriani locks in the Headlock of Deathlock (Headlock) the referee frantically checks JBC’s pulse again.
“NOT THIS WAY Master Satriani has put away 430 wrestlers with this hold and no one has even broke out of it, EVER, we will have a new SSAW Global Warrior champ. If JBC doesn’t tap, he will surely die!” explains Gold.
The crowd gets behind JBC and starts clapping for his comeback! Somehow JBC is able to fight to his feet and hit a backbreaker. Then JBC hits The Horseshoe Toss (Spinning Fallaway Slam) to get the three.
“Holy ship! He’s done it. He will go down in history as the 1st person to ever break out of the Headlock of Deathlock!” says Buackson.
“Further proof that when there’s odds that need defying, well, um, “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett is someone you can count on to follow through,” says Gold.
John Boy Corbett picks up a microphone and starts talking into it. “Everyone give a big hand to my opponent who came all the way from Japan to fight me hard. We had a great match and it was almost worth all those children losing their lives and dieing,” says Corbett.
The crowd claps for Master Satriani and JBC extends his hand to “The Master of Satriani”, Satriani take the hand and shakes it. THEN MASTER SATRIANI KICKS JBC IN THE BALLS.
“What a price! Who’d kick a guy in the dock?” asks Gold.
“There are a lot of aceholes, Jonathon,” says Buackson.
Master Satriani kicks JBC while he is on the ground and laughs as the scene fades to black.
LATER THAT EVENING
“What happened,” says somebody in Japanese.
“You’re dead,” says a voice.
The guy who said what happened in Japanese starts looking around, he tries to stand up but soon realizes he is tied to a chair that is bolted to the ground.
“Okay, well you’re not really dead, I’m just trying to teach you a lesson, Satriani, don’t mess with my man or there will be trouble,” says the voice.
Then there is a gunshot sound.
“Like trouble with guns,” says the voice again as the scene fades to black.
The Japanese guy apparently disappeared after the PPV ended last night. It may have been the Yakuza!
Chris Sabin has finished mime school he will be working the Vegas Strip pretty soon. When asked to comment on if he misses wrestling Sabin said, “Not really, ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a mime because they get mad Plessy v. Ferguson. I’m all about separate but equal, not in the racist way though, like MLK is a great guy who is dead. But I mean, well, when you’re a mime people aren’t always like “hit this guy with a stone chair” they are nice instead, and well I like that I guess,”
TJP was hit by a car after the PPV and may be out of action for a year. He was trying to remember what he was strolling along and it came out of nowhere. This gave a clue at TJP’s identity, he is anonymous after all.
It is X-Mas and SSAW is doing a “Super Special Awesome Omega Sale” on DVDs. SSAW Revolution is only 11$ which is super cheap for the newest mdickie game.
More children ages 9 to 11 have died after receiving SSAW DVDs where there were stone chair shots. The body count is over 300 now, this may be the most murders SSAW committed at once. Experts are predicting that this will end up like 9/11 times 4000. Yes, 3,644,00.
Judge Sapphire has ruled on several of the murders committed by SSAW. They have been innocent so far. When SSAW were asked about this they said, “We don’t care about the families of the victims, we are an edgy program,”
Eternal Suffering 2 is just seven days away and we are 1 away from 2024. Trust me, the card is so flipping full of crazy swag you couldn’t even believe it’s only 90$
SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship – Ladder Match – The Biggest Lightweight Match In Wrestling History of Ever
Vio Lent © vs. Andy Ridge
They are saying the show will be available in 478 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!