Re: 13 Years In, Over 7976 To Go
(Aw, thanks for your kind words sweetie)
I have to face a man who cannot bleed. In a first blood match. Butt.
Well it was fun while it lasted,
“Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett
I fooled all of you guys, didn’t I? Kyle and I are the smartest guys in all of SSAW, we play mind games and we don’t book Davey Richards in our indy company because he’s a jerk.
The Rock gave Ky-Ky the day off but you can expect to see us in some capacity.
“The Agent” Mild Walsh
The voices are reaching out to me, they are telling me what to do.
It’s peeing me off, they want me to kill again. They want me to take out another legend.
THOSE VOICES, REACHING OUT.
La la la la laaa
I’M POINTING AT THE SIGN, WHERE ARE MY FIREWORKS?
I’ll kick him I’ll kick Jagged in the head.
666 MURDA MURDA JESUS
“The Viper” Randy Orton “The Legend Killer”
My rematch is tonight, I get another shot at the Lightweight title. That referee last time was dumb, it doesn't count if you tap while you’re touching the ropes whatever, that futuristic submission move has nothing on me now, I found out how to apply it to myself and I've been torturing myself with it ever since, I am immune it doesn't hurt me any more. I’ve also watched Star Wars Episode XII: The Ewok King, about 50 times, the part where Darth Kwoe goes into the time-defying time portal to the year 10010 and learns about the culture there has taught me all I need to know to beat you thick skinned freaks. I sent my copy to JBC hopefully he puts it to good use.
Zack Sabre Jr.
It is so great to be from the future. NEW CHAMPION, and I’ll take my sweet time too. I’ll torture him with every advanced future fighting technique I know, especially the one where I tickle your belly, beat the crop out of him with a stone chair. Marvelous victory! There is a reason they call me “The Future Warrior”, there is a reason I won the best title in the history of time 8000 times.
I WIN BIG MATCHES
THAT’S MY THING
I CAN’T BLEED!
Johnny gets the crimson mask! I AM THE MASTER!
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Open The Awesome Gate 4
November 5th 2023
The Super Special Awesome Dome, Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe, in 398 languages and American dialects.
“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac d. “The Arab Destroyer” Gama Singh Jr. after hitting a Jumping Rest In Pieses (Jumping Tombstone Piledriver) in the dark match.
“The show tonight is going to be totally awesome!” says Buackson.
“You said it Johnny, BTDUBS I love the new last name, is it still pronounced Buckson?”
“Yes, but that’s not important, I’m scared, if JBC can’t make Tri Bute bleed tonight”, Buackson’s voice trailed off.
“IT MAY BE THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT,” shouts Gold.
We go backstage with “The Agent” Mild Walsh and “Never Forget” Kyle O’Reilly, Walsh says that they are just here TO WASTE THE FANS TIME. Walsh started saying that “The Legend Killer” Randy Orton was a cool guy but Kyle shushed him and says that’s a surprise.
In our opening contest “The Mysterious” Ern Mystery and Marcus Speed, the team called Lightning In The Jungle, faced off against “The Original” Chucky Blaze and the SSAW Backyard Warrior Champion Frightmare. The veterans were in control for most of the match but then Marcus Speed hit a low blow to the champ and tagged in Ern, who was distracting the referee. Lightning In The Jungle started hitting a bunch of really cool moves like a Shooting Star Sentons and Swantom Bombs and Hurricanranas. They hit stereo Front Flip Dropkicks to Frightmare and Blaze, then they both did Springboard 630s to get the three. After the match they spit on the veteran wrestlers. Chucky Blaze and Frightmare got mad and chased them to the back.
We head backstage.
“So I heard that nerd was watching The Ewok King over and over. What a nerdo” says Exe Cution (David Hart Smith), to his best friend Vio Lent (Tyler Black).
“Yeah, he’s one dumb nobody flipper. HE THINKS he can get a one up on us by watching science fiction!? The Ewok King isn’t even accurate; it’s just dumbo Star Wars nonsense. I CAN’T wait to kick that nerdo’s tiny dumb butt,” rants Vio Lent.
“Dude, you’re like the best in the tri-galaxy besides Tri Bute. You can do anything. I bet you don’t even need your advanced techniques from the future to beat this butt trumpet girl pants loser,” says Exe Cution.
“Here’s the plan, I beat up stupid head Zack and keep my belt. Then we watch the main event and Tri Bute kick JBC’s country b-u-t-t. Then we can partaaay with both the belts at Round Table Pizza and drink all the Pepsi products we can handle!” says Vio Lent.
Exe Cution and Vio Lent hook arms and head to the ring the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship Match is next!
PUSH ME IF YOU THINK I GIVE A DANG
YOU GOT THE WRONG IDEA MAN
THINK I CAN’T HOLD MY OWN?
I DON’T NEED HER
I DON’T NEED ANYBODY
Zack Sabre Jr. does that Rey Mysterio thing and jumps out of the stage it is really cool but then Vio Lent attacks him from behind and hits Sabre with the lightweight belt. Vio Lent spits in the air then gives the crowd double in a bad ways. Lent picks up Sabre and leads him to the ring.
“Lent is going HAM on this mo’ suckra!” shouts Buackson!
Lent hits a Spinebuster to Zack on the apron, then rolls him into the ring. The bell tolls and makes the match official. Lent immediately goes for the feather, he takes it out of his tights and starts tickling his opponent’s tummy.
“OH NOSE! This has taken out Zacky in the past!” says Gold.
“It could be the end here!” shouts Buackson.
Zack doesn’t even laugh and then kicks Lent really hard in the face. Then he picks Lent up and hits a Jumping Piledriver for a nearfall.
“Zack escaped Tickle Torture? How? That’s one of Vio’s advanced maneuvers from the future!” asks Gold.
“Didn’t you read Zack’s diary? He said he’s been watching Star Wars and tickling himself to build an immunity to it!” says Buackson.
Zack hits Lent with a Curb Stomp onto the bottom turnbuckle, then locks in a Surfboard. After a few moments Zack throws him backwards onto his head. Then Zack puts him in The Walls of Sabre (Boston Crab) but Lent gets the ropes and the referee pulls Zack off of him. Exe Cution hands Lent a stone chair and he hits Zack over the head with it for the DQ!
“Great! More kids die now and Lent keeps the title! That’s incredible!” says Buackson excitedly!
“Vio Lent is a meano screwing over Sabre like that!” says Gold in disagreement.
“I know I was just being random,” says Buackson. Gold almost hangs himself.
Lent runs away with the belt and laughs at Sabre.
I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD
BLAH BLAH BLAH
THEY TALK TIMMY
THEY TALK TIMMY
THEY TELL ME THINGS THAT I SHOULD DO
LIKE WHAT I PUT IN A SHOE
THEY TALK TIMMY
“The Viper” Randy Orton hits the ring and gets a microphone.
“I am Randy Orton,” he says. He starts making weird faces into the camera and licking his lips. “And I kill legends!” Randy throws the microphone into the crowd and starts rolling around on the ground. Then I think he realized he still needed the microphone so he rolled out of the ring and tried to get it back. The fan that caught it wouldn’t give it up so Randy shouted “JAGGED IT’S TIME TO FIGHT NOW” and rolled into the ring. “The King of The Cage” Jagged ran down the ramp and rolled into the ring and the match kicked off. The match consisted of Orton hitting Closelines and Bodyslams to Jagged and while he is getting up from them lining up for the punt. Jagged dodged the first six, but on the 7th attempt, Jagged still dodged it but Randy kicked the rope instead, Jagged tried to rollup Randy but he kicked out at dos.
“What a competitive match up so far” says Buackson.
“I think it’s pretty cool,” says Gold.
“Your opinion is always one that I treasure!” says Buackson.
While the commentators had their little moment, Randy hit the punt, but it knocked Jagged out of the ring. Randy started doing his thing where he pounds the mat while Jagged is getting up. The referee got to a count of 7 before Jagged got up but out of nowhere Kyle O’Reilly attacked Jagged with a Rolling Big Boot. Instead of disqualifying Randy the official kept the count going and Jagged was counted out. Orton celebrated while O’Reilly rolled Jagged into the ring. Orton stated stalking his prey and when Jagged got up he hit him with a RKO.
Kyle rolled into the ring and started stomping on Jagged’s back and then picked him up and hit a German Suplex then rolled through and hit a Dragon Suplex. Kyle and Randy Orton spit on Jagged and then highfived.
“I guess O’Reilly and Orton are friends now?” asks Gold.
“That doesn’t make sense! Kyle O’Reilly is arguably a bigger legend in SSAW than Jagged is. Why would Orton be friends with him?” retorts Buackson.
“Orton’s crazy though so sometimes he does silly stuff” says Gold.
Orton and O’Reilly walk off to the back when The Briscoe Brother’s music starts playing. “Stardust” Mark Briscoe takes a microphone.
“The Rock says that we don’t have opponents tonight, that’s flipin’ lame. WE’RE FIGHTING CHAMPIONS, our belts WILL go on the line tonight I PROMISE. TWO TOUGH CHUMPS BETTA COME OUT HERE. Then a STEEL CAGE’ll lower from da sky and we’ll fight to see who da betta men are,” he shouts.
“Wow a Steel Cage Match and a First Blood Match tonight! The fans are in for a treat!” says Gold.
“That is if any team has a big enough wiener to accept this challenge,” says Buackson
I LOVE STEAK
I LOVE SAUCE
OH FLIP THIS BAR-BE-CUE IS HASS!
“OH FLIP YES” says Buackson!
“IT’S THEM THEY’RE BACK”
“THE BEST MOTHERFLIPPERS ARE MOTHERFLIPPING BACK”
“I JUS CAN’T BELIEVE MY GOSHFORSAKIN’ EYES!”
“SOME KIND OF HARMONY IS ON THE RISE GOLD, BAH GOSH”
Francis Barbecue and Gene Barbecue attack The Briscoes from behind! Their punches barely make contact with them but it is still really cool. Then the steel cage starts to lower. Gene Barbecue starts puking all over the ring but The Briscoes don’t let up, “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe slips in the barf but hits a double closeline to the Barbecue Brothers. Francis Barbecue takes most of the beating for the rest of the match since Gene is ill, I guess. The Briscoes hit a double big boot to Francis and then pinned him but he kicked out at two. The Briscoes tried to pick Francis up to his feet but he hits a double low blow and then a double DDT. Then he puts “Stardust” onto his shoulders and climbs to the top of the cage.
“He could kill “Stardust” Mark Briscoe! DON’T JUMP!” says Buackson.
Francis hits a Steamroller from the top of the cage into a pin for three to make The Natural Born Grillers, Gene Barbecue and Francis Barbecue, the new SSAW Word Double Bed Warrior Champions!
The Rock is backstage in his office and he is drawling a picture of a frog. It’s quite good and I like his use of cross-hatching. There is a knock on the door and The Rock tells them to come in.
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior” enters.
“Welcome to the SMACKDOWN HOTEL jabroni!”
“You are bugging me what do you want Rock, I have a match to prepare for if you don’t mind?” asks “The Future Warrior” Tri Bute.
“I wanted to tell you that I changed the match a bit, you see I like to treat my wrestlers like I treat my drawings” says “The People’s Champion” The Rock, “Each wrestler is like a piece of art, Butey, look how colorful it is, do you like that?”
“No” says Tri Bute, “I think pictures are dumb, they aren’t around in the future because they are lame.”
“The People’s Super Awesome Comish” The Rock, is taken aback. “Well, whatever, I just called you in here to tell you that since you can’t bleed a first blood match isn’t really that fair, but since we already advertised the butt out of that match I can’t really just change it. So I’m adding a stipulation, if you lose you cannot face JBC again for the title during this reign. Butey, this is your last chance,” says The Rock
Tri Bute just walks away, “The Arabian Destroyer” Gama Singh Jr. walks by, but Tri Bute grabs him by the neck and hits Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam). Tri Bute spits on Jr. and flashes him double in a bad ways.
“I can’t think of a single way Tri Bute can lose anyway, Goldie, why did he have to show that kind of aggression to some kid who just walks by like that,” asks Buackson.
“Well, Buack, Tri Bute is a muti-time universe champion, for all we know that loser disrespected Tri Bute. I think what we really need to focus on is that if JBC doesn’t find a way to conquer the beast, slay the monster, battle darken-,”
“Yeah, he’s got to man up because pretty much right now he faces the greatest evil force to ever set foot in SSAW since “Murder, Kill, Death” Cactus Flanders,”
“If he doesn’t win tonight, it’s pretty much the end of days”
IT’S A HUMAN SIGN
WHEN THINGS GO WRONG
WHEN THE SCENT OF HER LINGERS
AND THE TEMPTATION’S STRONG
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
LET THE BODIES HIT THE
A casket decorated with purple skulls and blood lowers from the rafters, once the casket touches the ground the chain that lowered the casket drops off too.
TAKE MY LOVE
TAKE MY LAND
TAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT STAND
I DON’T CARE
I’M STILL FREE
YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME
The casket opens and “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior” steps out of the casket with a microphone.
“Tonight IS THE NIGHT
HOLD ON TIGHT
THIS IS THE DREAM
IT’S ALL I NEED,” sings Tri Bute. “Do you guys like that little ditty? That’s the kind of crop John Boy Corbett listens to on his ICow while he milks it and whistles. Yeah he listens to Miley Cyrus. And you guys still like him? Why? She’s like 40 years old, her acting is annoying as flip COME ON,” rants Tri Bute.
“I deserve her fame and I deserve her glory. Did you here my singing? I rocked the crop out of those four lines. Maybe I got part of the song wrong lyrics wise, but that was probably an improvement anyway. I WIN BIG MATCHES! That’s what I came here to do tonight. I will be the best champion there ever was. I CAN’T LOSE! In fac-,”
I AM A COWBOY
I LOVE DA RODEO
I AM A COWBOY
MILKIN’ MY ICOW’S ALLS I NOSE
I AM A COWBOY
MILEY CYRUS IS SWART
I AM A COWBOY
AND MY HORSIE IS PET ART
John Boy Corbett walks out onto the ramp, but all the sudden he is attacked from behind by Vio Lent and Exe Cution who knock him to the ground.
“Laugh out loud,” laughs Tri Bute, “Did you think I didn’t have Reinforcement of The Army down or something? I always run that ship”.
Vio Lent and Exe Cution drag Johnny to the ring and roll him in. The referee rings the bell. Tri Bute immediately picks him up and hits Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam).
“Are you okay Mr. Snorbett (BURN!~)? ARE YOU FLIPPING OKAY?” asks Butey. Tri Bute slaps JBC while he’s down. “MINIONS! NOW!” Vio Lent and Exe Cution roll into the ring, Cution stands JBC up on his knees while Vio smacks him with the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship. Cution lets him fall and then locks in a Sharpshooter. John Boy yells out in pain, Tri Bute rolls out of the ring and picks up a bowl and a spoon. Tri Bute sets the bowl in front of JBC. “You aren’t that bad of a guy JBC, you’re just a stepping stone on my way to the top, so since this match is one of the easiest victories in my career, I decided to thank you with a nice chicken noodle soup I made you, go on try it,” pleads Tri Bute.
But before JBC can take a spoonful, Lent dunks his head into the bowl and Cution starts using a rope for leverage. “Let him out Exe,” Cution releases the hold. “Now put him on my shoulders,” Vio Lent and Exe Cution lift JBC and put him on “The Future Warrior’s” shoulders. Tri Bute hits JBC with an Attitude Adjustment but onto the top rope instead of the mat.
“Royal Tri Bute, Tri Bute is just toying with our champion. And the worst part is, he has nothing to lose,” says Buackson.
“Have you ever been marooned John Boy? Have you ever been left behind on a deserted planet?” asks Tri Bute, “No you haven’t, you’re just a country boy who grew up on the farm shooting wombats and bears, you milked cows and listened to Miley Cyrus throughout your lame teen hood. Vio Lent, bring him back in the ring,”
Vio Lent follows his orders and rolls JBC back into the ring. Tri Bute snaps his fingers giving Exe Cution the signal to Powerslam the referee. Tri Bute takes a pocketknife out of his hot pink tights. He taps John Boy’s right hand middle finger with it, and leaves a cut. It starts bleeding, but the referee can’t see it since he got powerslammed.
“That’s how easy it is. If I hadn’t saved you there, the belt would have been mine. That’s way too easy though. I need to give you a thorough butt kicking. Lent, clean that cut up and put a bandage on it. Oh, sorry if you get one of those knife diseases and die,” says Tri Bute.
Vio Lent cleans up the cut and puts a bandage on JBC.
“Exe, kiss it to make it feel better,” screams Tri Bute
Exe lifts Corbett’s arm and takes his hand in both of his. His mouth moves slowly over the fingers until he finds the right one. His soft lips brush the bandage slowly, warmly.
“How does it taste?” asks Tri Bute.
“It tastes, like rainbows and unicorns, like a castle in a cloud, like pitter pattering rain on the stone steps of the court house on a March morning, like a new The Fast and The Furious movie, like love, beautiful unconditional love,” says Exe Cution.
“Yes, now stomp on his hand until it breaks,” commands Tri Bute.
Without a second thought, Cution stomps on Corbett’s hands repeatedly.
“This is who we are, JBC, compassion? Love? In the future we stomp all over that ship. Emotions are for the weak, just ask Randy Orton, he won a bunch of world titles. Ask me, I’ve won 8000. You are a sissy crybaby girl; girl is your middle name. KEEP STOMPING ON HIS HAND I DON’T CARE IF YOUR LEG IS TIRED!” yells Tri Bute.
“This has gone on long enough, just end it already!” shouts Gold.
Tri Bute nudges Cution so he stops. Tri Bute positions John Boy then climbs to the top turnbuckle and leaps off and hits Tri Bute To The Doomed (Leg Clap Frog Splash).
“This match is flippin’ disgusting, it’s kind of like that episode of South Park, The China Problem or like bondage, it’s just uncomfortable to watch,” says Gold.
“The China Problem is like the best episode of South Park, it’s almost as good as 200 and 201 or Super Best Friends, those three were so edgy that they aren’t even on Southparkstudios.com. But seriously the edgy episodes are the best because they are the most hardcore, the most bad butt. And if something weren’t bad butt why would you watch it in the first place?” asks Buackson.
“Well, there are a bunch of great musicals that ar-,”
“Don’t say another flippin’ word blunt. Musicals are trash, ever since Blaine graduated and wasn’t featured on Glee anymore, the world changed and musicals were never the same again,” interrupted Buackson.
“What happened to treasuring my opinion, Buack? Or did that moment we had earlier not mean anything to you? Don’t even answer, you’re a jerk that I don’t want to talk to!” says Gold before he runs off crying.
While the announcers had their little spat Tri Bute rained down the punches on JBC but stopped before busting him open. Gold is running away but he trips on a cord and falls on his face. Exe Cution, Vio Lent, and Tri Bute immediately exit the ring to see if he is all right. While “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior” and his minions checked Jonathon Gold’s pulse John Boy Corbett slowly got to his feet. Then he bounced of the rope and hit a suicide dive onto Tri Bute and the other two, then he picked up the microphone.
“Butey beach, you’re a cocky little ship. That big ego of yours is pretty dang silly too. I’ve beaten you five times already dude, and I had a whole month to figure out how to make you bleed. So, I watched Star Wars Episode XII, you know the one where Darth Kwoe goes into the future and learns about the customs so he can go back in time and make Timmy Skywalker bleed, but not die so he could use his blood to make a clone army that is better than the one in The Clone Wars? Well what he used was The Staff of The Ewok King. Now, as you know, Star Wars happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, but when Death Star III exploded, where The Staff of The Ewok King, pieces of it flew all over the place.
One of the pieces crashed here on Earth. Turns out the events of Episode XII happened in the 1940s, the thing that crashed at Roswell wasn’t a UFO or aliens. It was space wreckage from Death Star III; it was The Staff of The Ewok King.
How do I know this? Easy, the head of my fan club works at Area 51 and he phoned me and told me about it. Thank god his identity is anonymous or he’d get in trouble for that.
In Area 51, they were studying it; trying to harness it’s essence. Learn how to use it, when to use it. They finally found a use. Giving it to me!” breathes John Boy, it took him a while to get it all out since he got beat up so much.
JBC leans over and takes a wooden staff out from under the ring and pokes Tri Bute in the arm with it. The blood begins to drip out of his arm.
“This must be the emotion you humans call blood, I’m bleeding!” shouts Tri Bute as he cries out in pain and the bell tolls.
“Your winner via First Blood, and still SSAW Global Warrior Champion, “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett!” announces Troy Stone, “As a result Tri Bute cannot challenge for the championship until a new champion is crowned,”
John Boy Corbett holds the belt up in all the corners while Tri Bute’s trio limp up the ramp.
“John Boy Corbett wins! The boyhood dream has been fulfilled! He has made the unbleedable bleed! I have one question though, does this mean Episode XIII will be about this match?” ponders Buackson as the scene fades to black.
More kids died because of stone chairs. No one cares about that though.
Master Satriani just finished his Sumo tour in Japan so he may be back in SSAW any day now.
Chris Sabin has taken time off to be a mime.
The next SSAW event is only three days away! The card has so much swag!
SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship – Third Times The Charm!
Vio Lent (Tyler Black) © vs. Zack Sabre Jr.
They are saying the show will be available in 427 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!