Re: 13 Years In, Over 7976 To Go
There is just this feeling inside my body. It feels good. I woke up on time today for the first time. I think I have finally found my purpose in this crazy, crazy world and this feeling is the drive.
AND I AM GOING TO PUT THE BREAKS ON MY OPPONENTS
By that I mean, I will break their limbs, arms, legs, whatever it takes!
“The Man Who Does Those Submission Moves” Neil Furious
Just got word from that butt head The Rock, he says I have to face some fog for the SSAW Lightweight strap. Does he really think I’m afraid of some nerd who watches Star Wars? I am too smart, sexy, and powerful to drop the belt to someone from this lamebutt primitive time. Tri Bute has taught me every advanced super submission hold he knows and at the end of the night Zack “The LightSaber” Mcdumbface (BURN!~) Jr. cat meat is going done.
Have A Nice Day,
“The Present Warrior” Vio Lent “AKA The Artist Fomerly Known as Tyler Black”
The guy I’m facing is really old, I hope I don’t kill him on acc. RIP to the 9 to 11 year olds that died because I used a stone chair. The TV says it is rated TV-Y7 so parents should use discretion when watching are super edgy programs.
I Love You,
SSAW Global Warrior Champion, “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett
It’s a Brave New World. 6-Man-Tag action at CCS 14, I’ll be using my advanced move set as usual, I can’t wait until I get my shot at the belt again. I deserve it more than any of you present folks.
I’m from the future and it’s about gosh dang time The Rock realizes this and hands over the belt TO ME! I HAVE TRAPS AND ACES UP MY SLEEVE!
YOUR WORLD IS MINE
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
I love how now that a few kids died because of stone chairs they are trying to get us to stop using them. Weak dude. I’m gonna hit Frightmare with a stone chair tonight and beat him for the title, I guaren flipin’ tee it. See you in heck!
Also, I love how all these parents think they are bad butts now and trying to tell us what to do. If one of the protesters touches me I will have no remore. I’LL SHOCK THE WORLD, YOU’RE KID IS DEAD? WELL UR NXT!
“The Conqueror” Michael Elgin
Davey Richards didn’t show up to my Indy show. So I officially take back my apology. That butt head deserved to get kicked in the balls.
Still, I grounded Kyle, so hopefully he learned from his mistakes and will show his improved behavior against TJP tonight.
“The Agent” Mild Walsh
Centre City Slam 14
October 1st 2023
The Super Special Awesome Dome, Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe, in 350 languages and American dialects.
“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac d. El Hijo Del Pirata Morgan in the dark match after hitting a Scorpio Death Drop (Scorpion Death Drop)
The show starts off with Kyle O’Reilly and Mild Walsh backstage. Mild Walsh says he is very disappointed in Ky-Ky’s behavior so he was grounded and will not be like that. WAIT OCTOBER FOOLS! It turns out Walsh knew Kyle was going to be mean to Davey Richards! “It was actually my idea all along!” says Walsh, it was a huge plot twist.
“Walsh is a bad guy too now? EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE” says Jonathon Gold.
“And now they are walking down the ramp, those sick perverts!” says Buckson.
“I hope TJ kicks this motherflipper’s asinine face in.” says Gold.
LOOK AT THIS STUFF
ISN’T IT NEAT
WOULDN’T YOU THINK MY COLLECTION’S COMPLETE
WOULDN’T YOU THINK I’M THE GIRL
THE GIRL WHO HAS EVERYTHING
TJP runs to the ring and the match begins. TJP hit a bunch of cool highflying moves and it was a really cool match. TJP was about to hit his signature 630 Hurricanrana but O’Reilly threw the referee into him and now the ref is laid out. Mild Walsh rolls into the ring and sprays TJP in the face with mace, then O’Reilly hit TJP in the balls seven or eight times. The referee comes to and O’Reilly is about to make TJP tap to a headlock. Kyle puts a foot on the rope and TJP immediately gives it up hard. The referee raises Kyle’s hand but he pulls away and starts stomping on TJP’s head then gives him double bad ways.
“THAT FLIPPING CHEATER!” yells Buckson.
Our next contest is for the SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship, Frightmare the champion faces off against Michael Elgin!
“Michael Elgin is such a badbutt, Goldy, he was the first SSAW Global Warrior Champion, and tonight he has promised to win the belt! He said he was going to use the stone chair tonight, despite all those kids dieing” says Buckson.
“And he’s pretty sexy too.” says Gold.
When the match begins Elgin goes for a stone chair shot, but the referee takes it from him. Frightmare takes advantage and hits Elgin with a ROLLING KO PUNCH. He then turns around and hits Elgin with a Standing Moonsault he pins him but Elgin kicks out at two. Frightmare hits Elgin with several elbow strikes and tries to pin him again but Elgin kicks out at zero. Elgin pokes Frightmare in the eye and the referee gives him a white card. Elgin tears up the card and throws it at the ground!
“Elgin is such a Dutch bag, Gold”
“The kind you want to carry around and show all you’re friends, Bucky!”
The referee picks up the pieces of paper while Elgin’s manager, Akira Criss, hands him a stone chair! Elgin hits Frightmare in the flipping head!
“He’s so HARDCORE!”
“You only see this kind of EDGY in SSAW!”
Elgin pins Frightmare! The referee hand hits the mat twice! FRIGHTMARE KICKS OUT!
“OH SHIP” says Buckson
“I AM HAVING MULTIPLE ORGANISMS!”
Elgin is visibly super mad! Elgin shouts something mean at Frightmare and kicks him in the face. Elgin grabs the referee by the collar and punches him in the head, but Frightmare comes up behind him and hits a low blow and rolls him up for 3!
We go backstage with Exe Cution and Vio Lent, “Remember when I called all of Andy Ridge’s fans horses? That was so funny, right?” Lent asked Cution. “Yeah, Lenty, you are like the funniest, most charismatic guy I know. THAT beard is so flipping sexy, I have no doubt that you’ll be the greatest SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Champion of all time.” Cution reassures him. “I love you, man” they both say as they hug passionately. “I don’t know though, that Zack Sabre Jr. is pretty great. JUST KIDDING he sucks I have this in a bag!” Lent laughs. Cution and Vio Lent high five!
LOOK AT THESE PEOPE
AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL
SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER
“CUT MY MUSIC” yells Vio Lent as he walks onto the ramp.
The music stops and Vio Lent starts screaming into the microphone.
“Why oh why?” asks Buckson.
“Gosh, what is this?” asks Gold.
“Now that I have your attention I would like to tell you all about “Peg Leg” Andy Rayedge! Get it! He drinks so much rum that he’s like a pirate! So I made his name all piratey!”
Lent wipes a tear away from his eye.
“Anyway, he is puking his guts out in rehab because he does heroine and crack! The Rock finally sent him there. That Andy is such a sissy girl (BURN!~)”. Lent laughs.
“But we didn’t come here to see Ridge or think about little Andy. Tonight my opponent,” Vio Lent points to the ring where Zack Sabre Jr. is standing, “Is from some dumb other country that isn’t even half as cool as ours. IN THE FUTURE, Tri Bute says his dumb stupid country isn’t even around anymore, the Zondian Truth Bots took them out first, second, and third, then they left the fourth part of it for a bit and took it out 19th, because they didn’t want to waste the effort right away. Tri Bute has assured me your people are weak and pathetic and that they always will be.”
Zack gets really pee’d off but the referee holds him back before he hurts anybody. Lent gets in the ring and the bell tolls! They trade submission holds, Lent starts pulling Sabre’s hair and the referee enunciates the 11 count for this behavior. Lent lets go at 9 and steps on Zack’s back! Lent takes a feather out of his pocket.
“Uh oh, this could be one of those advanced submission moves from the future!” shouts Gold!
Lent starts tickling Junior’s tummy with the feather. He may tap right here! Zack lands a kick to the head, which stops the tickle torture, but only for so long. Zack locks in a headlock but Lent fights to his feet and hits a SAITO SUPLEX! The referee begins the 10 count for when both wrestlers are down. THEY BOTH GET UP AT 9! They start trading left hands and right legs at the same time, however Lent punches harder and knocks Sabre into the ropes. Vio pulls out the feather and starts tickling his tummy, even though he is on the ropes Zack verbally submits causing Vio Lent to retain the SSAW Lightweight Warrior Championship!
“Oh man what a night so far!”
“You said it, Walsh was a bad guy all along, Elgin used a stone chair in his match even though 59 kids died because of one of those, and Lent just retained his title.” says Gold.
“I change my mind, nothing positive that mattered happened, sadface” says Buckson.
“Maybe that’ll change! 6-Man Tag action next!”
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute, “Stardust” Mark Briscoe, and “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe took on Neil Furious, Hammer Maniac, and Matt Vaughn, it was the 2nd best 6-Man Tag ever pretty much. One of the Briscoes and Matt Vaughn were in the ring and they traded kicks to the face until Vaughn hit a Super Kick to Briscoe for a nearfall. The Super Kick is his finisher but he tends to hit it 10-25 times per match, in a shoot interview he said it was to keep the fans on their toes. THEN TRI BUTE GETS TAGGED IN! Butey puts all three of his opponents on his shoulders and launches them out of the ring by hitting an Attitude Adjustment onto the top rope.
“Holy crop! I never thought I’d see a Triple Royal Tri Bute!”
“I didn’t even realize “Necrovalley” was active, let alone three of ‘em.”
Mark Briscoe jumps onto the top rope and hits a springboard Shooting Stardust (Shooting Star Press) to the three opponents. “Drillbit” exits the ring and rolls Neil Furious into the ring. Tri Bute does a cutthroat sign and shouts “SHOULDN’T OF FLIP SUMMONED”. Tri Bute proceeds to hit Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam). He could’ve beaten him there but to add insult to injury Tri Bute locks in a Two Handed Testicular Claw, Neil’s own finishing maneuver. Neil is forced to submit. Tri Bute and The Briscoe Brothers group hug in celebration as we head backstage with Akira Criss.
Akira Criss reminds us that “No Gimmick Needed” Shane Matthews won a #1 contender match last month and that he is 6-0 at Centre City Slam events. Shane adds that he was once at the top of the company (but that was like 7 years ago so no one cares anymore). Akira says he’s also the 2nd sexiest hunk of man beef she has ever seen. Shane blushes then gets all cereal and says that his match with JBC will Johnny crying like a girl baby for several years, it will scar him for lyfe with a y, and that it will leave him without a title for the rest of his lyfe with a y again!
“And that match, our MAIN E FLIPPIN’ VENT, is next!”
I LOVE DA RODEO
MILKIN’ DEM COW ALLS I NOSE
“John Boy Corbett is here, with his cowboy hat and everything” say Gold.
“He’s the kind of guy you want to chew all of your bubble gum, Goldo!”
Our Main Event begins with JBC getting attacked from behind before the bell tolls by Shane Matthews. Shane Matthews picked up JBC and hit the Dario Effect (Double Underhook DDT) and went for a pin but JBC gets the shoulder up at two. Matthews slaps the mat and then picks him up and hits Dario Effect #2 (Samoan Drop). Matthews climbs to the top rope and shouts “Save your tears for lubrication” as he leaps off, but JBC rolls out of the way and Shane lands on his butt. JBC kicks Shane really hard in the face then stomps on his chest five times and locks in a backbreaker hold. JBC slaps Shane’s chest to the beat of the audience clapping. JBC makes an X with his arms and his the Horseshoe Toss (Inverted Spinning Fallaway Slam) straight from the backbreaker hold. JBC goes for the pin but Akira Criss puts Shane’s foot on the rope causing the break at 2.3. John Boy rolls out of the ring and starts chasing Akira but Michael Elgin, who was on commentary hits JBC with a closeline. The referee is at a count of 5 when JBC gets to his feet and pushes Elgin into the guardrail.
“Johnny better get in the ring quick if he gets counted out he will still keep the title!”
“That wouldn’t be good for him at all?”
JBC is about to get in the ring when Tri Bute grabs his legs from under the ring. The referee gets to 10 and Matthews is declared the winner (he is still laid out from the Horseshoe Toss). Tri Bute and JBC start punching each other in the face but Tri Bute kicks JBC in the stomach and follows up with a Piledriver! Tri Bute rolls into the ring and hits Shane Matthews with Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam) as Elgin and Criss retreat up the ramp. Tri Bute gets out of the ring, puts on a pair of Brass knucks and punches JBC in the face three times. JBC is bleeding now. Tri Bute takes the microphone out of Troy Stone’s hand.
“Yawn Boy Snorbett (BURN!~), your champion, “Bear What?”, has dawned the crimson mask, your whole world is crumbling around you, this is the third time the show end with me standing over you and the only question I’m asking is when does Tri Bute get his 6th try, his 6th opportunity to mark his destiny and be the man his great granddad told him about? Well now I have an answer. “The People’s Super Awesome Comish” has it in the books, it’s happening November 5th 2023, Open The Awesome Gate 4, “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior” vs. “Bear What?” Yawn Girl Snorbett, Return of The Jedi, for the most prestigious title in this time, but this time we aren’t climbing ladders or trying to pin each other.
This time the winner will be the one who breaks the other’s face. It’s a First Blood match. The face that every woman here wants to lick all over will be dismembered, but do you want to know what the best part is? I CAN’T LOSE, there is a reason why I told The Rock it had to be First Blood. I can’t bleed. The theory of Evolution isn’t just a theory Johnny Boy, it’s scientific fact. By the time I was born “blood” hadn’t existed for decades. The skin of humans is much too thick, we die before we bleed. On November 5th your title is MINE! Then SSAW is MINE! Then the world is MINE! CONTACT YOUR LOCAL service PROVIDER!”
Tri Bute spits on JBC.
Tri Bute starts making farting noises as the scene fades to black.
The fatalities are rolling in from kids hitting each other with stone chairs, 83 deaths this time. Michael Elgin is to blame since he used on stone chair at SSAW’s PPV last night, but he tweeted “if we had more don’t try this at home stuff kids wouldn’t do it”. POP’s head honcho had this to say, “Michael Elgin is a major dock and deserves all the blame for this horrible tragedy. I am pee’d off! Elgin is a serial murderer that should be locked up for his terrible, rope-encouraging actions.” as you can tell he is certainly pee’d off. This also gave a clue at the head of POP’s identity, he is anonymous after all, but this may just be a red herring.
Oklahoma Officials detained Michael Elgin after the event, he is being held at the state penitentiary and has received 14 lashes he is currently being charged with Resisting Arrest and Encouraging Rope.
Elgin’s trial happened, Judge Sapphire dismissed the case since “Encouraging Rope” isn’t against the law.
The President says he want Judge Sapphire to fight him, his other kid died because of Michael Elgin and the sick, perverse behavior he displayed. This also gave a clue at the President’s identity, he is anonymous after all, but this may just be a red herring.
The SSAW PPV, Open The Awesome Gate 4, is only 5 days away, and the card so far is so flippin’ stacked you wouldn’t believe it brah.
SSAW Global Warrior Championship – First Blood Match
John Boy Corbett © vs. Tri Bute
They are saying the show will be available in 398 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!