Learning to break kayfabe
Join Date: Oct 2009
13 Years In, Over 7976 To Go
Super Baker’s Dozen Spectacular
August 6th, 2023
The Super Special Awesome Dome, Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe, in 200 languages and American dialects
“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac d. “The Arab Destroyer” Gama Singh Jr. via pinfall after hitting Rest In Pieses (Tombstone Piledriver) in the dark match
At the start of the show Jay Briscoe and Mark Briscoe attacked #1 contender to the SSAW Global Warrior Championship, Francis Barbecue backstage.
Neil Furious and Hammer Maniac drew, when the time limit expired, they were both near verbally submitted to each other’s submission maneuvers. (Neil had a Boston Crab, Maniac had a Two-Handed Testicular Claw) They shook hands afterward.
“The Submission Warrior” Exe Cution (David Hart Smith) was with “The Present Warrior” Vio Lent (Tyler Black) backstage, they joked about Andy Ridge’s alcohol problem, and informed us that in the future there will be no need for that crud.
“The Present Warrior” Vio Lent (Tyler Black) d. “SSAW Original” Chucky Blaze via pinfall after hitting God’s Last Gift to retain the SSAW Lightweight Warrior Championship, after the match Vio Lent and Exe Cution surrounded Blaze, Vio Lent took a slender piece of masking tape out from his trunks while Exe Cution held Blaze’s arms down. Ridge climbed over the barricade and knocked down Vio Lent with a Yakuza Kick before he could put the tape on Blaze’s face. Andy chased them off and picked up a microphone he said he was going to ditch his bad habits and go to rehab, and when he comes back he will take his championship from Vio Lent.
“The Agent” Mild Walsh was with “Blockbuster” Kyle O’Reilly, Walsh explained that tonight Jimmy Jacobs being the biggest bully in SSAW will come to an end. He said that in the submission match next Kyle will make Jimmy tap like a beach when he puts him in the Guillotine and makes him cough blood, just like the bullies Shawn Daivari and Jeremy Madrox did.
“Blockbuster” Kyle O’Reilly d. “The Emo Warrior” Jimmy Jacobs when Jacobs tapped like a beach to the Guillotine after the match Jacobs coughed blood onto the referee while Walsh and O’Reilly celebrated.
“The People’s Super Awesome Comish.” The Rock came from the back with a sullen look, he said due to an attack backstage that happened at the start of the show, Francis Barbecue will not be able to compete tonight, and with Gene Barbecue currently on leave he will be forced to change tonight’s main event, and vacate the SSAW Double Bed Warrior Championships. The new champions will be determined next, and the two teams will be drawn out of a hat. RIGHT NOW. The Briscoe Brothers were pulled out first, then the team of DH Smith and TJP. And who’s challenging the Global Warrior Champion? He states that’s a surprise.
“Stardust” Mark Briscoe and “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe d. “The Canadian Bulldog” David Hart Smith and “Lightning Quick” TJP via pinfall after Mark hit DH Smith with Shooting Stardust (Shooting Star Press), to win the vacant SSAW Double Bed Warrior Championships, Smith grabbed a microphone after the match and called out Exe Cution, he said he is an imposter and that there is only one David Hart Smith. A solar panel falls from the dome and lands on DH, our ringside medic tends to DH as we move on to our main event.
“Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett d. “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute via pinfall after he reversed Torrential Tri Bute (Choke Slam) into a Spike DDT to retain the SSAW Global Warrior Championship. JBC kissed the belt and took the microphone.
“Guys, let’s have a round of applause for Tri Bute, he did his best. Sure, I kicked his butt tonight, and I kicked his butt last time at TLC 2, and I kicked his butt at the 150th Show Spectacular, and I kicked his butt the other two times as well. He did his best though. How did he get the shot tonight anyway?”
Tri Bute gets up, and stares coldly at JBC, he doesn’t find this amusing. He steps forward and shoves JBC, and snatches the microphone from JBC.
“Shut the flip up. I get your point, you think I suck, that I’m a wash-up who’s past his prime. I’m before my prime, and we’re talking 10000 years before my prime, you have no idea what I’m going to do in the future, and when we get there everyone will forget you Johnny Boy, when my great-grandfather taught me about the greatest SSAW GLOBAL WARRIOR champions of all time, he told me all about “The Conqueror” Michael Elgin, all about “Murder, Kill, Death” Cactus Flanders, all about SPOILER ALERT “Never Forget” “Blockbuster” “Loveless” Kyle O’Reilly, but nothing about “Bear What?” John Boy Snorbett (BURN!~), your title reign is nothing.
AND THEN, when my great-granddad was done I went out that door, trained my flipping hardest and 10 years later on my 20th Birthday, August 9th 10,020 at the Super 8010 Year Spectacular, I won the Key of Destiny Match, I unlocked the Box of Truth, after solving the Ancient Riddle of Zorc, and I unlocked the greatest prize of all time, that match was the final battle in our War Against the Zondian Truth Bots, and that match that saved the Earth from flipping dangnation made my career marked my destiny and I became the Inagural SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion. And I carried the belt for 15 years destroying the best fighters across the universe. I’ve wrestled matches on the moon, Sol, Uranus, Saturn, and I made Chuck Norris my beach when I laid him in Honolulu.
On my 35th birthday some Zondian Truth Bots kidnapped me and I had to vacate the title. The rebellion was rising again; they left me to starve 40 light years away in some distant planet while they built up their army that would take over the Earth, and then the rest of the tri-galaxy. I ate dirt. And lots of it, I could feel it inside my body. I searched all over the planet for civilization, a rocket, anything to eat besides dirt, but all I’ve ever found were ashes. The Zondian Truth Bots burned everything down. I curled up in a ball and thought about my 15 years as King of the Universe, all the women I forced, all the children I enslaved, all the baby seals I clubbed, all the dukes I STABBED in the back in the name of Zeusrion the creator, all the men I de-weinerfied and most of all my great-grandfather I sent to the gallows because his shirt was too similar to mine.
I had to get it back, JBC. So I stated digging and out of just dirt and ashes I made a functional plane and I flew back to Earth, but I was too late the Zondian, Ali En was the new king after defeating Mac Ncheese, in a Key of Destiny Match. They took over, those dirty baskets and freed my slaves, re-weinerfied my men, and used a revival spell to bring back my great-granddad. ALL WAS LOST. I had to start all over, I almost put a Psy-Bullet in the Pink of my head, but then I realized there’s nothing better than starting all over again. So I apologized for all the people I hurt they let me wrestle again, and I went on to become King 7,999 more times each reign was longer than the last, but I never quite got to 15 years again. Every time I became King again I sentenced my great-granddad to death and they kept bringing him back, I had his body parts buried in different deserts all across the universe, but when I was dethroned they always found them.
The 8000th Time, I entered his hut while riding my Heelies, but he knew I was coming. But this time I wasn’t going to kill him.
I was going to murder his flippin’ face off, rip him limb from limb. I was going to have my child slaves send him 40 light years away to some distant planet with nothing but dirt the same one I was sent to all those years ago, and he would never find his way back, for he is not as crafty as I. He can’t make planes like I can, He never wrestled on Sol like I’ve down thousands of times.
He wasn’t in his hut that day. I found a note on his bed it read,
“Dear, Tri Bute
I’ve seen enough of life, and I’ve seen enough of death, I’ve been to heck and back several times, I’ve also been to heaven, but just once. Last time, they brought me back against my wishes I wanted to stay but they took me out. I know you’ll keep searching for me, but I’m sure if you find me and kill me I will go back, waiting for you to come out of power and be brought back to live here again, while you seek me out again, it will never end Butey. Why do you want to kill the man who made you love wrestling, who made you King of the Universe, through my guidance? Is it really that shirt thing you claim?”
I stopped reading there, I didn’t want to here anymore, he’s acting like he didn’t deserve to die? It’s the law; NO ONE wears clothes like me EVER. I have my own unique style, and he was trying to mooch off of my SWAG, I don’t care if you’re family. I don’t care what you teach me. I don’t care that you take credit for MY accomplishments. I ripped the note into 15 pieces then burned down his hut, and then the next hut, and then the next hut. I went home and killed all my slaves, shot all my wives DEAD with Psy-Bullets sent all the priests to the gallows and officially banned fun throughout the universe.
But, that wasn’t enough to teach my great-granddad a lesson.
So I came here to destroy SSAW, and change the course of history. Go flip yourself Johnny.”
Tri Bute kicked JBC in the nuts and he fell over clutching them.
“Holy Flip!” shouts Johnny Buckson!
The scene fades to black.