Re: Make the worst WM PPV card possible, without making it look suspicious
Worst Wrestlemania Ever given the current roster? OK, I'll give it a go.
PRESHOW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
Team Hell No -c- Vs. Alberto Del Rio & Sheamus
- Didn't you know? Every time Sheamus & Bryan face each other at Wrestlemania, it has to be cut for time or bumped off the main card? That tradition NEEDS to continue! Who cares how the match plays out? YOU AREN'T GOING TO SEE IT!!! Who cares if Alberto is an over babyface now! WE GOT TO MAKE ROOM FOR EVERYONE ELSE THAT IS MORE IMPORTANT!!!
CRUISERWEIGHT MATCH UP
Rey Mysterio Vs. Sin Cara
- Well this was supposed to be the match, but Sin Cara got hurt again, so it has to be canceled. Instead, Rey has to face...BUM...BUM...BUM....LORD TENSAI!!!! Oh shit crackers! Well Rey beats him in 5 minutes flat, so YAY!!!
UNITED STATES & INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP UNIFICATION FATAL FOUR WAY MATCH
Antonio Cesaro -US- Vs. Wade Barrett -IC- Vs. Kofi Kingston Vs. The Funkasauras
- So many wonderful talents and colorful characters in this one! Any one of these four men could be the new unified 2nd tier champion! It is a hard fought contest of strength, athleticism, and dance moves! In the end, the size, power, and charisma of The Funkasauras comes through as he ends up winning both championships and dances the night away with the Funkettes!!!
The Miz w/Ric Flair Vs. CM Punk w/Paul Heyman
- Not much room at the top for Punk anymore with all the stars present for this show. But hey, they can use the issues that Punk had going into Wrestlemania 27 where he felt Miz was given the top spot over him without justification (watch the CM Punk DVD). Well Miz needs to prove himself. He wasn't just a one hit wonder or a forced-down-our-throats champion! He's a winner! And sure enough, he's got the Legendary Ric Flair in his corner to make sure there is no monkey business from Heyman. Miz gets the win and Flair locks the Figure Four Leglock on that dastardly Punk for good measure!
CONTENDERS TRIPLE THREAT MATCH
The Big Show Vs. "The Viper" Randy Orton Vs. "The Celtic Warrior" Sheamus
- The winner of this epic encounter will be given a World Title shot! Oh the possibilities are endless here! So many different styles and high impact moves! Well here's the finish. Randy Orton hits the RKO....OUT OF NOWHERE...on Big Show!!! But on the way down, Big Show landed a KO Punch on Sheamus! but Sheamus was coming in to hit a Brogue Kick on Orton!!!! ALL THREE MEN ARE UNCONSCIOUS!!!! WHAT DO WE DO?!?!?! All three moves are so devastating that it is IMPOSSIBLE to get up from any of them once they've been hit (though people have survived and kicked out of all three before, but you aren't supposed to remember that). So the referee has no choice but to make the match....A THREE WAY DRAW!!! A CONTROVERSY FOR THE AGES!!!!
- Next up is a 3 Man Band Rock Concert! They are going to be the musical entertainment at Wrestlemania. But Zack Ryder and Santino? They aren't having any of that. So while Slater, Mahal, & McIntyre are trying to sing, those mischief makers went to the production truck and added FART NOISES while they were singing! OH MY GOD!!! HILARIOUS!!!!
THE WRESTLEMANIA RETURN OF THE GREAT ONE
The Rock Vs. Brad Maddox
- Hey, Rock needs to do something and I have a feeling that his promos with Maddox would be nothing short of funny. Rock doesn't need to be paired with a big name or someone with a legit shot to make it to the top. No no no. It just needs to be funny. The Rock has a microphone back and forth with Maddox which should end with a Rock Bottom and a People's Elbow...BUT WAIT! Vince McMahon comes out and distracts The Rock, which leads to Maddox getting a quick roll up for the pin!!! WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!?!?! BRAD MADDOX HAS DEFEATED THE ROCK!!!! The next night on Raw, McMahon comes out and says "I didn't screw The Rock! The Rock screwed The Rock!". Oh my! What developments will come from that I wonder?!?!
MIXED MARTIAL ARTS MATCH
Triple H Vs. Brock Lesnar
- Oh snap! Lesnar already beat Triple H at his game, pro wrestling. Now, Triple H is going to beat Brock at his, MMA! This leads to a very convincing set of vignettes that show Triple H training with the greatest MMA fighters in the world to prepare himself for Brock Lesnar. Turns out, the training paid off as Lesnar has an answer for NOTHING that Triple H brings to the table. For a half an hour, Triple H makes Lesnar pay for everything he has done! It is as if Triple H has totally reinvented himself! Oh God I can't believe it! Triple H makes Lesnar tap out to the same keylock that Lesnar broke HHH's arm with! Talk about perfect revenge! Lesnar's arm is broken as he is left crying in the middle of the ring as Triple H stands on top of the mountain once again!
- Well phew! After that epic classic, we need something to bring the crowd down. How about the Hall of Fame segment. The legends are honored on stage like they are every year...but wait! Team Rhodes Scholars come out and interrupt the party. WHA?!?! That isn't supposed to happen!!! Don't worry though, Team Hell No comes out to defend the legends by shouting Yes and No at Rhodes and Sandow for 5 minutes. All the legends, now Hall of Famers, storm the ring and beat the ever loving piss out of those two jerks, Rhodes & Sandow. Later, the humiliation was so great that Cody & Sandow have a major argument and split up! Thus, the end of Team Rhodes Scholars!
THE STREAK IS ON THE LINE....A RIVALRY RENEWED
The Undertaker Vs. Mick Foley
- Foley is going to go into the Hall of Fame this year, right? Well what better way to honor his legendary career than to give him one more shot at his greatest rival, The Undertaker? And heck, these two NEVER faced off at Wrestlemania, and the current trend is to ALWAYS respect the legends, so this match NEEDS to happen! Who cares if Foley is broken down and can't do what he used to! He's a legend! Lets give him a feel good moment! And hell, the trend of the last few Undertaker matches at Mania was to have him face somebody he worked with over a decade ago, so this fits that trend perfectly!!! And who cares if it is painfully obvious that Taker is going to win? It is all about respect for the Legends! (Note: Already on the slate for Wrestlemania 30, either Undertaker Vs. Kane...again or Undertaker Vs. Ric Flair).
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Dolph Ziggler -c- w/AJ Lee & Big E Langston Vs. Ryback
- Ziggler cashes in his Money in the Bank and defeats Del Rio for the title. All is well until RYBACK becomes the number one contender and earns his title shot at WRESTLEMANIA!!! In a repeat of last year's event, Ryback meathooks Ziggler right from the get go and hits Shellshock for the quick 1-2-3 (after marching 'round the ring first of course). For the 2nd year in a row, AJ's man has been defeated in under 30 seconds for the World Title! But wait....Big E ain't having none of that. He grabs the microphone and immediately challenges Ryback to a match for the World Heavyweight Title...RIGHT HERE...RIGHT NOW!!! Ryback gets on the mic and says "FEED ME MORE! AND I WANT ME SOME DARK MEAT!" Oh my God! Wrestlemania IX looks like it may repeat itself!!!
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP PART DEUX
Ryback -c- Vs. Big E Langston
- A Clash of the Titans if there ever was one! They look to be evenly matched in strength, but wait! AJ Lee distracts the referee which allows Langston to hit a lowblow! He hits his Self Inflicted Inverted DDT finisher and OH MY GOD!!! A NEW WORLD CHAMPION!!! Big E Langston has dethroned Ryback just minutes after the Ryback era began!!! WHAT A TWIST!!! Now Ziggler is the backup and Big E is the man in charge of the group. Of course AJ Lee goes for the man with the gold and plants a big smooch on Big E to celebrate his victory!
Vickie Guerrero Vs. Natalya w/The Great Khali & Hornswoggle
- Main event bumper. Somebody needs to put Vickie in here place! Khali scares her, Hornswoggle bites her hiney, and then Natalya farts on her...IN THE FACE!!! Oh no!!! Vickie is out cold! 1-2-3! Nattie wins!!!
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP: 3 ON 1 HANDICAP MATCH
John Cena -c- Vs. The Shield
- Cena wins the WWE Title from The Rock or CM Punk in February and faces the Royal Rumble winners....The Shield! You see, Ambrose, Rollins, & Reigns didn't want to fight each other. They dominated the Rumble, eliminating everyone else, and then opted for a Co-Winners situation, so ALL THREE OF THEM would face Cena. And they got it in their match contract to make it a 3 on 1 handicap match rather than four corners. Back against a wall, with all the odds against him, Cena comes out strong and defeats all 3 members of The Shield and retains the WWE Championship!!! The kiddies rejoice while the IWC gets ready to kill themselves in a mass suicide.
BUT HOLD EVERYTHING!!!
Triple H comes out and says that this company needs one true champion, and that both championships must be unified....TONIGHT! Gasp! You don't mean another impromptu title match! Triple H also says that it can't just be Cena & Langston one on one. We need another legend thrown in the mix and who better than ME! Oh snap!!!
UNDISPUTED WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP TRIPLE THREAT MATCH
John Cena -WWE- Vs. Big E Langston -WHC- Vs. Triple H
- Oh my God! Finally we will have one unified champion and FINALLY Cena gets to have his revenge on Big E all the while Triple H gets ONE LAST SHOT at Immortality!!!! It is brilliant! With his new MMA training, Triple H seems unbeatable!!! Triple H kicks out of the AA and the Self Inflicted Inverted DDT. He is fighting like a champion! Cena kicks out of the Pedigree! Oh my God what heart! Langston disappears and I completely forget about him but OK. Oh wait! There he is! He hits Cena and then goes after Trips! But WAIT!!! Triple H locks in the Figure Four Leglock, the move of his mentor Ric Flair, and gets Langston to tap out!
Triple H is the NEW Unified World Heavyweight Champion!!!! Oh my God!!! WHAT A WRESTLEMANIA!!!! This will go down as the greatest Wrestlemania OF ALL TIME!!!