Merry Christmas, everybody.
WWE THE SITCOM: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
‘Twas the night before Raw, when all through the house,
Vince has taken the entire roster on a ski vacation to Amsterburg, Europe. All 69 roster members are forced to sleep in one gigantic room containing only 12 beds, with Vince himself sleeping alone in the considerably larger room next door.
Vince stumbled drunkenly around, trying on Linda’s blouse,
The wrestlers were nestled snug in their beds,
Dreaming of steel chairs bouncing off heads,
But this would be no ordinary Monday Night Raw,
The Chairman was fed up, as nobody could draw,
For this was Raw the Sitcom, no longer do they fight,
Happy Christmas to all, see you Monday night!
, Vince (yes, in the classic stained underwear that became a benchmark of WWE the Sitcom) marches into a talent meeting, a deafening silence entering the room along with him. Gorilla Monsoon chimed in “you can cut the tension with a knife”, but then everybody remembered that he was dead, so he mysteriously disappeared again.
Listen here you sons of bitches, over the years I’ve had my men work 3 shows on Christmas day, fly to Afghanistan, fly to Iraq, and one year I even had Bret Hart fly to 17 countries, wrestle 46 matches and I STILL SCREWED HIM!
(speaking to his fellow-countryman, Yoshi Tatsu) Uh oh, Yoshi, this can’t be good!!!
So this year…(Vince breaks into a massive smile, a smile so big it takes up over 87% of his face) I’M TAKING US ALL ON A SKI VACATION TO AMSTERBURG, EUROPE!!!
The boys all jump around screaming with girlish delight, high-fiving each other, a full-out Box Social breaking out, with Brodus and Khali dunking Santino into a keg of beer, Kaitlyn and Eve custard wrestling, and Cena throwing a custard pie in John Lauranitis’ face like in the Beastie Boys Fight For Your Right to Party video.
(speaking to the camera) This is going to be good!
, all 69 roster members and Vince are at the airport. R-Truth is walking through the metal detector, and it goes off.
Ohhhh, I understand, it’s because I’m bla…
Sir, you’re wearing a metal belt, nipple piercings, chains around your neck, I’m sure it’s something to do with that, please remove all metal from your person.
Truth proceeds to take off all the aforementioned items, as well as a hunk of steel from his pocket, a stapler from his shoe, a screwdriver from under his hat, some dentistry tools from under his tongue, and a steel chair from under his shirt. Truth then walks through the metal detector once more, but it goes off again.
Ohhh, maybe it’s that Prince Albert piercing I got with Tensai.
No, it’s because you’re bla…
Cut to Daniel Bryan and Kane sitting by the flight gate. “YES” chants break out from the crowd, despite there being no crowd in attendance. Kane is reading The National Enquirer as Bryan looks incredibly bored, playing with a slinky.
I’m borreddd…I wanna go on the plane already and get to Amsterburg, Europe and go skiing.
In due time, my son, in due time. Did you happen to read this article of reproductive cells of…
NO! It’s boring. I’m bored. You’re boring. I am soooo outta here, man!
Daniel Bryan tries to walk straight onto the plane, but is suddenly attacked by The Shield, who are disguised as bomb disposal unit members!
Something, House, Euphoric, India, Lethargic, Delta.
I before E, except after C!!!
We then cut to some time later, with the entire roster in second class, with Vince sat alone in first class. All of the wrestlers are staring furiously at their boss.
(speaking to Cody Rhodes) I think I’m going to pop him…I really do, Cody, I think I’m gonna march right into first class and say “hey ASSHOLE, we deserve to be in here ,too!”. Yeah, I think I’m gonna do it.
Then go do it.
(feeling around on his seat) …nah I’m actually quite happy with my spot, I don’t wanna jeopardize anything.
Cut to the plane taking off, with all the wrestlers cheering hysterically. Vince presses a button to get some service in first class.
You need some help, sir?
NO, YOU SON OF A BITCH! I made Wrestlemania, I don’t need any help with anything ever, I’m a self-made man, and I won’t need anybody’s help until the day after I die…but I do need help adjusting my seat.
Canned laughter makes a return to a big pop. Fade to black…
, the wrestlers arrive at check in, and are furious when they discover that Vince has booked one huge room for himself, checking all 69 roster members into a smaller room next door.
This is bull! I’m gonna pop him, I really am you know. We deserve better than this.
Then do it, go for it!
(looking at the room key with a pensive look on his face) I’m actually quite happy with this room afterall, I don’t wanna jeopardize anything.
We cut to Natalya, who is sharing a bed with Jerry Lawler. Natalya’s face is turning a bright shade of red, and she is breathing heavily, frantically moving around, clearly in a lot of discomfort.
(clearly very concerned) Natalya, are you…are you alright?? Should I get a doctor? Are you okay??
I’m…I’m having…I’m having…A FART ATTACK!!!
Natalya bursts into an uncontrollable fit of farts, each louder and more violently explosive than the last. The 68 other roster members are freaking out, as Natalya’s fart attack is evidently getting out of control. Cut to Natalya being taken away in an ambulance.
(speaking directly to the camera) Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sure you noticed Natalya hasn’t been active the last couple of minutes here…a little earlier tonight, Natalya passed out here in the bedroom…Natalya collapsed, she was stretchered outside…we understand she is receiving medical attention as we speak…again, this is not part of tonight’s “entertainment”…this is real life. Natalya, I love you, brother. The latest update we have now is that Natalya suffered a severe fart attack. We are being told that Natalya is breathing on her own again, and out of respect to Natalya tonight, there will be no further fart jokes on this broadcast.
, the next morning at breakfast. It is 6.30am on Christmas morning. Vince a wearing an apron that says “Kiss the Cook (club)” over his stained underpants.
That’s one hell of a bird in the over!
Koko B. Ware runs over to the oven.
Frankie, get the hell out of there!!
The wrestlers all start chanting “WE WANT TURKEY! WE WANT TURKEY!”, which makes Vince chuckle hysterically for several seconds, before it makes him incredibly pissed off.
SHUT UP YOU SONS OF BITCHES! The turkey will be ready at 3pm, and no sooner.
Vince’s cell phone goes off (his ringtone is DMX “Party Up”)
(on the phone) What do ya want, you son of a bitch? BIG FIRE ON SNOW MOUNTAIN? YOU NEED 67 MEN? WE’LL BE RIGHT THERE! (Vince hangs up) Quick, 67 of us need to head to snow mountain! But somebody needs to stay here to look after the turkey…ah…ah…RYBACK! You’ll do, look after the turkey.
Vince and the boys run out, leaving Ryback alone with the turkey. Ryback walks over to the oven, and we get a POV shot from the oven’s point of view.
It’s clobberin’ time.
, Vince and the boys walk into a cabin after successfully putting out the fire on Snow Mountain. They all take a seat.
Phew, what a relief. Well, I guess we should head back to see how Ryback is doing with the turkey…
Just as Vince goes to exit, Punk pulls him back.
Wait, boss. It’s Christmas, and we all got to thinking…well, we all owe you every bit of success we’ve got, you’re a genius, an inspiration, and the reason we’re all here today. So we all got together to buy you a little something to say thank you…
(tearing up, clearly emotionally touched) You…you sons of bitches (wipes single tear away from eye).
NaziCena hands Punk a box, which Punk hands to Vince, and he opens up, getting a huge smile on his face.
It’s exactly what I wanted…
We thought you’d like it…
(Vince lifts the gift out of the box to reveal a shovel) My very own shovel! I am going to bury so many of you guys!
Oh, we know!
All the boys burst out in laughter, Vince included, and they embrace in a 68 man group-hug.
Well, let’s get back to that turkey!
All the boys cheer, hootering and hollering their way out of the cabin.
Cut back to the kitchen. All the boys walk in still cheering and happy, but all of their faces collectively drop. Pan out to reveal Ryback, with a bloated stomach, sat over the bones of a turkey, finishing off the last bite.
Well…I always said, Feed Me More!
There is a brief silence before all of the boys, Vince included, break out in hysterical laughter.
(laughing, holding his shovel) I am so going to bury you for this.
The laughter continues, as Kofi Kingston speaks to Tyson Kidd.
I swear, I’m going to pop him. I’m going to do it, I really am.
Then do it.
Well, you know, I’m really com…no. No. Not this time.
Kofi walks over to Vince and spins him round.
Delivery for one son of a bitch!
Kofi delivers a fantastic left hook to Vince’s jaw, sending him through the kitchen table. The boys are all in stunned silence, with Kofi looking shocked and staring at his fist when he realizes what has happened. Vince eventually regains consciousness.
Kofi…you showed gusto. You showed balls, you showed a go get-it attitude, that’s exactly what we need around here! Ruthless aggression! I’m going to push you and make you my main star!!!
Kofi’s eyes light up as the camera zooms in on his face. We then suddenly cut to Vince leading a sleigh (with the wrestlers performing the roles of reindeer) laughing hysterically, as we see a shovel sticking out of the snow below them, with “Kofi” written on a tombstone beside it.