This all starts the night after the 2012 TLC PPV event, so it is important to get those details out of the way STAT.
Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. John Cena in a Ladder Match for the Money In The Bank Briefcase
John Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment off the Ladder and grabs the Case @ 3:42
Kofi Kingston (c) VS Wade Barret for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
Kofi gets the pin after a Trouble in Paradise @ 11:12
Big Show (c) VS Sheamus in a Chairs Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Big Show pins Sheamus after a Chairshot TO THE FUCKING HEAD! @ 16:30
*****Backstage, Triple H is receiving a BLOWJOB! from somebody. After the finish and Hunter grunts real loudly, he is seen signing a contract and giving HALF OF HIS SHARE OF THE COMPANY TO THE PERSON! OMG! STEPH MCMAHON IS CO-OWNER WITH HER DAD!!! BAWW GAWDDD******
Team Hell No (Daniel Bryan & Kane) & Ryback VS The Shield (Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns) in a TLC but it's Pinfall/Submission Match
Ryback was 'Eliminated' from the match after climbing a ladder to retrieve the Steroids hanging from above the ring, resulting in a 60 day suspension immediately. Daniel Bryan & Kane continued to hug it out, removing the ability for The Shield to get any offense in, and Bryan quickly pinned Ambrose with a rollup @ 34:56
Antonio Cesaro (c) vs. R-Truth for the United States Championship
Castagnoli is about to put him away with the Neutralizer, when he is suddenly attacked by something. As the ref cannot see, he can't call the DQ so it's a double team. After a somewhat double suplex, Truth hits the 450 splash and makes the pinfall @ 14:05
After the match, Truth talks some shit on the microphone and then gives it to LITTLE JIMMY! Little Jimmy announces that he is here to reign hell with Truth and they continue to attack Claudio. He is then saved by non other then CHRIS HERO!!!!
A bunch of Women fight over the WWE Butterfly Championship
A bunch of botches and hair pulling and whoever is the champion retains after a cunt punt @ ?:??
Vince McMahon comes out onto the stage and says that he fucked up and forgot that the WWE Champion CM Punk was injured and had no main event. He could've used any other match, but he put the woman's fuckupfest at the end and now the last PPV show of the year would be interrupted. Also there is no table match and he wanted to shit on ECW again.
******Suddenly he is interrupted with a 'Glory Hole Booth' declining from the ceiling. Vince steps inside and inserts his billion dollar instrument into the hole. A camera is inside showing Vince grunting and starting to turn red in the face. As he is about to blow, he quickly signs a contract, GIVING UP HIS HALF OF THE WWE STOCK! Vince stumbles out of the booth, pulls his pants up and quickly leaves the stage. Fireworks come out of the top and "My Time is Now" starts to play! HOLY SHIT JOHN CENA GAVE THE BLOW JOBS! JOHN CENA OWNS WWE! Cena comes out of the booth, wipes his mouth and holds up the two contracts. He then picks up the microphone and announces the next match, as he decides he didn't bury Ziggler enough******
John Cena VS Dolph Ziggler in a Tables Match
With over an hour left of the PPV to waste, fans hoped this would be a Five Star match. As soon as Ziggler got into the ring, Cena locked in the STF. With no way to win via submission, he waited until Ziggler was passed out and left the ring to sign autographs. Every time he started to regain consciousness, Cena would choke him out again. After every fan on the lower level had recieved an autographed item, Cena dragged Ziggler towards the Entrance way and climbed the bleachers. (Oh, did I mention that during this entire time, various staff members stacked up 20-30 tables in the entrance way) Cena hit the Attitude Adjustment off the top of the Tiantron, but it seemed Ziggler missed every table and landed hard on the concrete from 150feet high. The ref ran the bell, as it turns out he landed on a PERODIC TABLE! (according to Michael Cole)
Cena wins @ 1:02:59