I'm more interested in stories from the joint.
I got a few of those.
Was a kid named "Bones", big time heroin addict on the streets. Found his mother dead in the bathtub when he was 12, dad drank himself to death about 4 years later.
Anyway, Bones (who was 27) was severely underweight. No lie, he was approximately 5'8" and weighed no more than 105 pounds. We thought he had AIDS, which is common among needle users. But, he didn't. So, the jail decided to double up his trays. He would get 2 for breakfast, 2 for lunch and 2 for dinner.
And with all that, he was still hungry. So hungry that it lead to him doing "Jackass" type stunts to make a few snacks. "Loony", "Meeks" and "Damron" drew an outline of Bones on the wall and had him stand against it. The game was to flick off your shower shoes and hit him in the nuts. If Bones could withstand it after 5 flicks from each guy (15 total), he would get 3 packs of Ramen noodles, 2 Honey Buns and a cigarette. He did it, with no problem.
He would do it everyday but then, the stunts got more weird. The amount of flicks were raised. Then, it became a competition amongst other inmates. One inmate even (pause) grab Bones by the balls and hold him in the air for 30 seconds. Bones had to go to medical and it was revealed he suffered a ruptured testicle. IDK whatever happen to him because I went to court and got released but he had court the same day and I've since heard he got sentenced to 3 years for stealing diesel fuel (repeat offender).
Another guy by the name of Mosalgo had rich parents but was facing time for a bunch of credit card frauds and stealing a lawnmower. Was the biggest pussy I ever met in my life. His parents turned their back on him, once an hour, he would go to the phone, type a bunch of random numbers fast and hang up. He would even go to visitation, knowing nobody was coming to see him. He was adopted, never knew his real parents and stole from his new parents.
Anyway, some dude stuck a thumb (pause) up Mosalgo's ass. Mosalgo wrote a complaint about it. Guards called him out the pod Sunday night for an attorney visit. After he left, guard told us attorney's don't visit on Sunday's. Mosalgo had told he was "raped" and was moved out of the pod. Guards investigated, asked us what happened but nobody told. So, Mosalgo was moved to a pod full of murderers, snitches and baby rapists.
Old man by the name of Jack Keen turned the TV 1 day while we were watching the news. Same dude that stuck the thumb in Mosalgo confronted Jack and challenged him to "hit the cell", which means fight. Jack accepted and as he went to enter the cell, the dude punched him so fucking hard in the side of the head that it broke his glasses and split Jack's head open like a pussy. Guards never saw it.
Some retarded black dude stole my homie Bandy's mat. Retard didn't know that all mats were numbered by the guards for which cell they belonged to. Bandy found out, went to get it back and they started fighting. The whole time, the black guy is growling and foaming at the mouth, showing off his insane retard strength before the guards came and slammed both and handcuffed him. The whole time, the retard is screaming "You can't outwrestle me white boy, I'm Lex Luger". Now, say this while forming your lips like you're about to kiss a girl and you'll see why it was funny. Same retarded black dude had an absessed tooth, couldn't get to see the doctor, tied a sheet around his neck, went to the top tier and threatened to jump off.
Here's the full conversation.
Guards (in the tower, by way of intercom): Tibbs, what the fuck are you doing?
Tibbs: I told y'all muthafuckas my tooth hurt and I wanna see a doctor. Y'all won't let me see the doctor so I'm gonna kill myself. (say this while poking your lips out, about to kiss)
Guards: No you won't.
And that was it. He eventually decided not to kill himself, took his sheet back to the cell and finished watching TV.