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Re: WWE: The Sitcom
Monday Night Raw the Sitcom, Episode Four
Act One, Scene One. Dolly Parton's "9 to 5" plays as Vince gets out of bed with a big smile, looking enthusiastic and full of energy as he takes a shower, brushes his teeth, takes a dump, takes another shower and eats a bowl of Cap'n Crunch.
Vince: I'm back...Vince is BACK!
Vince jumps into the air, and freezes. Linda McMahon walks over, staring at frozen-in-air Vince.
Linda: You are such a moron.
Vince: I'M BACK!
Vince does a dance whilst suspended in mid-air as we head to this week's opening credits. Theme music this week is "A Message to you, Rudy" by The Specials.
Scene Two, Michael Cole is sat in a prison cell along with a 400lb bald guy covered in tattoos . Cole does not seem impressed.
Cole: (cocky) Sheesh, look at this doofus. What are you in for, being a douchebag?
Prisoner: I murdered 6 people.
Cole: Oh my, what a loser. You're goofy. Get out of my face, punk.
Prisoner: Speak to me like that again and I'll snap your neck, bro.
Cole marches right up to the prisoner. They stand face-to-face, and Cole slowly but firmly spits right in his face. The solid, thick white gob gets in both of the prisoner's eye, up his nostrils, and into his mouth. There is an unbelievable amount of saliva. It is dripping off the prisoner's face and forming a large puddle on the floor, possibly even large enough to be considered a moat (maybe not quite a river, but certainly approaching a lake). The prisoner stands in shock.
Cole: You just got MICHOLE'D.
The studio audience roar their approval at this new fan-favourite catchphrase. The warden walks to the cell.
Warden: Okay, Cole, you get to make you phonecall now.
Cole: Finally! Hey, generic prisoner guy...clean up on aisle one.
The studio audience again roar their approval as Cole confidently strides out of the cell. Cole puts some change into the phone and waits for an answer.
Cole: Hello, Zack Ryder? YOU SUCK, YOU GOOF.
Cole hangs up the phone, grinning arrogantly from ear to ear and confidently strides back to his cell.
Cole: I'll be out of here by dinner time. I didn't kill JR, and my lawyer will prove it...
Scene Three, Ryback is on a running track, alongside Olympic 100m sprint gold medalist Usain Bolt.
Bolt: Well, Ryback, my good friend-show me what you got.
Ryback doesn't flinch.
Bolt: ...Ryback, run! Show me your hundred metre sprint.
Ryback still doesn't flinch.
Bolt: Hello? Ryback, you must pay atten...
Ryback picks up Bolt and shotputs him.
Ryback: RYBACK PLUS 100 METRE = DOES NOT COMPUTE. RYBACK MUST SHOTPUT.
Scene Four, Joey Styles and the new Mrs. AJ Styles are back in the honeymoon suite where AJ and Bryan/Kane stayed three weeks ago.
AJ: I can't believe I'm back here again...this time as Mrs. AJ Styles.
On the other side of the wall, we see Daniel Bryan and Kane both sat angrily pouting on the edge of the bed in the signifcantly worse room.
Bryan: Boy, if I get my hands on that Joey Styles, I'll kill him...KILL HIM!
Kane: And he got our AJ pregnant? OUR AJ? Pregnant...PREGNANT!
Bryan: Hmmm, that only really works when either I or Josh Peck do it.
Kane: We need a plan to get AJ back, chowderhead. Come on, think, think...
Bryan suddenly stands up, and a lightbulb goes off above his head.
Bryan: I'VE GOT IT! It's a plan that simply cannot fail to work, it is guaranteed success...unless of course it is a colossal failure that makes things even worse.
Kane: It's a risk I'm prepared to take.
Bryan and Kane start mumbling incoheret babble, and pretend to draw a plan on a whiteboard that was in their room for unknown reasons, as we head to...
Scene Five, the scene starts with an on-screen message telling us "The following announcement has been paid for by the nWo: Nazi World Order". NaziCena and the Neo-Nazi's are shooting some hoops in a playground, with a cinematic commercial texture to the screen.
NaziCena scores a slamdunk, then casually walks over to the camera and addresses it directly.
Cena: Hi, I'm John Cena, leader of the NaziCena and the Neo-Nazi's party. People say a lot of nasty things about us, but we're just simple folk, really. All we want is complete and utter world domination, with absolute obedience from each and every citizen on the planet, as well as victory over CM Punk for the WWE Championship at Summersitcomslam. Can any of you honestly say you don't want the same thing?
NaziCena walks over to the children's swing-set where we see 1980's wrestler The Executioner playing. The Executioner suddenly stop and stands up straight when he realises the camera has now arrived.
Cena: This is The Executioner, the man who will have to pull the switch on the electric chair to sentence me to death if I do not defeat CM Punk at Summersitcomslam. Look at his innocent face: could any of you put him through that torture?
We get a close-up of The Executioner's face with a dramatic sting.
Voiceover: (speaking low and quickly) Support NaziCena and the Neo-Nazi's at Summersitcomslam OR YOU WILL BE SLAUGHTERED.
Act Two, Scene Six. Vince McMahon is sat in an office labelled "VICE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE", smoking a cigar. His secretary tells him "Mr. Lauranitis is here" through the intercom, and Vince tells her to send him in. The secretary rolls in Lauranitis, who has both arms and legs in casts, a neck/backbrace on, with a steel frame supporting his body, two eye-patches on with white-bandages wrapped around his horrendously burnt face. Lauaranitis is speaking with a Stephen Hawking-style voicebox.
Lauaranitis: Mr. McMahon, I am in intense pain all day, every day. I have developed insomnia at the worst time possible, meaning I have to go through this 24 hours a day. Is there any way at all you could help to assist me in paying my medical bills, as I simply cannot afford to mainta...
Vince interrupts, loudly and aggressively yawning.
Vince: BORING. You'll never make it onto TV with that voice and look, kid. Also, I've had a look at your annual salary, it's ridiculously high. We're slicing it by 85%, and you're fined $5000 for turning up to work looking like shit. Now I'm bored being Vice President, I'm gonna go for a walk around Titan Headquarters. Look after the office for me, boy.
Vince begins to walks out, but stops at the door.
Vince: Oh, by the way, I accidentally poured alcohol over every inch of the office earlier. Clean that up.
Vince throws his lit cigar on the floor before leaving, locking the door behind him. The room begins to burn in flames, as Lauranitis is helplessly left alone.
Scene Seven, Michael Cole is sat in a conference room with his lawyer, David Otunga.
Otunga: All evidence leads to you, Michael. I mean a lump of coal was found at the crime scene, it's your calling-card.
Cole: No, somebody's trying to frame me! If only there was a detective I could hire to solve this crime...
Chris Jericho pops his head in the door.
The studio audience erupt with cheers.
Jericho: Yep, I'm a detective now, eh. And I'm not trolling anymore.
Cole: Ha, I love trolling little fags.
Jericho: But...you're a fag...
Cole: ...I like your spunk, Jericho. You've got spunk and balls, and I like that. YOU'RE HIRED!
Scene Eight, CM Punk walks into a crowded bar. The WWE Champion looks incredibly strained.
Punk: Ah, so much pressure...must stop Nazi's...must keep Championship...must stay Straight Edge 4 Life...it's too much! BARKEEP! I'll have...an appletini.
Dramatic Sting. Punk lifts the Appletini and stares at it, his hand trembling, and face looking shocked. He (ridiculously) slowly and (ridiculously) dramatically brings the glass closer and closer to his mouth as we head to...
Back from the commercial, and Punk is still slowly bringing to Appletini to his mouth. Whe n it is a mere centimetre away from him mouth, it is slapped out of his hand and smashes on the floor. The camera pans out to reveal that it was SCOTT HALL that slapped the glass out of Punk's hand!
Hall: Hey yo...
The studio audience screams in a mixture of shock, delight and hunger. "TO BE CONTINUED..." appears on-screen, despite the fact that this isn't the end of the episode. But even Sitcom WWE doesn't let Punk main event.
Scene Nine, AJ and Joey (The Styles') are cuddling in bed, when the instantly recognisable sound of a stone hitting off a window can be heard. AJ gets up, opens the curtains, and looks outside. On the street below, Bryan is playing guitar as Kane sings Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing". AJ's heart eventually melts (not literally, she is indeed still alive and well, just to clarify).
AJ: I need a week...a week to make up my mind. I'M MENTALLY UNSTABLE!
Bryan: Eugh, just say "crazy bitch", "mentally unstable" is so lame.
Scene Ten, in a bland, white office. Shane McMahon is sat in a chair, Vince Russo enters.
Shane: So, do you accept my offer of working together in the election rather than as separate candidates?
Scene Eleven, The Miz is driving along the road in his Ferrari, and stops at a red light. Kofi pulls up and stops beside him, driving his (nearly) broken down 1987 Dodge Dakota.
Miz: Eughhhhhh this lame-oid...
Kofi: Hey, Miz...if I can beat you in a race from here to the Movie House, then you have to invite me to your House Party.
Miz: You really think your piece of crap Dodge can out-speed my car?! Ha, you make me laugh, Kingston. You're on!
Miz quickly speeds away (through the red light), hitting 110mph almost instantly. Kofi patiently waits at the red light as the tension builds. When it changes, Kofi takes off, and maintains a safe, but steady, 30mph.
Kofi: Slow and steady wins the race.
Cut to Miz blasting Metallica and speeding at 110mph. However, a wild Ron Simmons steps out in front of Miz, and Miz crashes into him, violently running him over. Miz panics, gets out, and checks on Simmons.
Miz: Holy shit, Farooq! Are you okay, man?
Simmons: (struggling for breath) Just tell my wife...damn.
At this point, Kofi slowly drives past Miz.
Kofi: Haha, yes, I paid Simmons to do my dirty work! I'm going to win!
Just before Kofi's car can reach the finish line (nobody knows how it was set-up in advance, so it's better just not to ask questions), it breaks down.
Kofi: Aw, no, no, c'mon car, JAMAICAN ME CRAZY!
Kofi's car stops 0.000001 centimeters from the finish line. Miz comes speeding past for victory.
Miz: YEAH! AWESOMEEEEE!!!
Miz throws a burrito, which lands right in Kofi's face (he had gotten out of his car to shout at the vehicle for losing the race).
Kofi: This just makes me more motivated...I will get into that party...
Fade to black, end credits. Fade back in from black, to see Vince back in his traditional office, once again Chairman of WWE.
Vince: I'm back, I'm Chairman again! But this time it's going to be different...You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things, and then wonders why his life sucks? Well... that was me. Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting around the corner. Karma. That's when I realised I had to change. So, I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and, one by one I'm going to make up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My name is Vince.
Fade to black.
Last edited by Murph; 08-06-2012 at 10:48 AM.